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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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At what point in your life did you change the most?
High school, university, what have you.

These last two years have been quite a development for me, and I've done a lot of growing up. When I try to describe how I've changed, I realize that outwardly, nothing much has happened in my life since I've graduated high school, but on the inside I've changed more than I could possibly express.

When did you go through the most change in your life as a person, and are you still experiencing that epoch in your life right now?


I think the most Ive changed was in elementary school. I used to be very prone to anger and would try to fight people. I suddenly mellowed out when I was entering middle school. Now i basically don't really care about what happens and I just go with the flow.


Age 21, a year into working full time in IT, misery forced evolution. it's been 3 years, life obviously keeps flinging more and more soykaf at me but I'm way ahead of it now.


All the 2010s were a period of non-stop evolution for me. I was always taught to obey and never act independently, which of course turned me into a incel and social autist, and led me to a moral breakdown when, among other things, I failed college.

I started running to get rid of excess energy and stay in shape, I stopped caring about politics when I realized that everything, except at grassroots levels, was just a sad lust for power hiding behind great ideals and holier-than-thou philosophy. I realized I was pretty good at doing my own things, the ones I do like. I stopped pretending to like things to fit in, stopped forcing myself to hang with people I didn't care about, and I started respecting myself. Bad memories still bring me some kind of anger but I can't even imagine anymore what depression and self-depreciation feels like.

Now I need a driving license (costly and I hate to drive) to really close that first half of my life.



I really feel you on that political sentiment. Vote however you think will help people, but at the end of the day it's just grandstanding when you let it infect and fester in your personal life. What's important is your own life in front of you, not the bureaucratic power-struggle out there on tv


I agree. Big screen politics makes you feel powerless, it wastes your time and makes you stand still, waiting for the resolution of artificial politician drama of the month. Then you go on Twitter to militate and oops, here goes another precious day that you could have used to get less stupid.

It's one of the worst opiates ever conceived.


When I was 19 I was at a bar with my friends. When we left someone pulled out a gun and shot at us. We dove behind a parked car for cover as the gunman drove off this is when I found out buddy who was next to me at the time was shot. He made it but the bullet missed me by 6”.a week later I developed anxiety and had my 1st anxiety attack, I woke up my friend because I thought I was having a heart attack. got crippling depression never went out couldn’t get out of bed. Got fired because I was always calling in sick Wanted to kill myself so I got help. I am 22 now and I have new friends and a lot of them I feel loved and wanted. i have never been happier it took a lot of work to get here but it was worth it. But yeh I guess the past 3 years I have changed more that I think I ever will


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In 6th grade, my childhood sorta fell apart: I was severely bullied (more by the teachers, I felt), and my mom got so addicted to computer duster that she collapsed for hours at a time. I was arrested, put in the hospital, etc. Funny thing to note: mom learned about duster abuse through Intervention, a show that's designed to show you how much it fucks up your life. Haven't spoken to her since dad got custody.

A few years after that, I found the only girl I ever loved and I lost her in 2 weeks. My own fault too, for being autistic as soykaf and accidentally creeping her out. Whoops.

Since then I've always isolated myself as much as possible, to the point where I nearly failed high school despite being the kid that never had to study to have the highest scores. Right now I'm 18, graduated early last year at 16, and for the past nearly 2 years I've tried my hardest to be a shut-in. There's a lot going on now that I'm simply not prepared for, and that's mostly because I haven't changed since that low point, besides being less aggressive and more avoidant, and I'm probably more comfortable with dying now. In a way I'm like the inverse of you, for better or worse.

In all fairness, everyone's personality changes in elementary school. Life's more enjoyable when you wing it, I'll agree with you on that!

Have you considered remote work so you can at least travel while you do it?

The only good thing about me is the fact that I don't compromise on myself for the sake of people I don't like. I'm glad you learned to do that too. I'm also glad that you aren't depressed anymore.

Far too few people realize that freedom is a very personal thing, and even fewer work to increase theirs on their own terms. It's one of the worst things about society, that lack of individualism or personal responsibility.

Fuck dude, that's intense.


>Have you considered remote work so you can at least travel while you do it?
I think you make the assumption that I'm still miserable. If I'm going to travel, I'm going to do it without having a job back home or a job on my back, unless it's some new age lifestyle entrepreneurial bullsoykaf ala 4 hour work week soykaf, which also sickens me, although a lot less. But I'm still working on all the financial freedom stuff, it's surprisingly a whole lot of fun.


Yeah, never compromise. The voice inside of you will make sure you never get that feeling of self-worth before you choose freedom. I've been called autistic by both family and schoolmates until high-school and even after that because I used to be too kind and silent. People will use you and trash you if you stop serving them. Teaches you not to cling on anyone.
Ironically, it is the old 4chan hivemind which taught me to get sarcastic and bitter instead of being a yes-man or throwing tantrums I couldn't control (nothing makes you feel as powerless and handicapped as not being to control your anger), which in turn helped me to get rid of social anxiety. You have to be careful not to get edgy though. I'm not sure it would still be possible today given the state of the website.

What the hell. Glad you made it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say.


Forgot to add
18-24 isn't the comfiest period of life. I think you don't miss much if you stay by yourself, trying to improve. It's also the time where most people get stupid, edgy or follow fastfood ideologies, because they are trying to assert themselves as adults. Or they refuse to grow up and stay manchildren waiting for the next season of anime, like I did until 20.
The worst mistake I did was the typical near-NEET sleep at 5AM wake-up at 12PM, playing Skyrim (it was 2011), arguing on /v/ or trying to stay up-to-date on Twitter. I don't know how you're faring these two years but avoid this. It's the worst waste of time there is.
I think the only talent that's really required in life is work discipline. If you avoid social media, go sleep and wake up early, open your mind through reading books on other cultures, don't forget to indulge and inspire yourself by playing some games, express yourself through fiction/drawing/whatever, and study something you like, you're ahead most people in life.

I couldn't even imagine duster abuse was a thing. This is pretty sad.


Actually I do change anytime but most powerful moment I think was my second before last trip on 2c-p which was overdosing by mistake.
It felt great and was my most synesthetic trip of my life (I literary saw, touch, smell, taste and was a wave of music). But about 6h after the things started I felt my first pain in chest. Didn't know what was that back then and I panicked about my heart being destroyed by drugs (I was tripping balls each two weeks and I don't mean weed). Trip ended, pain not. Few weeks later tried to eat shrooms but it backed it up and two months later I had my first neurosis attack about having a heart attack and pain in chest then became my companion till now.
Since then I stopped doing drugs, smoking and more often I am drunk. Dropped my first attempt in uni and was a NEET for a year. NEETbucks ended so I had to go to work and there I lost my patience to people as a customer service in IT.
Right now I'm in my second attempt to uni and first to CE (I'm a chemist by my education who tries to be far away from chems, ironic?) . Have faith in me Arisu because there are comes unknown future.



Sounds to me like you're on the verge of hitting the time of your life where you go through the biggest change. You may be the inverse of me right now but I don't think we'll be all that different even a year from now, you and I.

That low point that you can't build up from, the feeling of powerlessness and directionlessness that eats you up inside - that's something that I for one had to go through to really start maturing. That uncertainty and lack of preparation for what's out there is what snapped me out of it and got me to grow up.

I think it's something the both of us had to inevitably go through. Introspection and a bit of soul-searching is really the only answer to get out. You need to sort through who and what you are, not only to yourself but also to those around you. I've spent countless nights doing nothing but walking out in the cool night air and looking in on my own heart and mind.

Only you can help yourself out of it, Alice, but one thing I can tell you is find a friend. Not just someone you hang out with or get along with, but a kindred spirit that resonates with you. Someone who isn't like you or what you want to be, but someone who you want to want to be. Someone who wants to be what you want to want to be.

I know that sounds confusing at first glance, but I can't think of any other way to put it. I'm not arrogant enough to think I know how you feel, but I'm confident enough to know that you can understand what I'm trying to say. I believe we're similar just enough to know that. Get yourself out of the mud - you're the only one that can. And when you start to think that the mud might not really be that bad, picture the kind of man you want to become - because odds are, he's not there in the muck with you


I can't quite explain either, but your words resonated with me. Perhaps it'll impact me as well. Whoever you are, thank you for taking the time to write that out. See you on the other side, I guess.


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I too forgot to add
Thanks for the grounded advice. I was just coming to that as well, but then again I'm stubborn enough to fight against myself. The NEET sleep (well, I am a NEET, having just dropped out of college, but no matter), as well as the manchild waiting till the next season of anime thing, are definitely things I'm doing. I know it's destructive but I'm still in a phase where I almost want to be destroyed. The pic I first posted in >>773 as well as pic related are OC, so at least there's the creative drive.
And thanks for the comforting words on the duster. I've moved on. Just wish my mom would move on and stop trying to talk to me lmao


Most of the 2010s has been a stunted growth in any form of true further development with myself. I've learned a lot but haven't done anything at all with myself. I'm hoping I can take what knowledge I've harnessed and do something with it in the 2020s.


Mid teens realized at my current trajectory I wasnt going to be able to accomplish the things I wanted to in life, started putting myself on these crazy regimens spending almost all my time either working learning or creating, pushed myself to my limits for years on end, got a alot done. Now I'm letting myself enjoy life more and not focusing as much on 100% efficiency, it's nice but I know this lull isn't going to last forever, theres still much to be fought and won.


Learnings never a waist, now turn your thoughts into reality.

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