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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Help me fix this shit.

Kalyx ######

File: 1554181675140.jpg (89.05 KB, 717x960, 1202399791_preview_3UMlUJ7….jpg)


I have these gripes I want to get rid of, and they sound incredibly childish. Im just going to list them off and see what you guys think.

I hate it when I love a subject and study it, but when a friend says something about the subject he gets the attention and praise. I want to be the best at that subject, and I realize that people can be smarter than me in that subject, but emotionally I have a drive to be the best which I can never be. Its especially the worst when that friend says something wrong about the subject and people praise and believe him. I find it my goal in life to gain knowledge and spread it, and it hurts when people do this, willingly or not.

I feel like a specific friend is picking favorites because in his Discord server he gives people roles and im just the default one. We are pretty close and this feels childish that i am getting worked up over a stupid role on a stupid discord server but I cant help it. It angers me. We have talked about other stuff (he knows psychology stuff) and he has said that I might just have a lot of negative bias. That could be true and he simply doesnt think about changing my role to something higher when he is on Discord (all though everyone else in our friend-group has a higher role)

I feel like I don't have a best friend. I feel like sometimes people are creeped out by me. I have this version of Bipolar disorder where I sometimes have my ups and downs throughout the day (but each episode usually lasts a few days) and when im on my ups I get really crazy just to make people laugh. Its possible this is pushing people back and even the people i consider close to me don't reciprocate the feeling i have towards them

Thanks if you read all that /feels/. I really just needed somewhere to put my feelings.


Go achieve something real or useful.

Learning and spreading knowledge for its own sake is done to hide one's own incompetence and insecurity. You get to avoid the complexity of the real world and risk of failure by regurgitating other people's thoughts.


Huh. Never thought about it that way. My motives (well, conscious motives) are to just show people how cool everything is (I am interested in EVERYTHING, literally haven't found a thing im not interested in yet) and to keep people educated I guess? I really like the Foundation novels by Asimov so I might draw inspiration from there, especially the whole Encyclopedia Galactica thing.


for some people, sure.
Other people just have an itch that learning scratches.

Also – "going and achieving something real or useful" often requires years of study beforehand. Also also, fuck limiting ourselves to whatever "real" or "useful" means, art isn't real or useful but it is valuable.


Also also, fuck limiting ourselves to whatever "real" or "useful" means, art isn't real or useful but it is valuable.

neither "real" or "useful" are valuable terms. they can mean whatever you want.
if we want to make statements about "real" and "useful" things,
we need to define what we mean by that first.
Otherwise we'll just be shouting past eachother.


This is what I meant. Study is useful as a step towards something else. And at least for me, art counts as real and useful, because it is tangible and influences the people who experience it.

The problem is with only studying for its own sake. Without using the knowledge you never really refine it and gain an intuition for the field, nor are you able to be creative and add anything to it. I.e. learning about art without making any, science without doubt and testing, and so on.

My (oversimplifying) guess is that the anxiety in sharing knowledge comes because it is replaceable. There is nothing unique about the knowledge you are sharing, and so no reason for them to believe you over another source.

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