/feels/ - personal experiences

Had a good day at work today. Made some progress and finally got the OK to install software essentially as I see fit and finally start fixing issues in earnest. That felt alright. Every week I feel like I'm better at what I do.

But increasingly, I can't push into the back of my head the coming crises I can see coming. Article 11 and 13 are pretty much a shoe in for the EU now. American ISPs are already throttling traffic, I have to pay to not have a 1 TB cap on my to the home internet which costs as much as 90% of the internet service I purchased to I assume pay the $3 of electricity it costs to send my packets that were paid for in my initial purchase anyway.

Those things make it even harder for me to not pay attention to how close the entire world is to breaking. Like someone is chopping away at my sanctuary and making me pay attention.

But when I look around I can't find anyone that seems to know about anything. Even when they do they don't understand the gravity of it all, and even worse sometimes they just don't even care.

Of course I'm not just talking about the internet. Just in America we've got an extreme prison population being trained to stay outsiders in society. A schooling system that fails on almost every level. A failing job market for new and old workers. A completely soykaf health care system that even if you have insurance for many can't be used (due to monetary reasons.) Where it's cheaper to have a giant fucking metal tube fly it over an ocean to get to you (my contacts for instance.) or to just take a trip to another country to the north to get your drugs. Marketing so effective it's effectively mind control. Cities that are built to require you to buy a multi thousand dollar death trap. soykaf housing that costs too much. Recreation that almost requires you to be irresponsible to go enjoy because you have other things you probably should and could be doing not to mention the money you might spend to go do said thing when you could be using that to, if you're lucky, pay for health care or something.

It just never ends. Everything here is made to fuck you over, everyone sees it, but for some reason they can't think beyond their fucking tits to think it isn't mexicans or the republicans or the democrats or the jews or whatever the fuck. It's always this one subsection that's the problem somewhere and everything could be A OK if not for them.

No, fucker, society from the ground up is dog soykaf right now and no one seems to want to just say that. It's a fucking crazy that the idea of working 40+ hours every week for 60 years of your life to end up with failing health just to see some rich fucks at the companies you worked for prosper while your family stands around wishing they could do anything for you while you can watch the fucking weather channel while dying.

I'm so sorry, Granny.

Then you see all the other countries. I'm mostly thinking about the ones America has fucked over in the last century, but it's fucking demoralizing, and the sheer number. You can easily see where our military budget goes. To that one plane that's never going to be made and absolutely ass blasting other countries. Just to control markets.

We've got enough money to fucking pancake countries but feeding the populace and giving families enough time to interact with each other let alone other families. Actually rehabilitate inmates and not have people live with fucked up bodies due to the fear of being homeless.

All these fucking little gardens on the net of echo chambers. It's all these men that are ruining my life! It's those women's fault since they won't fuck me that my life sucks! Life is so boring! It's all X If only X If I had X. It's never a lack of action to do anything that matters eh? Go ahead and get old and fat playing whatever dogsoykaf games are coming out.

It's a weird hypocrisy. I think it's intrinsic to humans really. I genuinely want better for everyone. All the time I'm thinking about how we could live to better society quickly and in the long term. I've had some many good times with old friends and strangers a like. Many instances where I felt completely safe (as fake as the feeling may be) and assured of the genuine care those old friends and complete strangers have had for me and I had for them. My family is great. My parents are some of the most wonderful people I've ever met. It'd be great if they weren't so stupid, and so sick. Everyday my parents, in my minds eye, show me exactly how strong people can be. Mom's still working and helping support my siblings when she has no business doing so and Dad is doing just as much and helping Mom. I'm just here trying to be as little of a burden on them as possible.

And I then I really hate them all and everyone. The fact that we'll end up suffocating ourselves is sometimes actually relieving. I can't do anything about it so might as well live my quite little existence and enjoy the booze while it's here. That's all I wanted anyway.

And then I really fucking hate my inability to do a damn thing. Sometimes thinking myself better than others and then immediately empathizing with someone that can see how useless they are. Just another piece in the spiral that never seems to end.

And then I also take solace in that spiral like maybe we'll get another chance someday.

I know this isn't very easy to respond to. It's just the only place I can think of where I could post this and take some kind of peace knowing maybe someone else will read it without me having to fuck up my place as a piece of a machine. Even though most probably aren't going to get it anyway. Even more bullsoykaf is I'm sober at this point.