I am at my most loneliest right now.
I just got out of a terrible relationship that started out great. Now I'm left with nothing but my ex's criticisms which keeps replaying in my head and had put me down for some days. I also haven't had friends for about half a decade. Before I quit my work, I used to drink at the pub which was conveniently placed just beside the office. I'd talk to the bartender and sometimes I'd talk to some patrons who I don't personally know and it'd be my 'socializing' for the week outside of work.
Some years ago, I came up with the notion that I was actually a horrible person due to all the mistakes and misdeeds I've done. So now I'm even more reclusive and have been unable to forgive myself over some of those things. And since my ex has left me, like I said earlier, I'm not only left with that ex's criticisms, I'm also left with my own criticisms of myself, as well as the doubts of approaching an age where everyone has families.
Being lonely for so long has its pros and cons. On one hand, I get to enjoy more time to myself and I really love the serene feeling of being alone. It's quite peaceful and lovely. On the other hand, I'm missing out on a lot of social events that I feel like I should be at least familiar with and have attended at least once: marriages, births, all those other social gatherings.
Having said that, obviously there's nothing else to do but pick up the pieces and start again. I've learned a few coping strategies that I'm now trying to adapt so I could live a little better this time. One of those is to keep busy, which I've done via programming again and watching movies (recently Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre and Nostalghia) as well as exercising. An anon told me that I have to start being compassionate to myself so as to forgive and accept myself which I'm really trying hard to do. Hopefully, doing both will raise my self-confidence again, and I'd be able to face the world again.