No.2198
Hello, Alice.
I always had this feeling, this sensation that i'm close to death.
This feeling is stronger than never these days, i really feel that, anytime, anywhere, i'll be dead.
And i feel that i'm going to be the cause of death. It feels like that i'm close to kill myself, that i should do it, that the reason of being alive is to die quick as possible.
Sometimes i feel like i really should kill myself, not because of depressive thoughts and feelings (it does happens, sometimes), but because it feels like that i should, and i sense that i'm really close of doing it.
I don't know what to think about this.
I have other weird thoughts and feelings.
OH, i've got another one.
It happened only three times.
Last year i was in my couch, laying down, staring at the ceiling, when all of sudden, i started to hear a song. I wasn't recalling a song that i've heard before, it was my creation, and i really heard it. The song was a cavaquinho playing a bossa nova rythm, it lasted for like 15 seconds, then stopped.
It happened again last month. I was in my bedroom, again, staring at the ceiling, when i started to hear a prog song. It had a keyboard, a guitar, a bass, drums, back vocalls, violin. The song was beautiful. The song lasted for a much longer time, and by the pass of the song, i started to see something like a memorie from the future, there was me, going to music school, people talking to me, and other stuff that i don't remember, but, in the end of the song, i saw myself, in the same room that i was, in the same position that i was, in the same bed, but older (it was a first person view, by the way), i had white fur in my chest and belly. The music and the visions stopped in that point, when the main vocal said ''It happens all the time''. The music was blue, the visions was blue, every feeling i felt in that moment, were blue. I even looked at my notebook and around my room when i started hearing it, but the music stopped when i did that, but when i went back to my bed, it started again.
When the music stopped, i got out of my bed and started to think about what happened.
I went back to bed, then it happened again. It was an afro-cuban jazz (i don't know, really, but it sounded like it), with a acoustic guitar playing, alongside with percussion instruments and a voice singing acapella. The guitar was pretty simples, i still remember it chords and tempo and stuff, but the percussion and the acapella were crazy, i wasn't seeing anything this time, just visualizing the hands playing the song and the man mouth singing, all in a pit black background. The feeling was orange.
(Terrible english, though. I know)
I do hear stuff sometimes, like people calling me, or scratches in the wall, knocks in the table, this kind of stuff. I see things sometimes, but pretty less often. I feel stuff too.
