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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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So I will be 30 soon. Alongside the fact I feel nostalgia for the world of my high school years, I feel like I don't know what I am becoming.
I more or less became the 16 years old I wanted to become in terms of knowledge and experience but it doesn't have much value for who I seem to be on the outside. I just want to soykafpost and have fun with friends while every year will be "the one" in terms of good resolutions. I'm not opposed to aging by itself but I don't really know what's expected of me.
Unfortunately my environment is changing in ways that can't be prevented. Friends marry and embrace the wageslave corporate mindset instead of just working for free time money. Family gets older and obsessed by death. I can't live the stressless life of a high-schooler or be an edgy 22 retard once again. I feel like being 30 should be about being 20 + bonus but it seems like you must get resigned as years go on.
Where am I going? Asking older Alice about how they lived that milestone.


do your pushups


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nobody gives a soykaf about old people or old people probables, and getting older is just getting stupider and weaker. try to prolong what youth you still have exercise, eat healthy, try to expose your self to lots of new experiences and environments, try to be creative.


you're at your peak still til 40, do the things u want to get done in your life


It's coming for you too friendo. 30 ain't far from anybody. It won't be long.

OP, I have no damn idea but if you figure it out you better tell us


oh i know it is, I already felt incredibly old by the time i turned 18.


Lmao kids are funny.

Youth isn't wasted on the young, y'all are doing just what you should with it. Please enjoy it as much as you can.


I didn't enjoy a single moment of my youth.


Parenting has changed since we were young though. Kids aren't allowed outside on their own until much older and by the time they are teens, many haven't developed a healthy interest in exploring or getting into trouble. I used to wonder how future generations would shock and offend after the excesses of previous subcultures became tired clliches… instead this new crop is disappointing me by being so boring.


hear, hear.


Maybe the best way to "rebel" against one's parents is to give them precisely what they think they want from you.

I'm not sure that I understand the problem. In terms of mortality, the sword has been hanging over you all along; little has changed in that regard. In terms of "milestones," 30 trips around the sun seems to me to be an utterly arbitrary way to measure one's life/progress. If that's going to bother you this much, maybe you should ditch the calendar and throw cake parties whenever you feel like it. In terms of identity and purpose, it sounds like you are just having a bad reaction to open-endedness.
>I'm not opposed to aging by itself but I don't really know what's expected of me.
This seems to me to represent an utter non sequitur. Are you afraid of not conforming to the expectations of other people? Are you someone who has always played age-appropriate roles and now can't find a script to follow?

Tell us more about what you're talking about, please.


I hope you find happiness and peace of mind, when you do I bet you won't give a toss about age


I’m about to turn 21 tomorrow but already feel like a boomer, or like my life is almost over. Probably because of the life changing diagnosis I just received. I was already in a pit of depression and anxiety, and now somehow I realize the pit is bottomless. Where do I go from here? At least I found comfort in the fact that I know I can die soon if I want to. Still trying to decide if I do or don’t.


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Ever since I was like 8-10 there have been people who fascinated me. They dreamed up a grand plan from thin air and then kept executing it for decades, or knew what was up so well that their improvisation seemed like planning with foresight. These were people who have put stuff down on the table and didn't break their backs doing so, and they weren't scams either. Their behavior influenced me, and a very strong notion formed: I should find out what I truly want and only then commit myself to it seriously, lest I end up like all those other inefficient sheep people. Why end up smoking when you can be fine without, why drop out of school and then regret it later, why trust someone blindly and be fucked over?

So I started to consider what I truly wanted, in a more "correct answer" objective than "each to their own" subjective manner. As part of this little mission, as early as 10 I found myself feeling somewhat alienated from, and perhaps even above my classmates. I was quick to doubt myself as I feared being arrogant or wrong, but at the end of the day it felt like I'm onto something, perhaps even executing a plan while they just mindlessly live some happy childhood thing. Sure enough the question that millennia of philosophy couldn't really crack before, neither could I. My school performance was good, but I mostly skipped the early teen social life (this was before smartphones, and I only recently gained internet access at home). I started to come up with stuff that I later found to be the core idea of this philosophy or that religion, while also incorporating things I found online; branding all of it with some symbolic character or aesthetic.

Eventually I ran into nihilism, which didn't seem like a thing you can evaluate from some comfortable armchair outside, so I dived in. My school performance went from good to "we're not gonna expel you because we are truly utterly clueless about what is going". When not skipping, I stopped to interact with the class or teacher in any way, just reading unrelated books and pretending it was a library. If anyone tried to reason with me to do otherwise, I would just explain to them why some premise or value they based it on was void, and thus the entire reasoning irrelevant. I eventually stopped going altogether and was sent to see a psychiatrist (lmao why not) who managed to make me feel so utter desperately fucking bored with the wrong drugs that I basically begged my way back to school for the stimulus of bus rides and a person constantly talking. Having acquired a good grasp on nihilism, I moved on to other stuff that encompassed it.

Fast forward 10 years, I still haven't really found something that I can permanently commit to. Anytime I try, I eventually happen upon moments of ultra-turbo fuarrking insight where I get a glimpse how grand and glorious something else is, even though I just made a commitment to something that implies abstinence from this magnificent thing. I've experienced various things just enough to know how great they can be, but not enough for them to consume me like they do others who commit to them for life. Figuring out what I truly want before getting serious turned out to be really inefficient in my case. Values and meta-views seem to be in an unending cosmic game of rock paper scissors. I have heard and read thousands of stories about someone figuring it out, but it's always just an enactment of "I grew tired and quit rock paper scissors without an answer, now I feel less tired", with some rambling about the last half-results and calculations they had while still pondering. A comfortable high score that shows how far you got from ignorance before settling down into it and named wisdom as it kept you alive for so and so long.

Life is hungry and hunger is alive - you may satiate one with food and the other with stories and values, but whatever you feed them they'll digest and then return. Unlike simple organisms, humans also have a thirst for novel patterns called boredom - and once they learn a pattern, it ceases to be food for thought and emotion until they forget. In a world where I can throw patterns at you like I am right now, famines of boredom are only natural. OP seems to have trouble with letting go of some older patterns that his boredom already digested; I suppose he needs something entirely different now, until he turns N and all his life and hunger and boredom ends.


Look up impressive hacks hackers have done and realise that's your dream for how you want to spend your life.

Be a great hacker.

This post is sign from the eternal, do it.


You dont want to die yet, you want to become a great hacker.


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Hacker your anus. Choose death Mariette.


From 30 to 40 you are supposed to start making some serious money, gain a name and to bear a child or more.
Ofc you must have had spend your 20s gaining skills and learning how to work in hierachies and with peoples social nets.

Its all so tiresome.
Excentric life plans like becoming an artist, terrorist, offgrid potatofarmer, religious zealout or urban hobo are only for a few people with a streak of insanity or the will to burn through shallow comforts.



Everytime I have ever felt suicidal in an actual sense, like I'm really going to do it. I just start realizing that I can do whatever I want and not really fear the consequences.

Then I go out and literally do that thing, and it usually changes my life so much for the better to do what I actually want for a change that I forget all about the suicidal thoughts/feelings. Just do what it is you want to do, but are unable to.


This man knows what he's talking about.


Really I'll say this again for anybody who is listening, you dont die the day all your organs shut down, you've been dying, every single day, since the day you where born. Most young people dont relise it but we're surrounded by automatons, as people age they fall into a set of behaviors and in an ever tightening loop just repeat them until death.



Isn't this kind of the fundamental mental condition though? Everyday since the day I was born my neurons were accumulating entropy and my surroundings were a etching needle carving who I was as a person. The more my mind was carved, the more the directions moved, eventually finding direction and path.

I am the accumulation of my experiences and those thoughts cemented to a great extent yes. I don't disagree but at a certain point my mind becomes an extremely complex filtering function. I map what my inputs are vs my neural net. You do also, creating the interconnection between the functions that amasses into the greater cognitive program we all live in. We are a set of functions. Some are built with older experiences in mind that become less relevant or useful with time. The less the functions are called, the more they atrophy. Eventually the program evolves and every function is commented out or replaced with a rewritten version.

Just because you are only a filtering function in a larger system, doesn't mean you don't have value.



You hunger for the glory and gratification, and all other rewards of the outcome of a completed endeavour, and its fruits. However, you have never truly completed any endeavor, and you don't know what said fruits are actually like. More cruicially, you don't 'know' to keep on going and going, and working, and working, until you have completed an endeavor. My only advice to you is to just keep trying once you start, and make sure you don't stop to look at anything else until you are truly 'done' with what you started. Start small, and learn the art of completing things.


Oh you have value, yes. But at the point that you no longer have the will to change, or even the desire, or even capacity to consider changing, When you've lost all free will and are nothing more than a robot caring out the orders its once living younger self ordained, at that point your dead, and at the gradual points leading up you've been a quarter dead, a third dead, half dead, etc. I think we can prolong our youth/life though by purposefully seeking out new experiences, breaking the mold of how we ussualy do things, changing our beliefs, breaking the rules we set for ourselves, adopting new roles to expose ourselves to new perspectives, always learning and creating new things. Ultimately we're all worn down eventually, but if your able to recognize the problem well you still can, you can counteract it for awhile.


Oh also I like your agnology that compares humans to fuctions, maybe it's just a delusion but I like to think we're more than that when where younger.

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