/feels/ - personal experiences

Today is my birthday Alice.

I knew it would be hard to spend it for the first time after i parted ways with my first and only friend. I lost 70% of my acquaintances since i was connected to them through her. So for the last month i've tried to become friends with the remaining %30, but i think most of my efforts will not return anything. That's ok. I know it's situational and related with people already forming their circles. It's not about me, and I believe there is nothing wrong with me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with spending important days alone, new year or birthday or whatever, it just multiplies the lonely feeling by 1.2 . Before I had an almost real experience what I can call friendship, I was oblivious to the need of socializing with people, so it didn't affect me in my previous experiences of this kind.

It still is mostly pleasant. I have a lot of things to appreciate in my life. My economic situation is good. People at work are nice. So there is nothing wrong with celebrating.

I kill my free time in front of the computer playing lame online games. I don't have the energy to invest in an enjoyable personal project because the thing I consume unfortunately doesn't replace my social needs and refresh me. It is still acceptable, I'm functional at work and managed to go to the gym 3 times this week.

Maybe today I'll do something different. I woke up early and watched Rick and Morty eating two packs of my favourite biscuit with some milk. I took a shower and wore fancy clothes even though I don't have any plans outside. Then I called some of the 30% ( it may have been socially inappropiate for some but fuck them its my birthday) to hang out but I don't expect them to respond. At least I'll enjoy my comfy clothing and may continue playing that lame game just because I crave it, even though I wanted to do something different. If I get bored, i'll quit, i'll manage to find something else, or get tired of my search of finding something different and go back to it. If I want to eat, I'll eat, and if I want to cry, I'll cry. My pride can shut the fuck up just for today. I don't care, It's my birthday, and I deserve being happy.