/feels/ - personal experiences

I feel you. Every day feels like the previous just set on repeat. Nothings ever new, just the previous day over and over again. Even when I see friends 20 minutes after getting home it's back the repeat.

Forgive my edginess, Arisu.

Every day I feel more and more like an NPC character, average, boring, lifeless. I'm hating myself more and more and every day plays back like the last, and I envision myself in the future, looking back regretting my entire life because I spent it wasting away. The things I used to like doing just feel like distractions now, things I do just because why not, or what else is there to do? School is a distraction. Friends are a distraction. My whole life is a distraction—and what am I being distracted of? What am I supposed to see? Yet I go through the motions of life anyways because doing something is better than nothing.

And whenever I do go out and do something useful, I hate myself more because I can feel myself mutating into some kind of normal person…? Somehow, by going outside, hanging out with friends, saying hello to people in the hallways, I'm losing more and more of myself. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I only haven't killed myself because my parents have wasted precious years of their life raising me, sacrificing their own happiness for mine. People have invested so much of their life on me, and it's only unfair not to give back…. But suicide still hangs in the back of my mind. Maybe I'll work towards some greater goal, make my family happy, have children or whatever, and kill myself finally. And I hope it won't be too late.

>>1252
I have felt the same way. you need to realise you have a perception that filters your reality, in other words, what you think is true isn't true. my advice is you have to leave whatever town you are in. i strongly recommend this. i am going to travel and i dont know how long, but its important because i know i need to get out of here and most importantly leave my comfort zone. hope this helps.

These experiences you have are not any less real than what you call "reality". The real world and the wired have already merged, everything is real if it is being experienced.
>Can anyone understand what I'm feeling
Fuck yes. I relate strongly.
>what do you escape with
anime, music and drugs, usually a combination of those things. But I don't see it as escaping, to me those things hold more value than my pathetic meatspace existence.
>do you have any thoughts?
Don't feel guilty. Embrace the escapism, that's what gives life it's meaning. If all we did was work then we'd be nothing more than slaves. All art is an escape.
Don't fall for the "reality" meme, it's soykaf.

>>1256
Partially agree with you. One day I will stop escaping, I'll do what I truly want to do, live in instability, everyday as being a different day, going homeless, idk. Can't do that now because I am still in school, but I will. It would be cooler if I did this with someone else, but I only know normal people, people usually like to play games the whole day and go to the cinema sometimes. I thought I was happy, but philosophy and introspection made me realize how soykafty our lifes really are.

All I see is blooming blooms.

I cannot recommend reading this book enough. Changed my vision of the emptiness of your lives. In many ways, explained it. Certainly not entirely solved it, but being lucid in our own situation is a necessary first step.

https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/tiqqun-bloom-theory

>>1243
What do you do for a living?

Lucid dreaming is pretty nice when you get the hang of it, but then it gets very depressing when you realize the best part of the day is when you are sleeping

>>1243
The solution isn't to keep running, or to stop running - it's to cure the illness you are running from. Make your life something you no longer want to escape from

Travel, OP. Don't move, don't shatter the foundations of home. Just get in the car, start driving, sleep in it until the next morning and start driving again until you find the sky getting dark once more. Climb up something and watch the sun set on the horizon. Then cozy up in your car again and make your way back home.

When you get home, lock yourself out of your own house and give the key to an older sibling that won't listen to you when you inevitably ask for it back.

The only thing left to do after that is find something to do. You have your wallet, you have your own two feet and maybe your own car, and you have a cellphone to get in touch with whomever you want. Just do something, and I promise you routine is not what you'll get.

>>1258
I tried reading this once but couldn't understand a thing.

>>1275
I had huge difficulties at first, as I had with the books that predate this one (Debord's Spectacle being the 1st of them).
So I just read, choosed to ignore the bits I didnt understood and focused on the parts I did. Then came back weeks or months later, when I thought of the book again, and understood a bit more, etc.
The language used is very precise as well as polysemous. It's expected not to understand everything at once, if you do not have a PhD in Marx-inspired philosophers.

>>1252
>>1254
When I went abroad for a three month internship, I realized how important my friends are for me, what a blessing it can be to return to your very own home and even though nobody can truly understand another, how important it is to exchange and have a part of you treasured inside of other peoples minds.

Now, being back at home, I however have the same trouble again to appreciate the gifts I receive every day. One gets so easily used to comfort. It's not even funny.

I have no advice in particular, apart from the idea of striving for something unusual each day. Always try something new or work creative in your spare time, thus adding the new part of your world yourself! The evidence of leaving your footprint on the path you have traveled is among the most satisfying things there are. On top of that you can form new connections through such a hobby and learn from the experience of others, who struggled the same way.

I think a huge problem is how we spend the little free time we have. I used to spend my free hours just reading social media or staring at my blank walls but since I started to read books or do sport in my free time it got a lot more bearable. I would say need to do something that is quite opposite to what you do, if it's your job or school. Your psychological health will improve and you will stop feeling like you're wasting all your time

I'm pretty familiar with that feeling OP. I don't really have any advice for it, I'm also merely coping.

>>1252
That's almost exactly what I've been thinking, plus the part about happiness only existing for the purposes of ensuring reproduction and the preservation of offspring.

You've pretty much described my life, Arisu. I don't know what to do with it, too. I try to grab something I may be interested in, "do the job you love and your life will be unicorns eating butterflies and soykafting rainbows", you know, but every time I tried I got burned out pretty soon. I try something interesting, it becomes a tedium I have to do every day for my bread and butter, and I understand it. This is ridiculous. I'm forced, basically, to do a job I hate so I can enjoy smth I haven't already wasted this way (trying and getting a burnout) in my spare time.
How could other people ignore this. Or surpress, or something. The only thing that keeps me going is escapism through consumption of media.

>do you have any thoughts
I will off myself someday. It will be a regular miserable day, I'll get soykaffaced, and pump myself on some depressing soykaf, and this will be the day.
What do you think of suicide, Arisu?

I can empathize greatly, now that I'm pretty much done with uni. Once your education is over with and you're faced with the fact that you have so much time ahead of you in life, it's hard not to feel lost, bored, and almost hopeless. And the repetitiveness of work doesn't help either, and is not as varied as years of schooling.

I hate it. I hate that I feel like my friends are drifting away and that I too am growing apart from them (though we're on great terms still). I hate being at this stage in life feeling as if I don't know what others my age know and experience, how far behind I feel. And I'm afraid that I will live through more years simply stagnating and looping through the same procedure of the day, over and over.

Hobbies definitely help to escape. I'm trying to learn math and better my mathematical thinking, since I have never been particularly great at it. And of course I code. I also am trying to cultivate some internet friendships, maybe something that can carry over into meatspace.

I think that one has to develop or adopt a true purpose in order to escape this wasting cycle. I want to eventually start volunteering for a cause, and devote my effort to bettering the world.

You can be my friend if you'd like.