No.174
Today I felt: jealousy.
I like this girl. I asked her out some time ago, she said "no, but maybe if I get to know you better that could change". Fast forward a semester, we've become somewhat close. I think (thought?) she liked me, so I was going to ask her out some this week. Now, why haven't I? My excuse was the current socio-political situation of my country. There have been protests almost daily since a month and a half (not hard to guess where I'm from, but whatever) and it's hard to develop a normal living under this circumstances. Also, I don't have the fighter spirit within me, so I don't usually go to protest myself. Now, I can't wait longer to ask her out, so I decided to do it today. Why didn't do it? This is the important part of the post.
We usually talk almost every night, just after we finish watching a movie. We like to talk about movies and music and sometimes our conversations finish really late. Last nigh she wasn't there. Now, usually she tells me if she's having problems with the power (power outtages aren't rare) or the internet. I didn't push it, so I went to sleep.
In the morning, I can tell something is bothering her. I ask her about it and she acknowledges the issue, but she insists that she's ok. I don't push it.
After that, we went looking for a friend. Now, he's a really cool guy, genuinely funny and a bit whacky. When we found him, we started talking. Soon I felt like I had been left out of the conversation. I saw her face and she was really into what he's telling (mostly about things he's done or situations he has been into). I had never seen that face, mostly because our conversations occur by text, after we watch some movie/listen to something interesting.
And then, the insecurities came to fuck my ass. I started comparing myself to him. I do better in class, but he has much more experience in some topics. He's really funny and someone you'd like to be around, I don't see myself as such. He looks so sure about himself, I fake it really well but sometimes the mask falls off.
(Lately, our group of friends were describing each other's personalities. The game was over when they couldn't find out what to say about me. Other instance of the issue: as we don't have too much time knowing each other, we were curious about what do we do when we're drunk. One guy said about me: "Well, I think that lainon is like lainon² when he's drunk". Of course, I asked him what did he meant. "Well, I think you'd do the things you already do, but like, more". Then I asked him what do I do normally. He couldn't tell me, of course.)
While that was happening, I just had to drown the feelings in music, so I layed down and put my earbuds and tried to drift into sleep. Just as the album I was listening to finished, a friend somewhat turned the attention on me, so she asked me if I'm ok. Of course, I told her I'm ok. After that, the day finished without any abnormalities. I think the guy accompanied her to her apartment, but he does that with everybody (even with me, like three times already). I was going to, and they kinda insisted, but the some of protests are close my place and I really wasn't in the mood of aspiring lacrimogens going back home.
And here I am. Friday I am going to ask her out, definitely, but today's events were not good for my self-esteem. I think I won't talk her tonight of she doesn't start the conversation, not really feeling like it.
I really fucking suck at writing. Hope the practice will help.
PD: this is no blogpost, post your feelings, happy or sad. Happy feelings are nice.
