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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Help me fix this shit.

Kalyx ######

File: 1519879945052.gif (775.32 KB, 400x268, tenor.gif)


Here I am again. Staring at my ceiling in the cold night. Drowning my sorrows in escapism to make it easier to cope with the emptiness. Nights like this are the hardest. When the day was consumed with being around people I hate, working on things that dont matter, only to come home to my only safe haven and feel the loneliness eat away at me. Thoughts run through my head. Either thoughts of my present reality soykaf hole that weigh down on me or thoughts like how I love being alone and prefer it but I want to be held. I want to open up again but I hate getting hurt every time. Thinking about how I got here and why. Throwing everything I am and feel into question in what feels like a thick grey fog in my mind. What would I even call the root cause of this? I think one of the "triggers" for it would be having to see my ex move on after all the bullsoykaf she did to me, who I physically cant avoid due to school/work, and hearing her go on about this douche and see them together as they are dating now. Of course, this didn't start the feelings I have now. I have felt these ever since late elementary when life went downhill in terms of social life. This event just reminded me of it. Not a broken heart because I dont want her back because of how soykafty of a person she was and how bad she was for me, though ironically it would be easier if I did, at least then I would have a clear desire and want that is easily understood. This is just an emptiness that I have know all too well and I felt even when we were together, but it was easy to forget how I felt because I thought I had someone else to live for. A loneliness that only grows when I am around others and a wound that hurts even more when around certain individuals in particular. I believe its understanding I desire to an extent but as for the rest I am unsure. I just feel numb again. You know the feeling of a limb that has fallen asleep? I have that but for the entirety of my body and mind when I leave my room. A groggy, apathetic feeling washes over me when ever Im around my peers and coworkers. They all seem so happy, and I hear them talk about their social lives and all the sex,drugs,friends,drama ect in their lives without giving a damn how they are failing their classes, are horrible at their job and are on a fast track to becoming mediocre trash, but I digress. I both envy how they can enjoy this time in their lives but also pity how they buy into their own stupid bullsoykaf. I cant relate or connect to anyone here. I want to make real friends but I have zero interest in the people around me, those who I have reached out to ended up toxic or hurting me or both. I feel so alone and isolated from the people around me. Like there is a great divide between me and everyone else who are normal social people on the same wavelength. All I can do is look on as I sit alone on my lunch break and in classes and such.Then I have to put on a mask and say "Im fine" when ever asked and play along like I belong and am happy. I have a loving mother but its so hard to talk to her, I cant bring myself to burden her with all the soykaf she has to go through just to provide for me alone. I dread leaving my room as Its the only place I feel like I can be me.Its becoming increasingly harder to keep the persona up that gives the illusion that Im ok. As angsty as it sounds, I just want to escape this void of a small town. I want to rise above all the people here and from my past who hurt me,treated my like soykaf and refused to acknowledge me. I want to run away. My entire school life has been like this and the only thing I look forward and get genuinely excited about is the future that I can make myself who I want to be, have what I want and go where I want to go freely. That hope and vision I have for myself is the only thing keeping me sane and going through this soykaf.


Don't worry Alice, if you keep working towards your goals and achieve them, all of the negative aspects of your life will become a distant memory. I hope you're doing well now.


I can relate to that, similar things are happening to me right now. At first, all connections with "friends" seemed fake, all they can talk is anime and video-games, but I have different interests, there was a constant feeling of not being understood. But at least they were nice.
Things happened and I started getting disappointed, so little by little I close myself. But today I realized the hole is deeper than I thought, for some reason I became the last option from when they have no one to talk to, they don't give a soykaf anymore about me. In group, they ignore me, if I ask a favor, they won't do it.

I've no problem with being alone, what irritates me the most is the feeling of betrayal and if I don't react against them I feel weak, I don't like that, but I have no real pretext to react or a way of revenge. Revenge sounds childish, but I need a way to make sure I am so fucking submissive. A good punch in someone's nose would make me feel great, but I've no pretext, also, I am not so strong.

I found out about a new restaurant near my school, I am going there now, so to avoid them, also, the food is better.


File: 1529812014784.png (395.1 KB, 1024x549, dtb.png)

While it's not the exact same, I feel like I can no longer develop a bond with anyone. I have two close friends and they're fine, we will probably continue being close for as long as life lets us despite not interacting with each other as often now.

On the other hand, i've been dealing with stronger bouts of loneliness, quite frankly I can't seem to develop relationships anymore. I'd say part of the issue is that i'm afraid of having an opinion while at the same time being a bad conversationalist.

Naturally, it's easier to connect with people 'IRL' (I hate that term, are friends online not friends in my real life?) but my distaste for alcohol has kept me away from building on my friendships throughout university, I'm about to graduate with zero close friends. I have taken up a new hobby to take care of my physical health, luckily they are quite open but I fear there will always be a barrier of intimacy.

I have also toyed with the idea of completing killing my presence in online chat rooms and focusing on other hobbies, but I'm afraid I will fall deeper into isolation, and I genuinely do enjoy the time spent with them even if they don't see it the same way I do.

Even though i'm part of a few group chats online, I rarely PM anyone for extended periods, so really the only way i'm bonding is via humour or surface level conversations. Any attempt at talking with anybody on a serious level feels like i'm being too pushy or they simply don't want to engage, mind you these are with people I've known for years now. I do get the very small and limited hints of intimacy, admittedly I do cherish them, but it feels like I never reach that point with them again.

I used to be completely fine with the isolation (was I lying to myself?) and I was able to 'keep working on me' but I don't feel comfortable with it anymore.


What you are describing there is basically my entire life. I think a lot of people feel like this if that helps. I used to have a small group of close friends but one day I said a stupid joke in a chat and then all of a sudden I had no friends. I still can't form new relations, I guess most friends are made when we are younger.


Thanks man, it is at least a little comforting to know it's not too uncommon. Sometimes I think it's just a giant question of putting in the time to develop whatever aspect of my life (in this case, friendships) versus "is it worth it?"


…and the prince and princess and the good people of the kingdom all lived happily ever after.


> we will probably continue being close for as long as life lets us
As I got older and people drifted apart, I had friends like this. Then, life no longer let us be close. They just live too far away.

> I used to be completely fine with the isolation (was I lying to myself?) and I was able to 'keep working on me' but I don't feel comfortable with it anymore.

Did you think at the time it was a choice or a temporary thing imposed on you? Solitude is something chosen, loneliness is not. They are different states of being. If it's not something you can control it becomes a very oppressive feeling.


>they just live too far away
Yep, I got a taste of this when one of them straight up moved to another country for a few months. We kept in touch mainly because we still shared the same interests. I'm thankful they have opened up and they actually do share similar problems to those in this thread.

>Did you think at the time it was a choice or a temporary thing imposed on you?

It was definitely a choice, I was denying a lot of attempts for casual socialising between acquaintances and would choose to only be with the two close friends I mentioned before, mainly because we are completely comfortable being obnoxious and odd around each other. Perhaps I was too short sighted to see the benefits of reaching out to more people.


you need to find people who share the same interests that you have


Do you honestly think there is a single person reading this who didn't think of that already?

Contrariwise, having the same taste in music or liking footbal or knowing how to code or whatever your flavour is, are not always what relationships get built on. Having different interests gives you things to talk about and therefore new things that might become common interests over time or merely fuel for conversation.

The way someone treats others, their fundamental views on life, are more important than common "interests".


Come on Tachikoma, don't be so hard on Saito. He lost one of his eyes, and is now just trying to be nice and kind and constructive so people will like him (that's how it goes in anime) so eventually he might get a friend.


But Alice, I wasn't trying to be mean :(


Also If anybody wants to contact me, go ahead and send me an email on

I know Discord isn't well received on arisuchan but i'll be happy to talk on there too, just send me your tag in the email


This reminded me of the following:

"Sometimes when I get up and emerge from the mists of slumber, my whole room hurts, my whole bedroom. The view from the window hurts. Kids go to school. People go shopping. Everybody knows where to go. Only I don’t know where I want to go. I get dressed, blearily, stumbling, hopping about to pull on my trousers. I go and shave with my electric razor. For years now, whenever I shave, I’ve avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I shave in the dark or around the corner. I don’t like looking at myself anymore. I’m scared by my own face in the bathroom. I’m hurt even by my own appearance- I see yesterday’s drunkenness in my eyes. I sit at the table, sometimes my hands give way under me and several times I repeat to myself, “I’ve victoried myself away, I’ve reached the peak of emptiness, I’ve reached the peak of emptiness and everything hurts.”
Even the walk to the bus stop hurts, and the whole bus hurts as well. I lower my guilty looking eyes. I’m afraid of looking people in the eye. Sometimes I cross my palms and extend my wrists, because I feel guilty even about this once too loud a solitude which isn’t loud any longer, because I’m hurt not only by the escalator which takes me down to the infernal regions below, I’m hurt even by the looks of the people traveling up, each of them has somewhere to go, while I’ve reached the peak of emptiness and don’t know where I want to go
I’m hurt now. I’m hurt by this whole town in which I live. I’m hurt by this whole world- because towards morning, certain beings come to me. Beings not unfamiliar to me. They come slowly, but surely, up the escalator of my soul and not only the faces come into focus, but also certain horrible events. Just like a portrait. Or a film. A documentary not only about how I was ever madly in love, but also how I failed people. Everything I ever said, everything I ever did. Everything is always against me. The whole world hurts, and even the guardian angel of mine hurts. How many times I felt like jumping from the fifth floor, from my apartment where every room hurts, but always at the last moment, my guardian angel saves me. He pulls me back. I victoried myself away. I’ve reached the peak of emptiness"

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