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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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So I was having some random ideas about situations where one person hurts another (it is an accident) and the other retaliates (accident goes out of control) so authorities step in and all sides lose. The side that lost most tangibly will harbor a deep resentment towards both the other side and the authorities, and more often than not decide that the world is a free for all death match, anyone who didn't help them until now were against them. This situation may sound extreme, but it happens all the time in some shape or form. Usually no party has the time, dedication and resources to fully understand what happened, and often (when people are scarred or die, or irreplaceable things get destroyed) there is no way to fix things. Most of justice is just concerned with determent-based prevention, and little is done to repair the past.

I grew up with good parents in a relatively peaceful country. We don't have guns and wars and other bullsoykaf, I never feared walking outside at night, I never had to be afraid of getting beaten or kidnapped. So even though there's always a chance for things to get irreversibly fucked up, for most of the time I felt safe.
What I realized about safety is that you can never create it yourself - someone or something that is neither you nor your puppet has to be looking out for you. This could be your family, the state and police, doctors, teachers, neighbors, generally benevolent people on the street and so on. Perhaps even some security system or machine, if its autonomous enough. It takes something big to secure even something small. You sleep, you may lose consciousness or get hurt, you may forget or get confused, you are not a reliable source and manager of your own safety. Still you strive for it and make choices that generally benefit it, avoiding acts that weaken it.

But then something changed. I'm not sure when, but I stopped honoring things that keep me safe. I don't make any effort to keep a social circle up, and those few close people who can provide some form of safety I treat badly, distancing them. I feel uninterested in making choices that benefit me, and I do reckless things that might affect me badly later. I think I realized how hopeless preparation for misfortune is and stopped. My health, studies, privacy, best practices slowly deteriorate over time and I let them. It makes sense to fight an enemy, but there is none here. You cannot name it or point at it, and the entire world by definition cannot be the enemy, so there's no reason fighting it. When you let it inside your head by understanding it, nothing can protect you from it anymore. You'll never feel safe again.


"yeah you would think that wouldn't you"


don't bear resentment, you don't have any time to waste.


you are your own enemy


That seems like the approach of someone who doesn't have time to think about their time. Nothing that would make your time so important that it can be wasted has any solid base in the world, it rests on some arbitrary choices and local assumptions.
It doesn't matter if you choose revenge or just move on, all the same really.

A person never is their own enemy. It's sometimes easier to change yourself than your entire surroundings, but it's still the surroundings that are wrong.


Standing still is letting yourself rot away. Either stop complaining and rot away or do something with your life.


actually… you know what, you're right.


how does schizophrenia feel like?


you're correct in saying that you shouldn't stand still for long, to make a decision, but the outcome of that decision has consequences in and of itself. I'm nothing special yet there's been times where decisive short sighted actions cost someone else dearly.

"We're nothing like God. Not only do we have limited powers, but sometimes we're driven to become the devil himself. What's your answer this time?" - Wolfwood

"The tragedy endlessly repeated in order to fulfill desires, the lust for conquest making people bend to your will, a thrill intense enough to make you shudder." - Vash

It may be wrong to say not to bear resentment as you dont have time. That's an argument taking limited time to be the most important factor. It's the most practical though

but we don't have unlimited time either. There is such a thing as being too late even though it is all arbitrary. The pain I've felt due to that wont go away.

Of course nothing matters but even knowing that you still feel pain.

" A face full of glass hurts like hell when you're in it, but it feels real."

I feel like i cant have others in my life, don't deserve to have that network of support if I somehow endanger others or cant provide as well. You wait out hoping for the right answer only to rush out of procrastination.

It's a catch-22


I also grew up in a relatively peaceful country yet have been around guns my entire life, know gun violence, have had a neighbor kidnapped as a child, and unfortunately took a few beatings as one as well. I've never felt safe even when I did care to honor those protective relationships as I always had to go home.

With that it's not that I disagree with you. A social network of people, people with their own identities is good. I've never seen them as a source of protection rather people I arrogantly wanted to or thought i could protect. I'd take a bullet for them, but I cant because im never there when the need arises. The feeling not to ruin other people's lives, the need to guard or hide you're own feelings, is why I personally cant honor those relationships correctly. It's a pattern where I make a decision to connect at the last minute when I inevitably need help or selfishly need that always comes across wrong as it is. It's a frustrating narcissistic cycle that i'm changing as you're right the whole world cant be the enemy. The work towards change is difficult though, as I'm difficult to deal with and it's difficult to deal with as well. Everything i do is wrong


i say all that really to say that you shouldn't stop trying to make those lasting connections even when it seems as though everything you do leads to another error. You still have to try and maybe you will get it right if you realize the root cause. The only way out or to feel safe again is to keep pressing for better connections despite constant failure. People have differing ways of doing that, but there's nothing else you can do when you genuinely value people. You get really torn up and dark inside if you don't or do without thinking of your well being or others. It's like ripping a bandaid off too quickly. At least i feel that way right now. It's more complicated than not for some people I think but that makes it worth while. I cant really put it into words, but I think that's what it means to "understand it" for me.


Obviously I'm putting my foot in my mouth. Obviously it's not story time. Obviously i'm in the exact situation you're talking about, but it'd be stupid to say that I don't deserve that. It's just all I can do. I'm not going to resent anybody else in this situation because it's justified not liking me.


Okay so some of you seem to think the first paragraph in >>2219 was also related to me. No. I was simply thinking about how real life drama can spiral out of control harder than those trying to prevent it can keep it at bay. You could say I was simply contemplating (without any personal involvement, from armchair philosophy distance) how a human cannot reliably control a system that contains him (unless he is lucky, which is not reliable).

The second paragraph follows from this idea: since a human cannot control a system he's in, he needs the system's help - in the form of family, friends, police, healthcare, and luck. This help has to be bigger than the 'safe area'. The whole system won't be safe, but it can make some part of it safe at the cost of other parts - which however will eventually fail and drag the whole thing down.

Here is where I come in the picture. Since any given system needs some other, bigger system to remain safe (unable to keep its own), we eventually run out of bigger systems, and so the chain of safety collapses when the biggest system fails. Aiming for safety is thus pointless as it is impossible to reliably attain. Since you always depend on circumstance and luck, attempting to ensure your safety anyway is like declaring war on the world - and since the world always wins, war means you lose. Once you understand that you can't guarantee your safety, you obviously don't feel and don't want to feel safe.

Some people try to escape this with detachment from values or some philosophical or religious mindset, but those systems aren't infinitely big either and at some point fail them. It's also relevant to /cyb/ as most such stories revolve around a lowlife who got lucky in their completely unsafe life taking down the safe megacorp/govt. Your usual libreboot/tor/noscript arisu is fighting an uphill battle they'll lose eventually.


personally i dont care nor every would care about fighting megacorp/govt I will work for them in due time.

I don't have a fear of lack of safety it's just interesting or nerve wracking not knowing what's going on sometimes. Really makes you a little nervous not knowing what people want with zero context to the reason as to why they want it.

you get help from the system by providing to the system as well. I didn't necessarily think you were feeling resentful and there is a laundry list of people I want to protect.

I want a nexus of skill-sets and a reason to live so I searched for meaning and found them. They've got nothing to do with this board.

don't assume anyone on this board is like that without asking. It's not really all that active if you notice. It's an archive either way


here i didn't really answer the question just generally tired and it got too personal really.

I think we come from two diametrically opposed viewpoints of society. Where I would view "circumstance and luck" as being the set of choices an individual takes to come to a given point of a generally good outcome while also having luck, you may view them as entirely based on your given point in society that lies outside of yourself as an individual. That's why it's confusing. To me one may improve circumstances or worsen circumstances. They can find themselves birthed in horrible circumstance or not. Circumstance is a state of being in society or just existence.

So that follows i guess in saying that depending on circumstances and luck to me is depending on a set of iterated actions that come to a a state of wherever you find yourself. I don't think that necessarily means ensuring your safety but rather again coming to an optimal state of being, I suppose (not tryna get all smartnsoykaf or whatever that's just the way i type when i'm trying to come to an a conclusion) I guess what that means to me is that ensuring safety isn't declaring war on the world, it's the opposite.

I guess question would be why is depending on circumstance and luck necessarily mean that safety is impossible to reliably maintain? How is that declaring war on the world?

I get that safety comes form community but it really comes from the social contract we all form to act in a way that ensures we can all continue contributing to one another's safety.

yeah that doesnt always happen but that's what you hope for. That's how we've gotten to this point so far.

I mean it's ensuring your own safety within the world partially that motivates human beings to take risk to develop products that wouldn't otherwise exist. The united states for instance would be an example of a entrepreneurial capitalistic culture with high risk high reward that ensures and endangers safety freely or without as much of a safety net. That means people fail a lot but also there exist a more extreme upside in success. These are created circumstances by individuals. Sure it may be said to be dangerous but let's take your argument of the safety of government. It's feasible to say that the safety of government is entirely dependent upon the conducive actions of those that fall underneath it. You're right it could fail, but it also needs help to be maintained. I guess the more practical outlook on that would be maintaining an advantage in superiority to other nations militarily or technologically.

This follows from what I typed before. Since it's better or feels better to live a good life you just set yourself actions that would help you do that. One of those actions is taking responsibility even when it's not in your best interest. That's just me though.

More generally it's building a skillset or providing something to other people or you know love or something like caring for other individuals. All of these things provide safety to and for others but may also come from you. >>2251


what i'm saying that you both provide and get safety it's not one sided. To me you seem to be arguing in direction of chaos just because safety might have some of chance of not existing some day.

also to note it's important to have a philosophical reasoning behind general actions that a majority of people agree upon. this is done so that you know what's gonna happen to some extent when you interact with another individual. Why? probably in hopes or encouragement of acting more with other individuals. This continues the existence of society. If nothing makes sense then that's not going to happen. Or in other words if the culture of some segment of society starts to deviate from the majority of society you're going to get stratification just naturally and that causes contention which may lead to stagnation but hopefully ultimately change.

Here it's not about being safe, but more avoiding the "what the hell" ,moments in society, like Donald Trump became president. You cant believe it can you. Nobody can and it's been two years since that happened.

To boil this down to a crass but succinct way of putting things. an epigram if you will. Be the perpetrator. Be the perpatrator regardless of sex race ethnicity iq sexual orientation in a way that wont infringe upon the safety of others and ensure your own. Everyone can be categorized as needing safety but everyone also should give that safety irregardless. That's a generalization but it's like i agree with where you're coming from just half of it.

With that im going to go rob a bank with this old pistol I found, a mac truck, and this dirtbike that im really good at riding.

I'm going to do so to provide for my family who's safety is ensured by society. I'm infringing upon the safety of society but that $20,000 score will further give to their safety. High risk high reward. It's okay for women to do this too, actually there are a number that can pull this off better than i can.

Signed Luke Glanton

Not really, what I am doing is getting into programming but the thing is is that even so you can say the same thing of a actuary or investment quant. They perform actions that, if they go wrong, could result in largely damaging circumstances. Rising unemployment cases thousands of deahts. That's a stretch but just apply that to the finance industry in general not quants. Where they differ is in their creation of something or provision of a service.

sorry in advance just had to get that out of my system.

TLDR: yeah but you gotta give to get, g. you know.. i don't know sorry about the misspellings. Everything is actions individual between people into a collective not a presupposed collective to begin with. This ensures safety implicitly. Who fighting is fighting a battle against megacorp here? who is megacorp/govt here? People just want anonymity. To most people on this board it's about attacking megacorp but staying out of it's way in some way.


sorry not about attacking megacorp


yes you can reliable control a system that contains you.

"Yes We Can" - Barack Obama campaign slogan 2008 i



alright, back to work


stop making personal generalizations about people then saying you're not personally involved or doing things from a point of armchair philosophy. You just told me about your childhood and called people here pointless low lifes. You may know me and in my case that's highly arguable but your preconceived outlook on the mode of thought that i or other people here hold is highly prejudiced. You should check your privilege and understand why before you defame in such a way. I've made that mistake before it made me suicidal.


trying to be safe creates a dichotomy. some things meet the criteria of what you define safe, and the rest doesn't meet it. once this dichotomy exists, you try to keep the entire world on the side of the dichotomy that you deem safe. the world refuses to be dichotomized in any way. if you try to uphold your dichotomy hard, the world will crush it along with you, and thus you have/had no safety. if you don't try to keep the dichotomy, it will fail and you'll have no safety.

it's a simple concept and shame on you if you try to ride the allegory after this post.

i won't/didn't read the rest cause you smell of hikki schizo and that annoys me for some reason


who came up with the dichotomy to begin with? The op. I don't agree with trying to be safe all the time. I basically just stated it's more complicated than that.
You're ego tripping.
i'm disappointed


more complicated than that
it's more complicated
complications exist



looks like you don't have the IQ to understand simple posts but can soykaf long word salads anyway. your disappointment is well rooted in yourself. i would consider moving back to one of the more suitable imageboards where people like you hang out, like uboa or systemspace


no i'm saying I understand but disagree
could you please give a counter argument rather than make character attacks?

that dichotomy doesn't exist in society
it's more complicated
i thought we just agreed for a second there.
The world crushes your dichotomy


what did i even do lol damn


hard not to attack your character when that's the only thing comprehensible in the word salad tho.


you know what i just realized?
you're right
it's pointless to argue


Can we stop with the imageboard elitism for one second and have some respect for our fellow Alices? Telling someone to fuck off to $(board_name) does nothing but show how much your status on an anonymous imageboard means to you.

If he screwed up and made a newfag mistake, so be it. Let him learn the culture through trial-and-error, because lurking indefinitely does nothing past a certain point.


who would be dumb enough to give me their address after all of that?


It's actually just been team 10 this entire time?


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Okay let's do that. One second. Done.
Now how do we expect our poor Alice of many posts without quotes or coherence to learn by trial and error if nobody ever throws an error message at him?

As for my status here, I'm not using a name or trip. The only thing I have that is remotely similar to a status is that I've been around since lainchan+2months and still haven't fallen for any of the following memes:
- left or right (lots of people)
- gnu libreboot tor or you are the enemy (lots of people)
- be nice at all costs, love lain love alice (/feels/ especially)
- talk like a corporate spokesperson with 100% transparency, preferably in a formal markup language (appleman and seph)
I just tell people what's up without trying to fit any of these projected self-images. One side effect is that I don't fit any of these projected self-images and those who try to hate it. Luckily for me all mods have seen GITS and know what Major said about "breeding in".


thank you, I can understand this. Now I can fix the problem.

sorry, going through a really hard time
didn't mean to freak you out or make anyone feel uncomfortable


i cant argue with that


You didn't freak anyone out, you're just being annoying. Here's some tips.

1. If your reply is about feelings or yourself, don't post. This rule is especially crafted for you.
2. If your reply is a single line, don't post it.
3. If you already replied to a post, don't reply again. Wait for the person to react, or don't say anything at all.
4. Don't apologize, thank stuff, and do other pointless social interaction.
5. Don't reply to this.
6. You can quote stuff like this:
>6. You can quote stuff like this:
It's especially useful when you're writing a long reply to a long post so people know which part you're talking about.


Are all those all-lowercase names without spaces you? Can you please leave and stop posting?


being gang stalked. had to test whether or not using this board. sorry. it's been a long year


you're right though, I do want to stop coming back. just bull-headed



Someone who isn’t some newfag’s sockpuppet. I don’t have to have a personal stake in the argument to hate the self-important, IQ-spouting elitism that plagues obscure chans. If you think coming to Arisuchan somehow makes you more intelligent than users of Uboa or Systemspace, you’re deluded.

I read your hypothetical, and I’ll give you that one. soykafting on newcomers does make them learn faster, ignoring the fact that it is more likely to make them leave instead of learning the board culture.

The anime-worshipping behavior you mentioned isn’t a meme, it’s an expression of the board’s values personified by Lain. The same can be said about glorifying cybersecurity, it’s an exaggeration of our values.


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>If you think coming to Arisuchan somehow makes you more intelligent than users of Uboa or Systemspace, you’re deluded.
It's the other way around. I'm intelligent in the first place and that makes me come to arisu where I sometimes find intelligent and thus interesting posts while find little braindead brewing soykaf. Meanwhile systemspace if full of said low effort brewing soykaf which physically hurts me, so I avoid it. It's the same pain as playing certain board games with my godfathers' 8yo son - he thoroughly enjoys them while I wanna claw my eyes out. At my age throwing dice and following simple instructions is predictable and absolutely boring. So to clearly state my point arisuchan doesn't make anyone or anything elite, instead intelligent, quality or informative posts and the people who write them make arisuchan cool. The low ratio of braindead bullsoykaf makes it even cooler.

I had the opportunity to encounter all kinds of (supposedly diagnosed) schizophrenic and other mentally ill <or whatever is politically correct here> people on systemspace, and our lowercasenospace friend here feels and sounds just like one of them. He may or may not be so, but it seems to me his style and patterns fit uboa or systemspace better than it does arisu
>ignoring the fact that it is more likely to make them leave instead of learning the board culture.
I'm more concerned with keeping users who might go away seeing his 3-5 post bursts of somewhat confused posts than him going away. In general I'm also more concerned with board quality than speed.

>The anime-worshipping behavior you mentioned isn’t a meme, it’s an expression of the board’s values personified by Lain. The same can be said about glorifying cybersecurity, it’s an exaggeration of our values.

Which is pretty cool right until the point where some people begin to confuse the mascot/expression with the values, and the values become secondary.


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I do feel the same way, there's something that ruins communities when you let in too much people, for some reason obscure websites don't follow a normal distribution of interesting people, it's more like people there fall either into two extremes, the intelligent and interesting ones and the people which are well sometimes a bit under the normal people. Normal as in these people you'd usually encounter on websites like Reddit. These are the worst and are even worse than either of those extremes usually encountered on chans.

I really wish there would be a place which is more active and which doesn't have so many people who just post the standard nonsense, like memes and stuff. Truly interesting people that have their own ideas about the world and do want to discuss them, people who like to discuss feelings not in the "TFW no GF" way, but in a more hopeful and in-depth way….

I usually don't post here because I'm not that interested in talking with most people in general and prefer 1-to-1 conversations.

I think it's also something that most people can't have in real life, usually the people in real life also fall in the "boring people" category who just follow some kind predictable pattern, not all but quite many, which makes it hard to find people you can do more than just give standard answers to standard questions in a somewhat pre-defined conversations.

> I don’t have to have a personal stake in the argument to hate the self-important, IQ-spouting elitism that plagues obscure chans.
There's a very real effect on when a website becomes more popular and let's all kind of soykaf in they turn to soykaf usually sooner or later, people are to a certain extent aware of this fact and usually try to do something against it, usually they're themselves pretty annoying (in some form). If discussions are usually high-quality then nobody would write something like that.


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>It's the other way around. I'm intelligent in the first place and that makes me come to arisu where I sometimes find intelligent and thus interesting posts while find little braindead brewing soykaf.

I know that many of the members of this board are intelligent, but it comes across as egotistical to insult someone's IQ and tell them to go to somewhere less elite. Even if you may be intelligent (which is evident, based on your post quality), there's a level of diplomacy necessary when dealing with those that don't belong on a board this small, at least in my opinion.

>I'm more concerned with keeping users who might go away seeing his 3-5 post bursts of somewhat confused posts than him going away. In general I'm also more concerned with board quality than speed.

That's a fair point, there's nothing I can say about that.


>[…] it's more like people there fall either into two extremes, the intelligent and interesting ones and the people which are well sometimes a bit under the normal people.

I've noticed this as well on other sites. I suspect some of that is caused by people who are trying to find the most obscure boards they can and never spending much time on any one board as a result.

>Truly interesting people that have their own ideas about the world and do want to discuss them, people who like to discuss feelings not in the "TFW no GF" way, but in a more hopeful and in-depth way….

The nature of places like this is what drove me into the arms of Lain in the first place. This is one of the rare havens I know of where interesting people come to gather to have worthwhile discussions.

I'm sorry if I've been a bit harsh.

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