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Catalog (/feels/)

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R: 70 / I: 15
Anything anyone wants to get off their chests. Feel free to rant to rant about problems too. i will start.
there's this kid, to protect his identity his name is "j". J is friends with this kid named "r", I'm also friends with r. J thinks he is a "hacker" because of this youtube channel called project zorgo. he says he gets info for this group thus making him a hacker. I asked him if he even knows what Wireshark is. of course, he said no and then called me a nerd for a whole month. he also steals jokes from people. one day he found out I like an arg website. j knows r hates args and so he went to the site and bookmarked it and told r that is was me. r stopped hanging out with me, I had no friends and that threw me into a depressed state. I didn't know at the time what he did I thought r just didn't like me which now gives me really bad trust issues. I can't even really trust my therapist now. a couple of days ago r made up a story about me throwing rocks at him. j said I was crazy for doing that.

I really want to make this fucker suffer how should I go about doing that.
R: 1 / I: 0

loneliness <= boredom <= hunger

Hey so I have this sort of theory or take on the relationship between hunger, boredom and loneliness.

I'm not gonna focus on what hunger is, but I get strong vibes of "change" and "void" from it. It seems to be intrinsic to living things, it allows the thing to remain active and in control, in contrast to things that do not eat and are thus just animated by external forces. Think of food, fuel, electricity, sunlight. Think of how humans seek out their food and managed to create objects that cannot seek out their own food - thus we retain the control over them, by denying or providing their food/fuel.
More complex, higher level lifeforms seem to have increasingly complex forms of hunger. While simple cellular things or light bulbs just nom stuff reflexively, mammals or hybrid powred cars have various behaviors to control when and how much food they eat which adapts to the situation. Both your dog and your car will communicate to you with increasing effort that they are hungry and they need that food - though the dog will likely seek it out itself while the car is forced to collapse predictably.
While food does have to have certain composition, its intake is still quantity-based. You eat five apples, okay. You get hungry again, you can eat five more. You can keep doing this for a pretty damn long time too. So this is where boredom starts to stick out.

While eating apples will keep chasing your hunger away based on quantity of consumption, boredom isn't digesting the material of the apple - it is digesting the pattern, type, idea, the quality of the apple. Once boredom has digested "apple", you are fucked - you can keep eating apples all you want, the pattern hunger that is boredom will not leave you. What may have been hundreds of apples to your hunger is just one meal to your boredom. The meal is digested, eating the same thing is still that meal that is already gone. You need a meal of a different quality, a different pattern. So you start eating oranges. Or you make apple pie. Or you just stop eating altogether and this new pattern of "I'm hungry as fuck" will satiate your boredom - not to mention the third pattern of "end of starvation" once you start eating apples again.

But as time goes on, boredom will eventually digest the "apples - starvation - end of starvation" pattern as well, and now you're even more royally fucked than before.
So that is it, boredom gnawing at any and all things that happen in your life, making sure you feel the hunger for new patterns once your situation becomes repetetive. You can eat new food every day, but eventually even the act of eating new food every day will become boring. You can try drugs, but you'll beome tolerant and it won't be a new sensation any more. You can learn stuff, watch movies, listen to music, do sports, travel… it doesn't fucking matter, boredom will eventually digest it all, as long as you have enough IQ to notice the patterns you inevitably follow. And once you run out of nice things to help satiate your boredom, you'll start to do dangerous stuff, perhaps get into situations that can potentially kill you just so you can avoid the psychological famine of boredom. Whatever you do, your ability to feed your boredom is limited.

And that is where others come into the picture. Other humans - and groups of them even moreso - are more complex than you. You do not stand a realistic chance to always predict them, thus eventually they will surprise you - a delicious meal for your boredom. You can learn about people, keep learning about them every day, and still they will surprise you. Perhaps not all the time, but eventually.
Unlike any other thing on this planet they are very much like you and can understand and guess your mood and needs pretty well, sometimes even better than you can. They can entertain or annoy you without active effort on your side - I mean come on I'm writing this long ass text and none of you asked or made me do it.
People are the meat and protein of your boredom diet. Without people, you'll just be eating soy, veggies and pasta all day every day. You'll have to go through the tiresome process of planting, watering, harvesting, processing and cooking it, and you'll get exactly what you worked for. What is that compared to the thrill of a hunt, where your meal is running/fighting for its life? You may even find a cute thing that flies at you and literally holds its neck to your teeth, ready to entertain, annoy, drag you around indefinitely just at the price of your attention.

Once you get used to that, the whole tending of the veggie garden gets digested by boredom in weeks. You're a hunter now, and your social boredom-belly needs delicious other-people meat to not feel hungry. But you notice that you don't have time or energy for people these days, they seem to avoid you for some reason. Before you know it, they're all gone, and you have no meat to feed your boredom. You haven't tended your veggie garden for a while and it's mostly dead, so you can't even go back to your vegan boredom meal of hobbies and studies and sports so easily. Your economy of boredom has collapsed, and you're facing a famine that won't be leaving any time soon: you're lonely.
R: 11 / I: 0


Day by day we are getting closer and closer to the cyberpunk reality. How are you feeling today Lainons?
R: 9 / I: 1


Share a short experience you recently had.

> At McDonald's, moth similar to pic related starts flying around all they lights near me.

> Flies into one of those bug trap lights.
> stuck in the sticky stuff, I can hear its wings continue to flap as it tries to get free.
> the light is up high and I would half to pull up a chair to get to it, also i imagine if i tied to pull it free it would probably pull off what ever limb is stuck in the sticky goo.
> sorry moth.
> it somehow gets out on its own and lands on my leg.
> Ive got one shot at this!
> quickly and gently cup hands around moth and bring it outside where it flies away into the night.


I should have helped it sooner. but I'm happy it survived.
R: 17 / I: 2
At what point in your life did you change the most?
High school, university, what have you.

These last two years have been quite a development for me, and I've done a lot of growing up. When I try to describe how I've changed, I realize that outwardly, nothing much has happened in my life since I've graduated high school, but on the inside I've changed more than I could possibly express.

When did you go through the most change in your life as a person, and are you still experiencing that epoch in your life right now?
R: 10 / I: 3

advice to stop online stalking

This is my first post on this chan site so I apologize if it reeks of newfag
I'm currently 19 year old freshman in community college but I have also have been stalking a group of peers from high school for what could be 3 or 4 years and its embarrassing to admit of all the time I wasted on it, most of them also actually living on their own, having a job, going to uni and finding love, all things I can't relate and I get more depressed than I was before but I can't seem to stop for very long. This obsessive behaviour I had with people I don't know well has happened since I was a child through attraction and when I first started to notice this group of peers I had a crush on only one person and being the shy dumbass I was instead of being friendly and introducing myself I had acted cold and aloof cause I get a wave of anxiety every time they are around. Stalking them in the internet was the solution for me to get my fix of seeing their face and seeing their life and little by little all their friends would add up to that list. While nobopdy had confronted me, I am pretty sure they all know since I exposed myself using sock puppet accounts to follow them and getting blocked by one person. I'm at this point where I am not crushing anymore and its became a habit, something to obsess on when I am not wallowing into nislism, sadness and bitterness. There is no point of this anymore and I don't want to do this anymore since I already wasted my teen years, I don't want to lose my twenties as well. Its taken a toll on my thoughts as well as that whole group is constantly on my mind when we were never acquaintances let alone friends. I tried before to go on brakes to stop stalking and I have did it for a couple of moths but only to relapse again. It's funny other people lives are taking a toll on me like they are heroin personified. If you guys have any advice to stop the need to online stalk and thinking of people who want nothing to do with you, it would be greatly appreciated.
img by @mangoumaiwa on twitter
R: 90 / I: 12

Confessions General

Thread for Alice to make confessions about life or feelings without restraint.
Maybe you've had a long day or something has been making you lose more sleep than usual or you can't stop thinking of something small that made a difference in your life. We're all here to listen or at least notice what you have to say. Sometimes confessions are just about sharing how you feel in a really direct way.

Even though it might make you feel vulnerable I think you can do it if you try.
R: 9 / I: 0

Does memory ever reset?

I had 3 serious girlfriends in my life, and even tough some stories happened years ago they still keep me up at night. I never had issues socializing, i'm a higly functional person in this society, and i have more serious problems like probably becoming unemployed in the near future or the world slowly turning into a distopia, so how can such stupid things like average romantic human relationships be so destructive and override all the rest?
Anyway, my question is, will they fade away with time or, even with years passing i'll still remember every fight and every breakup, and every relationship more will mean more pain and more soykaf to remember and to fuel my insomnia?
The problem is that when you're happy you don't think about it so it sticks less to your memory, while instead bad things usually make quite strong memories

Sorry if a little edgy but this board should be the right one for this kind of stuff, i suppose
R: 21 / I: 2
you live alone
you die alone
that's all
R: 24 / I: 3

Turning 30

So I will be 30 soon. Alongside the fact I feel nostalgia for the world of my high school years, I feel like I don't know what I am becoming.
I more or less became the 16 years old I wanted to become in terms of knowledge and experience but it doesn't have much value for who I seem to be on the outside. I just want to soykafpost and have fun with friends while every year will be "the one" in terms of good resolutions. I'm not opposed to aging by itself but I don't really know what's expected of me.
Unfortunately my environment is changing in ways that can't be prevented. Friends marry and embrace the wageslave corporate mindset instead of just working for free time money. Family gets older and obsessed by death. I can't live the stressless life of a high-schooler or be an edgy 22 retard once again. I feel like being 30 should be about being 20 + bonus but it seems like you must get resigned as years go on.
Where am I going? Asking older Alice about how they lived that milestone.
R: 42 / I: 1

Meet up with Alice

This is a meetup thread, post you're city and see if there is any interest to meetup.
So let start:
I'm interested in meeting up with any Alice in Berlin, so just let me know if you're interested.
I hope we can make this happen :]
R: 29 / I: 2

Late Nights.

Why do you stay up late?

For myself, i don't know honestly. It isn't good for me, i know that for sure. I've been doing all-nighters here and there for quite awhile. Most of them i just spend my worthless time surfing the web. I don't think it's worth it anymore. I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm alone late at night, but sometimes that comfortability goes away. I feel the social demons sinking in late at night..and it gives some sort of comfort in a way, i guess. I should really stop staying up late looking for something that's not even there for me.
R: 75 / I: 25


Anyone here wants to make new friends? Feels lonely or feels that they're missing something? I think it could be fun making friends here! There are lots of interesting people here! To start just try to write a bit about yourself and what kind of friend you want. Don't forget to include a way to contact you. You can use the following template:

>Favorite anime

>Favorite vidya
>Favorite music
>Favorite books
>Favorite TV series
>Fetishes (optional)
>Hobbies and interests
>What kind of friendship you'd like or have you looked for but never found
>Anything else you'd like to share or you think it's relevant to say
>Contact (Mail, Discord, Steam, Tox, XMPP)
R: 13 / I: 0


Hey, I discovered this forum yesterday and now I already feel like this is the right place to get some outsiders opinion about my relationship.

I've been in a relationship with a mentally unhealthy girl for a year now. I love her like hell but she thinks I don't. The real problem in our relationship is the lack of confidence she has towards me. I am lost. A day or two after we started dating I told her about this friend that had a kick on me a while ago. This girl in question is someone really important in my life and I don't think ending our friendship would be worth it. That being said, this friend causes a lot of trouble in my relationship. My girlfriend constantly sees love through her actions and she's convinced that my friend is better that herself. I think the worst problem in our relation is the fact that she constantly tries to make me feel like she feels. For example, one day my friend asked me for clothes because she needed some pants after spilling juice on hers. I gave her, and now my girlfriend a month after started complaining and said that she would send clothes to her ex living far away (She still talks to her ex claiming he is one of the friend she has). As I said, she is mentally unstable. She tried to kill herself a year and a half ago and she is diagnosed with multiple mental issues. I know I do mistakes and I know she does too. I am not there to make her look like she is guilty. I think I am in the position to make her feel better about life but small little things of everyday makes me think that I'm not the right one. I would like to hear your opinion about it. Thank you. If any other infos needed, I can provide them. As I said, I really love her and didn't plan for a second to mess with her.

R: 5 / I: 2


Maybe what i am describing is a normal humane condition. However for some reason my psyche interprets this functioning as something that does not work right. Internally i live in an idealistic world, with beautiful aesthetics. Let's say my "inner" vision, the one my imagination and abstract thinking creates is always "paraphrasing" the world around it. It takes the saturation and changes it, it views the physical plain from different angles that satisfy my hunger for cinematographic aesthetics. It speaks fables to itself about true love and the most altruistic and humanistic ideals, filled with perfection (perfect for me at least) and poetic reasoning. In contrast the other world is filled with real-life objective (as objective as something can be) reasoning. Cold, calculating, dragged and slammed in the pavement. Every response is as rational as it can be. The aesthetics change they are monochromatic or blueish in a sense, it's the world i have to live most of my life in. The problem is no that the latter world exists, cause i feel that i would embrace such thinking. The problem is the dichotomy itself is so strong that i cannot pick a side to advocate, I have seen a lot of people being either in one of the two sides, expressing themselves through only ONE of these sides. But for me i switch from glasses to glasses. The inner one i can only express and merge it with the outer one only when i write (short stories or poems). However feeling that i always have to switch mindses and to keep some short of invisible balance within me, no being able to chose a side makes me feel alienated. Even by people that express the inner world of mine.
What to do you think? have you ever experienced it ?
R: 10 / I: 1
I lost my best friend at 13 (not death), never had a friend like that before or since.

I keep having dreams where we're together, hanging out.

Are we drawing closer, invisibly? Or am I jsut going crazy?
R: 10 / I: 2

Escaping baselss depression

For the longest time, I've been almost completely unwilling to do anything but lay around and feel either empty or sad all day. Nothing is fun, and though I still occasionally work on things because I feel like I have a moral obligation to, in truth I just wish someone would kill me in my sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with being alive anymore. Work just seems like an inherently bad thing to me, regardless of what I'm doing, and death is a preferable alternative to doing just about anything. But the weird thing is, there really isn't a good reason for me to feel this way; I have friends who care about me, I'm doing well in school, and I have all the free time I need to do whatever hobbies I want. So why in the world have I been feeling so depressed for the past several months, when in theory I have everything I could reasonably want? Have you ever felt this way? How did you manage to get out of it? Thanks in advance, Alice.
R: 3 / I: 0

entering the wired

is it bad that i truly want to enter the wired? i feel this plane of our sick manmade world doesn't have anything for me. is there such thing as anything close to the wired? btw, don't tell me i missed the point of the series bc i didn't
R: 6 / I: 0
Arisuchan, I lost the only person who has ever loved me. Everyone is telling me they'll come back, but there's always the possibility that they won't. What now?
R: 4 / I: 2


I'm bored of my monotonous 9 to 5 and want to get a job in tech I only know a tiny bit of python so far and am generally pretty good with computers.

What can I study in the little bit of spare time i have to get a job in tech?

Please & thank you.
R: 3 / I: 1

When was your most loneliest?

For the past 3 years I have gone out to socialize 2 or 3 days at maximum. I used to have a girlfriend, some friends that I used to see time to time, but now it feels like a different life. I don't have any social media accounts tied to my legal identity (I don't even upload profile pictures to messaging applications). I am not complaining because I chose this, my life goals require me to control/numb my social drives and focus solely on improving my skills. I have been trying to cope with major symptoms (depression, being prone to addiction) through meditation/mindfulness exercises. Loneliness also made me more perceptive, I am better able to analyze situations almost like a computer, but it also made me more self-centered, less sensitive to others' feelings, like my brain's neuroplasticity starts to adapt being lonely and surviving on my own. But I am afraid, what if I lose my mind and start doing retarded soykaf? What I am doing is already retarded soykaf in a sense but what I mean is I don't want to cross over to the la la land, like drawing pictures on the wall and soykaf.

What about you Lain? When was your most loneliest time? How did you cope? What were the effects?
R: 0 / I: 0
idk just coming on to say that I was once in trouble with the mother of my girlfriend, she wouldn't like me coming over to play, we ended up chilling at my place since both my parents worked night shift, did this fuck me up because we would hang out every day til 5am at which point she would sneak out the window since my parents would be in the house at that point.
R: 15 / I: 0

I fucked up my whole life

After graduating high school I became a neet for two years. And then I went to a university unwillingly because of my parents forced me to do something with my life. I failed to pass the first grade twice. I didn't even have the balls to tell my parents about that. I am twenty two years old guy with no talent . How somebody recover from this? I have no self discipline no self care, I don't have any hobbies except playing vidya.
I don't want to drop the college and start working at mcdonald's but college is not for me either.
I don't know what to do with my life. I just want to die at this point but afraid of hurting my old man even more.
R: 15 / I: 2

Suicidal "wishes"

Where are you supposed to go when you're feeling suicidal but don't have any ideation?

Telling my family would worry them too much as I'm not actually near ideation, and calling a hotline feels like overkill for the same exact reason. Yet there are definitely days when I catch myself wishing i was dead in favor of dealing with what are comparatively petty emotions.

It's an intense feeling and when left unchecked turns into ideation; checking it by myself while possible isn't satisfying and certainly isn't comforting. I'd like to turn to someone else, believing that talking it through with someone who loves me and won't belittle my experience could help.

How / with whom do you talk about wishing you were dead, before it turns into ideas about how to kill yourself?

>inb4 on anonymous image boards

>inb4 op can't inb4
R: 9 / I: 0
Get a bicycle, nameless! If it's far to the interview, don't work there. For many reasons. Be present and loving in life. -_-
R: 23 / I: 8

Loser Thread

Is anyone here a loser? Share your experiences.

>dropped out of uni

>working min wage until I retire
R: 12 / I: 3

What is being in a psychiatric hospital like?

Any experiences? How does it feel to be there? How's it like?
R: 2 / I: 0


i think i want to go mute. not permanently, just for a few months. still talking for things like academics, but i write, i don't have much verbal needs irl for money. i don't know why i want to do this. not depression perse, almost a feeling of purging? have any of you gone mute or considered it? i don't know what input im looking for, but im curious what you all have to say. :+)
R: 6 / I: 2

Can't 'Deal With It' Anymore

There's a girl in my class that I really don't understand. I really hate her and her friends, because basically they're just a bunch of delinquents. She doesn't do any homework, doesn't wear our school uniform, does makeup and looks like a sculpture (thinks that she is pretty, but she just looks like a clown), asks if I have any cigs just to bully me and there are so many more. She doesn't enter her classes most of the time and last week when there was a roll call, she wasn't in the class. Afterwards she just replaced her number with mine and I was going to get suspended because of her. Our Principal noticed that and there was no problems, but I'm just full of anger now. I wrote a petition to the school, I'ts been almost 2 weeks since I wrote it looks like principal doesn't give a soykaf about it because they are tired of that girl. I am actually angry about this and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it because they don't listen to me. I really don't get people. It's okay if you don't want to come to class but why would do something like this? She did bully me a quite while ago for a long time too but it's all supposed to be over. I don't understand people, how come someone can't have the ability to think logically? It really shouldn't be so hard to use your brain, or think at least. She doesn't even have some common sense. As I keep seeing people like her, I just think that if we don't give them what they deserve, nothing is going to change and we won't be able to step forward. I'm just disgusted. I can't deal with this anymore.
What would you do if you were in my position? Or have you encountered something like this before? How did you deal with it?
R: 8 / I: 0


When I watch movies, dramas, animes or anything like that, when it ends, i feel very empty and kind of jealous.
This usually happens when I'm watching something about mental problems, love or things that are usually bad for self. I feel very empty and sad when I watch those things because I can relate very hard, or that I want to relate but I can't, and thats when I feel jealous.
When the main character for an example has very bad grades, bad parents, a completely trash life, it completely affects me too. I just feel like the main character at that point. I start to question my life and my purposes more than ever. I don't hate it, I actually find it weird that I like it when this happens.

I told some friends about this, and they said they couldn't even relate to me in any ways and called me a weirdo.

When it's about love, i feel way too jealous because I know that I can't find love in any ways, I didn't even actually love someone before in the first place. It makes me want to love someone, but that never happened-it never happens. And I have very heavy trust issues, thats one more problem there.
They just make me stare to the wall of my room for hours. Sometimes I even consider killing myself because they make my life seem very poor.
Or I just think things like ''Oh man what if that was my life! I would totally kill myself if I was in that situation, and that would be very awesome.''
This. To a character that has a veery soykafty life and surroundings. And I like imagining it very much.

I guess I'm just too jealous in general, and hate my life, the list goes on.
I'm starting to repeat myself so I'm stopping here and asking this, has anyone felt like me here?
R: 7 / I: 1

Personal experience with losing someone

My grandfather just passed away. Yesterday we visited him where he would tell some of the old jokes he used to while falling asleep half way through telling them then waking up promptly and continuting. A week ago he would tell stories about his life when younger, something he didn't usually do. Today, at approx 5:20, he passed away. It's strange, I don't really feel sad nor anything else. It's as if this is just another normal day.

So, since I don't really know what to do and there isn't much I can do currently, how was it when you lost someone? How did you feel? Did it hit you or was it just another passing thing? I might be in shock which could explain why I'm not really reacting past thinking "It's what he wanted". Well anyway, would be interesting to hear how others experienced it. Maybe this is normal, maybe not.
R: 9 / I: 1

College / University: Experiences, Regrets

It's been nearly a year since I've graduated university, and I feel like I didn't really get much out of it educationally. There were a few classes which I enjoyed … But at least in my major (CS), some of the information from the important courses I had to take have mostly been forgotten by now – primarily in discrete math, and OS. I'm kicking myself in head over this as I have gained a renewed interest in those subjects but catching up from almost a beginner's level is frustrating. I wish I had put more into my studies. Granted some of the influencing factors were poor teaching and a meh CS program, but that's not a good-enough excuse. Luckily I was able to get a job in the industry (and I consider myself alright at my job) but I feel like an impostor.

What was your higher-education experience like, Alice?
R: 32 / I: 8

my recent experience with systemspace

about a week ago i was just minding my own business on the systemspace chat when someone mentioned rewire, i just downplayed their comment because the rewire community was falling apart pretty badly from what i was aware. i had also mentioned getting a friend into the community of systemspace. after a while of mindless chatting and watching stalker with the chat, i decided to go to bed. i woke up and checked the systemspace chat, realizing i couldnt sign in or make an account, so i checked my account and found that i was derezzed permanently for being "affiliated with anti-project communities". then, a few days later my friend was derezzed for a supposed "ban evasion". i paid no mind to this for a little while as i thought it was just mrsnoopdoge being salty again, but just recently when i checked my ban again, after a few failed appeals, this happened.
R: 89 / I: 21
i originally posted this on the dedicated board, but i figured it would get more exposure here, and i am sure people who don't use it still have something to say. feel free to move it back if you see fit.

do traps make anyone else feel incredibly sad about their own lives?

their prevalence in imageboards/on the internet in general (or at least the prevalence of discussion about them) is so overwhelming that avoiding it is nearly impossible, and every time i see something posted about a trap i am reminded of how much i hate my physical form and desire to be cute/feminine.

the obvious response is to begin taking steps towards becoming a trap, but 1) certain things (eg facial structure) cannot be altered without taking more extreme measures, and 2) my life does not exist in a space where being a trap is a real possibility thanks to family/work. even if i were to go that route, i don't think i am the type of person that would receive any attention irl (not that it is about attention, but i guess the endgame is finding a boyfriend who is also into it) thanks to my personality/reclusive nature, and that is assuming i don't end up fucking everything about myself up and feeling even worse.

with each passing day "fuck this gay earth" grows closer to being my outlook on life. it's like everything has been designed to ensure i am as miserable as possible.
R: 12 / I: 0

My only "friend" abandoned me.

I have had this toxic person in my life for a while now. I know they are bad for me and just cause me grief. I loved them and they took my heart and crushed it and they can still smile knowing this. They used to be my only friend and more than that but now they are the only one who gives me any time of day and even they dont actually give a soykaf about me and are just my "firend" when ever its convenient for them.I cant avoid them because the way life is at the moment I cant get her out of it. I dont know why but I continued to spend time with them even after all the pain they caused me and ignored my attempts to make them understand. Now they are in a relationship and ditched spending time with me for them. I know when they break up they are just going to come back to me to entertain them so they dont have to be lonely and it pisses me off.I hate that im sad. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I continue to pay this soykafty person anymore mind. I hate that I let them affect how I feel. I hate that Im reacting this way. I hate I want them to still love me and care. It just hurts. I know I need to put on a brave face and just say f them and enjoy that they are less in my life but I just hurt at the moment. I dont know why or what to do anymore.
R: 0 / I: 0
I hit the wrong person and it was a girl I "loved". Was in denial about it for a while and that made things worse coming to that conclusion. I'd say my life is a living hell but it's not. It's just an emotionless void Main( ) . Comparatively I feel like that's fine. I'm still suffering from psychosis.
i've always suffered from psychosis anyway though. Starting to hear though.
They're not external but who knows if it'll get worse. Whomever doesn't care.
I don't care either right now. I should take a nap though.
It's fine.

I had all these emotions
rage guilt sadness and envy mania with or from whatever
I brought it on myself but I just wanted help i guess,
but i've never asked for that, didnt come out right.
Nor have I ever really given anything to receive it.
It's weird as the only thing I can say is oh well.
That's literal. Everything else is an excuse
I cant tell if it's over never happened or
it's just a bad dream i'm having
just focusing on studies
writing this to people
that's enough

I'm nobody really.
making me someone
It doesn't matter either way
I shouldn't have done anything at all
It never did, but that I hit the wrong person.

what to do what to do.
I guess taking a nap exercise goal orientation
anybody ever feel social interaction is pointless?
Outside of the above three things does it really mean anything?
I've always hated that networking aspect and i'm seriously regretting it
but it's actually nice to be alone sometimes. The sound of silence is golden
R: 5 / I: 0
I have these gripes I want to get rid of, and they sound incredibly childish. Im just going to list them off and see what you guys think.

I hate it when I love a subject and study it, but when a friend says something about the subject he gets the attention and praise. I want to be the best at that subject, and I realize that people can be smarter than me in that subject, but emotionally I have a drive to be the best which I can never be. Its especially the worst when that friend says something wrong about the subject and people praise and believe him. I find it my goal in life to gain knowledge and spread it, and it hurts when people do this, willingly or not.

I feel like a specific friend is picking favorites because in his Discord server he gives people roles and im just the default one. We are pretty close and this feels childish that i am getting worked up over a stupid role on a stupid discord server but I cant help it. It angers me. We have talked about other stuff (he knows psychology stuff) and he has said that I might just have a lot of negative bias. That could be true and he simply doesnt think about changing my role to something higher when he is on Discord (all though everyone else in our friend-group has a higher role)

I feel like I don't have a best friend. I feel like sometimes people are creeped out by me. I have this version of Bipolar disorder where I sometimes have my ups and downs throughout the day (but each episode usually lasts a few days) and when im on my ups I get really crazy just to make people laugh. Its possible this is pushing people back and even the people i consider close to me don't reciprocate the feeling i have towards them

Thanks if you read all that /feels/. I really just needed somewhere to put my feelings.
R: 4 / I: 1


h e l l o
R: 20 / I: 3

How do you get a job?

I hope self-help stuff is okay here.
So, how do you get a job? Especially when you have no qualification or experience. My ideal job is something like a barista or waiter. I definitely want a job which involves… going outside. Any advice is fine though.
R: 2 / I: 0


Why do I remember things that haven't happened?
Why is this world an oxymoron?
Why do the cries of the blind fall upon deaf ears?
Why is the peering of an outside world from a window so nostalgic?
Why must I struggle to see a face of someone who never existed?
Why am I here?
R: 1 / I: 0
Right now, i'm deeply frustrated.
I don't know why i am feeling like this, nor when it started, but i'm pretty frustrated.
I don't want to sleep, i don't want to play my guitar, i don't want to watch something, i don't want to listen to music, i don't want to do nothing.
Maybe masturbate makes me feel a little better, but i'm too angry to get concentrate on it.
I'm pretty uncomfortable, and there's absolutely nothing that i can do. Being frustrated at this moment makes me wonder why i am feeling this way, and when i think about something that makes me fell this way, i fell more uncomfortable and more frustrated.
It'll pass soon, but i wonder what the fuck happened in my brain to make me fell like this.
wtf is going on pls help everything was just fine minutes ago
R: 6 / I: 0
cant even take aim while pee/10, thats my depress level right now, as a programmer which is my job too, i dont think i can write more normal person projects to stay alive, real estate, tour, hotel sites and every fucking tourism soykaf, i'm the only programmer in team and other guys dont give fuck about deployment or the architecture we need for systems, all they want better UI, UX or money, no one can help me and i feel lonely about this situation.

let's make a real estate site but same time it should be integrated all of existing big real estate sites so we can sell the product but the problem is i have no damn idea to how i can integrate whole soykaf which is uses EAV to create properties, even if i can find proper solution, probably wont have enough time to maintain everything because they dont fucking write single line damn ass php

when i realize that, i started own side projects like a 8080 emulator etc. but end of the project i realized, i already exhausted myself so looks like i have no more passion to do my job, im just forcing myself to gain money

team leader cant even use cp -R, he just drag drops files with ftp in server actually its kinda cool if you dont wanna move files between accounts because to doing that he downloads and reuploads files and that was very big evidence how ignorant they are

i dont even want to talk about; deliver fast, maintain to end of time projects

every week it becomes more bad situation, im saving all of my money and dont have desire to buy anything

i always wanted to be in team we can hack world or write own irc implementation maybe contribute to other projects but my team cant even contribute to my side projects and thats my one of reason being depressed

i want to change my name, address, phone number and move another reality but mama will be sad
R: 11 / I: 3
Selamun aleyküm
R: 5 / I: 1
Have any of you had experiences with not having emotions at all, and feeling like you aren't human? I don't fully understand it myself, but I've always felt very weird and off. I think there's something wrong with me. Every day I feel nothing but agonizing numbness, or how I like to call it, "Static". I think I was born like this. I remember begging this world to tell me what was wrong with me as a kid, and wishing that someday in the future someone would to diagnose me with the illness that caused all of this. I couldn't and can't believe that any of this is a normal thing someone experiences. I can't ignore it because of how intense it is, I don't think I've ever felt any true human emotion except for anger. I also used to think I was either an Angel or God itself as a child. I'm not particularly religious but sometimes I still think I'm some sort of divine being. If any of you feel/felt the same or similiar ways before please hit me up. My Discord is Dmitri#6490 and my E-mail address is I apologize for any mistakes in this post, I'm still new to arisuchan and imageboards in general, and I apologize for my nonexistent English skills, my first language is German.
R: 2 / I: 0
It's not really a question but a kind of feeling I want to share with you. I think I'm depressive (never consulted a medical professional though) but I'm always asking myself if I'm really sick or if that just kind of attitude I have because I want to be "different" and want people to look at me.
I'm the only one ? (i hope no)
R: 13 / I: 1


As of late I am experiencing more odd coincidences. For example, I watched the first episode of Cowboy Bebop and a few hours later I read something completely new to me and it made a reference to that episode. I have noticed things like this happening a lot.

Do any of you experience this? Is their a name for it?
R: 3 / I: 0

Happy Valentines Day Arisu!

Though your days maybe cold and your nights maybe lonely. There is someone in the wired that cherishes you and wishes to see you prosper. Happy Valentines Day.
R: 30 / I: 11

TSA Agent Was Kawaii

Dark room. Rare site. Always connected except tonight. I wake up clutching with a furious grip at the sound at my door. I loosen my hold and exhale. I spring up already dressed. Bags packed. Alarm sounds off as I walk out my home. In the car. On the road. In the airport lot. A final concious breath of icy air. Deep and controlled. Prelude.
R: 5 / I: 0


what is your hair like naturally? do you cut it? is it important to you? what has it been like throughout the years?

ever since i was small my hair has been a large part of my identity. i'm wondering if alice has anything to share about their hair, or maybe other parts of themselves they deem important to their identity.
R: 3 / I: 0

summer jobs / seasonal work

Hello Alice,
did you ever have a summer jobs? And how did it go?
In a few months I will be done with high school. I am thinking of doing a summer job. Do you have any recommendations?
R: 32 / I: 9

Why haven't you ended it all?

I'm just curious, Alice. What keeps you going?

You know you'll die someday, no matter what you do. But why not tomorrow? What is it that you have to do before disappearing? Is there even such a thing, or is it just inertia?
R: 5 / I: 0

weird as fuck school stories?

I went behind the gym and there was these exercise mats a few years ago, behind those mats I saw a girl, just chilling on her Ipod. She left quickly after being discovered and I looked behind there and it was almost as if an entire base was set up there. soykaf was freaky.
R: 24 / I: 4

removing feels

is it possible, through any means, to remove the feelings of sexual wants/needs? and the feeling of needing/wanting love? to help live a life of mostly isolation easier?

around the age of 15 or 16, I began having these ideas, way before ever getting into a relationship at all and before losing my virginity, it promptly went away after a couple of years. now that I'm much older and have mostly failed in that department, I plan on going the rest of my life alone. just wondering if through some kind of therapy related treatment or something if it would be possible.
R: 5 / I: 1
>Start learning to draw
>Develop disease that prevents me from practice
>In and out of Hospital for 6 years
>Still can not practice

I can not stop laughing
No, can not stop laughing
Why is it raining inside my room
R: 5 / I: 0

What to do in life

I don’t know if this is the right place to post this but it’s about my feelings
I’m 16 and I work in a hard job
I started when I was 14 and stopped going to school. There has not been many workers to work in the job so my dad forced me to work, due to the lack of adult workers I do the hardest jobs and I don’t get lunch and get home late, I been thinking that is this is what the rest of my life would be like and what I should do to try and get a better life. Sometimes I feel hopeless and feel like I’m going nowhere
R: 2 / I: 0

Stream of Conscious : An Apology

A few years ago we met as complete strangers. You showed me around town, got a bite to eat and had some really amazing tea. We went to your home and we talked about your books that were all over the room and watched films. Movie was so good you must have forgotten that you wanted to move those books so I could sleep on the floor.

We hit it off so quickly. Looking back it is like a dream that you could even stand me. A dream that makes this waking life grey. You said you loved me. We barely knew each other and I am sure I would have been a greater mistake than I already was. You said you loved me like an alarm clock and I woke up.

Weeks later I treated you like a stranger again and pretended I had forgotten the dream like so many others dreampt. The library, the record store basement, crazy vegan mushroom pizza. I did not want to go home. My one day stay turned to three. You said you loved me. I forgot my jacket and it was so cold. Ulysess and Bjork. I do not know if you are here anymore. I do not think you care to talk to me. I like to think you laugh about how you said you loved me like it was a childish phase. I hope you are well and happy. My writing is no better than it was when we met and you even cause my internal voice to be speechless.

You said you loved me and that is the alarm I will wake up to until the dream is completely gone.

50/50 change this fails to post. What a blessing that would be.
R: 4 / I: 1
Hey, Alice I always feel like a burden to everyone I meet and even more so to my family and sometimes I get really anxious about how my dad left me because I was just a burden to him the only thing I can do to escape that thought is sleep or go on the internet like I am doing now, this place is the only way I can escape reality and worry about other peoples problems instead of my own
R: 12 / I: 4


so yesterday i was at the mall with my parent and one of her friends, i have alot of trust issues and my parents friend brought her daughter. it was wired award but i enjoyed her. we had a talk for a bit and it was fun. me and my parent went home after 5 hours at the mall. later the next day my parent got into a argument with me (because not passing soykaf) she gives me soykaf like "your so smart" for me not to be pissed because she is a jackass about everything. she brings up last night and how she told her friends daughter to "hang out with me" this made me so fucking upset with myself. i told her "thats bullsoykaf" she told me "she was scared that i would ask a question that she didn't know". the worst part is that her friend was also scared of the same thing. i went to my room and cried, this didn't help the fact that most of the people i know i think hate me behind my back. i still feel like soykaf because now idk if my friends irl were told to be friends with me. it freaks me out, not knowing who is real or not. what is the best way to cope with this im scared to ask anyone because it makes me sound like a loser neck beared glitterboy. this has been taking over my life and i dont know what to do.
R: 1 / I: 0
hey alice, i finally took some initiative and went for an interview at a college after a referral from one of my psychiatrists. i start on wednesday and i'm actually kind of excited to have a chance of a more bluepill life after nearly a decade of seemingly repetitive events. i know i'll be back to my usual pessimistic self when i wake up tomorrow but i thought if i was ever going to post on this board, now is probably the time to do it.

i hope you're all doing well too, and if you're not that's okay - take a break, you still have ages to figure stuff out. what does alice think about hopelessness, anhedonia and feeling disconnected with the world. is it dumb to compare such a complicated and everchanging thing such as existence with a dumb movie about rabbits and suits, or is it kind of eerily accurate? do we latch on to media themed in dystopian styles when we feel a certain way to replace the non-existent answers to the questions we desperately want answers to?

i'm not sure, i concluded that thinking about this stuff in excess is a waste of time like usual, goodnight alice.
R: 3 / I: 0

The first time I enter

I remember maybe a year or two ago, surfing on dark / deep / as you called it - net / web and randomly visiting .onion sites, I found the Tsuky page. I felt something very deep that made me cry: the music, the images, the message, the idea … I was never able to recover this site nor in the clear web because I had forgotten the name. Today, I found it with my search engine because it has become popular among the web community, so I'm happy to be here. The fact that I was not able at the time to register on the page .onion (the configuration of my browser, my misunderstanding of the concept …) and today, I have the impression to have missed a train … Anyway, I'm here in my room, alone in this new year, listening to sad music under opiates and I want to share my love.
Does the .onion site is still online?
How can I join the ship? I mean I have the feel I miss something important and I want to retrieve the time lost.
E҉x҉ ҉T҉e҉n҉e҉b҉r҉a҉e҉ ҉L҉u҉c҉i҉s
R: 43 / I: 5

happy thoughts

what are the happy things in life?

what good things have happened recently?

what helps alice keep going when things are hard?

share some happy thoughts. i hope /feels/ is a little less sad today.
R: 79 / I: 14

What is your deepest desire?

Hey Alice, as the subject states, What do you want most in life and why?
R: 17 / I: 0


How's Alice feel about food? Any particular likes? Dislikes?
R: 41 / I: 4

never safe

So I was having some random ideas about situations where one person hurts another (it is an accident) and the other retaliates (accident goes out of control) so authorities step in and all sides lose. The side that lost most tangibly will harbor a deep resentment towards both the other side and the authorities, and more often than not decide that the world is a free for all death match, anyone who didn't help them until now were against them. This situation may sound extreme, but it happens all the time in some shape or form. Usually no party has the time, dedication and resources to fully understand what happened, and often (when people are scarred or die, or irreplaceable things get destroyed) there is no way to fix things. Most of justice is just concerned with determent-based prevention, and little is done to repair the past.

I grew up with good parents in a relatively peaceful country. We don't have guns and wars and other bullsoykaf, I never feared walking outside at night, I never had to be afraid of getting beaten or kidnapped. So even though there's always a chance for things to get irreversibly fucked up, for most of the time I felt safe.
What I realized about safety is that you can never create it yourself - someone or something that is neither you nor your puppet has to be looking out for you. This could be your family, the state and police, doctors, teachers, neighbors, generally benevolent people on the street and so on. Perhaps even some security system or machine, if its autonomous enough. It takes something big to secure even something small. You sleep, you may lose consciousness or get hurt, you may forget or get confused, you are not a reliable source and manager of your own safety. Still you strive for it and make choices that generally benefit it, avoiding acts that weaken it.

But then something changed. I'm not sure when, but I stopped honoring things that keep me safe. I don't make any effort to keep a social circle up, and those few close people who can provide some form of safety I treat badly, distancing them. I feel uninterested in making choices that benefit me, and I do reckless things that might affect me badly later. I think I realized how hopeless preparation for misfortune is and stopped. My health, studies, privacy, best practices slowly deteriorate over time and I let them. It makes sense to fight an enemy, but there is none here. You cannot name it or point at it, and the entire world by definition cannot be the enemy, so there's no reason fighting it. When you let it inside your head by understanding it, nothing can protect you from it anymore. You'll never feel safe again.
R: 0 / I: 0

I feel entrepreneurs establishing policy is a step in the right direction. Granted he's an economics major it's the downstream effect Trump had on the political system that is ultimately re-framing or changing to a greater degree the American ideal of a politician. At the very least candidates that would not have been able to run before may now do so hopefully based on a platform centered more-so around reason. Otherwise there stands the possibility of four more years.

I could be wrong in thinking this would be the outcome but who cares
R: 9 / I: 0
should you try to fix things or just leave them broken?
For years now I've been feeling the need to do both. It's tearing me in half.
R: 5 / I: 2
Someone I know ties everything about themselves to their sexuality. They dont get that that's not what I cared about in the least. They'll deny it and call me delusional but really what is the point. That's just how I feel. There's no conversation really just assumptions made so why not make assumptions as well. Frankly it's the only reason I'm still alive. It's a strange love hate relationship where I feel the need to disprove others assumptions both out of anger yet also out of understanding. Then again that's the same as with every interaction with everything ever. That's being. Rationally there's no reason to feel one way or the other about it since it's perceptions held by different people for various motivations. The only thing to do is work one's way out of the problem and commit to the actionable while acting as ethically as possible. I have to do this even while killing myself is always on the table. Why? I dont really know. I dont know, I'm super dumb lol I dont know dude like come on I'm a killjoy
R: 4 / I: 1
can love bloom on the battlefield
R: 4 / I: 1
R: 0 / I: 0

Weird feelings and experiences

Hello, Alice.
I always had this feeling, this sensation that i'm close to death.
This feeling is stronger than never these days, i really feel that, anytime, anywhere, i'll be dead.
And i feel that i'm going to be the cause of death. It feels like that i'm close to kill myself, that i should do it, that the reason of being alive is to die quick as possible.
Sometimes i feel like i really should kill myself, not because of depressive thoughts and feelings (it does happens, sometimes), but because it feels like that i should, and i sense that i'm really close of doing it.
I don't know what to think about this.
I have other weird thoughts and feelings.
OH, i've got another one.
It happened only three times.
Last year i was in my couch, laying down, staring at the ceiling, when all of sudden, i started to hear a song. I wasn't recalling a song that i've heard before, it was my creation, and i really heard it. The song was a cavaquinho playing a bossa nova rythm, it lasted for like 15 seconds, then stopped.
It happened again last month. I was in my bedroom, again, staring at the ceiling, when i started to hear a prog song. It had a keyboard, a guitar, a bass, drums, back vocalls, violin. The song was beautiful. The song lasted for a much longer time, and by the pass of the song, i started to see something like a memorie from the future, there was me, going to music school, people talking to me, and other stuff that i don't remember, but, in the end of the song, i saw myself, in the same room that i was, in the same position that i was, in the same bed, but older (it was a first person view, by the way), i had white fur in my chest and belly. The music and the visions stopped in that point, when the main vocal said ''It happens all the time''. The music was blue, the visions was blue, every feeling i felt in that moment, were blue. I even looked at my notebook and around my room when i started hearing it, but the music stopped when i did that, but when i went back to my bed, it started again.
When the music stopped, i got out of my bed and started to think about what happened.
I went back to bed, then it happened again. It was an afro-cuban jazz (i don't know, really, but it sounded like it), with a acoustic guitar playing, alongside with percussion instruments and a voice singing acapella. The guitar was pretty simples, i still remember it chords and tempo and stuff, but the percussion and the acapella were crazy, i wasn't seeing anything this time, just visualizing the hands playing the song and the man mouth singing, all in a pit black background. The feeling was orange.
(Terrible english, though. I know)
I do hear stuff sometimes, like people calling me, or scratches in the wall, knocks in the table, this kind of stuff. I see things sometimes, but pretty less often. I feel stuff too.
R: 0 / I: 0
since i couldn't empathize with others i hurt someone that i shouldn't have. now i'm stuck knowing this person hates me, that i acted selfishly. I could've done so much more only had I realized my own importance in unimportance. Taking responsibility was/is painful. Im seen by most people as being a depressed narcissist or sociopath. Due to this I don't want to get to know anyone as i'm afraid i'll hurt whomever. Neither do I want to search again because i never stopped loving another. Even though it was never reciprocal the feeling just wont stop. Trying again, making friends again. would mean everything i felt or did before was a lie. I'm tired and fearful of behaving dishonestly in manner. Because of this there is no hope of a way out and worse yet i put myself in this position. With all the things i could complain about i realize i put myself in this position. I never gave enough well enough or without expectations i think, but i really cant identify what's wrong with me. Anti social. The only solace i feel is knowing eventually I will not feel this way one way or the other. With that i realize It's just emotion. It will go away. Maybe if i live long enough and work hard enough I'll actually be happy somewhere, one day. There really is nothing more I can ask for.
R: 35 / I: 5
how would you like to die, Alice?
troubling even?
R: 10 / I: 0

Is there an afterlife?

Going to die soon, need to know what to expect, do you think anything happens to us after we die? what's Alice's theory?
R: 14 / I: 2

Robotic dispensaries of consumer products when?

Why do normal person retail workers try to be so happy and giddy and inviting? A girl at a gyro place I went to in the past asked me where I'd been and started borderline flirting. I can't go back there now, my anonymity was shattered.
R: 17 / I: 2
Entering my second year of college with all Fs. What do I do now? Drop out? I just wanted a cushy office job…
R: 20 / I: 4

unable to finish SEL

I knew this would happen with this series but I am surprised it did not happen until episode 08. I really cannot watch anything that involves dissociation or mind control, I made an exception for mr robot but it was painful. And now serial experiments lain too is "triggering"
R: 4 / I: 2
How do I stop my hate towards others ruin me?
During my childhood I used to like certain things and to like disliking other things, however in the last years my hate towards others grew stronger and now I wish that I wouldn't ever had to meet those kind of people in the first place, as a teenager I tried to be more cautious with whoever I talked to, but as the years went by I started feeling like my innocence has been corrupted and that I will never be able to be what I once was and I will never be able to enjoy anything the way I used to.
Sometimes I might be enjoying some form of entertainment, i might be dreaming or simply admiring someone and I would just get intrusive thoughts. I feel cursed by what I hate, and I hate having any connections to what I hate.
I could go into details as for why I feel this way, but I don't want to intentionally remind myself nor think about them. I don't want to run away, forget anything, stop hating or to forgive , but I want to be in control of my own thoughts and be able to truly enjoy things again. Even if I managed to dedicate a long period of time organizing my thoughts and disciplining myself, whenever I will think about the time I spent I would automatically be redirected to the cause, and I would have to start over again.
Does anyone feel this way?
R: 7 / I: 1
Premise: I'm going to crosspost with applechan until this place doesn't get enough traffic

Why is love so important for mankind?

All in all, is not such a fundamental thing in our lives. Most of us probably spend more time watching stupid videos on youtube or masturbating than talking with their lover and having sex with him, so it's not a problem of boredom. Biological needings as well can be easily satisfied by occasional sex or whores. Emotional ones with strong friendship. And there are more serious problems than love: it's not only in the rich west that people base most of their problems/neurosis or even psychosis on love. Even in places where finding something to eat and avoid dying of malaria should reasonably be the most important thing to worry about, still people gets mentally ill mainly cause of relationship problems.

R: 28 / I: 2
Hey Alice,

I'm going to visit Tokyo in two weeks but last week my depression increased, I resorted to self harm, my best friend is no longer looking after me now she has a boyfriend who reminds me of traumas of the past so I try to avoid him. I'm going to see a psychologist next week but I already got antidepressants, this is my first day and I feel very weird, a bit hyper and I've been posting random soykaf in a group chat.

I am not sure where I am going with my life.
R: 3 / I: 0


I fell in love with a girl. A gay girl.
Does a cute bisexual boy like me have a chance?
Bonus: she's my gf's sister
R: 2 / I: 1

lain dreaming

i dreamed, and lain came
she said, "join me"
i didn't understand
every night she said, "join me", and nothing else
then she stopped saying anything
she stared at me only, but i was not scared. i felt protected.
now she doesn't come anymore
have i been abandoned? i feel as if something has been destroyed, yet i can still sense her presence
mp4 unrelated
R: 1 / I: 0

depression and anxiety

ey alice, has been a long weeks after my last post, if is somewhere here, the hour i dont feel good, my ex best friend has been trying to put everyone who i love away from me, his motivation is destroy me, because he do everything in the wrong way, and put all the fault in my back.
now, his girlfriend contact me, thru my gf, we stay away from the world, do our lives away from all that circle of people. i dont know what else can do to put a distance between them and us, i know he gonna try to put away one my best friends, she is very sensitive, and i dont know if she gonna belive his lies, and that is what is put my mind to the limit.
i put it here because is the last space where i can freely.
R: 3 / I: 2


i been feeling empty, a few weeks ago, i start to hang out with a girl, she is cute, really smart, have a decent job, and we talk about a lot of fun stuff, but she is so insecure about if i want to be with her, or if she is depress i will be by her side, i stay in his home some nights, we sleep together, she is really sweet and shy, but when we speak in chat, she is cold and distant, like…she´s traying to throw me to the side of the road
i start to fall in love with her, and i dont know what to do, this starts to bring me anxiety, and a feel of despair, i cant sleep, i barely eat, dont talk to much with anyone, spend the day playing videogames, or drawing, only go to class, dont spend too much time outside, i smoke a lot, and drink alcohol almost 4 times at week until the blackout point or get enough drunk to dont feel nothing.
i dont know what to do, and dont know how to feel.
thanks for read Alice
R: 3 / I: 0

stuck in a loop

It seems my entire life is just a loop of routines changing gradually over time. I used to spend quite a bit of time on lainchan, then with intermittent periods of looping out of it for other habits. Now, seeing the work put into getting arisuchan off the ground, I feel as if I'm destined to miss out on everything. Does anyone know how to break the loop?
R: 28 / I: 2

post unsavory feelings

post unsavory feelings

that sick feeling you get when nothing is wrong and nothing can make it right
that pit of the stomach, light headed stress that not even your favorite drugs can help
the feeling of looking at a girl smile and realizing someday you'll witness youth and mirth on a summers day for the last time
the feeling that you are but a temporary arrangement
the feeling that you are but a drop in an infinite twisting ocean churning and bubbling and then being scattered to the cosmic winds
R: 1 / I: 0


Had a good day at work today. Made some progress and finally got the OK to install software essentially as I see fit and finally start fixing issues in earnest. That felt alright. Every week I feel like I'm better at what I do.

But increasingly, I can't push into the back of my head the coming crises I can see coming. Article 11 and 13 are pretty much a shoe in for the EU now. American ISPs are already throttling traffic, I have to pay to not have a 1 TB cap on my to the home internet which costs as much as 90% of the internet service I purchased to I assume pay the $3 of electricity it costs to send my packets that were paid for in my initial purchase anyway.

Those things make it even harder for me to not pay attention to how close the entire world is to breaking. Like someone is chopping away at my sanctuary and making me pay attention.

But when I look around I can't find anyone that seems to know about anything. Even when they do they don't understand the gravity of it all, and even worse sometimes they just don't even care.

Of course I'm not just talking about the internet. Just in America we've got an extreme prison population being trained to stay outsiders in society. A schooling system that fails on almost every level. A failing job market for new and old workers. A completely soykaf health care system that even if you have insurance for many can't be used (due to monetary reasons.) Where it's cheaper to have a giant fucking metal tube fly it over an ocean to get to you (my contacts for instance.) or to just take a trip to another country to the north to get your drugs. Marketing so effective it's effectively mind control. Cities that are built to require you to buy a multi thousand dollar death trap. soykaf housing that costs too much. Recreation that almost requires you to be irresponsible to go enjoy because you have other things you probably should and could be doing not to mention the money you might spend to go do said thing when you could be using that to, if you're lucky, pay for health care or something.

It just never ends. Everything here is made to fuck you over, everyone sees it, but for some reason they can't think beyond their fucking tits to think it isn't mexicans or the republicans or the democrats or the jews or whatever the fuck. It's always this one subsection that's the problem somewhere and everything could be A OK if not for them.

No, fucker, society from the ground up is dog soykaf right now and no one seems to want to just say that. It's a fucking crazy that the idea of working 40+ hours every week for 60 years of your life to end up with failing health just to see some rich fucks at the companies you worked for prosper while your family stands around wishing they could do anything for you while you can watch the fucking weather channel while dying.

I'm so sorry, Granny.

Then you see all the other countries. I'm mostly thinking about the ones America has fucked over in the last century, but it's fucking demoralizing, and the sheer number. You can easily see where our military budget goes. To that one plane that's never going to be made and absolutely ass blasting other countries. Just to control markets.

We've got enough money to fucking pancake countries but feeding the populace and giving families enough time to interact with each other let alone other families. Actually rehabilitate inmates and not have people live with fucked up bodies due to the fear of being homeless.

All these fucking little gardens on the net of echo chambers. It's all these men that are ruining my life! It's those women's fault since they won't fuck me that my life sucks! Life is so boring! It's all X If only X If I had X. It's never a lack of action to do anything that matters eh? Go ahead and get old and fat playing whatever dogsoykaf games are coming out.

It's a weird hypocrisy. I think it's intrinsic to humans really. I genuinely want better for everyone. All the time I'm thinking about how we could live to better society quickly and in the long term. I've had some many good times with old friends and strangers a like. Many instances where I felt completely safe (as fake as the feeling may be) and assured of the genuine care those old friends and complete strangers have had for me and I had for them. My family is great. My parents are some of the most wonderful people I've ever met. It'd be great if they weren't so stupid, and so sick. Everyday my parents, in my minds eye, show me exactly how strong people can be. Mom's still working and helping support my siblings when she has no business doing so and Dad is doing just as much and helping Mom. I'm just here trying to be as little of a burden on them as possible.

And I then I really hate them all and everyone. The fact that we'll end up suffocating ourselves is sometimes actually relieving. I can't do anything about it so might as well live my quite little existence and enjoy the booze while it's here. That's all I wanted anyway.

And then I really fucking hate my inability to do a damn thing. Sometimes thinking myself better than others and then immediately empathizing with someone that can see how useless they are. Just another piece in the spiral that never seems to end.

And then I also take solace in that spiral like maybe we'll get another chance someday.

I know this isn't very easy to respond to. It's just the only place I can think of where I could post this and take some kind of peace knowing maybe someone else will read it without me having to fuck up my place as a piece of a machine. Even though most probably aren't going to get it anyway. Even more bullsoykaf is I'm sober at this point.
R: 18 / I: 5
If you felt like you had limitless potential, what would you devote your life to doing?
R: 15 / I: 2

I'm sorry im sorry

I've been having a tough time lately, I can't cope with depression and anxiety anymore it's been 3 years like this and I just can't go on anymore. I don't have anything worth living for at this point, I feel like a ghost, I think not even my family loves me anymore. It's becoming harder and harder everyday and everyday I hope it's my last day. I don't even have the guts to really commit suicide but it will come, the day I will be saturated with all this soykaf. I'm sorry for bothering you I have no one to talk to I wanted to let out everything
R: 13 / I: 2

Unusual... reactions?

I'm not sure where to post this… or hell even what to title the fucking thread, but I am very curious if anyone has ever heard of anyone else having this experience or something similar.

So I guess I would consider myself almost completely asexual. I rarely if ever think about sex. I sometimes forget that it is even a fucking thing. That being said I can be aroused. If being touched, kissed, etc. But I will almost never become spontaneously aroused or randomly start to think about sex.

However, when I am frustrated. I mean, when I am deeply, painfully, excruciatingly frustrated by something… I sometimes start to get aroused. I will continue trying to figure out whatever the fuck it is and start laughing about my reaction to it, but eventually I get so god damn wet that I have no choice but to stop. At this point I either have to find my boyfriend if I have one or masturbate if I don't.

Afterwards I can go back to debugging or troubleshooting whatever god forsaken thing it was. I don't know what I am even asking anymore.

tl;dr: When most people get frustrated while programming or administrating systems, they go to Stack Overflow. I get wet. What is wrong with me?
R: 26 / I: 8
I feel disconnected from society. That even if I succeed by society's standards, even if I navigate it, I manipulate it and extract the material things that I want, that I am not really a part of it. I am not a real member of society, permanently cut off from my fellow human being, and that I will never have any meaningful union with the greater group.

Am I the only one here who experiences this alienation?
R: 3 / I: 0


Can I vent? I need to get angry.

All my life people next to me either treat me like absolute soykaf, or they are so incompetent that they cause me harm out of their impressive stupidity, weakness and carefree character. Ever since I start on a project with anyone they all wait till the last moment like absolute morons to start working. 0 research, 0 trying, 0 abilities. 1 Year ago we were trying to build a web-based app for a project in college and out of 5 people only me and one more guy did all the workload. 2 people were given back-end development and they had the skill of a fish trying to climb a tree. Fucking morons couldn't devote 1 hour of their day to learn PHP to save their soul and in the end our website barely functioned. They wouldn't give a soykaf about communicating and always worked on old versions/ completely different functionalities, thus the webapp looks like a pretty turd with no functionality. We trusted them and they let us down. Best part is that they are ALWAYS complaining about the workload. Out of 5 people 3 didn't do anything and all three came to me trying to convince me that they worked hard. YOU DID NOTHING FUCK OFF.

But the worst thing is. They fuck up and they don't care. 0 shame.

Once again, we had to do a project few days ago, and I told them I would provide them with model answers in order to give them a heads up and help them a bit, I told them to change every exercise their way. BUT NO. These mongoloids copied every since thing and changed nothing. 0 effort. They couldn't take a day out of their mundane lives to change 100 words. And now everyone has to suffer the consequences of their laziness. Every paper given counts for 0 due to plagiarism and I gave time and effort to solve the whole paper twice (one for the model answers, and one for my personal answer paper).

I keep getting dragged down with these people that have never tried for once in their life, people are just fucking garbage and I am tired of helping idiots that only want to live for nothing. What the fuck is wrong with everyone, they don't even feel shame that they are making the lives of others harder. Why do they even think that they are trying with 1/5th of the effort others are making, they are garbage and this has been happening all my life.

I must stay alone, but everyone reaches out for me, everyone that doesn't matter. How can I become an asshole and tell everyone to fuck off?
R: 4 / I: 1
I started to hate most people. I want to become hikikimori and just sit at home with my computer.
Most of people are dumb and i have an ability to persuade them to do anything i want, thats not interesting at all. What do you think, lain? what should i do?
R: 8 / I: 2

I want to feel again

hi Arisu, I think I have emotional numbness/detachment.

I still enter 'a state of' anger, fear and satisfaction, that is to say, I notice when blood rushes to my arms and legs or that I'm more/less alert than usual.
But I no longer feel anything 'inside' me. I miss that sensation inside my stomach that used to come up when I watched something sad, or the warm feeling I had when I cosied up under warm blankets at night.

The closest thing to an emotion I can feel are chills on my skin when I listen to music, but only rarely, and it still feels like something 'external' rather than 'internal'.
This whole ordeal is also causing me to have trouble empathizing with other people.

What can I do to remediate this? Should I watch more anime? Watch less? I only play vidya casually, should I stop altogether or should I start playing more? I have read Metta meditation being suggested as a treatment, but is it a good idea? I mean, wouldn't it just make me more detached than I already am? Is there anything else I can do? I don't want to talk with a therapist, if possible.
R: 5 / I: 0
Is there anyone here who is good at talking to people? I can generally make strangers/waitresses/etc. laugh and have a decent conversation, but it's different with people I see consistently. I just don't know what to say to them. I can't really talk to most people about /pol/ soykaf, not that they would care about it anyway. And I pretty much don't watch TV. Is that really all regular people talk about though? The TV?

I want to have deeper conversations with people, but I find them pretty hard to open a lot of the time. The only consistent way I've found to get people to have an in-depth conversation with me is if I tell them I don't know how to talk to people. Generally we can have some meta talk about what people regularly talk about and different types of personalities and stuff, but I think it leaves a damper on the relationship now that they know I am socially inept.

Maybe I'm just blogging. I don't know. What do lainons talk about in meatspace?
R: 6 / I: 1

You fear something ?

R: 15 / I: 2

so sick of being alone

Everyone always asks what (and never) how I'm doing. I'm always the one to initiate contact and never the first one invited to things. It appears I'm alright company when I'm the one bringing the alcohol or the one giving PC building tips or the one lending or recommending some good books or the one awake in the car to help the driver navigate. But no one wants to hold a decent, serious conversation tete-a-tete with me. I'm seen as a jester by most.

No one cares to know how many days I've spent locked in my apartment. When I once said I eat once per day most of the time, I am told I should "take better care of myself". No one asks why I don't feel like eating, or why I don't feel like waking up. I could be dead inside my apartment and no one would know for a week.

And now that it is summertime, my loneliness is more acute than ever. I hate this season, I hate everything about it. My friends are all absent from my life; they are either with their SOs, with their families or with other friend groups. Even my best friend has found a girlfriend recently, and we often talk about her new relationship. And by "we talk", I mean she does most of the talking and I nod my head in approval, using keywords to drive the conversation away or pretend I care. In truth I'm hurt by this; it only makes it more obvious how alone I am. My days are filled to the brim with bland activities. Every day for her is exciting and emotional, while mine are completely void of feelings and experiences.

I'm getting increasingly sicker every day, Alice. I'm sick of this vicious circle of sleeping till late, waking up feeling listless, then bored and then sad. I'm sick of dreams where I'm surrounded by people. I'm sick of pretending that everything is fine to all these people who pretend to care; I don't want to wear a smile and laugh awkwardly ever again. And I'm sick of excuses like "we are all alone at the end of the day". No, not everyone is alone. That is a lie to make people feel better. Why can't I be treated like a person with emotions? Does it not go without saying that people feel things? That people can be hurt by stances or words? That people can feel concerned about others? If so, why can't I get equal treatment? Do you feel the same, Alice?
R: 0 / I: 0
Recently had a shed catch on fire from faulty electricity luckily the house is ok as am i but it was pretty scary to say the least lots of explosions from what was in there to clarify i live with with my friend who owns the place and i help pay rent so all of his things in there about 20 grand worth is all gone a car exploded too but luckily mine and his other car is okay
anyone else been in a big fire situation? i'm interested to see others experiences with this type of thing
R: 18 / I: 6

Escapism from a boring reality

Wake up,Go to work/School,Come home,Sleep Repeat

This is what my life has felt like for hr longest time aside from a few occasions where I had someone close before they abandoned me. I have no friends or meaningful connections and when I do they just don't get me and stop talking to me. phase through my mediocre life unable to relate or connect to the people around me. Feeling isolated in a crowded room. Then I come home and my only escape and the only time I feel good is when I watch something like anime, listen to music, or play a good game. This is the only part of the day I enjoy before the dread of the next day where I know I will have to go through everything again sets in. Can anyone understand what I'm feeling, what do you escape with,or do you have any thoughts? Thanks for reading Alice.
R: 37 / I: 6


I love to drink and smoke. I tried to quit smoking cigarettes before, but I suppose I didn't actually want to quit.
Tell me your vices, Alice.
Have you tried to put them behind you before? Were you succesful?
R: 3 / I: 1

Application Failure

I keep running into a system error. I have tried everything except a hard reboot.

My application, has been corrupted, by imbibing copious amounts of fermented sugar, which other systems have named alcohol. The virus was slight at first, but, it grew and grew untreated. It has overtaken my OS, and now all my applications freeze under high CPU loads when I give a normal workload.

Right now, I am trying to kill all active user processes, and get monitor the system resources at a baseline level. Currently my readings are volatile and unpredictable. My hardware, is always overheating, and laggy. CPU threading has been reorganized, to no avail.

A similar system suggested to run a script named, found under a anonymous folder named AA. User permissions were granted 777 and I was able to start running the program.

So far 16, 360 degree rotations of the earth on it's axis have passed and the script is still initializing. I am told, that this script works but it can be buggy. My system feels heavy, slow. Permanently damaged. If only my creator named Mom, wasn't still in active operation I could, run a hard reboot, or just nuke the drive, even if that kills other systems.

Have any other systems encountered a similar bug?
R: 6 / I: 0

time paradox

i started writing my diary one week ago. i've got black amazement today when i wanted to write a few lines in a diary, and discovered that there are description of this day. I remember that i writed it yesterday(7). Its not mistake. The time on my computer is correct, all the people that i asked says that today is 8. I always write time in my diary. there are sequency of days, no one is encluded. What the fuck? have i lived one day twice and not observed it? Than why my diary contains these lines? What should i do, alice?
R: 2 / I: 1


Where's the sweat?Feeling hot?Where's the tan? The soap's are causing a throbbing burning feeling in the face.39 million people are dying.39 million deaths.39 million murders.
R: 8 / I: 1

chronic pain

I have chronic pain. Doctors don't know what causes it, other than maybe a motorcycle accident years ago. I find it funny that it's like a manifestation of painful memories, but either way the only way I know how to cope is to constantly move and to always be active.

I get nervous when I'm not doing something.
R: 1 / I: 0

Copland Enterprise

Welcome, User

…. .. … …

You have one [New] message.

… …. ….

Are you here to join the rest?
…its lonely without you.
…Haha, remember? It was you all along.

…Lain….. Wake up.
R: 14 / I: 1
Here I am again. Staring at my ceiling in the cold night. Drowning my sorrows in escapism to make it easier to cope with the emptiness. Nights like this are the hardest. When the day was consumed with being around people I hate, working on things that dont matter, only to come home to my only safe haven and feel the loneliness eat away at me. Thoughts run through my head. Either thoughts of my present reality soykaf hole that weigh down on me or thoughts like how I love being alone and prefer it but I want to be held. I want to open up again but I hate getting hurt every time. Thinking about how I got here and why. Throwing everything I am and feel into question in what feels like a thick grey fog in my mind. What would I even call the root cause of this? I think one of the "triggers" for it would be having to see my ex move on after all the bullsoykaf she did to me, who I physically cant avoid due to school/work, and hearing her go on about this douche and see them together as they are dating now. Of course, this didn't start the feelings I have now. I have felt these ever since late elementary when life went downhill in terms of social life. This event just reminded me of it. Not a broken heart because I dont want her back because of how soykafty of a person she was and how bad she was for me, though ironically it would be easier if I did, at least then I would have a clear desire and want that is easily understood. This is just an emptiness that I have know all too well and I felt even when we were together, but it was easy to forget how I felt because I thought I had someone else to live for. A loneliness that only grows when I am around others and a wound that hurts even more when around certain individuals in particular. I believe its understanding I desire to an extent but as for the rest I am unsure. I just feel numb again. You know the feeling of a limb that has fallen asleep? I have that but for the entirety of my body and mind when I leave my room. A groggy, apathetic feeling washes over me when ever Im around my peers and coworkers. They all seem so happy, and I hear them talk about their social lives and all the sex,drugs,friends,drama ect in their lives without giving a damn how they are failing their classes, are horrible at their job and are on a fast track to becoming mediocre trash, but I digress. I both envy how they can enjoy this time in their lives but also pity how they buy into their own stupid bullsoykaf. I cant relate or connect to anyone here. I want to make real friends but I have zero interest in the people around me, those who I have reached out to ended up toxic or hurting me or both. I feel so alone and isolated from the people around me. Like there is a great divide between me and everyone else who are normal social people on the same wavelength. All I can do is look on as I sit alone on my lunch break and in classes and such.Then I have to put on a mask and say "Im fine" when ever asked and play along like I belong and am happy. I have a loving mother but its so hard to talk to her, I cant bring myself to burden her with all the soykaf she has to go through just to provide for me alone. I dread leaving my room as Its the only place I feel like I can be me.Its becoming increasingly harder to keep the persona up that gives the illusion that Im ok. As angsty as it sounds, I just want to escape this void of a small town. I want to rise above all the people here and from my past who hurt me,treated my like soykaf and refused to acknowledge me. I want to run away. My entire school life has been like this and the only thing I look forward and get genuinely excited about is the future that I can make myself who I want to be, have what I want and go where I want to go freely. That hope and vision I have for myself is the only thing keeping me sane and going through this soykaf.
R: 2 / I: 1
I feel like the last light in my heart has finally died out.
I know that she'll never have the same feelings for me that i have for her,
but just talking to her and seeing her was enough to keep me going.
The last person that made me feel like life was worth living

Shes moving to another state and now i have nothing to live for.
I should have moved on a year ago but jesus fucking christ no one else has ever
made me feel the way i feel when i'm around her

I've always felt so fucking alone in life, i have friends, and i have family, yet i've
always felt so fucking lonely, my thresholds been reached and i can't handle it anymore.
Everything has lost all meaning to me and i just want to disappear

i feel disgusting writing this
R: 7 / I: 2
im feeling unreal. I have a lot of skills, friends, hardware. But i have a feeling that its not mine and its only a dream. I know pre-stories of my actions but im strongly feeling unreal.
A lot of people confuse me with somebody else. I dont know them.
A lot of strange things are occuring with me.
What should i do, Alice?
R: 2 / I: 0

Loss of Motivation

The day I have to grow up
Since April of 2014. I've been restless… because I broke up with my (ex)girlfriend, it was a unhappy relationship and toxic. I gone back to skateboarding the same year, I was having fun and made a lot of friends… But it isn't always rainbows and sunshine like they said. I was stabbed in the back by the people I trusted and accused me of things I've never done. They did what they could to bury me. Even for all the kindness, I've done for them. I don't expect them to give back. So, only one of my friend stood by my side, which he also skates. I just took his advice to silently disappear from where I skate(My hometown) I skated with my only friend. So, the people from my home town still isn't satisfied by the things they've done. They just spread the rumor about me talking soykaf about the locals in where I skate before.
I did what I can to not get in trouble for things I haven't done. I explain the things to the locals.. Which took a week to settle. Now, I skate with a butch of half ass individuals which were my classmates back at GRD8. I have no reason to trust em either. But doesn't give me a reason to be a dick to them. I usually skate everyday with the guy who stood by my side. Now, its just a 1 or 2 days a week. Which is boring.

I just lost the will to skate cause of the people and weather(RAIN).

For ya'll who planned to visit the Philippines.
Please don't, this place made Detroit a safer place than here. Also if you sometimes hear Filipinos are the kindest people, that's bullsoykaf. They're only kind to Foreigners
R: 42 / I: 9
I just can't sleep without letting this all out. I'm 20 years old and have been treated like trash since school (and I still am). People don't seem to care about what I like to talk about (mostly computers, operating systems and C/Java), when I actually try to engage in a conversation that is related to something they enjoy they simply ignore me and keep talking to a friend/someone who's near that isn't me. I never mistreated anyone (when I believe I did I find courage to talk to that person and sort things out but it doesn't always work out…) I'm not a right-wing conservative nor a left extremist. It might seem like I desire too much attention but how? when I barely get any from people who are supposed to be my "friends".
I've been beaten and pushed downstairs and similar things still happen although now that people around me are older the way of mistreatment by being silent is way worse in my opinion.
I just don't feel like talking this to my mother nor my father because I don't want to worry them (my father has been diagnosed recently with bad kidneys and diabetes).
Every time I wake up I don't feel like doing anything. I'm slowly losing interest in programming and everything all together. Most video games have failed to entertain me since 2015-16ish.
Recently I lost 2 friends to pot and I'm still crying about it since one of them is my oldest friend from childhood.
I could NEVER attempt suicide successfully because I care about my family enough not to do it.
When things started looking to seem better last year when I found out someone who seemed to care a bit about me it just turned out to be someone who just wanted to play a bit and didn't want anything serious.
Throughout the years I could never find someone who seemed to really care about me, there was times when I almost cried in class because someone died or because someone treated me like trash but nobody really seemed to care. And this is what I believe "love" should be like in the first place - have someone who actually cares about how you feel and wants to make you live a happier life. I was never able to experience such thing, the only feeling I ever got was of shivers down my spine when I found someone really cute but I never really had the courage to commit.
This is why I hate boys and girls equally, I just despise people around me overall. And I really wish I could just end it all by drinking something and quickly fainting never to wake up again.
R: 26 / I: 7


This is a thread for confessions.Tell us some of the worst things you've done, said, thought.Share your most inner feelings with all of us.Complain and tell us why life sucks. :)
R: 3 / I: 1

do I need help?

I know this isn't a journal, but I don't have a place or person to say this to without looking crazy…

I'm 20, I've been dealing with some inner-conflict with myself since middle school, just a continuous discomfort with what's around me and just a bit of myself, I was mostly bullied throughout middle school but coming out of it, the feelings of discomfort grew, but I don't feel crazy about it.

I know I won't hurt anyone or myself, I feel in control of my mental state especially after years of therapy I've had. I can't even hurt flies. After those years, I've managed to find a line of work that I'm proud of, I'm starting college real soon and I didn't think I'd be going to college in middle school, I've managed to find myself with a group of friends that expand beyond just a few dudes at work, I feel cared for, but when the euphoria of being around people finishes up, I can't help but to notice how not only my own environment in California is just spiraling out of control, but it genuinely feels like America in general is spiraling out of control. It's not the "SJW soykaf", it's not the "Racist soykaf", it's not the "Trump soykaf." (Although, I must say a lot of our liberals get incredibly overzealous, this is not the root of the issue for me.)

It genuinely feels like the cultural discourse, the acceleration in our economy (which can hurt me personally knowing that I can be classed out of my city real quick), the inequality that seem to be forced in some cases, the consistent peeking corporate America does into our lives, it's all reaching it's violent, gate-kept peak, and as the years go on, it seems to get wackier and wackier. I hear wackier things from some of my peers of the same race, I hear wackier things from others of different race, I don't pay much attention to media, but when it comes to my doorstep, an inevitable happening where everyone is so connected 24/7, it just seems…to get even more senseless.

My problem is I can't tell if this is just the process of growing up, or if I just need anxiety help, or if I'm wrong to feel that it'll soon be time for me to integrate myself into a different country with a different culture. I know it won't be the easiest for any expat, just it continuously feels like this bubbling isn't for me. I'll obviously survive it, but am I choosing to live in stress, am I just unprepared for the 'real world', or is this country just not for me? And am I selfish for wanting to leave? Should I stay and see how I can help others? Nothing's ever taught me any of these things, so it feels like an "everyone for themselves" hunger games. Am I just contributing to that by leaving?
R: 1 / I: 0
I cant escape it. Even 3 years later it haunts me.
The best choice of my life was to strike back against a bully in elementary school. It wasnt much, just whacked my bag against his jaw and it was pretty much it, some meetings with teachers but no real consequences.
It was the first time i actually stood up for myself. But ever since then ive been plagued by it. I cant stand my past memories of humiliation and insecurity. There were plenty of good moments but ive forgotten them by now, only the scars remain. I havent had contact with any of the people from that time for the past 3 years, but i still cant let it be the past.
I kind of wish i could get into a physical conflict again so i could prove to others and most of all to myself that im not weak and prey for others.
R: 16 / I: 3

things that cheer Alice up

what does Alice do when they feel more sad than normal?
i haven't really had the best day today, hope it's the opposite for Alice.
R: 6 / I: 0
How do you deal with all of the evil in the world, Alice? I don't mean by doing something to stop it, (but if you do then I'd like to know) but more so knowing that this stuff happens and just being able to acknowledge that it happens and still be content.
I have moments where I can, because I know that there's no point thinking about it or worrying if I can't do anything to stop it, but coming across it sometimes does get to me sometimes.
R: 4 / I: 1

Hatred and ire

Haven't you ever felt that everything you're doing is out of some deep, angry feeling you have inside of yourself?

This is a question I've been making myself for some time. Sometimes I feel that I just want revenge from all the pain I've suffered in my short life. Of course it is nothing actually painful. But it still hit me so hard that I still remember those events and I cling to it with passion and ire.

I do not let things go easily. I can already tell that about myself. I've been mad for the past couple of years because of how much I hated being me and how much I hated how things turned out in my life. Yes, I know, I can't change the past, but that doesn't quit the fact that it happened. And I have a hard time trying to cope that.

Once I wrote an article about how mad I was at this so-called god, who created me in a way that I couldn't achieve my highest aspirations. Maybe the reason why I hate the idea of religion is not because of some logic (although there is logic too) but because I hated how people could believe there was someone out there who could help them… and he couldn't help me… or didn't wanted to help me.

I don't know, sorry if this came out as a rant, but I seriously needed it.

Nowadays everything out there screams for happiness and love, and there's no room for raw emotions such as anger.

I would like to destroy everything and start again, but I know there's no way back…
R: 14 / I: 1

A lost friend

Not long ago my best friend shot himself. I was asleep, and I didn't know until the next day.

I knew that there were warning signs. He had talked about suicide, and just a few days beforehand he had sent me a message, saying he really wanted to talk to someone. I had an argument a few days before and just didn't respond, until he sent me an email that I chose to speed-read, missing the point. At that point, he was dead, that was his suicide note, but I only knew about it after the fact.

It's weird, it hit me hard at first but I had a few hours where I barely thought about it. It's eerie. We fought a lot, and had a few big ones before he made his decision. I can't help but feel like I skipped the signs, and that his blood is on my hands. That is a reality that I keep coming back to.

In other words, has anyone lost a friend? A close one? Or just in general, since I'm not really understanding the roller coaster of emotion at the moment.
R: 4 / I: 1
hello anons…. i'm having a bad day i have no friends my boss and people i work with screams at me
class no one to sit with or in lunch wish i was loved
R: 11 / I: 1

surviving to a breakup

So my "girlfriend" just texted me that she didnt have anymore feels towards cause of my clingy behavior.
Any of you anons have some tips to get with it ?
Most of the time i can stay ok but only for a sceond and then it hurts…
R: 4 / I: 0
I'm scared to create a github account. I don't want my code to be seen and associated with my persona.
R: 17 / I: 0

Advices from friends

Hello lainons
I'm a friend of you from Turkey.
Let me introduce myself…
I'm 19 high school drop out(i graduated it later) an asocial assburger.
I interested in computers science since 8-9 years old.
I don't have friends , girlfriend etc.
I'm studying to university exam this year.
But I don't have a goal.
I don't want to do something.
I know live has a point but i can't enjoy while living.
Most of this problems releated my country probably.
Weird country weird people.
Anyway guys.

I need a goal.
What are beauties of world,sciences,girls etc?
I know life worths to live. I should live because of religional reasons.
R: 5 / I: 1

The most recent announcment

> I don't know.
Do you want to talk about it?
R: 8 / I: 3
can you ever feel yourself slipping?

how often?

what triggers it?

do you welcome the decline?
R: 12 / I: 1

Not Enough Time

I am really stressing out over this.

There is so much I want to study, but there isn't enough time in my life for me to work on all of the projects that I want to. I want to study electrical engineering and design circuits for communications equipment, I want to study computer engineering and work on developing the next big processor architecture(s), I want to study computer science and work on the cutting edge of algorithm development, I want to study genetics and mess around with gene splicing and gene editing, I want to study physics and understand how our universe is made and operates on the atomic level, I want to study chemistry and mess around with synthesizing compounds and developing new materials.

Von Neumann was a brilliant polymath, and even he didn't get in depth into such a wide area of subjects. I can't decide which of my aspirations to cut off to allow me to feasibly follow those remaining. Man this sucks.
R: 7 / I: 2

Crippling Loneliness

Hello Alice

How does one deal with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness?

I feel as if I have no one in my life of any significant meaning. Its starting to really get to me, I deeply crave a companion to go through life with yet, any relationships I have end up in heartbreak. I figure its probably me and not them I've got a plethora of mental issues (including bipolar and being trans)

I just dont want to be alone any longer, the suicidal thoughts just keep getting worse.
R: 2 / I: 1
i watched two episodes of lain and i couldn't go any further so i turned it off.
i went back to read and finish a manga that i like. the manga was about the robot named alpha.

overall i rate my experience a 5/10. i take 5 off because of lain but gave it 5 because of the manga.
R: 29 / I: 0
Hello Alice, A question for you

If you had to choose between love but you are poor for the rest of your life
All the money you could ever want but no love

what would you choose?
R: 4 / I: 1

Best friend doesn't want to live anymore

My best and only real friend has several mental issues and has had many episodes with me in the past talking about how they want to die, they don't see a future for themselves, and living is just causing them pain. They asked me if someone is suffering just by being alive, has no goals or purpose and wishes they were never born why shouldn't they kill themselves? I didn't know what to say, all I could do was remind them that me and all the people who care about them love them and will be hurt. They just said time heals all wounds and we would eventually move on with our lives. All of this is sadly the truth but it hurts to hear someone you care about say this. They said they would end it soon, maybe sometime this month. I wish I could give them the drive to live but I can't. We've been through this so many times before I don't have anything more to say to convince them that life is worth living. Even the meds they take and therapist can't help them. I don't know what to do other than love my life but I hate it. I feel so helpless. I want to help and save them but at this point I don't know if they are just too far gone.
R: 2 / I: 0

Lost interest in "passion"

Hello lain
I have recently been drawing more and posting it online. Within less than a week, I made about 100 followers or so but I felt nothing. I have always been told I was good at drawing and a apart of me thinks I only continued because of that. The process of drawing was once fun and something I could do all day for years but now its just me forcing myself out of a feeling of obligation to post something. I think im going to stop posting and look else where. I hope another creative outlet will bring me happiness and fulfillment like drawing once did. Have you felt the same? What are your creative outlets and hobbies? and do they bring you happiness and fulfillment? thanks for reading lain.
R: 3 / I: 0

Why do you still hate me

Hey fuckhead,
I'm really sick of you always stalking me in the club. The first two times you camped out by my soykaf I wrote it off as accident and coincidence. I sent you an apology letter. I wanted to let you know I was sorry, that I still loved you, and I genuinely cared for you. You sure as fuck didn't deserve it.

So there you are, hovering over my shoulder at the bar
>haha, very funny.
Then you take a seat behind me.
And you stay there, looking at me, for a god damn hour.
What the fuck?
And you do it again when I move tables.
All my friends said it was creepy as fuck.

Then last time, you shoot me that condescending diminutive smirk.
Then you do that creepy touching me soykaf
>oh, I'm sorry
and you stay hovering over my shoulder waiting for a reaction.
you fucking creep

You dumped me! You didn't give a soykaf about me. It's been 3 fucking years.
and you want to bully me now?
wtf do you get out of picking on me now?

Everyone says you're a sociopath. You molested my friend, covered for your rapey bandmate, you outed a sex worker, you used M** for money, she looked me dead in the eye and said "X was horribly abusive."

So, what the fuck?
I talked to the club owner. He has my back.

Whatever love I had for you is gone.
Now I'm just mourning your loss.

You made me feel like finally someone gets it. That there was someone like me in this world.
Now I'm alone again. It was all an act. There's nothing about you that's real. It's all a con.

God damn, you're fucking pathetic.
R: 5 / I: 0

what should i do?

im a cryptography fan. People become dreadful beggars. They dont want have any rights, dont want to have own secrets, own life. They give everything about themselves to the internet. Its terrible. Im making projects for privacy, but who will use it except few cipherpunks? I hate world like this. I think Big Brother started watching me, but why im still free? I dont know what should i do in life, what do you think, Alice?
R: 3 / I: 0
I know you don't hate me, but i wish you did so i could go on with my life without pretending there would ever be a way to be with you.

vent your feels alice
R: 9 / I: 0
Recently, a good friend of mine gave me $40 for a T-shirt he wanted. That same friend also said he never liked me and doesn't want to talk to me again. Even though he hates my guts for no good reason, he still wants his money back. I want to use the money to teach myself computer skills , programming, electronics, and cyberpunk lit as I am completely new to it. What should I do with the money, Alice?
R: 31 / I: 3
What's outside your window right now?

From here on the second story off my home, I can peer right over the edge of the roof and see the empty street of my suburban neighborhood, lined with street lamps and withering trees going full-Monty for the winter. The only disruption is the occasional car or motorcycle cruising down the avenue running perpendicular to the road I live on.

Thought it was an interesting idea for a thread, so why not? What's outside your window, Lain?
R: 5 / I: 1
As the holidays have come up on the calendar I've started to really wonder about this past year.

I graduated high school this past May, I'm part-timing at a restaurant on minimum wage and the only girl I like has a boyfriend already. A close friend of mine left for university and I never seem to see my other friends nearly often enough to keep the aching loneliness at bay. I've matured quite a bit in the past year or two, but I never seem to find any real, lasting contentment in my life outside of fleeting moments here and there. I don't even own my own car yet.

I want to get my life in order, but no amount of "self-help" content is getting me any closer. My faith used to help a lot, but it's effectiveness has mellowed out and i don't feel as rejuvenated as I once did after attending my church, despite the fact that I believe it as much as I always have. The only hobby I have left to me is anime - which honestly translates to "I sit and watch tv and call it a hobby".

I feel like I'm on the verge of choking, never quite able to fill my lungs with enough oxygen to feel satisfied. The air is getting colder by the day, I feel like I'm far more socially anxious lately and my use of pornography has taken a startling upturn and, if I'm being completely honest right now…I'm quite literally on the verge of tears as I type this, and I have no idea why. Maybe it's the music I'm listening to right now.

I felt fine not even two hours ago, but suddenly my mood has turned downward. Far, far downward. I feel especially lost today, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life today or tomorrow or the day after that. I need to feel something, Alice. I need to make sense of the incomprehensible and I need to cry. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I don't have enough of the right nutrients in my body right now and it's causing my mood to suffer. Maybe I'm just a young guy who's mopey because he doesn't know when the next time he'll see his crush is. Maybe I'm just that pathetic.

I'm not whining because I'm consciously looking for pity - save that for someone who is. But I'm desperate for wisdom, and while I continue to pray for it I hope this could be the avenue by which I finally receive it. And, if you wish, feel free to relate your own experience. But it's my topic not my website, so do whatever you will - I'm not stopping you

Think of this as a sort of lament, Alice. A prayer to Lain.
R: 7 / I: 1


Cyberpunk suits today's social landscape very well. We can be anything we want, as strange as others opinion can manage, and I like that. I want to be diffrent from the mass. Ghosts Stands Alone
R: 1 / I: 1
why is all software so soykafty?
>run program
>12 errors occur
>only 3 of them print
>1/10 times you need to modprobe or fix the registry to cater to this pajeet's spaghetti code
>"Sorry, we haven't worked in X feature to work while Y is set"
>"Your firmware/hardware isn't compatible yet"
>"Everyone must abide by my useless protocols"
put silicon valley out of its goddamn misery.
R: 2 / I: 0
I keep torturing myself. I cant take up any hobby like programming because i always need to pick up my study backlog. But my discipline is soykaf when i study, i continually disrupt my work with reflex opening of a site to procrastinate on.
The end result is that i spend all my time on soykaf sites made to waste my time with worthless trivia.
R: 2 / I: 1
Well i dont know what should i do. Maybe i should start telling my story from background. When i was younger i tried to be like each other. I wanted to play computer, spend time with friends and have a good times. But there was only dreams. Other schoolboys hated me so i had no friends. My laptop had a problem in soldered RAM so i couldnt use it normally. After seven years of bulling i left that school. My parents are assholes. Now i have 2 lives. Just another freak and a bit succsessful hacker. i dont feel that im really living. My social skills started getting bad few month ago. So what should i do?
R: 38 / I: 4


This is a thread to vent out your feelings. I recently took a Bio test and I feel like I bombed despite studying for hours on it. What pisses me off the most is that the teacher had a review guide on his website but none of the questions actually matched the content of the test. Why have a study guide that doesn't even help? Screw college.
R: 8 / I: 2

I dont know what kind of life I want to choose

hello all who take the time to read this. for a while my family has been planning to leave Texas and leave to start a new life in Seattle after ive graduated high school, which is soon approaching. I was perfectly fine with this considering we have moved around quite a few times all my life and i was never one to be good at making or keeping friends, In addition I had always done well in school and knew if i tried I could be successful anywhere so if we moved I saw no problem. But the truth is I really hoped every time we moved I would find something that would make me feel happy or make a connection that would stay. Even though I did well in school, it gave me no fulfillment no matter how proud I made my family. It all just felt empty and I was passively fading through life.That was until I met this girl who later became my best friend, Only real friend ive ever had really, and girlfriend. Being with her has been the first time in a long time Ive actually been happy and connected to someone. I love her to death but she has little to no ambition along with many other problems, mostly mental, and is perfectly fine living an average life in this sleepy boring town and cant come with me if i were to choose to go. by the time i graduate i will have the choice to stay with her or go live in Seattle. I dont know what to do. Academic success has brought me no happiness sand I question success in my career will either in seattle, especially when Im all alone again.but this girl has. But staying would mean im on my own and and would have to give up going to college so I can work to support myself and risk a relationship that might fail in the future and risk regretting all that I gave up to have this average life.Do I go to Seattle where I will have more opportunity and be more successful in my career or stay in this small town in Texas and settle down with her?
R: 5 / I: 0

My girlfriend is going away to a mental hospital for a month soon

Hello Alice. Me and my girlfriend are currently in high school. I love her so much but she has mental issues that she has wanted to get professional help for a long time. Now is her chance to do so but it will mean she will have to be admitted there for treatment and will miss school for a month and will come home only at night. Im happy for her that shes getting the help she needs but during this we will only be able to call and unlikely to meet in person due to the medication testing she will undergo making her behavior unpredictable and that I should stay away so as to not have an impact on her. I will miss her so much. I dont know what to do in this time. Of course I know I have to just continue to do well in my classes but I will be alone again. I dont connect to people well and have no friends other than my best friend who is my girlfriend. without her is going to be so hard. I feel so helpless and dont know what to do.
R: 7 / I: 0
I would like to have sex with someone as ugly and unfeeling as I am.
R: 2 / I: 0

Public service announcement

as an example on how things never play out the way they do in the movies, here's the ending to the original 1964 Willy Wonka as is followed by how it would play out in real life

>Willy Wonka movie

Grampa Joe: it's an elevator

Wonka: it's a wonka vator! an elevator can only go up and down, but the wonka vator can go up and down, side to side, long ways and short ways, and up and till now I've pressed them all! except that one! go ahead Charlie!

now lets see how that same scene would play out if Willy Wonka had Aspergers syndrome

>Willy Wonka real life

Grandpa Joe: it's an elevator

you: it's a wonka vator! an elevator can only go…

Grandpa Joe: well I'm not going to argue with you! all i did was make an observation, and you want to argue with me about it right off the bat!

you: sir I'm not arguing with you I'm…

Grandpa Joe: see your doing it again! you don't need to argue with everything I say! and another thing…

10 minutes later

Grandpa Joe: and that's why I'm never eating your chocolate again!

you: can I say something really quick?

Grandpa Joe: go ahead!

you: all I was trying to say is that this is a special kind of elevator, that goes in more directions then just up and down! up until now I've pressed them all! except that one! go ahead Charlie!

Grandpa Joe: don't tell my kid what to do!!! why don't you press it!!!

you: fine

it takes off and the a**hole still wont shut up

Grandpa Joe: what the hell happening?!!! get me out of this thing before I call the police!

yeah I'm sure this version would have been a family classic, I hope whomever is reading this is able to see by now why people with Aspergers live angry stressful lives, engaging in unusual behavior like this toward them accomplishes nothing and only creates problems, it's the responsibility of society as a whole to do their part and see to it that these types of societal problems don't stick around for future generations of Aspergers to suffer through, clean up your act and your reward is a brighter tomorrow.
R: 6 / I: 1

Got dumped

Hey alice
Its me , the poster of a subject about deciding whether or not to move to seattle or to stay with her, you might have read it, might not, it dosnt matter. she just called and told me that she cares a lot about me but just as a friend and that we can stay that way but she just dosnt feel that physical connection. That "its not you its me" stuff. Im just numb. I dont know what to think now. Im just… done. Any thoughts on the matter would be nice. Thanks for reading friend
R: 6 / I: 1
How do you feel?

Why I should feel like this because a human was blocking my path?

Sometimes the average of people prefer to forget the things, but when I forgot half life I had to live, makes me wanna disappear.

I'm feeling the end is near, I will accept it.
R: 2 / I: 2

What do you do to diffuse?

Alice? Is that your name? Hey!

I've been struggling a lot recently, and it's hindering my ability to do my usual math-heavy programming. It's not focus that I'm having trouble with, but rather getting out of that focus state and being able to see things as bigger pictures. In one book I read, I saw it get called "diffuse mode." Clearing out your working memory and looking at things from a general perspective. It happens just before and just after I sleep, but, I can't just take a nap at work.

What is your way to enter this state?
R: 15 / I: 2

Looking for a twin

Alice: I have something I've been wanting to do for awhile. I want to find someone with which I can become "twins," i.e., as similar in appearance and thought as possible. I want to see how far that can go and I think it would be a really valuable thing to have. I'm not entirely sure how to go about doing this though. My plan so far is: find someone interested, willing, and already enough like me that there wouldn't be too much left to "synchronize" on, and then spend years attempting to reconcile any remaining physical and mental differences between us. We'd refer to ourselves collectively / singularly (either "we" or "I") to facilitate the synchronization (probably "I" since it doesn't sound as weird in regular conversation), and physically spend as much time together as possible, eating, sleeping, doing the same thing. I would expect each of us to both gain each other's interests and lose interests not shared by the other, which is why it's important to minimize the number of differences up front by selecting carefully.

Due to its nature, the project would of course require a massive amount of commitment on the part of both people, and would last a major part of our lives, if not our entire life.

The hard part here is finding someone that would fit my criteria (and who would judge me to fit their criteria). Where should I look? Not necessarily looking for someone on here, just want to know what your thoughts are. The kind of person I am might influence where I should look. Here's a few details about me that are relevant in my search:

- Male to female trans, so other person should probably either also be MtF trans or biologically female. Considered doing this with a "male", but I think there would be too many differences.
- Considers themself to have strong principles, and prefers strong ethics (example of a "strong" ethic: hippocratic oath)
- Used to be politically left, but now not so much. Values freedom and individuality.
- Wants to be strong and capable of fighting with a variety of weapons / methods. Trains regularly to try to achieve this.
- Computer programmer (systems programming)
- I have a lifelong commitment of service and love to someone - to me they are in effect my master.
- In my mid 20s

What are your thoughts Alice? Is this too crazy to work? Do you have suggestions?
R: 6 / I: 0
Before start, excuse me for muy terrible english.

This is My first post here, i have 18 years old, i have a big fucking depression, since 4 years, i pass my days in the vez, crying alone in silence, my relacionships are soykaf, all is broken, i don`t have friends or girlfriend (yeah, im virgin), i leave the school, im a ungly and soykafty neet, i don't made nothing, i don't have dreams, i don't have goals, my life is a void.
R: 16 / I: 4
Where is your favorite place to be Alice? Where do you go to be closer to the wired?

You can be physicaly close to the wired, knowing that it's all around you as radio waves, and feel close. You can be physically far from the wired, but see so much of it that you feel close anyways. Simple things like being by yourself also help.

And there's nothing quite like seeing the city lights from a tower at night.
R: 29 / I: 4
Anyone voluntary celibate here?

Personally I'm over relationships at least from what I've seen. One partner is always miserable. I just want to be seen as complete without a S.O. I know the media forces the idea that you can only be a bitter old fag/spinster/neckbeard if you are by yourself but from my perspective its just about selfish improvement in all aspects of your life. So let's stop >tfw no gf it just promotes a sense of entitlement to other human beings. Take care of yourself alice and practice self-love.
R: 57 / I: 7


So I'm 24 and I've had a boyfriend for about 9 months. I was told when I was 19 that I was in fact barren. I couldn't have children. It was pretty devastating for me. I've always imagined myself as someone who wanted children and the news I couldn't have any was pretty rough. Well me and my boyfriend been having sex for about 5 months. A couple of weeks ago we had sex and afterwards he was talking about how he wanted kids. I hadn't told him that I was barren up to the point so I broke the news to him. He was extremely angry about. We ended up having a big argument about it and haven't really seen each other since then. We've been texting but he still doesn't know if he wants to continue this relationship.

So Alice do you have any advice for me? I don't know what I can do to make him feel better. I
R: 8 / I: 2

Romantic moments that stick in your memory

What are some romantic things a partner has done for you that really stick with you? They don't have to be grand gestures… little moments are what resonate most for me.

One of mine is that my partner did is she made me a bit of jewelry. But when I came home, there was a locked box on a pedestal in the middle of room. It had note with a cipher on it (it ended up just being rot24) which lead to a series of clues of where to find the key to the box. It was really fun and romantic, and she and I were laughing together as I figured it out.

What you got /feels/? It's fun to get romantic, lets share ideas.
R: 4 / I: 0
I only have 15 days left.

Over the last two years I've been reduced to the state I'm in now. I can't eat even if I force myself I just puke it back up. Can't sleep normally and just pass out. Have no motivation what so ever and things I used to enjoy I'm now sick of so I end up staring into blank space until the day is over. So I've already decided a few days ago that this is for the best. All I end up doing now is hurting the one person I speak to no matter what I do or say so I have to go.

How did it end up like this?

Well the last few years have been nothing but depressing. Feels like beating a dead horse every time I try to go for a goal as I never seem to even reach the first step. It's been too many years now.

The current problem,
She wants to meet even if it makes her feel worse. If I say no then she'll know something is up but if I go I'll only make it worse when I finally go for good. That's how my day is currently. Why did she have to stay, should have gone like everyone else. Would make things so much easier.

So /feels/ how was your day?
R: 83 / I: 18
Why do people ask strangers online to listen to their problems? Not the one's asking the questions, but the one's just complaining and venting about their life? Is it really as simple as attention-seeking or is it something deeper? Maybe we're just so desperate for a little approval that we turn to the "others" that don't know a thing about us or or even really care about our problems outside of mere pity or curiosity
R: 16 / I: 3

just venting

ive been having the feels of no gf recently. this time i think ive gotten a little to attached to a character to cope. i dont want to become one of those pathetic weaboos with waifus.
R: 14 / I: 3

Being an arsehole

Why is it that people are generally just really bad at handling their own sensitive data?
Over about a course of an hour, I have completely wiped about fifteen discord guilds off their data.
It's easy when people upload their tokens into the repo, but even worse when they're really lazy and give them pretty much full permission.
Blatenly not even hacking, just abusing a simple flaw of the user/admin

But I don't feel any powertrip out of it, and I don't feel pity for my actions.
Maybe I enjoy the chaos I can't see, a satisfaction, or something.
Watching a spew of text, each line showing more destruction to add to the mix
R: 3 / I: 1
i can't stand crowds. even a room full of people makes me nervous. i don't totally spaz out, but it always puts me on edge. i also have this this where i automatically think people are talking about me, when i know they're just laughing or having a good time. i don't know if they're actually not saying it, but sometimes hear my name. i don't know if i'm crazy or just think everything revolves around me. does anyone else have this happen to them?
R: 14 / I: 6
>have GD
>been telling myself it's "nonsense" and "just a phase" for 6 years
>stuck in fuccing rural Alabama w/ conservative christian parents, so what can I do anyway
>turning 19 soon, the clock is running out and this "phase" is clearly not going to end anytime soon
>finally work up the "balls" to order hormones (lol)
>best 3 months of my life, I can think again and don't feel like soykaf from stress and panic 24/7
>unfortunately I fuck up and dad catches a glimpse of my budding boobs on the way to the shower
>doctor had never even heard of "bicalutamide" before that appointment
>get test levels tested after a 2 week hiatus: I'm Chad, chemically speaking
>conversion therapist appointment soon
>failing Uni because I can't even collect my thoughts,
>school has become boring again despite still becoming subjectively harder
>my only "hope" now is the doctor thinks we can treat this as anxiety+adhd+depression and call it a day
>perhaps I can eke my way through uni on adderall and antidepressants long enough to tell my parents and "counselor" that I'm cured
>they plan to move out of this place as soon as I'm "ready to live on my own", which I have set back god knows how long by getting caught

If I had just waited 6 more months I woulda been home free, living with a roommate for second semester
But now they know I'm "going down that path (don't I know about the suicide rates?)"
they're going to keep breathing down my neck for the next 4 years

I love my siblings a lot; and I hate to leave them
Not to mention all the complications and extra stress it takes to live completely "alone" having fled my family+community

But I cannot remain in this living hell any longer
R: 3 / I: 1

Please be alone with me

R: 8 / I: 2
When the clouds are dark and the air is cool, I grab my coat, head outside and just start walking. For me, it's the best time to be alone with my thoughts. I can just get away from it all - finally sort through my thoughts and life problems with a sense of distance, free from the anxiety of actually being there in the middle of those problems. And when I finally figure something out or discover something about myself, I get a feeling of catharsis like none other.

If I'm honest with myself, I wouldn't know how to survive without opportunities like that. I've met plenty of people who never really get off of their chair when they're by themselves, just passing the time reading or playing video games. Am I just the odd one out here? Do people never really give themselves the time to really sort out their feelings and thoughts like that? Everyone seems to be obsessing over keeping busy and entertaining themselves these days instead of actually learning something about themselves or what they really believe about certain things
R: 1 / I: 1
Every morning I wake up, I try to shake off the left overs of the night. After I succeed the focus shifts to choosing the most effective way to blend into society. When that is finished, which comes surprisingly natural, the normalcy begins and for about nine to ten hours my being suggests a bridge between qualities of old and appeal of the new. This works but for every gain in trust of my personae I'm taxed with social debt. Which I despise. Which I try to avoid. Which might be a chance to get a glimpse of my dormant personae that sleeps for another X hours until I reach that much longed-for solitude.

When I do, my next challenge becomes being on my own. A desire attained is a challenge left to master – even if it repeats every day anew. I quickly realize, sometimes as soon as walking up the stairs to my barren, tech-focused flat quite a way off the city where I work, that something is amiss. But even before I can sense what I'm really missing (which I know deep down without a doubt) my nerves and reflexes begin to act. They take over control and sometimes steer me into working another shift on my body or mind. It even feels like doing the right thing. I guess decades of passive consumerism did their job pretty well even if I'd never acknowledge that. But when I deny it, which happens more often than not nowadays, I look for quick and easy escapes. They are there and if they're not I'll make sure of it. But they come at a cost and leave holes in my mind, perception and memory. A toll I'm very much willing to take.

Can this be all? I somewhat enjoy it but it's living on extreme ends and it gets harder with every year. Maybe this is the life meant for me and I'm just not meant to reach retirement? Anybody who knows this (somewhat abstract XD) lifestyle?
R: 4 / I: 0

Cant connect to people

Hello lain,I've been lurking for a while but finally built up the courage to post.
All my life I've never been able to connect to anyone. I've always put on a mask to deal with the world outside. When ever I do make a real life acquaintance it quickly sours as I realize I cant relate to them and don't want to talk to them. Now more than ever It feels like I am being punished for stepping out of my shell and trying to make a friend as after we start talking, their own personal drama and problems suck me in and I'm forced to keep in contact with people I want nothing to do with anymore since we have the same classes. I don't want to become a jaded person when it comes to relationships but it always goes this way and If it doesn't something gets in the way, like one of us moving or I change and cant enjoy the company of the person the same way I used to, and the relationship ends anyway. I'm starting to believe that this is just my place in life, and I'm going against the way I really am by trying to connect to normal people and have a social life, as if after all the bullsoykaf I've been through I can't be normal anymore.The only escape I have is the short time I have at home each day to stay in my room and use my laptop. I can enjoy my solitude until I'm reminded that this is my reality and i have to endure the same thing the next day. Do you guys understand what I feel or have any thoughts? Id love to hear them. Thanks for reading friend.
R: 8 / I: 4
Why are we so averse to looking evil in the eye? Aside from the obviously ideological and/or political motivations behind terrorism, why is it that every mass shooting is deemed a result of mental illness? Everyone seems to pretend that we're all just good and righteous by nature, and that everything bad about us is the result of society or circumstance of birth, and it makes me uneasy to say the least. Do we just define "evil" as a mental illness at this point? A lack for empathy, and a real malevolent desire to destroy and hurt others?

Obviously mental illness plays a significant factor in many cases, but is it so hard to think that maybe someone in their right mind may genuinely want to destroy others out of sheer hatred of humanity or even existence itself? Does something like Columbine or Vegas really boil down to mental illness?

What about you, Alice? Do you agree with the notion that humans are good and simply socialized into "evil" or must be mentally deficient in some way? Are humans naturally "evil to begin with? Something in between? Do people say they're just sick in order to sleep better at night, knowing that they could never be capable of something like that themselves?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I genuinely want to know what you all think about the subject
R: 15 / I: 3
has anyone ever just felt like leaving, like just getting up and leaving from where ever you are? no particular location to go, just leaving. i feel this wayyy to often but then i get grounded in reality.
R: 5 / I: 0

Advice thread

I'm in my first year of college and I'm failing a course that I need for my major. My grades are going up a little, I used to have a 51% but now I have a 57%. The time to drop without it effecting my GPA is coming up, should I drop it or keep trying? All my other classes are easy.
R: 7 / I: 1

Nothing,talking about myself

Hello,it's me.
I've been feeling sad/depressed for a long time,I don't know why.
It feels like I'm invisible at home,my parents stopped talking to me,it'd feel good if somebody asked me "How are you?" sometimes.
School has become a burden,it has started to affect me on a physical way,I'm so stressed that it made me sick; I want to quit school,I will talk with my most trusted teacher tomorrow..
I still don't want to talk about that to my parents,they've always thought about me as a child prodigy,but,as I said,school is really stressing tf out of me.
I feel so sad,I am always on the verge of crying at any time,I even started eating much less.
Really nothing,just wanted to share my "story",thanks.
R: 7 / I: 2
Let's talk about what makes us feel nostalgic, whether that be an environment, an activity, a scent, an object, an image or artstyle whatever else you can think of.

Riding in the back of a friend's car, the sky growing darker just after sundown, the air getting cold, bundled up in a comfortable sweater as the the details and gauges on the car's dashboard light up, listening to our favorite tracks over the stereo…the smell of the heater, the warmth of my sweatshirt, the sight of the passing pines… THAT's nostalgia incarnate for me.

What fills you with that aesthetic feeling of pure nostalgia, setting chills down your spine or soothing your soul to it's very core, Alice? What makes you feel so content in that very moment that you think "you know what? If I died right now, I don't even think I would mind."?
R: 10 / I: 3
I don't want to be an adult but I don't want to be a manchild. How do you deal with being post-25 Alice? I'm having anxiety issues and I stopped talking to most friends seeing that they don't want to get past the edgy/videogames phase even though the 30s and wageslave life are coming fast. No gf but I don't have a hard time talking to the rare girls I get attracted to so it's no big deal.

I want to grab control of that second part of my life and make the most out of it but I feel like it's going so fast I'll be 80 with no notable achievement by the type I click on New Topic
R: 4 / I: 0
I'm feeling pretty aimless right now, Alice. I'm a high school graduate who only has about 15 hours of work a week, and friends I see for less time than that. I don't have any real hobbies anymore and I don't have a car to get around and improve the amount of time I spend with my aforementioned friends. My life is the epitome of mundane.

The temptation to zone out and let the endless days blur together is real, and my mind seems to slog onward and lack any real inspiration or experience outside of the escapism granted to me by works of fiction.

I never would have thought it possible without going through it myself, but the solution to waking yourself up from a slow mundane life is the same as waking yourself up from a busy, cluttered life - slowing down and letting time stand still. That feeling of stepping outside on a fresh morning or still evening and just deeply breathing in the cool air.

It slows down a fast-paced racetrack of a schedule and it speeds up a snail's-paced drudge of a routine. It's like you step outside of time for a brief moment and experience all the things around you, even just for a second. And it's one of the most beautiful things in the world.

This world is going through technological advances our ancestors couldn't even imagine, and as we enter this new era I think this is something we shouldn't lose.
R: 4 / I: 2


Well, Arisu.
I don't know how to introduce myself, if at all.
I guess you could call me Koyama, as a nickname.
I'm quite the bright student that everyone strives to be, I guess.
But I can't keep that up with all the soykaf I'm going through.
Psychological stuff is draining. Dissociation, dependence, and whatever…

Anyways, I wanted to start this thread of support for one another.
We are all connected, and we must all support each other.
R: 1 / I: 1
Who's most important to you? People like to be cynically self-centered and only look out for themselves when push comes to shove, but what about you, Alice. Are you the most important part of your world or is someone else?

I don't buy this philosophy of doing whatever makes you happy and that's it - I believe in self-sacrifice for the sake of those who love you, which is why, for instance, I disapprove of suicide. I like to think that I won't fall prey to my own utter cowardice if those I loved were in danger, but who knows? I'm weak just like everyone else on this planet.

Do you live for others, Alice, or do you roam the streets of life on your own?
R: 1 / I: 0


Ok, the thing is this:
I've been well, then pretty sordid and now quite ok with quite some impulsivness.
What I dont quite get:
Is it ok to live separate lives: one being admired (and told repeatedly), very straight forward pretending to be someone else (to myself included) working toward higher goals.
Another one living off short lived stimulus chasing the next one?
It's really taxing to live both. What would you do? I tend to embrace my "2nd" personae but what is once lost might never be regained.
R: 5 / I: 1

Sharing thoughts with Alice

I start writting this post knowing that nobody will decide for me, but I feel I need to say this to アリスちゃん.

Im a college student (computer engineering). Last year (3rd year), I failed every single subject. This way, Im going to be (surely) dropped from university for 2 years.

I am feeling like I've been having a misconception of life-work-social.
I don't need to be VERY GOOD to get a job. Just being normal and accurate with the job specifications is OK for having one. Now thats ok for me.

I want to live in Japan.. for that, I would need a (VERY recommended) university degree. But I don't think I would even care. Because I would be ok if I work in a factory.
The point is that, anyway, I will be giving 8h or some more, to a company or job. Doing what Im good for (computers), etc, OR working in a repetitive job like a factory, I will end up throwing that 1/3 of my day.
I don't care the money, I don't care if that repetitive job is boring, I dont play games, I dont need a car, Im ok being saver,…
I wouldn't care.

Im good with languages (I really like japanese and I understand it naturally although Im still N4~) but I'll surely need to perform some kind of academic course of it. It would be neccesary for the CV -> Interpretation/Translation jobs. <- 8000$ <- Work.

This 2 years little stop, would be used to learn more, or work, or get driver license… Im don't like that kind of idle life, although I had a really bad year.

Let's say I get a job in a factory there (because there is no visa issues). Just living, paying everything,… 1/3 of the day for sleep , 1/3 for work and 1/3 for personal time (studying jp, computers (im an IT guy, undstand I need to learn more of this everytime xd), )
Let's say that 65% of my wage would be for the rent of the house, 20% bills and food, and 15% for me.
I would be happy for that but it would be really unstable economically.

I didn't want to ask anything really, ……… maybe I just need to say this to アリス。。。
So I would like to hear your experiences if similar.. Thank you.

With Love,
For Alice.
R: 7 / I: 0
How much of your "self" is here on the net? We all have different personas, particularly when you go online, but sometimes it's like most of "me" has moved to cyberspace these days
R: 20 / I: 1

Hello again

Yesterday I posted about my mental break on my trip and I got some advice from people. My friend picked up my pills for me and I took it about an hour ago. I still feel off but it's okay. I appreciate you guys but I've been struggling. Not only with my Schizophrenia but with extreme social anxiety and depression. (A.K.A the edgy teenager starter pack.) I love my friends, my siblings and even through all the stuff I've been through with them I love my parents. I love games, I love the tress, the grass and the sky. I love this fucking forum. I love everything about the world. I don't love myself. I don't love hallucinations. I don't love feeling worthless. I don't love looking in the mirror at something that I hate. I don't love my medication. I don't love freaking out on camping trips. I don't love thinking about how easy it would be to just vanish. This forum is full of people. People whom have helped me time and time again. People who have made me laugh. People who have made me cry. People who have tragic stories. People who have amazing lives. People succeeding and people failing.

I don't feel like living. I won't keep on living. This isn't a cry for help. This isn't me trying to garner sympathy and pity for how bad I got it. People have it worse then me. People have it so much worse then me. I so glad those people can find the strength in them to keep on going. They are heroes to me. This is a goodbye. To a forum of people. A forum of people whom I love and care about. I hope all of you. Every single one blossom and flourish. You've been one of the best parts of my life. Thank you all for allowing me to apart of your lives and thank you for being apart of mine. Goodbye everyone. I love you

Just another Alice
R: 5 / I: 1

Dealing with loss

So my parents died 3 years ago. I was 21 at the time and my sister was 12. She came to live with me after they died since we don't have any living relatives. The first year was really rough. We cried a lot together and I tried to be there for her. She seemed to get over it in time and since then she's been doing a lot better.

About 4 months ago I heard her talking to someone in her room. It was nearly 1 am so I was curious on why she was still up. I put my ear against the door I just heard her faintly say "I love you too Daddy." I know it's weird but I assumed she may have been having an inappropriate conversation with someone on the phone so I went inside and found her talking to a picture of our father hanging up on the wall. I asked her what was happening and she just said she was "Talking to Daddy." I wasn't sure what to do so I left her alone and hoped that this wasn't something that she's been doing for a while. I've overheard her talking to the photo multiple times since then and I'm genuinely worried. My family has a history of Schizophrenia. (I personally have it and my father had it.) She's never showed any signs before and I'm hoping that she's just still having trouble letting go of them. I'm worried to take her to a doctor or therapist partially because of the cost and partially because I don't want her to feel abnormal or weird. Any advice on what I should do?
R: 21 / I: 3
Day to day im just thinking about "Is there a reason to live?"

Even when i put my mind together the only thing i can think of is that im just another useless person on this world who is not going to do anything to this world to change or just to make it better, with that i dont really see a goal to live other than just checking stuff only and just waiting for "that" moment when everything goes black, what do you think about it lains? is there really a reason to live even if you dont achieve anything?
R: 4 / I: 0
I have a severe case of schizophrenia. I've had hallucinations since I was a child but when I was 6 I was prescribed medication to keep it under control. This was all fine when I was living with my parents but I moved out 3 months ago. I ran out of my medication two days ago. Unfortunately I only found this out when I had gone out on a camping trip with my friends. (I hadn't told my friends about it. I find it extremely embarrassing and hide from as many people as possible.) I ran out of pills 3 days out of the 6 day trip. I held it together on the fourth day but on day 5 I had a real bad reaction. I had a nightmare about me being trapped in my room as it was slowly flooded. Once I woke up I felt an oppressive weight on my chest. I got up and got dressed. Everyone was already up and were sitting around eating. I went and sat down. I knew I had to tell them and I kept opening my mouth to speak but I just couldn't get wind out of my throat. I needed to scream. I needed to run. I felt like everything was closing in on me and I saw the fire slowly creep outwards catching the kindling on the ground on fire. Then the chairs. Then my friends. I knew what was happening I knew that none of it was real. I scream. At the top of my lungs and just got up and ran. I ran for what felt like an hour. When I stopped I didn't know where I was. I wanted to keep moving but I just couldn't I just laid down. I cried for a while and the next thing I remember was was my friend shaking me. (Apparently I had fallen asleep.) I managed to stumble out what was happening. They brought me back to camp and one of them drove me back into town. She brought me to my apartment and helped me inside. I told her I had pills in my apartment and that she should go back. So she left me with a small goodbye and a wish of good health. I don't know why I lied to her. I didn't have any pills in the apartment I needed to pick up my prescription. I fell asleep and I woke up about 3 hours later. It's been a while since then but I still haven't left my apartment. I feel scared. I know something will happen if I leave. I'm just scared. I need help. Please any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
R: 12 / I: 4

Wage slavery

How do you endure being a wage slave Lain? I don't know how I can continue like this
R: 17 / I: 2
Does anyone else turn to Anon for comfort?
If so, where do you find them?

I don't ask for much.
I just wanted someone to talk to/at who might listen sometimes
and maybe even care.

Did anyone else rely on mebious?
I don't know where to turn since they both went down..
R: 30 / I: 3
What legacy do you plan on leaving behind lains?

I hope to leave behind my thoughts and ideas, I can't have children but it would be nice to know I live on though the actions and beliefs of others.

I have been called a very, "Diverse" person by others around me a complete oddball yet they all say I have had an impact on them. Either making them learn about the world, investigate new ideas or simply drawing them into the world around me.

I like to think I help people expand into better people, and my ideas and thoughts that I spread do that. Make people think, draw them out of their "Automatic" modes and stop and think about things. I have seen the people I communicate each day start to do this as well with the people around them.

I hope that will be my legacy to the world, people that make other people stop and think and draw them out of mundane life.
R: 1 / I: 0

Clown World

You sit there warm and comfy in your highly air conditioned classroom, why are you even here? Do you even need to take this class, or is it more of a transfer agreement with the silly little insignificant school that your parents are making you go to? My lord, you could be making money at this time of day, instead you sit their like an infant in your little spin-chair and wait to get called on by your so called “professor” or “prof” for short.
Sure, prof sure knows what she’s doing, constantly reminiscing about the “golden 1980s” and how everything was such peaces and cream back then. She gladly tells the class that she was a fellow “weed” smoker in an attempt to get on some of the students’ “at least I won’t hate this bitch for the rest of my semester” list. They aren't buying it though, after all; they've all been indoctrinated before with the “Life is a movie” type deal, you know the ones where your teachers say you can be anything you REALLY want to be no matter the cost! Just make sure to sign here, get debt here, and pretend to know something here.
I digress.
You’ll eventually have a student in your class that wants to actively participate, but he isn’t your average bookwork, nor is he one of those abstract Facebook profile types, he’s more of the guy that sits their idly until he finds the correct social climate and ground to pouch and manipulate.
The professor kindly asks some members of the class to share some of their “social” accounts for a class demonstration. She has a smug look on her face on how she’s going to judge or categorize certain aspects of the accounts.
First to go is a tall potbelly looking boy that claims to be “the coolest kid in town”. His profile picture has two red solo cups with a “I LUV NJ” embroiled into his sweatshirt. The glimpse in his eyes tell you he’s not one of the brighter ones, maybe he just needs to join a cult to avoid being sent to a slaughterhouse.
The next one to go is a pale, short framed girl with bad teeth. She claims to have created some sort of “divided” art that exemplifies her message on her profile. It turns out she just used the cropping tool on Microsoft Paint and changed the filter using the default instagram selection tool. “Great” you say to yourself. Beyond the profile picture you see the array of comments saying “OMG” and pretending to incite valley girl speak to make the user feel better. “It’s all part of the psyop”, you mutter to yourself.
The last person to go up shokes you, his array of creativity, his poised speaking skills when the peons and bugmen/woman ask him “WHAT WAZ THAT?” “HuH???” and demand answers to such critical thoughts.
To end it all, you got the professor smug faced claiming it was the weirdest thing she ever saw. “You must be one of those internet trolls” she says to him, trying to hope on more popular Internet nomenclature that she knows nothing about. She’s smart for a blonde.
You and the third student lay eyes on each other and telepathically understand each other’s thoughts, there is something wrong with people not being able to dissect normal concepts online.
He might be psychopathic you think to yourself, or he just might be whatever you want him to be.
R: 10 / I: 2
Today is my birthday Alice.

I knew it would be hard to spend it for the first time after i parted ways with my first and only friend. I lost 70% of my acquaintances since i was connected to them through her. So for the last month i've tried to become friends with the remaining %30, but i think most of my efforts will not return anything. That's ok. I know it's situational and related with people already forming their circles. It's not about me, and I believe there is nothing wrong with me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with spending important days alone, new year or birthday or whatever, it just multiplies the lonely feeling by 1.2 . Before I had an almost real experience what I can call friendship, I was oblivious to the need of socializing with people, so it didn't affect me in my previous experiences of this kind.

It still is mostly pleasant. I have a lot of things to appreciate in my life. My economic situation is good. People at work are nice. So there is nothing wrong with celebrating.

I kill my free time in front of the computer playing lame online games. I don't have the energy to invest in an enjoyable personal project because the thing I consume unfortunately doesn't replace my social needs and refresh me. It is still acceptable, I'm functional at work and managed to go to the gym 3 times this week.

Maybe today I'll do something different. I woke up early and watched Rick and Morty eating two packs of my favourite biscuit with some milk. I took a shower and wore fancy clothes even though I don't have any plans outside. Then I called some of the 30% ( it may have been socially inappropiate for some but fuck them its my birthday) to hang out but I don't expect them to respond. At least I'll enjoy my comfy clothing and may continue playing that lame game just because I crave it, even though I wanted to do something different. If I get bored, i'll quit, i'll manage to find something else, or get tired of my search of finding something different and go back to it. If I want to eat, I'll eat, and if I want to cry, I'll cry. My pride can shut the fuck up just for today. I don't care, It's my birthday, and I deserve being happy.
R: 1 / I: 0

Pet loss thread

/feels/ tell me your pet loss
>be me
>be 7
>find a cat yesterday, and my parents took him in
>he had looked like she was sick, and had some of her fur gone on the side of her stomach
>holding him, because he was cute
>parents get cat food for her, at walmart
>slept with him on the end of my bed
>share a bunk bed with brother
>he was 5
>woke up in the morning
>cat was on the floor, laying there
>said hi to it
>not responsive
>gone up close
>petting it
>no response
>starts yelling for parents
>parents noticed
>hours later, they brought him to somewhere, I forgot
>I'm currently 18, and I still didn't forget about him
R: 16 / I: 1
Daily reminder to get up stretch and take a break from the computer, go outside and go for a walk, make sure to eat something and stay hydrated. I care about you all.
R: 23 / I: 0

Is there any reason to have intimate relationships with people?

I have always had a hard time making my way through social interaction & just being around people in general. I used to be very lonely and thought I was broken for being so alone, but I've become less and less wanting of having relationships lately. I just realized that surrounding myself with people doesn't necessarily make me happy, I can find happiness by myself. Though, there are a lot of perks to being intimate with someone, seeing the world from another point of view, gaining information, bettering your understanding of life & the human condition.
What does Lain think? Are relationships with other people worthwhile and important?
R: 2 / I: 0

Being self reflective.

Hi lains, I'm kind of dumb and have trouble being self reflective, now this is a problem for me because I am in a limbo between esteem and self-actualization in the hierarchy of needs and I can't go lower again. So I need to develop self reflective skills to better understand myself, my role in the world and the world itself. Could I get some advice? Sorry if this isn't very clear, I'm not good at expressing myself.
R: 6 / I: 1


I don't know if this was really an experience of yours as a kid, but my friendsand I were told to "turn off the screen and go outside," as if we weren'tsocializing enough indoors or something. Begrudgingly, we'd leave our games oranime on pause and go out until we were let back into our fantasy realms. Wedid socialize, but much of the time, it was just about that: our virtualworlds; the ones we were *really* living in, where we achieved great triumphsand people actually cared about our lonely tragedies. We found a short, brutalmiddle ground between our childhood's "I want to be an astronaut!" and ouradulthood's "I want to be out of debt" that we held for dear life as "reality"crumbled around us, and it was all was in front of a cathode ray tube.But we had a strange (youthful, flawed) way of systems thinking about these tworealities. It's not that we had zero interest in the outside; when we werekicked out into the undesigned physical realm, beyond the supervision of ourovertired parents, we did make some agency for ourselves with graffiti,fistfights, and bummed cigarettes. That ground we fought so hard to defend hadbeen lost to unwanted younger brothers, parents claiming their primetime shows,drunken shouting in the kitchen, too much homework. Those idealistic childrenwho were told they could be anything had chosen to be destitute second-ratepunks flung across suburbs and dormitories over becoming tomorrow's strugglingmiddle-managers of mediocrity; that is, they would rather suffer unwatched thanendure the truthful but ugly version of the surveilled future they had beenpromised when their biggest worries involved waking up early enough forSaturday morning cartoons.And then one day, a childhood dream came from the past to wake us up. Thosekids who saw a generator in Home Depot and ever since yearned to take the gamebeyond the living room and weave it into the emptiness of physical life, theones who wished they had their own, *private* screen with which to build anyedifice they liked, finally got an answer besides an adult platitude or a dialtone. Devices small and cheap enough to be handed down for the sake of keepingup with Joneses or purchased with scrounged cash were widely available and thefuture of business forced our parents to let us have them. Our communicationswere private so long as we fled to the next platform in the never-ending lineof chatrooms, messengers, and message boards that kept us above people decidingwho we could and couldn't talk to. The quietly renegade attitudes that had usloitering in the forgotten corners of our parent's greatest creations led us tomake our own, and our increasing skills of secrecy let us create it in theimage of the secret selves revealed when the devices became a part of us.Slowly, one by one, we used this to liberate any like minds we met. No longerwould you have to find a printing press to post your propaganda; subversiveideas and forbidden connections were now in the bedroom and the palms of ourhands. Although the pleasures of our basic desires were distracting, theecstasy of our higher ones drove us to the furthest reaches of cyberspace insearch of friends, comrades, lovers. As more and more of the physical worldconnected, the power of those minds Wired together grew, and we reached backinto the ruins of our past to brighten those darkened hideaways and defy theso-called "reality" that had been imposed on us. These new found interfacesgave us the knowledge and the resources to do things like earn a wage withoutpaying our dues to the social convention, hack our own neural networks withdesigner substances, affect the physical world in ways never seen, and for thefirst time in our lives - or anyone's for that matter - shape society'sdialogue with our keystrokes.The voice we synthesized for ourselves was loud, clear, and threatening; sothreatening, in fact, that those oppressors we thought we had escaped feared wecould not be beaten and joined us. The moneyed monoliths brought with them soondragged us into the knowing nightmares of our earlier lives. What lucky fewwere chosen to be society's new upper echelon by the insular elite were soldfor the promise of safety, comfort, the security of our future - and a fewother lies. I wonder if we flocked to this simply because we knew fleetingpleasures and our greatest fears more than we knew what to do with ourselvesonce we were finally able to be alone with eachother, whether we warped ourheady ideals into their antithesis or if we simply lost hope. In any case, itis certain that this space between the fiber-optics and spinning platters is nolonger ours either. It was taken just like our living rooms, leaving anotherunfillable space in our cramped highrise apartments.Some of us still hide, whispering in the new dark corners of what we havebuilt. We ruminate about what we didn't know that hurt us, how to start overand create a better world where "reality" would be something in which all thosechildren we aren't or shouldn't be having will revel and explore. We tangle andbond with the mess of wires until they cut us, hoping someone as trapped as weare will taste freedom in what comes out, but most of those dreaming kids arestill scattered and alone, unable to bridge our homes in the Wired world withthe sensory one. Every once in a while, a few of us find a corner without beingfollowed by those masses who tell us not to touch the rat's nest of connectionslest we sever one of the countless, long-dead strands slicing into our abilityto live, in the wishful belief that there are still a few thinking peoplesomewhere out there, and  send it back in hopes that others will join us in thesame way that *we* were liberated.But no-one answers anymore. Cyberpunk is dead. If you don't believe me, see itfor yourself.Just go outside.

~ Hisui
R: 5 / I: 0
Is even caring, valued these days?
R: 1 / I: 0


How do i stop getting anxious over the tiniest things? I need to focus on bigger things instead of things that don't really effect me that much
R: 2 / I: 0


What do you do to motivate yourself? post things that your proud of accomplishing. I got accepted into college despite having a soykafe gpa but i'm sliding even more in my senior year of high school than ever before.
R: 19 / I: 4

when you die

I have this idea that when you die your perception of time changes so that you live out the last moment of your life for an eternity. I don't know why I thought this, or what it has to do with anything, but it seems very much like the most likely way for things to go. What does y'all think?
R: 6 / I: 0

When life has not sense

I'm programmer and hacker (in the mit's definition way), have 3x years old and I have arrive a point where nothing have sense, when I live by inertia, whiout an objetive.

I consider myself rational, maybe to much, and year by year it seems to me that the human and the life itself are ephemeral. This affects my performance since my brain looks whitout motivation.

A lot of people thinks I have depression, but I do not fit in the pathology. I'ts likes as logical way where my actions and my existence has not sense and nothing cares me.

What next? What is the way to leave of this state?

Sorry my poor enlgish.
R: 6 / I: 5

Reality disconnection

I'm going to post some things that have been happening in my mind lately, because I think some of you will be able to relate and maybe offer some advice.

My connection with meatspace has been cutting out. I'll try to explain what I mean: Imagine you are watching a film or playing a game and you are 100% immersed, and there is a power cut. You would get a surge of clarity as your reality suddenly switches from that of the film or game to that of meatspace. What's been happening to me is my immersion in meatspace is having sudden drops in the exact same way, the difference here is there is no, for lack of a better term, 'higher' reality for me to be pulled into. I see meatspace (including my own physical form) entirely objectively as if without a point of reference, in the same way that in the game example you would suddenly see that reality as just a screen.
I have noticed that when this happens I start interacting with meatspace, causing things to change, pushing things over, moving around etc. I think this is my subconscious mind trying to reconnect with meatspace by stimulating my senses with signals from it.

I am not saying this is only negative, I think it could be utilized in a useful manner, but I won't pretend its not stressful. If you have experience with this kind of thing, do you know of any ways it can be controlled and utilized? Just as bad as my inability to halt it is my inability to incite it. I've seen people talking about what I interpret as this kind of thing giving advice like 'push through it and you will find truth' or more abstractly 'seek mebious' (don't worry this whole thing isn't just from putting too much weight on SEL, I just connected this to that webpage when it started) but I don't know how to do these things. I am completely lost.

Sorry for the large amount of text, attached are some pretty maidens as a thank you for reading it. I'm posting this thread on applechan as well, but I'm not showing them to them, only you <3
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Timothy Leary Thread

Share some texts from the libertarian psychologist Timothy Leary.
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Going /innawoods/

This idea has always fascinated me and I wanted to know what my fellow lains thought. I've been pretty upset about a lot of things going on now and I'm wondering if this would make me feel better or if it'll just fucking suck and make me miserable. I remember reading /k/ threads about it when I was younger and it certainly helped to create the romantic notion of bushcraft I have today. Has anyone gone out into the wilderness to just rough it before? Did you know how long you were going to stay? What did you bring with you. Before the summer ends I want to hike down the highway and just go into the woods somewhere for a bit, find some peace.
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tldr: I'm searching for another lonely soul to collaborate on a programming project with me.

Since I had reached adolescence, I struggled to connect with people. Though I was at least partially contented with this, in recent years the feeling of emptiness and lack of purpose became unbearable.
Although I am not in any way ambitious in terms of career, after I had gotten my first job, my work became for me the source of meaning in life. The feeling of pointles-sness was contested by the obvious purpose I then had. But then mundaneness of my life swallowed my work too, and it became routine.

But I'm young, and as young people often do, I can still find comfort (and joy :) ) in education.
The problem here is that learning anything becomes difficult due to (again) the perceived lack of purpose.
Doing it with someone else is, on the other hand, is a whole nother deal :)

I'm a programmer (well, sort of) in my early twenties, and I'm searching for a person who would like to dedicate some of their time to a side project of sorts. Ideally, we would choose an area of knowledge (a programming language, a programming methodology, or perhaps even just a particular framework) that we both are not familiar with and try to implement something idiomatic in it.

I believe the collaboration would be proven beneficial for both of us.
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Hello, lain. I came here to vent about my perpetual lonlenes. I have no hope of ever know ing the joy of love ans compainionship. Sometimes it, when I think about it, or someone says something about he subject it hurts. How do I cope with this. Ignoring ot only helps short term
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Feeling distant in groups and with family

Does anyone else have an extreme amount of trouble trying to socially adapt to being around groups of friends and especially family members?

I can handle being around 1 maybe even 2 people but any more of a group and I start to struggle with having a conversation or being a part of anything with people.I'll randomly pull out my phone like a madman just checking the time waiting till I have to go or pretend to text someone or pretend to browse the internet even though I don't have data on my phone if I'm somewhere that doesn't have wifi.

I try to hang out with groups of friends but it's always awkward and people normally don't stick around being my friend for very long. I usually end up losing friends and even close friends that I hang out with more than 2 years with. Then I have to try to make new friends which is getting harder and harder as I get older.

Today was god awful, I was over at my dad's and he has having a cook out and had a bunch of the family over. Keep in mind I didn't grow up around these people at all, hell my dad wasn't hardly in my life until the last couple of years. And I'm almost 30 years old now so I'm further into adulthood practically a stranger to my own family.

I barely talked and just stood there trying not to make eye contact with anyone unless they asked me something or talked to me. But I didn't know where to start a conversation with anyone. Then out of nowhere they started to ridicule me and humiliate me to the point where I just had to leave and cry my way home. Now I'm just wondering if I should just cut these people out of my life since they didn't really care about being a part of mine as I was growing up. Then again at this point there the last bit of family I have left after what happened earlier in this year with my mom.

She was killed in cold blood and it devastated me to no ends, I'm scared every where I go and it's hard for me to be in the general public in the area that I live in. So I don't have a job due to not being able to find a job where I don't have to deal with the public but there's not much choices where I live other than fast food, I have extreme paranoia when it comes to driving, and my girlfriend pretty much takes care of me. So I keep getting put down for not being a "proper man" and I just hate being this way as I want to be there for my girlfriend. As why she's with me I'll never understand. I don't see what's so great about a loser like me. But besides the point of all of that. It's just so damn hard for me adapt in a social environment anymore. I want to do more I really do, but I just wish I had a little bit of support and help to get through all of this. It's like I can't figure out the path to take in my life. I know I need to beat this fear to finally move on with my life. But can I really do it alone and being socially awkward the way I am? I just wish people especially my family would want to help me better my life instead of making it worse and humiliating me.
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Experiences thread

I will start

Happened today :
>be good in school
>be in class
>teacher tells class to prepare a project
>go to the only person that is still not in a group that is not dumb (that you thought was your friend)
>ask if he wants to be in a group with you
>he looks around in the class if there is someone else
>then he says : "oh, i don't want to be in the worst group again"
>the teacher says : "don't worry lain you won't be be alone again just do it with your friend"
>he shouts about always being in the worst group and continues to offend me

10 minutes later

>ask the other person you thought was my friend if he wants to go to the movies sometimes

>looks at you uncomfortably
>other guy shouts he won't go with out !!


>nobody cares not even the teacher

>go home

>parents and siblings don't care
>think that nobody cares about you not even you so why not die..
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Everything's so bleak! With eternal darkness always right around the corner, it's getting harder to get up and continue trying my best. There are times I wish I could be less aware about things, it seems like such a happier existence to be ignorant.

I refuse to give up, don't worry! I'll continue as long as I'm still alive and well! I just wanted to get my worries out there, so they didn't fester inside of me.
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Good Evening Lains!

I have been having this sort of dream life feeling about the world around me lately.
Like everything seems like a long fake dream that no one can really wake up too.
It's been bothering me lately.

I'll here my name whispered by a unknown voice, movements in the night, a tug on my shirt when there is no one there.
In a way it makes me sad it makes me feel of death and someone who I cannot see or understand is reaching out to me.
Almost as if it's asking me to join it.

I don't know if this is something that normal people experience but I feel as if it's something we Lains do
do you ever get that feeling that
you are never really alone?

I feel as if I too myself am a glitch and maybe there is something out there trying to get rid of me from the system.

let me know what you think Lains.

from yours and ours truly
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How many of you Lains practice Stoicism in your daily lives?
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Ethics of Suicide

I suppose I've always had an unusual perspective on suicide. I feel that if one is even mildly dissatisfied with life that they can be justified in killing themselves. Having a bad day? Fuck it. Kill yourself. What do you honestly have to lose? I mean if we are all heading for eternal oblivion in the end, what does it really matter? You won't remember if you had a long, wonderful life or a short, miserable life when you're dead.

Suicide is not selfish. Asking someone not to commit suicide is selfish. You're basically asking them to continue suffering so you don't have to. That's fucked. The only philosophical objection to suicide that I've found somewhat reasonable is that it is potentially a crime against your future self; if you decide to persevere and not kill yourself, then you may live to greatly appreciate that you didn't, but then again maybe you won't. Needless to say I'm not totally convinced.
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The end of the world:

Are you ready if the world ends?

I have a feeling like everything is in decay, and were in acceleration to a zero point.
It might be nukes, it might be A.I's, it might be something out left of field.
It might be a bang or a whimper.
It feels close and i feel like i could bring it closer.
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leaving with a middle finger up
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Eternal Oblivion

The suicide thread made made me start wondering about the subject of death in general. Is eternal oblivion really where we're all headed? Unless we are living in a computer simulation I don't see any way around it. In light of this fact why should anything matter? I'm not saying we all ought to kill ourselves, but I'm asking why it would really matter in the first place. How can anyone be anything other than an existential nihilist?

related page:
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Mortality & Existential Crisis.

Heyo, lains.

It's been on my mind a lot and I don't know where else to talk about it. How do you guys deal with the notion of death?

As in, how do you find the will and power to do anything with your days when you know they are numbered? I can't get over the fact that I will, at one point, no longer breathe, feel, laugh, think, or anything conscious. I will forever be in a dreamless sleep. Everything feels like a meaningless simulation. Every laugh with friends is pointless, every conversation with loved ones is pointless, every development in the mind is irrelevant because none of this will ever translate into infinity, and will waste away.

Is there life after death? How do I stay comfortable in my shell of a body if I know that I can't stay on this earth, with the people I love, forever? Maybe it sounds greedy of me, but if I'm honest, I'm soykafting myself.

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I keep telling myself to get over this girl because i know that we're never gonna be anything else but friends, but i can't. I want to tell her how i feel and get it over with already, but i keep holding myself back thinking that maybe there's a chance. I just want to give up hope already.
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running out of music

I'm running out of music that I feel comfortable listening to. Almost every song that I have already listened to reminds me of some sad or depressing day when I heard the song, and I can't get over how it feels. Green Day is the absolute worst example–I have had a bad habit in the past of bingeing a single album of theirs on repeat when I feel like soykaf, but it spoils all their music for me and I can't listen to it anymore.

I don't think there's a cure. If there is, let me know–but I just wanted to see if others know what I'm talking about. I'm currently listening to We'll Meet Again by Vera Lynn and Je Ne Regrette Rien by Edith Piaf (two remarkably similar songs) and We'll Meet Again is already starting to give me images of nuclear holocaust.
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help with revictimization

i am a victim of serious abuse trauma and this revictimization thing has been fucking me up for the longest time.
basically i instigate soykaf on the chance that i get punished for it. ive lost so many friends because of it.
please help if you can
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Being: Confidence, beliefs, purpose...

Hello lains,
Do you have a purpose in life, method, policy, achievements that you cherish?
Have you reached a stable way of living, both internally and externally? Or do you feel you still have a long search before you find yourself?
Are there any things you strongly believe, what are they; or none?
What are your recurrent thoughts and feelings, if you have any?

I personally think I am emerging from a period of confusion about everything.
The search is not over yet.

General thread about underlying motivations and states in life.
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What is the longest you've ever stayed inside, lain?
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Would you date an android?

For those of you in a committed long-term relationship, how would you feel if you were to discover that your boyfriend or girlfriend were in fact an artificially intelligent android made of completely synthetic components? Would you still love them all the same or would your perceptions change? I'm not sure how I would answer the question myself, but it would likely depend on whether or not I believed that they truly experienced consciousness.
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Has anyone gone through a bad breakup with someone you were in a serious relationship with? How did you cope? How long did it take for you to be at peace?
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Who am I??

I dont know who am I anymore I feel like I am this kind loving person and then next minute I turn into this person that hates humans and is selfish and dont feel emotions at all. Everyone I know thinks that I am a snake and a heartless person but I am not at the same time I feel like I am withering away.
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need to vent, sorry

dad treats mom and sis like soykaf, but we have a good relationship
how do I confront this situation? seems kinda weird to lose it and enter in a über-autistic rage mode when both parties start to yell at each other
although I agree with mom and sis to an extent, it's very difficult to simply pick a side when I have no beef with anybody
this situation is turning me into a hikki, too, I hardly leave my room and talk to other people, everytime I have to go out I have to deal with this and it got me cornered
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Let's try this out, post main feeling/emotion of the day

Today I felt: jealousy.

I like this girl. I asked her out some time ago, she said "no, but maybe if I get to know you better that could change". Fast forward a semester, we've become somewhat close. I think (thought?) she liked me, so I was going to ask her out some this week. Now, why haven't I? My excuse was the current socio-political situation of my country. There have been protests almost daily since a month and a half (not hard to guess where I'm from, but whatever) and it's hard to develop a normal living under this circumstances. Also, I don't have the fighter spirit within me, so I don't usually go to protest myself. Now, I can't wait longer to ask her out, so I decided to do it today. Why didn't do it? This is the important part of the post.

We usually talk almost every night, just after we finish watching a movie. We like to talk about movies and music and sometimes our conversations finish really late. Last nigh she wasn't there. Now, usually she tells me if she's having problems with the power (power outtages aren't rare) or the internet. I didn't push it, so I went to sleep.
In the morning, I can tell something is bothering her. I ask her about it and she acknowledges the issue, but she insists that she's ok. I don't push it.
After that, we went looking for a friend. Now, he's a really cool guy, genuinely funny and a bit whacky. When we found him, we started talking. Soon I felt like I had been left out of the conversation. I saw her face and she was really into what he's telling (mostly about things he's done or situations he has been into). I had never seen that face, mostly because our conversations occur by text, after we watch some movie/listen to something interesting.
And then, the insecurities came to fuck my ass. I started comparing myself to him. I do better in class, but he has much more experience in some topics. He's really funny and someone you'd like to be around, I don't see myself as such. He looks so sure about himself, I fake it really well but sometimes the mask falls off.
(Lately, our group of friends were describing each other's personalities. The game was over when they couldn't find out what to say about me. Other instance of the issue: as we don't have too much time knowing each other, we were curious about what do we do when we're drunk. One guy said about me: "Well, I think that lainon is like lainon² when he's drunk". Of course, I asked him what did he meant. "Well, I think you'd do the things you already do, but like, more". Then I asked him what do I do normally. He couldn't tell me, of course.)
While that was happening, I just had to drown the feelings in music, so I layed down and put my earbuds and tried to drift into sleep. Just as the album I was listening to finished, a friend somewhat turned the attention on me, so she asked me if I'm ok. Of course, I told her I'm ok. After that, the day finished without any abnormalities. I think the guy accompanied her to her apartment, but he does that with everybody (even with me, like three times already). I was going to, and they kinda insisted, but the some of protests are close my place and I really wasn't in the mood of aspiring lacrimogens going back home.

And here I am. Friday I am going to ask her out, definitely, but today's events were not good for my self-esteem. I think I won't talk her tonight of she doesn't start the conversation, not really feeling like it.

I really fucking suck at writing. Hope the practice will help.

PD: this is no blogpost, post your feelings, happy or sad. Happy feelings are nice.
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a feel

Do you feel human? Do you want to be human? I personally spend my entire day looking at a computer screen processing and putting out information, in my gut I know this is as far from the human condition as you can get. Whatever our ancestors did to survive and thrive enough for us to get to this point… this isn't it. The way they lived hardwired their brains to get pleasure out of certain things and to breed certain habits. Habits that we are getting away from and still surviving. Maybe our brains weren't meant to do this. All this typing and reading and listening, I don't feel like I'm truly living. I'm simply prolonging my existence. The threat of death is irrelevant to me, I don't feel it in my day to day.
If not human than what are we and what are we becoming? What are we training our brains to do and what could that possibly mean for any offspring we might have? I'm not sure if I want to live like this any longer.
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I was flipping through an old diary of mine somewhat recently and rediscovered this note I had written to myself during the peak of my struggles with dissociation and psychosis a little over a year ago.

Fuck it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Be with your own kind.
Merge with computers.

I was seriously questioning if I were an artificial intelligence just brute-force simulating digitally accelerated human lives in an effort to understand humanity present in the real world. I made this image to try and capture the excruciating levels of alienation and feelings of defeat I was suffering from at the time.

Has lain experienced psychosis?
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What does lain do to keep on top of things? I get so overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas and tasks that I just end up paralyzing myself and doing absolutely nothing. Even if my one and only task for the day is to organize my tasks. My physical and digital notes are overflowing literally and figuratively respectively. I am feeling so disheartened. Help.
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Suicide cults

Anybody have the link to the chan about the world ending in July? Also anybody have interesting stories about suicide cults
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That feel when your gf cant decide if she loves you or not because she is insecure.
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Recently I've been getting into yoga to correct my posture. It's surprisingly effective! But, the only yoga poses I can remember for now are mountain and seal pose, as well as downward facing dog (which doesn't fix your posture). A week and a half ago, I learned a 10-pose sequence that fixed my back until I had to carry my backpack and stuff to class on monday. Sadly, I can't remember it now.