/feels/ - personal experiences

Here I am again. Staring at my ceiling in the cold night. Drowning my sorrows in escapism to make it easier to cope with the emptiness. Nights like this are the hardest. When the day was consumed with being around people I hate, working on things that dont matter, only to come home to my only safe haven and feel the loneliness eat away at me. Thoughts run through my head. Either thoughts of my present reality soykaf hole that weigh down on me or thoughts like how I love being alone and prefer it but I want to be held. I want to open up again but I hate getting hurt every time. Thinking about how I got here and why. Throwing everything I am and feel into question in what feels like a thick grey fog in my mind. What would I even call the root cause of this? I think one of the "triggers" for it would be having to see my ex move on after all the bullsoykaf she did to me, who I physically cant avoid due to school/work, and hearing her go on about this douche and see them together as they are dating now. Of course, this didn't start the feelings I have now. I have felt these ever since late elementary when life went downhill in terms of social life. This event just reminded me of it. Not a broken heart because I dont want her back because of how soykafty of a person she was and how bad she was for me, though ironically it would be easier if I did, at least then I would have a clear desire and want that is easily understood. This is just an emptiness that I have know all too well and I felt even when we were together, but it was easy to forget how I felt because I thought I had someone else to live for. A loneliness that only grows when I am around others and a wound that hurts even more when around certain individuals in particular. I believe its understanding I desire to an extent but as for the rest I am unsure. I just feel numb again. You know the feeling of a limb that has fallen asleep? I have that but for the entirety of my body and mind when I leave my room. A groggy, apathetic feeling washes over me when ever Im around my peers and coworkers. They all seem so happy, and I hear them talk about their social lives and all the sex,drugs,friends,drama ect in their lives without giving a damn how they are failing their classes, are horrible at their job and are on a fast track to becoming mediocre trash, but I digress. I both envy how they can enjoy this time in their lives but also pity how they buy into their own stupid bullsoykaf. I cant relate or connect to anyone here. I want to make real friends but I have zero interest in the people around me, those who I have reached out to ended up toxic or hurting me or both. I feel so alone and isolated from the people around me. Like there is a great divide between me and everyone else who are normal social people on the same wavelength. All I can do is look on as I sit alone on my lunch break and in classes and such.Then I have to put on a mask and say "Im fine" when ever asked and play along like I belong and am happy. I have a loving mother but its so hard to talk to her, I cant bring myself to burden her with all the soykaf she has to go through just to provide for me alone. I dread leaving my room as Its the only place I feel like I can be me.Its becoming increasingly harder to keep the persona up that gives the illusion that Im ok. As angsty as it sounds, I just want to escape this void of a small town. I want to rise above all the people here and from my past who hurt me,treated my like soykaf and refused to acknowledge me. I want to run away. My entire school life has been like this and the only thing I look forward and get genuinely excited about is the future that I can make myself who I want to be, have what I want and go where I want to go freely. That hope and vision I have for myself is the only thing keeping me sane and going through this soykaf.