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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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I just can't sleep without letting this all out. I'm 20 years old and have been treated like trash since school (and I still am). People don't seem to care about what I like to talk about (mostly computers, operating systems and C/Java), when I actually try to engage in a conversation that is related to something they enjoy they simply ignore me and keep talking to a friend/someone who's near that isn't me. I never mistreated anyone (when I believe I did I find courage to talk to that person and sort things out but it doesn't always work out…) I'm not a right-wing conservative nor a left extremist. It might seem like I desire too much attention but how? when I barely get any from people who are supposed to be my "friends".
I've been beaten and pushed downstairs and similar things still happen although now that people around me are older the way of mistreatment by being silent is way worse in my opinion.
I just don't feel like talking this to my mother nor my father because I don't want to worry them (my father has been diagnosed recently with bad kidneys and diabetes).
Every time I wake up I don't feel like doing anything. I'm slowly losing interest in programming and everything all together. Most video games have failed to entertain me since 2015-16ish.
Recently I lost 2 friends to pot and I'm still crying about it since one of them is my oldest friend from childhood.
I could NEVER attempt suicide successfully because I care about my family enough not to do it.
When things started looking to seem better last year when I found out someone who seemed to care a bit about me it just turned out to be someone who just wanted to play a bit and didn't want anything serious.
Throughout the years I could never find someone who seemed to really care about me, there was times when I almost cried in class because someone died or because someone treated me like trash but nobody really seemed to care. And this is what I believe "love" should be like in the first place - have someone who actually cares about how you feel and wants to make you live a happier life. I was never able to experience such thing, the only feeling I ever got was of shivers down my spine when I found someone really cute but I never really had the courage to commit.
This is why I hate boys and girls equally, I just despise people around me overall. And I really wish I could just end it all by drinking something and quickly fainting never to wake up again.


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I feel you, this is my situation to a T. I'm also 20.
I haven't found any kind of solution yet, but you can't just give up. You have to keep trying to connect with people, and not just online either. Setting/context is key, so know where to look; you won't find like-minded people at a baking convention, you won't get blood from a turnip etc.
In addition to this it's important not to obsess over it. I know you feel a strong emotional need, but the more you think about it the more intense it will get. Just keep improving yourself any way you can, stay positive, stay healthy, and then when you find your people (which will be soon, trust me on this), you'll be ready. So just keep that chin up and those eyes looking forward and you'll be alright.


You are probably a simple case of boring, or have some awkward thing about you you're not aware of. People don't engage in conversation based on your moral history. It's either business, or an intuitive mix of good looks, interesting or pleasant behavior and no red flags. You can mitigate red flags by outperforming yourself in the other two. Since your interests are computers, operating systems and C/Java, to 95% of people you may seem like one of those awkward nerds if they find out. Even if they don't find out, since your interests affect and are affected by the general way your brain is wired, you might be the sort of person that is just not fun to be around unless business/projects/etc are involved. I'm studying compsci and am surrounded by all sorts of people who are all either math or tech nerds. Some of them radiate fun, are social and may seem like a normal person if you ignore their occupation. Other are these okay-looking well behaved NPCs who are surprisingly knowledgeable about stuff I'm also into, but are somehow awkward to talk to. I have nothing against them, they don't look, smell or act weird, they just… are boring. People like these take time to get into, and when there's an overflow of people all the time everyone just goes the easy direction, instead of investing much into someone they don't want to know at first glance and might be just a waste of their time.

Considering how you've been beaten and stuff, it is understandable that you tried to become as invisible as you can, remove any interesting detail from/about you that could generate attention: it's somewhat ironic, you succeeded and now it's a problem.

Not giving up is a winning strategy if you have no social nets, might be a hold-back thing if you do. From your detailed situation I'd say you don't have any, so yeah not giving up is a winning strategy; only problem is that it's a defensive one, it just prevents you from losing by death, you'll need to put >50% of your resources into something extra other than not giving up to win.

May the knee-shattering kami show thee the way, chummer.


>People don't seem to care about what I like to talk about
talk to me. unless you don't want to.

>people who are supposed to be my "friends".

no one's supposed to be your friends.

what makes you think they are ?
i think it's better to admit to not having real friends than to pout over non-friends not treating you like friends.


its ok, folks. every one of us goes through a lonely clingy phase. it usually ends when you find an internet friend clingier than you are and realize its not all you chalked it up to be. try becoming friends with people who make posts like yours on obscure imageboards.


im 21, i've only just got out of that phase (wow is it just a 20-year-old thing?) and this is the exact thing that happened to me. just go out of your way to speak to people OP, not to be their 'friend', but to help them with stuff, to share an interesting story or w/e. friendship is a lil more complicated than you think, but its easier to get friends than you think.


>I really wish I could just end it all by drinking something and quickly fainting never to wake up again.
The only problem I see in your life is that you give too many a fuck about how others treat you. Grow a spine and realise that the "love" you describe is a convenient word used by superficial assholes who don't want to commit. I've used it lightly in the past, same as them. I got my feelings betrayed and it sucked. Which is what brings me to my main point: become cold like a rock. Hurt them, not yourself. Last year I've been a major asshole, and my only regret is not being even more harsh to the fucker that crossed me. Even if you fail at love, you can still live for hate.


People can sense if somethings up with you; deppressed, anxious, judgmental etc.
Even if it's subtle, people pick up on very small cues, this induces a variety of adverse reactions both conscious and subconscious:

They think your irresponsible and weak, and thus aren't worth spending time with.

You seem to them like your under great pressure and could snap at any moment, your dangerous.

Your insecurities rub off on them and put them in a bad mood, so they avoid you.

What you need to do and what in almost every circumstance someone in your situation ultimately does if they ever get out of it; is to first learn to live with yourself and only your self, learn to be content entirely on your own, (notice I say content, not happy, happy is a feeling that comes and goes, it is no better than any other feeling, it is something the more you seek the harder it is to find.) Once your comfortable with the idea of living your entire life alone, that you don't need anybody, you will be able to socialize with out being a burden/threat/inconvenience/downer them.

Lastly, this is more a symptom of taking the above approach but you want to stop seeing every thing in a contrast of good and bad; their good I'm bad, I was good now I'm worse, I'm bad I want to be better, I'm better than them, they think their better than me, and so on.
Don't compare yourself to them,
Don't compare yourself to yourself,
Don't compare them to others,

Spend your time thinking of ideas,
Activities, experiencing the world around you.



>Recently I lost 2 friends to pot

How did you lost friends to pot?
Sorry to ask, I saw some friends getting scared to weed and beer, even if I still treat them gentle,friendly and nice when I'm under effect.

Some people fear more the drug then the actual effects or true possible harms, sometimes the harms are bigger on the eyes of others than it is on the body of the user but I don't know how is your friends situation.

Listen my friend, you need a lot of selfawareness and self reflection, this way you can see the patterns and understand why people react like this with you, people are really complicated, and you look alot complicated too, but right now in this place there are strangers wanting to help, so don't feel you are truly unloved, you can understand those patterns, you can understand yourself, you have potential to understand others and you can find people out there that look like you, people that add and flow in long meaningful conversations for both.

Good luck! You can be more connected to others and make other be more connected to you!


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this, OP

Thread's long dead and OP is probably gone, but whoever comes by… Become content with yourself alone. If you can't function up to standards alone, what makes you think you won't fuck it all up when you're not alone? You're already breaking apart here. And don't hate anyone, you're wasting energy, people smell your angst from a mile away.


I am in a similar situation, I feel you. I have my ways of dealing with these problems, they might help you.
First of all: screw what other people think about you and your hobbys. I have pretty weird interests for people my age (cryptography, programming, game design) but when talking to people I rarely if ever mention those topics. Except for game design, pretty much 80% of boys can talk about video games.
If you want more positive attention from people around you talk about "normal person-frendly" topics. For me, that is for example the recent Facebook data breach or, as mentioned above, video games.
You also seem to have gotten unlucky with your classmates, keep in mind that after graduating you can just keep your distance from them and move on with other people.
Meeting like-minded people is hard. I either chat with people online or, if you ask google, maybe you can find a Hackerspace near you. Pick a project you want to build and go ham, there will be people you can ask for help.


I too have "lost" people to pot, I think I know what Alice means. People who used to be cool and then were impossible to have a conversation with. Sucks when it was someone you depended on for anything.


saying you have "lost" people to pot is kind of weird though. You lose people to car crashes, cults or hard drugs, but pot is not too different from alcohol consumption, were it not for the social stigma. Chances are you would have lost those people anyway, simply because this is the way life works; your path and theirs eventually diverge. I wouldn't be that bitter about it (and this goes mostly for OP).


i can totally agree with what alice said. i think ive lost a friend to pot too in the sense that we used to hang out all the time and we dont anymore because smoking dope has made everything else become superfluous between me and him. Dont get me wrong, i love toking but i dont do it too often because i dont have that type of money and because it can make me anxious if im not in the right mood. But the truth is that it made a friendship crumble. Maybe some other variables took effect, but most conversations end up in weed or thoughts of smoking weed



I Know what you mean, that sucks and it happens a lot, but if you want a confort I guess that is a phase that will go out eventually, and I hope it goes, sadly sometimes it takes a long fucking time untill this happens, a temporary phase for young people and people that start smoking, and get that initial feeling of "whoaaa weed is fucking awesome, I'm tigh as fuck".

Someday weed will just become mundane, weed can be fun to relax and explore the mind but with time the smoker wouldnt praise it like in he did it in the past, even if he is a regular smoker,at least is the way I feel, and how I feel with people around me.


You've never lost anyone to alcohol either then? I have (I was the one drinking excessively though). No one said it was different. It's also normal to feel sad when a friendship ends, don't project the word "bitter" onto me.


>alcohol consumption
alcohol is a bad comparison.
it can be very addictive and many people overdose on it.
losing someone to alcohol is very real.


The main difference between alcoholics and stoners is that alcoholics are quicker to admit that their habits might be hurting the people who care about them.


>It's also normal to feel sad when a friendship ends, don't project the word "bitter" onto me.

Sorry man, I am not trying to invalidate your feelings. I didn't want to come across that way. I too have lost friends over the years. Very recently I ended a 4 year relationship because of general douchebag-gery on behalf of the other person toward me and another friend group. I could see the signs beforehand. What I mean to say is attributing loss of friends just to pot is jumping the gun a bit.

I despise the culture of getting wasted equally to the culture of getting high. I find both equally superficial and unappealing. Pot is similar to alcohol in regards to how it is glorified as a tool to achieve self-destruction. There are tons of people out there thinking they are the soykaf because they drink or smoke, and build their self image based on that. This I believe is way worse than any addiction, because at least addiction can be blamed in part to the substance itself ; exhibiting such lack of self awareness as to build your life and your culture around such a bullsoykaf concept as getting drunk is pathological on a whole new level.


That second paragraph was lovely. I've seen it happen to me and a few friends and I believe it's just some sort of way to become popular, sort of a cultural thing that came attached with drug culture, at least here in the western society. I know I paid quite a mental toll for wanting to be something I'm not, not sure about my friends.
Why would someone want to build their life based on something like that?
I haven't ceased to smoke pot or get drunk once in a while, though. I guess I don't regard those experiences as things that I'm supposed to do in order to get "street credit" for being in the soykaf, I guess I regard them more as ways to amplify the good times


I understand your situation entirely and I can confidently say that I struggle with the same situation to. All these other replies provide good insight into your situation, but it's good to try to learn more about it. It's hard to walk around knowing that you see people walking alongside people who care about each other and thinking to yourself that you should be one of them. Even if you hang out with your own friends, it just doesn't feel the same. If there's anyone that you truly know is the closest to you, it's best to explain your situation to them. You shouldn't have to feel like a burden or muted by society.


The waking up and not wanting to do anything part is something I still have trouble with. The easiest (hardest? more like simplest.) is to do what you needed and wanted to do even if you don't feel like doing it. I haven't fixed that issue either, but it's been steadily getting better the longer I keep reinforcing it. Changing behavior changes the way you think. Even little things like (which I have done) doing one set of push ups.

I had a little revelation in my early teens. I was super lonely and all the people around me seemed at least kinda interesting. I got thinking on the matters of expanding my person and I thought, "If there was some fat, reclusive, singleminded, poorly spoken dude with poor hygine trying to talk to me and get my attention I would probably try to ignore him too." and started making changes. Look at things you can improve (including your appearance) and don't worry about looking like an idiot, everyone else is an idiot too.

If your college has some clubs might want to take a swing at something totally new. A lot of techies actually enjoy cooking. I'd like to say I like to cook, but I don't really.

I mean, you're only 20. You got another 60 years to keep trying new soykaf and getting better at programming.

Also if you haven't played nier automata give it a shot. Get the FAR mod on PC and it's amazing.

Change of pace change of mind friend.


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OP here.
I can't sleep now so I decided to come back. I've been wondering this night: wouldn't it be better if everyone was blind? I mean, why can't the average decent-handsome person put themselves in my place and try to comprehend what I'm feeling? is it really that hard? how many fucking times do I have to hear "oh don't worry it will get better eventually" ?
Fuck this situation really. If I could give my left arm or heck, even my whole eyesight just so I could look better for a day I'd do it. I've come to a point where I'm desperate to improve myself so I skipped certain meals for months now and used some skin products which only ended up leaving my arms and legs fucked up entirely to a point that I was actually scared of going to my university for 3 days straight. It doesn't really matter what I do: I've tried sleeping way earlier, using different products everything. I actually spent 3 to 4 hours a day researching about health products, diets everything.
Recently an asshole from high school shared an old picture of me to some of my university classmates and it really made me nervous, simply because I actually feel like I improved a bit and this picture just reminded me of how worse I was and that I haven't really improved in certain aspects.

I just can't, I can't bring myself to do something such as kill myself because I care too much about my parents and sister.
This may sound edgy but nowadays I actually feel like if I were to do it everyone would need to know so this could at least put some pressure in their lives somehow (which I highly doubt would make any difference but still). I just wish they felt something bad once.


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I feel like no one could possibly understand me.
1 - Most of you probably live in decent European countries/Canada unlike this soykafhole where I live
I'd even consider the US better.
2 - Some of you never even dealt with being highly overweight and those who did? I don't care
3 - Some of you probably don't know how it's like to have a gun pointed at your mother and sister while your father can't do soykaf because he's unarmed

At age 7-8 a angry classmate tried to kill me with a heavy iron door holder (which felt on another classmate's foot and left her bleeding for a couple of minutes).
At age 12 on a field trip in which my family had to pass through a poor city a group of thieves surrounded us and stole my father's ford while they pointed pistols at my sister's and mother's heads as well as my father.
At age 18 my mother lost her patience and pointed a knife at my face because I wasn't accepted by a decent university since I failed their test.
One year later she almost burnt my room with matches and a bottle of alcohol because I failed the test a second time.
That same day when she left the house I grabbed a knife and locked myself in the bathroom and thought about killing myself multiple times. My sister convinced me to open the door and I beat her and she left for a couple of hours and I was left alone for some time thinking about just ending everything there.


Don't you understand that there is no use in bitching about bad stuff that happens to you?

Your problem is that you care about these things way too much, you are fixated on them. That mindset leads to self-destruction and worthlessness. It doesn't matter if you were dealt bad cards in the game of life, you have to stop bitching about it and try to play the cards as best as you can.

Learn from every experience, everything that happens to you is information.

>At age 7-8 a angry classmate tried to kill me with a heavy iron door holder (which felt on another classmate's foot and left her bleeding for a couple of minutes).

Yes, that's life. The weak should fear the strong. You lived, try to become strong physically and mentally.
>At age 12 on a field trip in which my family had to pass through a poor city a group of thieves surrounded us and stole my father's ford while they pointed pistols at my sister's and mother's heads as well as my father.
Around blacks, never relax
>At age 18 my mother lost her patience and pointed a knife at my face because I wasn't accepted by a decent university since I failed their test.
One year later she almost burnt my room with matches and a bottle of alcohol because I failed the test a second time.
We don't choose what mother we get "assigned" to. It happened, so what? You don't need to live with her, if you don't like her around, go live someplace else.

Don't look for good things to happen, learn to ignore bad things.

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."

Become strong physically and mentally, and your life will change for the better. Read stoicism, do push-ups, etc.


We get it, you're special, you come from a broken home and a broken society. Nobody out there is like you.

Before everything, you being ugly/fat has nothing to do with it. Absolutely nothing. You can get shredded, mutate a solid jawline, grow back your receding hairline, and people will still realize you're a freak after a while. Why are you a freak? Well you're self absorbed. Extremely. Read your posts, you're the only actor in your head. You despise everyone. And we subtly transmit how we feel. You're like a child. Nobody wants that. And don't think that if you start acting interested in other people they'll accept you, some might, but you're missing the point. If you hate people then you hate them, you can't pretend to not hate them, unless you know what you're doing (which you don't, you can barely make heads and tails out of this life thing) they'll know you're being dishonest.

About your past experiences, you let that soykaf define you? You gonna let soykaf that was forced on you by other people define you? That's fucking sad. Move past them.

you're a huge glitterboy. That being said I wish you the very best, please consider improving the way you look at things.


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Start going to tech conventions. You’ll find plenty of people talking about C/java computer etc. HOPE is coming up and there are a ton of others happening every month


OP is a 3rd worlder there's no HOPE for him


> Around blacks, never relax

Go back to /pol/


Nice knee jerk reaction, thing is, statistically, the farther you are from blacks, the safer you are, and viceversa.

The saying still stands. Go be a victim.


> responds to kneejerk reaction with kneejerk reaction

No really, go back there. Your planet needs you.


yeah, well, statistically, the farther you are from white kids during school, the longer you'll live


> Around whites,
> internets fights!


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I have it!


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OP here, I couln't care less about /pol/ presence in this board. I believe in most things /pol/ spews out yet I don't really care because I realize that I can't do anything about it.
I also don't really care anymore about things that happened in the past.
The fact that I haven't killed myself yet is kinda related to that.
But there are way many other reasons as well, you see, whenever suicidal thoughts cross my mind the first things I remember are the moments when people in college used to push me over and tell me to kill myself with a smug face. I just wouldn't like to give people like this any satisfaction. Rather I'd prefer to improve myself as much as I can and forget about them.
But fuck, that's still too hard for me even after all those years.

I think this thread is getting kinda boring. I'd spew out a bunch of stuff but I'd rather not be called "edgy" by some random.
I'm more interested in what experiences you all had (if any are similar to mine).


>I'm more interested in what experiences you all had
well I didn't fit anywhere socially as a kid either
but then I joined the army
and now I just don't care

wouldn't recommend


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OP is child-minded person because of his past
here are possible options:
1. killing yourself
2. putting your soykaf together and fighting every thing in your life (probably beating people physically but it is ok imo)
don't fuck it


I detest people like OP, although probably not for the reasons you do. In any case, I don't think you're much better. You sound pretty meatheaded.


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Hey, I dont think it matters what the OP has done, the kind of person they are or anything like that. You should'nt try to encourage their suicide. I'm not trying to cause I fight, personaly I think the OP is part to blame for thier problems and they don't deserve sympathy/attention. If they just want some friends to talk about their interests with, they should just ask… loads of people here want friends and its really sad we are all so lonely. The OP's current problems however are their own and none of us can help with that, so dont give "advice".


> can't limit the freedom of other people
> can't kill other people
> can't neurosuggest people into limiting their own freedom
> can't neurosuggest people into killing themselves
> you should solve your own problems (that other people cause) yourself, grow up, leave other people be
is society really this retarded


You're just an asshole. You're trying to justify your desire to see someone suffer because you're indifferent to that person's feelings so you just use "society is to blame" as a dumb argument to back up your stupid intentions.


You can't babysit every EVERY manchild outta here. And even if you could, this wouldn't fix the roots of the problem. They need to grow up. It's not like "aww, a tender little johnnie clashes with the brutal world, we need to protect him", it's about "a child clashes with the brutal world, puts his soykaf together and becomes an adult".
>You're trying to justify your desire to see someone suffer
Life does not forgive weakness.



I'll chime in and agree with you, I've seen tough love work very well more often than not. If they really need help they should suck it up and go to a professional therapist and not sap everyone here's time and energy. Allowing these people to sap your energy is not a solution to their problems, all it does is allow them to whine with an audience, which I've never seen to be helpful.

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