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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Help me fix this shit.

Kalyx ######

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Everyone always asks what (and never) how I'm doing. I'm always the one to initiate contact and never the first one invited to things. It appears I'm alright company when I'm the one bringing the alcohol or the one giving PC building tips or the one lending or recommending some good books or the one awake in the car to help the driver navigate. But no one wants to hold a decent, serious conversation tete-a-tete with me. I'm seen as a jester by most.

No one cares to know how many days I've spent locked in my apartment. When I once said I eat once per day most of the time, I am told I should "take better care of myself". No one asks why I don't feel like eating, or why I don't feel like waking up. I could be dead inside my apartment and no one would know for a week.

And now that it is summertime, my loneliness is more acute than ever. I hate this season, I hate everything about it. My friends are all absent from my life; they are either with their SOs, with their families or with other friend groups. Even my best friend has found a girlfriend recently, and we often talk about her new relationship. And by "we talk", I mean she does most of the talking and I nod my head in approval, using keywords to drive the conversation away or pretend I care. In truth I'm hurt by this; it only makes it more obvious how alone I am. My days are filled to the brim with bland activities. Every day for her is exciting and emotional, while mine are completely void of feelings and experiences.

I'm getting increasingly sicker every day, Alice. I'm sick of this vicious circle of sleeping till late, waking up feeling listless, then bored and then sad. I'm sick of dreams where I'm surrounded by people. I'm sick of pretending that everything is fine to all these people who pretend to care; I don't want to wear a smile and laugh awkwardly ever again. And I'm sick of excuses like "we are all alone at the end of the day". No, not everyone is alone. That is a lie to make people feel better. Why can't I be treated like a person with emotions? Does it not go without saying that people feel things? That people can be hurt by stances or words? That people can feel concerned about others? If so, why can't I get equal treatment? Do you feel the same, Alice?


Nobody gives a soykaf. Deal with it. Nobody is your mom or caretaker, nobody has to ask if you are feeling okay or not. If they are not asking, you are not that important to them. Plain and simple.

For some of us it is the fact of life. By the age of 3, if it is not already "okay", it doesn't get any better. "It" is always there. You can go to a psychologist, you can join your local clique of hipster drug addicts, you can pray to god, you can fuck a goat or listen to jordan peterson or whatever. This is what you get, it is up to you how you make lemonade with it or if you even make lemonade with it. And if you can't, well you know what it is.


If this is how you want to feel about it, by all means go ahead. No matter what your attitude is though, it will not make it any less soykafty and you know it. You can pretend to be tough all you want, but in the end you are not coping; you are just invalidating your emotions. The only reason "it has to be this way" is because you are in denial of your needs as a human person. I will never accept being alone as a "fact of life", no matter what. I'd rather struggle than delude myself that this is simply how it is and will always be.


No wonder you're all alone.


1. Nothing wrong with being alone.
2. Would you want to spend time with you? It doesn't sound like I would.


>1. Nothing wrong with being alone.
Yes, I cannot disagree with that, if you feel this way. But I do feel that I cannot be alone by myself. I need a companion to support me, and a companion to support. Besides, perhaps my loneliness is more profound. After talking to several people, I have realized that the interaction I starve for is not just day-to-day hanging out, but rather the kind of communication you expect between close friends. I wonder if I am deficient in that aspect?

>2. Would you want to spend time with you?

No, I would not. I have met people alike myself and it has been an instant turn-off. What do you think this says about me? Should I (logically) be more attracted to people similar to myself?


>What do you think this says about me?
If you wouldn't have a meaningful conversation with someone like you, why should anybody else want that? Maybe you are driving people away yourself.
>using keywords to drive the conversation away or pretend I care
Just say if something is hurting you. I guess opening up is your problem and I can understand, having similar difficulties. That's the issue with being alone. The more time you spend with yourself, the harder it becomes to change perspective and care for others, as your own problems are so much more present.


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>When I once said I eat once per day most of the time, I am told I should "take better care of myself". No one asks why I don't feel like eating, or why I don't feel like waking up.
When i say I eat once per day most of the time, I am told I should "take better care of myself". No one asks why I'm too busy enjoying life to eat or why i don't sleep till i'm exhausted.

if u want to talk, i'm right here,
but i'm not going to feel bad for not reading your mind.

life is hard but you don't have to blame other people.
that type of shіt'll make me not want us to meet each other.


Sounds like you need some structure, of course you feel like soykaf if you fuck with your sleeping rhythm. Get a job, set an alarm for waking up no matter how late, just anything that gives you purpose.


I felt a lot like this a few years ago and it devolved into not socializing with anyone at all. Of course, a lot of people moved away too but the ones who stayed in town started having kids or devoting their entire lives to their jobs. There is no one left now and I forget how start over, something I've done before.

> Should I (logically) be more attracted to people similar to myself?
The reasons people are drawn together either sexually or as friends are so complex that thinking about it "logically" is often past our ability.


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The sad reality is that people are cruel, and don't want to associate with those who are too eager to show their vulnerabilities.

I am exactly like you in terms of mindset when I'm alone, but I have an auxillary personality that I use when around others. Only way for me to maintain a social life.


I feel that that sort of behavior you are expecting from others is something that people generally aren't good with responding to. Outside of simple disinterest, maybe they just do not know how to follow up on or initiate such serious, meaningful conversations. Humans are clueless.

Maybe you should be more direct in what you want to discuss? "Hey, do you mind if we talk about…", "I feel troubled by something, mind if you could give me advice/your thoughts?"

As much as I'd like for others to be more sensitive to their friends feelings and just "know" when something is wrong, most of the time things just go over their head. I think a direct approach can also serve as a sort of test that will help you figure out who is responsive and actually cares about your well-being.


Welp, here's my 2 cents on this. I lost my first and only important girlfriend / friend I've had about 8 years ago. Before I met her, I was fat and very lazy and when I learned that I had to meet her I lost all the weight and fixed myself enough that I got to know somebody who was very synchronized with who I was as a person. Times with her were unique, but never happy. It felt as if I was pushed or "transformed" into the 100% version of myself. And then of course she just stopped being here. When she died I went into a working frenzy an I would animate everyday being closed inside and just in general accepting that what is done is here to stay forever.

It's been 8 years and what I am about to say is cruel, but that's just how I feel. I am free. I feel as if there is just no purpose of spice in life anymore. I got to feel the apex of myself and the world, yet somehow I see it as the right path that life put me into. My closest friends are assholes, people in my uni are boring, bland, megalomaniacs who would rather step on a baby than break the monotony that is their life and try to bond with anyone around them. To most, I am a jester like you, I embarrass myself, score low on tests and other crap.

Worst thing is that this freedom I talked about is the best way to fool people around you. I got to know many people, to the point that some consider me popular/ alpha male/ handsome /whatever crap. No matter how many girlfriends / parties/ being drunk, none helps, I know that I will wake up next morning and think of talking to someone that isnt there anymore. And somehow through all this people will never see that self, that self loathing person that is true, but repulsive, only because these same people dont want something that matters, they want to be happy, they don't want to connect to others around them, maybe they are afraid, or maybe they just stopped searching for that 100% of themselves.

Anyways, the world is very lonely. I don't know if you are like me, but this "things" we feel make me want to help.

Protip: start lifting


soykaf, i'm like you.


this alice is damn right, you should try to talk more directly about the things you want to and if they wont keep a conversation about that, it is just that they are rude. and you should tell them about that rudeness too.


I second this. OP, you need to be more vocal about this to the people you care about. Tell them the same things you've told us. Tell them how alone you feel, or how they never ask how you're doing. Tell them how you feel hurt and want them to have more of a regard toward your emotions, or feel like you're seen as a jester by them. Tell your friends that you feel they're absent from your life. If you can work up the courage to tell us, I think you can tell them as well.

You should stop pretending to be okay to them, and let them know you're not okay. If these people truly care about your well-being, they'll take some sort of time out of their day to actually listen to you, and try to help you. If they don't care, even after all that, then I'd suggest you find better friends.

I think you need to be a more assertive, OP. Don't be aggressive, because that might alienate someone you care about. But assert yourself. Tell your best friend that you'd like to have a serious discussion, one about how you feel. Tell them how you're hurt by the superficial act you have to put on. Don't tell them that you "don't care" about their relationship, of course, but the superficial act is worth mentioning. Tell them how every day for them is "exciting and emotional", while yours are "completely void of feelings and experiences". Tell them how you "don't want to wear a smile and laugh awkwardly ever again."

I don't know how you feel about this sort of thing, OP, but I'd also recommend seeing a therapist, if you can afford it. Again, tell them everything you've told us. I see a therapist myself, and he's provided so much help and support these past 6 years of my life. Also, I'd recommend getting out of the apartment more. Find something out of the house that you enjoy doing. Something that makes you feel good, and gives your life purpose. Especially if it's something with your friends. In my case, I've taken to volunteering at the local homeless shelter; not only because it gives my life meaning, but because it helps those who need it most.

One more thing; don't listen to all the negatives in this thread trying to bring you down further. They're not worth the time. And, for the record, I'm not trying to "tell" you to do anything, either, OP. I'm just trying to give you some advice. Whether or not you try it is up to you.

Speak up more to your friends about this, try to get out more and do things you enjoy, and see a therapist if you can.

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