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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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I'm just curious, Alice. What keeps you going?

You know you'll die someday, no matter what you do. But why not tomorrow? What is it that you have to do before disappearing? Is there even such a thing, or is it just inertia?


It really just depends on how you view death and the afterlife. Most modern people don't believe in anything supernatural and think that there is nothing when you die, and are afraid of pain and death because of that. In contrast, in old germanic religion fighting and pain was glorified as they believed you would go to valhalla if you died heroically in battle, and if not that then you would reincarnate.


>Most modern people
These people sound interesting.
What else characterizes modern people?
i wonder if i qualify.




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a little bit of inertia. for our lifetime we never be able to find a set and proper purpose with our lifes. it's all up to us and that's the freedom of it. for me, i am happy while programming therefore my life has meaning.

suicide was not an option for me. every time i think of it, i think of the countless resources that give me knowledge. even teachers at schools have been only trained to craft us to do good to the world. i think of the incredible selfishness that taking your life has, not to the people you form relationships with, but to humanity's progress.

the only challenge in that is convincing yourself that you can contribute. but we all contribute our part, no matter how small or large.

i often think about the amount of output vs input my life has. as in, do i contribute enough to humanity to justify the food i eat to do so? in terms of that, no. but few of us do. and all we can do is try to do more to make sure output is greater than consumption or input. if i thought only in terms of output vs input, i would have probably killed myself long ago.


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In spite of the fact I haven't left my house for 3 months, lost my job, friends, failed in all of my obligations, have no connections aside from horribly angry and insane ones. In spite of being suicidal, too anxious to get anything done, hyper ventilating when I think about making a phone call, in constant withdrawal from not having had a beer or smoke in months, in spite of all of that.

I've accepted I don't have a positive life anymore, and there's only two reasons I have left to not kill myself. First off, I really fucking hate how things have turned out, and it's all my fault- so I'd prefer to fix them as best as I can and tell everyone else to fuck off with their bullsoykaf. Secondly, I am positive that things can get better…

You often don't get what you want in life if you expect the life you want to happen. The irony of nihilism is that it IS pointless to worry if things are pointless or not. I really cry, and I tear up when I just try and think about how great things could be right now, and down the road if I just hadn't fucked up. But you can't make some people happy, no matter what you do, you can't make someone love you.

I'm stuck between a constant rift of obligation and adventure, and I'm indirectly killing myself with the stress I'm putting on my body/brain over time. But I know there has to be a way to get better. Because your brain can get sick. And suicidal thoughts are like sneezing at this point.

I guess I also don't want to hurt the few people who would care. Obviously some people would still be sad but they can go fuck themselves, because I'd sooner die than admit I was wrong to them.

I guess sometimes it's hard to see where you're going when you don't know where you are or you didn't really establish where you've been (time is a location, really). I guess, if you need to frame your life/experience/state in a narrative structure then it's pretty fucking important to give it a narrative, a real one. I don't really want my narrative to end with- he failed so hard that he spiraled into depression, lost everything again, and just fucking killed himself. That is like- not a good story.


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Life is fun, why would I want to stop having fun? Especially when I'm going to die anyway I'd like to enjoy all the things as much as possible.


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wow… only… a… 23… year… old… doomer… would… put… so… many… dotdotdots…



I still want to believe that it will get better. There are days when I don't believe it, but the desire to believe keeps me going until the days when I do believe.

It would hurt my family and I don't want to do that.


I was going to make an extensive post about what you should do to get gud, but you weren't going to follow it anyway. How infuriating. This raises my blood pressure. Why is it so hard to stop giving a damn?


Death is the most painful experience imaginable. Why would I want to go through that?



how many times, have you died ?


There is no reason to go on and there is no reason to end it. "Reason" itself is just a strange trick to coax intelligence into helping manage things like your hunger, thirst, pain, anger, frustration, tiredness, sexual desire, fear, etc. Intelligence doesn't really care about those things, you need stuff like 'values' and 'goals' to do the diplomacy. But that's what they are, imaginary duct tape keeping you together. There is no reason not to fall apart; it's just that when you're de facto not falling apart there's something around you that you perceive as "reason". When you do start falling apart, you miss this duct tape that held you together and search for it as if it was something external when in truth it's fully internal. Only you can start imagining/projecting it again. People who pursue intelligence or understanding have long been struggling to get rid of desire, pain, fear and hunger as all they do is give them reasons not to focus on their intellectual pursuits.

So yeah, in OPs terms it's inertia all the way. I get little episodes of mania and obsession over something or the occasional apathy towards everything, but they pass. I never needed some higher purpose to be here, and I never could understand those who do. I suppose I'm lucky to be this empty.


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Honestly, only thing keeps me going is the people around me. Wife. Parents. Friends.

Without those, I'd be buying a one way ticket to the Netherlands.

"That the longest-lived and those who will die soonest lose the same thing. The present is all that they can give up, since that is all you have, and what you do not have, you cannot lose."


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> Wife. Parents. Friends.

I used to have all of those.


I just don't want to. There's a lot of stuff I still wanna do. Lots of things I can keep myself busy with and I'm in no hurry.


My next empathogen/general SRA roll, unironically


I'm not sure, probably my gf. I pretty much constantly daydream and actually dream about suicide and it's what's mainly on my mind.


i'd be letting a lot of people down.
and I want to see what happens next probably


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for me, it's robitussin :)


My christian background keeps me in check.


Life is too short to just throw it away.
After death, it may be nothing, another go at life, ascending, descending or whatever.
The point is, we just don't know. So one should always find meaning in one's existence.

Depressed people go on about life's meaningless, but tbh, it isn't. Every single act that you do affects someone else in some form or another.
I believe, no matter how futile or naive it may seem, that one should always find ways to make things better for the next guy.
Even if all you do in life is take care of animals, or a single hot meal for some hobo, or even just picking up something for someone who dropped it.


Because I still have stuff to do.


> What keeps you going?
Alcohol and escapism.
> But why not tomorrow?
Because tomorrow I can soothe myself with some alcohol and escapism. If I died today, I wouldn't be able to do that, would I. It doesn't even matter if the is a God, of allah, or something, I'm a sinner of every religion that exists; so if I die, it's ether hell or nothingness.
I'd rather read a book and get drunk.


It depends on the day. Some days I genuinely feel good and keep going by default. On worse days I have to consider some relationships where it would severely hurt other people if I ended everything. And on my more boring "in the middle" days I just want to see what happens if I keep things going for another 24 hours.

Cultivating that curiosity is pretty important because my mood varies a lot from day to day. So making a deal with myself to just "fuck it, and see how things look tomorrow" is pretty effective for me.


Laziness. If I wasn't a professional procrastinator I would've ended myself ages ago. Guess I'll just wait until the pain becomes too unbearable, or stop feeling anything altogether, because honestly I can't even cry anymore, no matter how sad and melancholic I am. Or maybe I'm just dead inside.


Actually, fear of pain.
Even if it's probably really short, you must have a great pain when you kill yourself.
And also I don't want my family to cry.
I can't ruin their life because I hate mine.


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i like being alive. i don't necessarily like my life, but i am glad that i am a conscious being. how cool to experience consciousness and connection of my consciousness with that of others. wow.

even when i feel out-of-my-mind sad/weird, some part of me is marveling that i am even alive to feel such things. i like it.


Maybe I am the odd person out because I'm not depressed and am genuinely happy with my current and past situations, but I don't really feel like I could pinpoint precisely what keeps me going.

I live with a person who loves me. I have friends who are supportive and care about me, they encourage me in my works/projects. My family and I are on good terms even if we butt heads a bit. I find the stuff I work on and my personal projects really fun and fascinating.

Even with all that though, I don't think those are the things that really keep me going. I've been in situations before where I was homeless living in a place with no running water or heat in a winter, and I didn't have any money, and I was out on bail. Even then which is probably the objectively lowest I've ever been I was very content and happy with everything in my life. That said, I don't think mental stability and resilience is more important for drive than any outside factor like family, friends, money, legal trouble, having a project.


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I don't live in burgerica so all available options of ending it are far far less reliable than gunshot. Any kind of suicide attempt will probably leave my body weakened or even severely damaged making daily life unbearable. Living with such inconveniences is something not worth trying less effective methods. I want to be certain not to come back whatever happens after death.

The other thing is that my parents and grandmother will be devastated and it will probably spiral down their lives as well.

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