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/feels/ - personal experiences

share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

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Kalyx ######

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For the past 3 years I have gone out to socialize 2 or 3 days at maximum. I used to have a girlfriend, some friends that I used to see time to time, but now it feels like a different life. I don't have any social media accounts tied to my legal identity (I don't even upload profile pictures to messaging applications). I am not complaining because I chose this, my life goals require me to control/numb my social drives and focus solely on improving my skills. I have been trying to cope with major symptoms (depression, being prone to addiction) through meditation/mindfulness exercises. Loneliness also made me more perceptive, I am better able to analyze situations almost like a computer, but it also made me more self-centered, less sensitive to others' feelings, like my brain's neuroplasticity starts to adapt being lonely and surviving on my own. But I am afraid, what if I lose my mind and start doing retarded soykaf? What I am doing is already retarded soykaf in a sense but what I mean is I don't want to cross over to the la la land, like drawing pictures on the wall and soykaf.

What about you Lain? When was your most loneliest time? How did you cope? What were the effects?


I am at my most loneliest right now.
I just got out of a terrible relationship that started out great. Now I'm left with nothing but my ex's criticisms which keeps replaying in my head and had put me down for some days. I also haven't had friends for about half a decade. Before I quit my work, I used to drink at the pub which was conveniently placed just beside the office. I'd talk to the bartender and sometimes I'd talk to some patrons who I don't personally know and it'd be my 'socializing' for the week outside of work.

Some years ago, I came up with the notion that I was actually a horrible person due to all the mistakes and misdeeds I've done. So now I'm even more reclusive and have been unable to forgive myself over some of those things. And since my ex has left me, like I said earlier, I'm not only left with that ex's criticisms, I'm also left with my own criticisms of myself, as well as the doubts of approaching an age where everyone has families.

Being lonely for so long has its pros and cons. On one hand, I get to enjoy more time to myself and I really love the serene feeling of being alone. It's quite peaceful and lovely. On the other hand, I'm missing out on a lot of social events that I feel like I should be at least familiar with and have attended at least once: marriages, births, all those other social gatherings.

Having said that, obviously there's nothing else to do but pick up the pieces and start again. I've learned a few coping strategies that I'm now trying to adapt so I could live a little better this time. One of those is to keep busy, which I've done via programming again and watching movies (recently Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre and Nostalghia) as well as exercising. An anon told me that I have to start being compassionate to myself so as to forgive and accept myself which I'm really trying hard to do. Hopefully, doing both will raise my self-confidence again, and I'd be able to face the world again.


>An anon told me that I have to start being compassionate to myself so as to forgive and accept myself which I'm really trying hard to do.
Yeah, that's also what I understood from your writing. It seems like you are punishing yourself in a way, maybe subconciously you are thinking that you are not worthy of all those good things. Mindfulness is a great remedy but I also suggest seeking therapy to find past trauma points in case they exist and you are not completely aware of them. Because there is a big difference between voluntary and involuntary solitude. Hope things work out for you.


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>what if I lose my mind and start doing retarded soykaf
you probably won't if you keep your mind in move and use your intelligence, but I sometimes talk to myself when I'm alone.

What I'm trying to do is to obtain my own personality. I'm trying to disconnect from everything, live as natural life as possible and only get information which seems practical to me, good books and educational videos. I think if I'll work out my own personality and clear line of conduct it will be easy just to stick to my own ideals and keep moving, so insanity is no more fear to me.

I never had real friends since my childhood, so for 12 years I had Internet friends. In the last few years I came to realization of how much empty and senseless it is. I dropped them all. If a person really matters to you, it brings nothing more than suffering - it's like you look at a person through a thick glass. You can smile to each other and wave a hand, but in every other aspect you're helpless; you're not even sure if a person is really smiling in reply most of the time. If you meet in the real life it can be even greater disappointment.
So that's how it is. We have what we have, all what remains is to keep moving.

>How did you cope?

You cope with your own reasons and thoughts. It's hard for me to formulate them even for myself no matter how much I'm thinking, not that I could make it plain for another person. For me, most of the other people advice were useless. Such advice is either clearly rubbish people say to disclaim responsibility but never stick to it themselves, or it does not have a history behind it and its development is unknown. Every reasonable thought has to have premises to work, this is why facebook images with short quotes are laughable on the Internet and this is where books have their biggest value.

We all have a burden of our misdeeds and mistakes. A horrible person never feels the guilt.

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