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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Help me fix this shit.

Kalyx ######

File: 1501736637920.png (84.23 KB, 500x281, lol.png)


I'm programmer and hacker (in the mit's definition way), have 3x years old and I have arrive a point where nothing have sense, when I live by inertia, whiout an objetive.

I consider myself rational, maybe to much, and year by year it seems to me that the human and the life itself are ephemeral. This affects my performance since my brain looks whitout motivation.

A lot of people thinks I have depression, but I do not fit in the pathology. I'ts likes as logical way where my actions and my existence has not sense and nothing cares me.

What next? What is the way to leave of this state?

Sorry my poor enlgish.


Don't try to leave it.

Even if nothing else makes sense, connects or is of any value, there is no denying that you feel whatever you are feeling. This state is the only truth.

Why would you leave it?

Embrace it because that is what you are. Then you are free to do what you want… if you want.


Explore that state and you'll eventually come out the other side. But don't just live in that state, actively explore it. Analyze which things make you feel which way and actually try to take your attitude towards life to its ultimate conclusion (become a shut-in, move countries, change jobs, whatever). Just don't stay still accepting it nor try to fight it. Embrace it and act accordingly. Let it shape your life.

I've been there and I can tell you you will come out the other side. I won't tell you what's on the other side because I would probably lessen your chances of making it.

Good luck.



You are rigth, I don't want to leave a truth state. Only get a balance to recover my efficiency

The problem is when, "who I am", are totally incompatible with the environment.


Maybe I concentrated on fix it before explore all possibilities that come with that. Now i understand, thanks you for the advice.

The range of possibilities never goes down from being infinite.

Thanks both, for truth responses.


If you haven't already; take a look at existential philosophy. What you're describing is what most philosophers would describe as a state of "existential nihilism". This is a real problem for many humans and dealing with it is met with various different answers. I personally find the most affinity in Max Stirner and Albert Camus in this area of thought.

My direct response to your overall question is that I'm getting the impression that you're present lifestyle is the source of this despair that's severe enough for you to not feel like taking any action anymore. Is it perhaps your particular job that drains you to this degree, or maybe even this need to keep a job at all? In the first case I'd say re-think what way you'd be the least uncomfortable in getting an income. Having personally had a very wide experience in types of labor, everything from manual to office work, I find that computer-related work is without a doubt the most mentally draining. I would not want to do computer-related work for an income (even though computers are among my main interests). I want to keep that for my own FOSS projects; not for building Big Data, repairing corporate digital infrastructures or constructing proprietary A.I. If it's the latter; you're tired of having to commodify yourself for an income in general, then that's a harder problem to solve, but is indeed sought to overcome by a number of individuals, through actions like squatting, community farming, general communization (which free software and peer-to-peer file sharing could be viewed as a digital representation of), living frugally and taking what you desire into your own control with an awareness of commodity fetishism and the relative peace of mind accompanied with a frugal but sustainable lifestyle; in contrast to that of a life of market servitude accompanied by relative material affluence. The result of affluence in a market-based economy is always at the cost of a more violent and unstable environment.


You should try thinking about this in a different way.
What your describing does fit the pathology. You only seem to be approaching the issue from one angle, always the same one, so you can only ever reach one conclusion. This is textbook depressive pathology right there.
"it all ends, so why care at all", this is a false approach really, because what is happening until it's over? The journey is more important than the end, cheesy as this sounds. If you were to genuinely only care about the final outcome, you'd go skip right to that point, if you catch what I am saying. As you have written this and and as you are struggling with the question still, this clearly is not the case.
Sit down and think, are you truly being honest with yourself, is this genuinely what you believe?


>I consider myself rational, maybe to much, and year by year it seems to me that the human and the life itself are ephemeral.

your not wrong, when you reach that stage where you throw away all beliefs because you reached conclusion that they are all a lie - life may seem absurd but it is only because you reached half way of that journey (but you think it is an end). For some it is doubt and finally search for truth that keeps us going, but what happens when doubt and that search deconstructs all beliefs you had, and search for truth ends up in conclusion there is no truth at all? Realizing there is no higher reality might seem depressing but it is the first step in building your own reality. I think there is some purpose in nihilism you have achieved - all things that you taken for granted and other people take for granted you can throw away - because you realized they were only outside influence controlling you, giving you some purpose in life which turned out to be a lie. But these things are not useless i.e. Christine religion aims in making you good person, Buddhists want to end suffering in life. They are all some sort of lies that aim in improving ones life. Buddha once said my philosophy is a raft, when you get over the river it is useless - thats why he is sometimes portrayed as great deceiver.

So what is next step in overcoming this nihilism you have achieved. It is quite simple, and answer is contained in art. What I mean by that when you watch a movie or look at some painting - you know it is a lie, you know that all people in movie are actors and that painting doesn't represent the real world but it is just poor imitation of real life but still it affects you. You can find some higher truth in it, truth that is more powerful then reality - so powerful that it transcends reality, what I mean reality compared to this painting or a movie seems meaningless in some strange way - truth is less powerful then this lie.

So this is the answer, construct some lie for yourself - of course you'll now it is a lie, but a lie that will help you overcome meaninglessness of life. Make sure that lie serves your goals well - make sure it empowers life you live. This lie wont be the same as you encountered it earlier in your life, because it wont be something extrinsic that was told to you to believe in and served for some outside interest - it will be your lie that is constructed to better you and your life.

But remember this is not an answer what I have wrote, path you want to chose is something that you'll have to figure out for yourself and it wont be easy. Overcoming your nature is easy but building your own will that can serve you well is hard and it might destroy your life and others life around you - so chose well my friend.

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