/feels/ - personal experiences

as a talentless loser who can barely hold a job, I feel. I say just find any employment you can and hiki yourself, finding entertainment with the internet and stuff you can do alone. unless you have friends, in which case like do that. really it doesn't matter if you work a soykaf job for the rest of your life; if it can't be helped it can't be helped. stressing yourself out about your subjective "inadequacy" will only hinder your ability to find happiness past your shortcomings.

>>2731

23 year old doomer here. i failed to pass years in the university 3 times. my mind is a wreck just like my body. i'm dreaming about being an engineer but i'm honestly very scared about doing a responsible job and having to go to job every day. i have hobbies but most of the time i just surf the net and listen to music and watch anime. i have a dozen personality disorders and a few mental illnesses. i have a year's salary worth of debt and lots of expenses coming soon. i dream about dying every day. i go months without talking to anybody irl. i feel like this world and all the people hate me and i'm causing trouble by existing in this world. i had talents when i was young and now i'm a lot behind an average pleb. i'm the definition of a loser. i failed miserably in the game called life. i really wish that my parents would hate me so i could kill myself without causing them pain.

How somebody recover from this? Idk, maybe this isn't something that i recover from and this is my default state.

>>2733
Your post made me tear up because of how much I relate to you. I don't think I'll ever succeed in anything. I will never feel happy too. I don't want to continue going through this hell or I'll do what >>2732
said.

drop out, buy some heroin and start a hobocore act
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRS9Bz0IH54

>>2732
I graduated Uni and it doesn't get any better, can't get a job, let alone an internship, I at least exercise enough to not die. The days have been dark for 6 months now.

Maybe theres something you want and you just don’t know it yet

>>2731
Make a diary so you can explore what you really want, and force self discipline with the easiest things you can find. It's a skill, so you can master it.

I was in the same shoes.

I dropped out and moved to a different country, left fiancee behind. Sold all I had to pay for basic soykaf and eventually found my way into a job. Said what I knew and told them I didn't have a diplomatic back it up, but I'd prove it.
2 years later managed to get enough money to bring fiancee (now wife) closer and am in a management position.


The only thing that kept me going was my self-hatred. I was unwilling to accept myself as a loser so I did anything to get out of that situation.

Only advice I have is, if you feel you could be doing more, go find out how. That bs of "not all that wander are lost" can be true.

Nah, life is much bigger than you think. Even the Internet. How many people do you communicate with? How many skills do you have? Why don't you try something out? Why don't you do any available job, just to start? You think you don't have discipline and other abstract bullsoykaf words humans made up in an attempt to describe this experience. What you don't have is connections between neurons that would keep your body well-adapted to the surrounding environment. Can you ride a bicycle? A skateboard? Do you remember how it was? How you sucked and were unable to do anything for a stupidly long time? Why do you think it's not the same for everything else? You have to grow these connections, you have to repeat these actions, over and over and over, until they are cognitively effortless. You run these activities in a loop with your will, repeatedly kickstart it, until your software renderer of life burns into a stable structure for hardware acceleration. It takes days, weeks, months, years to build all this bullsoykaf, depending on prior connectome, weights and what you eat for breakfast. That's how it works here. You are the owner of your world, in a world of worlds, and it's worlds all the way down, and you can live anywhere you want, if you adapt. Is this process hard for you? Can you learn to ride a skateboard? I know you can, you little bitch, anyone without a brain damage can, and it's all the same soykaf as skateboarding. Your perception of the world is distorted by rogue neural networks that you have fed with feeling like soykaf, with being surrounded by soykaf, with being in soykaf situations you fail to see an exit from. Neurons don't give a fuck what emotion it is or what their collective activity leads to, it is all chemicals to them, these structures stabilize and take more effort to silence, up to requiring medication. You feel like soykaf and fap sometimes? You just lie down in warmth for hours, doing nothing? Stimulating dopamine production with moving images on your screen, while everything around you falls apart? For them it's a dream life, but not for you, you'd prefer death. You control the growth of your brain. It is hard to get hold of, but you can at least try. Start with whatever things people generally think is right, they have been collectively evolving this bullsoykaf for thousands of years, they are adapted to this life, learn from them. Go for a walk, talk to a dog, clean your bathroom, reduce local entropy - whatever stupid soykaf. You do it for no reason at all. Your can't see the reason yet, there are no wires in your brain to see it, you're mentally blind for these things. Then find what you think is right, and do it. Yes, there are regressions in learning and you will fail a lot, so read a few books on dog training. You are living in a dog. Godspeed.

I went to uni, failed the first semester. Skipped the next semester because I couldn't pick up all the subjects I needed, as the uni only gave lectures on those in fall semesters. Then I failed the fall (first) semester again. I quit uni, didn't really do anything for two years besides summer jobs.

Then I applied to a more prestigious uni for the same course basically (compsci). I just completed my fourth semester there. I already know it will take more semesters than it should, but I am progressing, roughly halfway. This is a significant improvement over the previous attempt, even though I mostly didn't change as a person. There are a few things that I do differently:

>I do not care about my image.
I don't mind what other students or teachers think about me, besides avoiding anything super-retarded or unusual. I don't think about who I am or who I want to be/become, I just focus on what I want to do. I try to keep basic study goals on that list.

>I don't try to manipulate and engineer my mood or efficiency, just follow simply heuristics.
For example, I would often feel like studying now would be inefficient, but I could instead do something else that I want to, and then that would get me in the mood for studying. Or I wouldn't try an exam if I knew I wasn't ready to pass, and just plan that I'll be studying for the next one even during the time of the skipped exam. These things were basically "not studying today so I am super efficient tomorrow" and I'm sure you see why that doesn't work. You can't plan to be more efficient later, just start working now and don't postpone exams. Basically stop judging and managing yourself, and let teachers do it.

>I don't clutch onto anything, I don't need those things to go on with my day.
Be it music, online friends or an online community, some kind of social media, vidya, "useful" youtube videos, fapping, lain… you don't depend on those things to be functional during the day. If you think otherwise, it's likely a delusion. Since doing these things often get you more dopamine than the real tasks at hand, they might feel like the only good thing in the day/week, the stuff that keeps you alive. The trick is to just abandon these things when you have stuff to do, and in a day or two you won't miss them while other things become more interesting, engaging, rewarding, whatever. Five days were enough to make me almost enjoy reading and memorizing proofs from a subject that I dreaded and failed twice already.

I don't think anyone is doomed; often all it takes is detaching from the big picture and its big problems, and making progress here and now. More often than not you learn that you were clueless about the big picture anyway.

>detaching from the big picture and its big problems, and making progress here and now.

Not the person you were replying to but it is incredibly hard to do this. It isn't something that can just be done.

>>2863
I literally just did it a few weeks ago. All it takes is limiting time and immersion you spend in virtual spaces where you can have a profile picture, a name, identity or a state, and following simple rules regardless of efficiency while you're not in virtual spaces.
Note that virtual spaces can include stuff like your diary, or the safe closet you hide in when dad's mad.

>>2864

If your here and now problem is something of an either/or choice, that is a big decision for your life. You can't progress past that decision oftentimes without making it. it is the immediate question on your plate, which choice should I make? Your immediate choices are often intertwined with the larger picture in such a way that you can't just do smaller decisions without living with the bigger picture consequences of them.

If your decision is something simple like, being depressed and wanting to get out of bed and do chores that day, that is all easy incremental work. But when you have a real big-decision that you are grappling with, that contributes to big-picture problems. You can't just work at it one step at a time as easily.

>>2865
I see your point, but I think that works the other way around as well.
>Your immediate choices are often intertwined with the larger picture
Most often they are only intertwined loosely. You can just apply again next year. You can put in extra effort to become part of that community / leave that community after all. You can get back in shape. You can get an abortion. You can move to a new town. Most of the here and now small decisions do not project into something final in the big picture, you change the direction - it won't be as clean as it could have been but who cares.

Also my use of "progress" may have been unfortunate, as it implies a clear goal or direction. My main point in >>2862 was that you don't actually want a big picture. The loose and ambiguous way most choices affect the big picture means you can just follow simple heuristics in regard to small here-and-now choices and be fine. You don't and shouldn't have a clear image of what "being fine" is, criteria you have to meet to be fine, to be successful, to be happy, to be "there". Just follow some simple and sane rules that allow to make small decisions, and let the world and its big picture happen, understanding its out of your control. If you are not feeling fine, you can try messing with the rules or just making a few random choices.

>>2731
If college is not for you, don't sign up for the McDonalds job yet. Try to enroll in whatever your country's version of a vocational school is. It's more hands-on than college and in usually 2-4 years you will have graduated with a respectable well paying job.