/feels/ - personal experiences

I spent a lot of time consumed by similar feelings. Growing up I was constantly told by my parents that whatever I was going through is the easiest it'll ever be again since life only ever gets harder. That sort of amplified the dread I get from bleakness. I tried drugs, psychs especially, social life, partying, normal person life, sex, but the creeping dread of eternal grating bleakness until a climactic event of terror and pain followed by the sweet release of lifelessness and oblivion always returns. Im often tempted to fall into the path of Bartleby the Scrivener. I look forward to the embrace of death.

However.

Im fascinated by many things, and now I live in solitude in a desert that I hate so my time is consumed by the wired. I get to disassociate, contribute to the human colossus and the singularity, and maybe one day Ill be valuable enough to pay 70k+ a year, which actually would make life a lot easier and not necessarily more shallow.

I also listen to a lot of black metal and vaporwave to explore the endlessly different twisting avenues of utter bleakness which helps.

Thanks for reading Lain, I'm with you, somewhere across these desolate buzzing wires of organized information. My heart goes out to ya.

>>365
Usually I would say to try it all - but it you already did that.
I hope your fascination makes waking up worth it, it's what keeps me looking forward.

Take care Lain.

Things are so hard, and it's hard to keep it up when one has no skill or talent whatsoever. The future doesn't look at all promising, there is nothing that I could call "passion" so nothing takes predominance, I am just passing time by trying to learn skills which then turn out to be too difficult and other interests get in the way all the time and I just can't help it.
People's advice doesn't help either, they just say "just stick to something brah Present Day, Present Time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" as if I wasn't trying. The truth is that there are distractions everywhere because everything has it's appeal. Others say "be always aware that you could die anytime" and that gets worse because instead of motivating me it makes me realize that there is nothing that I want to achieve before I die. Even more, since I'm such a waste, I often think that I should probably die.
I can see no way that my life could get better, I have standards for myself, but working away my life doesn't seem like a good way to spend it. I will never have some of the things that normal people have, I'm already missing out on so many of them. And even then, all those are nothing but social spooks; I have no idea of what is I really want for myself.
I know I need to take a risk to make my life better in any way, but there is nothing I can aim for, so there's no light at the end of taking any risk. There's nothing to keep me pushing, I have grown more and more apathetic towards everything, and now I only feel like I need to do some stuff because of social pressure (or else I would just starve and die). Perhaps starving and dying would be the only escape from this state.

>>380
I feel this deeply. I used to be really into computers and stuff and I still like them, but, I haven't programmed anything unless it was for a course in school and even then I stopped caring before the semester ended. I work at a soykafty bar where they just cut my hours down to zero this week (sure hope I don't get fired) and I'm trying to get out of a soykafty housing agreement with my university.

except, I don't feel depressed or anything - I know that if I want to get somewhere I need to focus on one thing, but there's still so much out there I want to experience that I can't, I probably can't even dedicate a week to a single subject much less the amount of time it takes to make something of value. There's people and things I care about but there's just too much of everything. I feel lost.

>>364
Sorry to ask, but what's the pic? Google Images doesn't help.

>>390
A girl I've been smitten with for some time. With a little luck, this is the only place you'll ever see it–I hardly ever post pictures of people I know IRL on the Wired, but I suppose I thought here was as safe a place as any to get that off my chest. I find some slight comfort in that face, and I guess I'd hoped to share its good feeling with others who might relate to the tough spot I'm in.

>>401
>I thought here was as safe a place
There's no such thing in the internet.
>I find some slight comfort in that face, and I guess I'd hoped to share its good feeling with others who might relate to the tough spot I'm in.
Yep, she's somehow "relaxing".

>>364
>it seens like such a happier existence to be ignorant.

As sad as it sounds, I feel this is true.
What if I never knew all the "weird stuff" I know today?

Would I be much happier?

>>407
Please don't get weird about this.

>>408
I ask those same questions often, and my inability to ever truly know the answer gets to me sometimes. There's no real way for us to unlearn things and change our lives to the extent we'd need to, to see the other side of things and experience it for ourselves.

I've resolved to try and improve my outlook on life, and every now and then I make progress, but at my lowest points it gets very hard to continue. Knowing that other lains are in similar places gives me some motivation, though. A sense of solidarity or something, I guess. Let's all try to keep living!

I've lost my reason to live and yet I'm still here.
I should improve my outlook and enjoy life again, but I can't bring myself to care. What's the point in going on? It seems just as pointless as stopping.

So I guess I'll let inertia carry me again. Go with the flow and try not to think.

>>380
Here's hoping you can find something worthwhile.

>>408
>>409
>>410

I was supposed to die on numerous occasions over the past fifteen or so years. The fact that I'm still alive now has left me a tad directionless; I never made long term plans because a certain part of me didn't expect to be around. Now I'm here and I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon but it's left me somewhat purposeless as well.

We're all still here Lains, so I guess let's try and do what we can with what we have?

Picture only semi-related; soykafpoasting and bad memes are one of the few things I hang around this world for.