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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Help me fix this shit.

Kalyx ######

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My grandfather just passed away. Yesterday we visited him where he would tell some of the old jokes he used to while falling asleep half way through telling them then waking up promptly and continuting. A week ago he would tell stories about his life when younger, something he didn't usually do. Today, at approx 5:20, he passed away. It's strange, I don't really feel sad nor anything else. It's as if this is just another normal day.

So, since I don't really know what to do and there isn't much I can do currently, how was it when you lost someone? How did you feel? Did it hit you or was it just another passing thing? I might be in shock which could explain why I'm not really reacting past thinking "It's what he wanted". Well anyway, would be interesting to hear how others experienced it. Maybe this is normal, maybe not.
2 posts and 1 image reply omitted. Click reply to view.


There's no right way to grieve after losing someone. There are wrong ways, but it doesn't sound like you're in a wrong place. Just be. Don't think about how you should be grieving, because everybody grieves and makes sense of loss differently.

Keep tabs on yourself and take care of yourself. If it does hit you hard down the road, lean on your family, you're all in this together.


Personally, my grandfather will die soon but I can't be with him because I am actually studying in another country for 2 years. I have seen him for a last time at the Christmas's holiday. I knew that he will dead soon because of his cancer. He barely spoke, stood up and breathed that day. He is far away from me and I can't tell him "adieu". He isn't dead yet but I won't be able to see him anymore.

Now it is a bit like if he's gone but he is not dead. I am experiencing sorrow and many other feelings that I can't explain.This is a strange situation that I am living now and I can't do anything.


Lost no one
nor i gain someone
just sad


My grandfather passed away about a year ago. I didn't really feel anything despite spending a lot of time with him and learning from him as a child. When the family was notified they cried but I didn't, they got mad at me for it.
Few months ago my grandmother fell into coma after suffering from sepsis, having one kidney cut out and an arm amputated. She probably doesn't have much time. I didn't feel bad when I heard about it, it was just like hearing some news on the radio.
Maybe when my parents die it would affect me more or I'm just unable to feel empathy at all.


I only lose one family member so far, my great-grandmother. I cried a little, but we met so few times, and i was so little, i didn't really know what to think. She was very old, and she had her fair share of suffering back then (world war 2, then the communists), and despite this, she was such a benign and loving person. My grandparents doesn't have really much time left, they are sick, my grandfather had a stroke, my grandmother had a cancer. But to be honest i don't really feel empathy towards my granddfather. He isn't a good person at all, he has a really bad behaviour. He is the source of every bad genes i have inherited probably. Also he is suffering and i see that he hates life and hates this world, so i guess i won't be very sad when he passes. While i was a teenager, i lost a friend, and i was shocked, especially because nobody knew why he died, it was probably suicide. I was shocked and at that few days, i lost all kind of agressivity and all kind of resistance towards anything, all i could think of was to live in peace and love my loved ones and never fight with anybody, especially because the last thing we talked about was some fighting over some silly drugs and meds. Then a few days passed, and i realized, that maybe he was a good person deep in his soul, but irl he lied really lot, never ever kept a secret even when he sweared, loved to steal and scam people, and never thought of me as a close friend despite i thought of him as one. So my sadness reduced a lot. The only persons i really attach to are my two parents and my sister. If anything would happen to them i would be tragically beyond sorrowful and probably die within a few months or 1-2 years. Aside from them, i feel like it's very sad to lose someone, but doesn't influence my life really much.

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It's been nearly a year since I've graduated university, and I feel like I didn't really get much out of it educationally. There were a few classes which I enjoyed … But at least in my major (CS), some of the information from the important courses I had to take have mostly been forgotten by now – primarily in discrete math, and OS. I'm kicking myself in head over this as I have gained a renewed interest in those subjects but catching up from almost a beginner's level is frustrating. I wish I had put more into my studies. Granted some of the influencing factors were poor teaching and a meh CS program, but that's not a good-enough excuse. Luckily I was able to get a job in the industry (and I consider myself alright at my job) but I feel like an impostor.

What was your higher-education experience like, Alice?
4 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


This time its gonna be different. This time i will never fall behind. This time i will succeed on the first exam. /s


I have the same feel, Op, but its kinda worse for me.
Imagine living in a really fucked up country for education, and only one university in the whole country is on the list of best universities in the world.
And imagine that you study in a university so fucked up and so small that you could learn everything that's taught in 6 months, and the degree worth almost nothing, even in my country.
Imagine that, only for not being completely retarded you can be the best of your class.
I only wanted to graduate to have a degree and try to get out of this soykafhole, but i think the time i spent there only hold me back.



Oh gosh. What country is this?


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I think I did well enough. One thing I regret is that every semester there were classes where I only aimed to "survive" and not to actually learn it, mainly because of the load from other classes. Mathematics was a pain for me also, I still have no idea how to study proof heavy subjects like discrete maths. But overall I learned a lot both in classes and in my free time during uni.

It was certainly a lot better than at work. I don't feel like I am learning that much these days, or certainly not that kind of high level knowledge. It's like trivia compared to what we studied in university. After work I can barely keep my eyes open and feel too tired to concentrate so I've been struggling to study on my own in my free time. I miss being a student.


Brazil, also, when i said only one university is on the list, i meant top 100.

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about a week ago i was just minding my own business on the systemspace chat when someone mentioned rewire, i just downplayed their comment because the rewire community was falling apart pretty badly from what i was aware. i had also mentioned getting a friend into the community of systemspace. after a while of mindless chatting and watching stalker with the chat, i decided to go to bed. i woke up and checked the systemspace chat, realizing i couldnt sign in or make an account, so i checked my account and found that i was derezzed permanently for being "affiliated with anti-project communities". then, a few days later my friend was derezzed for a supposed "ban evasion". i paid no mind to this for a little while as i thought it was just mrsnoopdoge being salty again, but just recently when i checked my ban again, after a few failed appeals, this happened.
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Snoop was the only admin for systemspace that isnt a total skitzo. Systemsoy would have died without snoop, Also you do realize that Tsuki stole all the lore from the visual novel Rewrite right


You do know Snoop's on more medications than brain cells right?


Shame, that. IIRC, he's the one behind most of the visual design of systemspace, which is fucking god tier.

I knew he was a bit of an eccentric, but that kinda comes with the territory.


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What's systemspace?


This should do. It follows the project from its beginning.

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i originally posted this on the dedicated board, but i figured it would get more exposure here, and i am sure people who don't use it still have something to say. feel free to move it back if you see fit.

do traps make anyone else feel incredibly sad about their own lives?

their prevalence in imageboards/on the internet in general (or at least the prevalence of discussion about them) is so overwhelming that avoiding it is nearly impossible, and every time i see something posted about a trap i am reminded of how much i hate my physical form and desire to be cute/feminine.

the obvious response is to begin taking steps towards becoming a trap, but 1) certain things (eg facial structure) cannot be altered without taking more extreme measures, and 2) my life does not exist in a space where being a trap is a real possibility thanks to family/work. even if i were to go that route, i don't think i am the type of person that would receive any attention irl (not that it is about attention, but i guess the endgame is finding a boyfriend who is also into it) thanks to my personality/reclusive nature, and that is assuming i don't end up fucking everything about myself up and feeling even worse.

with each passing day "fuck this gay earth" grows closer to being my outlook on life. it's like everything has been designed to ensure i am as miserable as possible.
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You're an egg!


This whole thread lol. Makes me feel better that I came to terms of being sapio/ace. Some of you people are way too attached to genders and sexuality. Damn, just live your lives people.


That's about as helpful as a person born blind advising a non-blind person to simply stop looking at something.


Seeing person: my eyes hurt
Blind person: stop looking at the sun


You really missed the point of that, didn't you?

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I have had this toxic person in my life for a while now. I know they are bad for me and just cause me grief. I loved them and they took my heart and crushed it and they can still smile knowing this. They used to be my only friend and more than that but now they are the only one who gives me any time of day and even they dont actually give a soykaf about me and are just my "firend" when ever its convenient for them.I cant avoid them because the way life is at the moment I cant get her out of it. I dont know why but I continued to spend time with them even after all the pain they caused me and ignored my attempts to make them understand. Now they are in a relationship and ditched spending time with me for them. I know when they break up they are just going to come back to me to entertain them so they dont have to be lonely and it pisses me off.I hate that im sad. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I continue to pay this soykafty person anymore mind. I hate that I let them affect how I feel. I hate that Im reacting this way. I hate I want them to still love me and care. It just hurts. I know I need to put on a brave face and just say f them and enjoy that they are less in my life but I just hurt at the moment. I dont know why or what to do anymore.
7 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


I'm just about in the same boat right now. I recently had to take my last real "friend" out of the equation. But it's better to start from square one with no friends, than to have toxic people bringing you down. In life you can easily find yourself in hell, and even easier to just sit around and wonder how you got there. I can't really offer any specific advice, I apologize. But I can give you some encouraging cliches I've been thinking to myself lately. And maybe they'll even be applicable.

Finding people that will take the time to really 'get' what you are "all about" is not easy. It's not something you are owed. And if you don't put some effort into yourself, you are never going to be appreciated by anyone. I've spent a lot of time toiling in outright satanic pain, to no avail. Start by setting small goals. Easy, manageable ones; whether they are creative, social, whatever. Don't be a perfectionist, just do SOMETHING. Progress will build upon progress. Also try to live healthy, body and mind. And stick to it. Control the media/ideas that you are taking in daily as much as you can. Strip out the nihilism-inducers, mind-killers, time-wasters, and other net-negatives. Aim to develop yourself into someone that you wish to become, within reason. Don't let life get you down too bad, and don't take any lumps that you don't have to. Keep pushing FORWARD anon, I know you can break out of this prison


You sound so absolutely pathetic it's making me sick. The solution is right in front of you: throw that piece of soykaf "friend" to the trash and do something productive. What do you enjoy doing? Writing? Drawing? Composing? Programming? Kick yourself in the ass and focus on that, cut out all of the bullsoykaf, even if that means you have to be all alone. Hurts for a brief moment but gives you eternal peace.
Oh wait, your "friend" abandoned you? Isn't that great news? wth, you've got some issues…
t. have had multiple toxic people around me over the years and have gotten rid of every single one, spent many years alone and life is pretty ok.


It's really easy to make friends. It's really hard to make good friends.
Throw away trash. Keep trying until you find people worth talking to. It's scary but it's so much better when it works out in the end. People who have similar interests or personalities will naturally end up in the same spaces on the wired or in meatspace. Simply try to talk to people you think may be interesting and you will make new better friends. Hanging onto old friendships when the people clearly don't care about you will only hurt more in the long run, I've been there we all have.
There's also a good chance that you're the toxic person, so have a good look inside yourself and decide if there's anything you think could be improved. Do it for yourself. Be brutally honest, but don't self pity.
Don't think "I'm a terrible person I should just die wah wah wah" think something like "I often try to control people because of my own insecurities, why is that? Is there a more useful way of thinking about this?"


this post hits home, i was in the same spot as you, it was annoying to say the least when that very person was a friend since primary school "roughly 15-17 years" and being treated like a nobody/dog, it got annoying and upsetting pretty quick, i felt like puppet following their every move. At some point i just snapped and did what was right and kick em out my life and focus on what was best for me "my life and my education" i never looked back after that i meet the best people in my life that understand me and i understand then.

best thing i can say is get them out of your life asap, bear in mind its gonna hurt as hell and it has to hurt. Once they are out of your life, you will rarely think about them/ care, then fun part starts, doing what you love e.g. " hobbies and all that". Keep ya head up and do whats right.


if you have low self confidence people will find it easy to take advantage of you.
garner some skills in something and you'll gain confidence in just that alone
then start making friends once you feel more secure in the situation

nobody owes you a thing in life.
you don't owe anyone else anything either
yet i guess you owe yourself to the world somehow
that's your job I think, to figure out how that gets anywhere
I say I think as just reading your comment made me remember that
so yeah I guess you are useful to someone after all

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I hit the wrong person and it was a girl I "loved". Was in denial about it for a while and that made things worse coming to that conclusion. I'd say my life is a living hell but it's not. It's just an emotionless void Main( ) . Comparatively I feel like that's fine. I'm still suffering from psychosis.
i've always suffered from psychosis anyway though. Starting to hear though.
They're not external but who knows if it'll get worse. Whomever doesn't care.
I don't care either right now. I should take a nap though.
It's fine.

I had all these emotions
rage guilt sadness and envy mania with or from whatever
I brought it on myself but I just wanted help i guess,
but i've never asked for that, didnt come out right.
Nor have I ever really given anything to receive it.
It's weird as the only thing I can say is oh well.
That's literal. Everything else is an excuse
I cant tell if it's over never happened or
it's just a bad dream i'm having
just focusing on studies
writing this to people
that's enough

I'm nobody really.
making me someone
It doesn't matter either way
I shouldn't have done anything at all
It never did, but that I hit the wrong person.

what to do what to do.
I guess taking a nap exercise goal orientation
anybody ever feel social interaction is pointless?
Outside of the above three things does it really mean anything?
I've always hated that networking aspect and i'm seriously regretting it
but it's actually nice to be alone sometimes. The sound of silence is golden

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I have these gripes I want to get rid of, and they sound incredibly childish. Im just going to list them off and see what you guys think.

I hate it when I love a subject and study it, but when a friend says something about the subject he gets the attention and praise. I want to be the best at that subject, and I realize that people can be smarter than me in that subject, but emotionally I have a drive to be the best which I can never be. Its especially the worst when that friend says something wrong about the subject and people praise and believe him. I find it my goal in life to gain knowledge and spread it, and it hurts when people do this, willingly or not.

I feel like a specific friend is picking favorites because in his Discord server he gives people roles and im just the default one. We are pretty close and this feels childish that i am getting worked up over a stupid role on a stupid discord server but I cant help it. It angers me. We have talked about other stuff (he knows psychology stuff) and he has said that I might just have a lot of negative bias. That could be true and he simply doesnt think about changing my role to something higher when he is on Discord (all though everyone else in our friend-group has a higher role)

I feel like I don't have a best friend. I feel like sometimes people are creeped out by me. I have this version of Bipolar disorder where I sometimes have my ups and downs throughout the day (but each episode usually lasts a few days) and when im on my ups I get really crazy just to make people laugh. Its possible this is pushing people back and even the people i consider close to me don't reciprocate the feeling i have towards them

Thanks if you read all that /feels/. I really just needed somewhere to put my feelings.


Go achieve something real or useful.

Learning and spreading knowledge for its own sake is done to hide one's own incompetence and insecurity. You get to avoid the complexity of the real world and risk of failure by regurgitating other people's thoughts.


Huh. Never thought about it that way. My motives (well, conscious motives) are to just show people how cool everything is (I am interested in EVERYTHING, literally haven't found a thing im not interested in yet) and to keep people educated I guess? I really like the Foundation novels by Asimov so I might draw inspiration from there, especially the whole Encyclopedia Galactica thing.


for some people, sure.
Other people just have an itch that learning scratches.

Also – "going and achieving something real or useful" often requires years of study beforehand. Also also, fuck limiting ourselves to whatever "real" or "useful" means, art isn't real or useful but it is valuable.


Also also, fuck limiting ourselves to whatever "real" or "useful" means, art isn't real or useful but it is valuable.

neither "real" or "useful" are valuable terms. they can mean whatever you want.
if we want to make statements about "real" and "useful" things,
we need to define what we mean by that first.
Otherwise we'll just be shouting past eachother.


This is what I meant. Study is useful as a step towards something else. And at least for me, art counts as real and useful, because it is tangible and influences the people who experience it.

The problem is with only studying for its own sake. Without using the knowledge you never really refine it and gain an intuition for the field, nor are you able to be creative and add anything to it. I.e. learning about art without making any, science without doubt and testing, and so on.

My (oversimplifying) guess is that the anxiety in sharing knowledge comes because it is replaceable. There is nothing unique about the knowledge you are sharing, and so no reason for them to believe you over another source.

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h e l l o


i should study for university but all i do is playing games not caring about anything at all im tired of thinking for months about same things over and over again and i really need help by this point my life will be ruined


i sometimes feel like someone's gonna sneak up behind and cut my throat

i think about it everyday going home after school when i dont study when i dont do anything i start to think again and i get sad that's why i play games eat or anything bad for me drinking doesnt help spending time with friends doesnt help i cannot tell anything about myself to anyone i act differently at school at anywhere except my room sometimes i just want to get a lethal disease and die peacefully


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Hello, and that sounds tough and I'm really sorry for that. I think you shouldn't be limiting yourself by thinking that your life is going to be ruined, ofc its easy to say but maybe you can achieve it unlike me or some other people. You can't get ahead of thinking about things, many things, it's hard. I feel ya.


It just may be that you have to survive this episode, and some things are going to be better. But do I even have the rights to say this lol.
I'm same as you too, my family said to me that they thought my mental illnesses will ''pass over time'', and they saw that it didn't. They said that I SHOULD get help after 5 years, they're still not helping me but at least they know that something's up.
Sometimes you just need help from your family, and if they don't help you, you may get eventually stuck in this loop of feelings. If you can't get any help in any ways, you could try getting used to it. It's really hard but trying could be worth it.

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I hope self-help stuff is okay here.
So, how do you get a job? Especially when you have no qualification or experience. My ideal job is something like a barista or waiter. I definitely want a job which involves… going outside. Any advice is fine though.
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I'm looking for work right now. Holy soykaf it is hard and stressful, it is almost easier and less stressful when they ignore me rather than call me back.



Trapped in a kafkaesque situation
"Oh alice, come here next week and bring this documents"
next week: "oh alice thank you, we will maybe call you again for a second interview, stay alert!"
the next interview: "oh alice you seem very nice, how about a 2 week (non paid) experience?"
and on and on and on


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1 # Apply to lots of places both for the practice and to give yourself options.

2 # If an employer says they'd hire you, let them know your comparing different options and will get back to them once you make a decision.

3 # Consider getting 2 jobs (The advantage is if you somehow lose one you've got the other to fall back on, This looks better on future resumes as well. Also gives you flexibility for excuses on days you don't want to work. )

4 # Be helpful but don't give in to every single request your manager/other employees ask of you.

5 # Consider using a false time frame; some employers might be less likely to hire you if they know you'll only be around for 6 to 12 months but if you think you can get the job anyway, give them a reason why you'd be leaving by x time and your employer is likely to be more friendly when you leave.

6 # Dress well, smell good, etc…

7 # Good luck.


>>1958 lol, barrista and waiter are very much entry level positions. The only reason you apply to be dish washer is if you have a horrible resume ( fired from serveral paste jobs) or the place is SUPER fancy.


….or they make everyone wash dishes there before letting them work a better job. Lots of places do this in the real world.

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Why do I remember things that haven't happened?
Why is this world an oxymoron?
Why do the cries of the blind fall upon deaf ears?
Why is the peering of an outside world from a window so nostalgic?
Why must I struggle to see a face of someone who never existed?
Why am I here?


False memory. Epigenetic memory. Imagination. Dream, unconscious, and/or thoughtform memory collision.
Alienation. Loss of culture. Isolation.
>deaf ears
You misunderstand, nobody can do a thing. Even those you think can do something are trapped in a web of bureaucracy and pre-established systems.
Alienation. Isolation. Um, nostalgia.
>never existed
Because your willpower is not sufficient. If you will it, you won't struggle any more. Be careful of what you wish for, though.
Which part? Believe it or not, you're in a privileged position.
∞ hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha


I look at this thread and I see two minds. One confused and lost, one a brightly shining beacon.
I wish everyone to become as bright and shiny as OP.

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