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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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I'm just curious, Alice. What keeps you going?

You know you'll die someday, no matter what you do. But why not tomorrow? What is it that you have to do before disappearing? Is there even such a thing, or is it just inertia?
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Actually, fear of pain.
Even if it's probably really short, you must have a great pain when you kill yourself.
And also I don't want my family to cry.
I can't ruin their life because I hate mine.


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i like being alive. i don't necessarily like my life, but i am glad that i am a conscious being. how cool to experience consciousness and connection of my consciousness with that of others. wow.

even when i feel out-of-my-mind sad/weird, some part of me is marveling that i am even alive to feel such things. i like it.


Maybe I am the odd person out because I'm not depressed and am genuinely happy with my current and past situations, but I don't really feel like I could pinpoint precisely what keeps me going.

I live with a person who loves me. I have friends who are supportive and care about me, they encourage me in my works/projects. My family and I are on good terms even if we butt heads a bit. I find the stuff I work on and my personal projects really fun and fascinating.

Even with all that though, I don't think those are the things that really keep me going. I've been in situations before where I was homeless living in a place with no running water or heat in a winter, and I didn't have any money, and I was out on bail. Even then which is probably the objectively lowest I've ever been I was very content and happy with everything in my life. That said, I don't think mental stability and resilience is more important for drive than any outside factor like family, friends, money, legal trouble, having a project.


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I don't live in burgerica so all available options of ending it are far far less reliable than gunshot. Any kind of suicide attempt will probably leave my body weakened or even severely damaged making daily life unbearable. Living with such inconveniences is something not worth trying less effective methods. I want to be certain not to come back whatever happens after death.

The other thing is that my parents and grandmother will be devastated and it will probably spiral down their lives as well.

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I went behind the gym and there was these exercise mats a few years ago, behind those mats I saw a girl, just chilling on her Ipod. She left quickly after being discovered and I looked behind there and it was almost as if an entire base was set up there. soykaf was freaky.




A friend went to catch a ball next to a narrow corridor and a white hand came from the wall and laid in his sholder.


I think they are referring to like a little 'nook' just for that person. A pillow fort like area. Sounds like the girl that got away tbh.

Our school had a lot of gang activity and our teacher was caught banging a freshmen. That is all I got.



at my middle school this guy hung himself on a swingset because of "my gwirl fwiend bwoke up witt me" -tier soykaf. It was really weird, I used to play Call of Duty 4 online with him and he just seemed like a normal kid who liked to game.

It is hard for me to imagine it being anything other than him having seen too many dramatic tv shows or movies where people kill themselves. It is hard for me to imagine wanting to die that much over something so minor and insignificant.


Maybe it was just a convenient excuse.

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is it possible, through any means, to remove the feelings of sexual wants/needs? and the feeling of needing/wanting love? to help live a life of mostly isolation easier?

around the age of 15 or 16, I began having these ideas, way before ever getting into a relationship at all and before losing my virginity, it promptly went away after a couple of years. now that I'm much older and have mostly failed in that department, I plan on going the rest of my life alone. just wondering if through some kind of therapy related treatment or something if it would be possible.
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Just popping into this thread to say I stuggle with similar feelings. On the one hand it's a curse, on the other hand if the feelings just disappeared I think there would be a hole. Part of me believes that a lot of one's motivation for doing anything is driven by desires for love and sex whether we realise it or not, even things totally unrelated to such things, like how artists have their "muses".


>is it possible, through any means, to remove the feelings of sexual wants/needs?
i usually don't feel like fucking when i've just squeezed myself dry.

> and the feeling of needing/wanting love? to help live a life of mostly isolation easier?

i've not been successful with that one


>remove sexual wants/needs
if you're being genuine in wanting this, I recommend cyproterone acetate. It's a prostate cancer medicine often given out to transgenders (such as myself) to limit testosterone production and usage in the body (and as a side effect your sexual desires – they genuinely disappear from your mind in a strange amnesia/memory suppression kind of way)
if you're talking philosophically, I don't know what to tell you.


Stop taking these emotions seriously.
"Deal with it".
Currently incapable of sexually connecting to people.
But actually the world needs more well raised children.
The planets future depends on it.
So many soykafty people spam children and the smart and or thoughtful people reduce their procreation.
There are many people that see it as:
Either do children or become immortal.
It is easier to raise your children well than become immortal.


It is funny you know what removed most of the sexual energy for me? Having a partner that you have been with for 5+ years and not feeling lonely/isolated. At that point the biological urges just go away and you end up feeling happy actually. Then when you do have sex it is used sparingly and is more fun lol.

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>Start learning to draw
>Develop disease that prevents me from practice
>In and out of Hospital for 6 years
>Still can not practice

I can not stop laughing
No, can not stop laughing
Why is it raining inside my room


boo hoo grow a pair


boo hoo kill yourself


What stops you from drawing? Especially for practice you should not limit yourself to a single style or medium. I don't know your condition but even Stephen Hawking could have done ansi art. Drawing an ansi loli really isn't different from drawing a loli with a pencil. Sure it's a different medium but things like Imagination, Composition, Colors.. are exactly the same no matter what kind of art you do, and also the "hard" things to learn. I actually think you can keep learning these things for your whole life (and I draw for nearly 20 years). Everything else is just technique that can be picked up rather quickly.



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Its ok OP like the other poster said you can try different ways of expressing yourself through art. There is no single way of doing it. Also I hope your condition gets better.
Meant to say that here >>2413 but clicked reply accidentally

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I don’t know if this is the right place to post this but it’s about my feelings
I’m 16 and I work in a hard job
I started when I was 14 and stopped going to school. There has not been many workers to work in the job so my dad forced me to work, due to the lack of adult workers I do the hardest jobs and I don’t get lunch and get home late, I been thinking that is this is what the rest of my life would be like and what I should do to try and get a better life. Sometimes I feel hopeless and feel like I’m going nowhere


Depends a lot on what country you are in. I was in a similar situation as you at your age. It gets better but it won't be given to you. What do you want to do? Want to get into a technology related field? Give us more details and I am sure a few of us can give you some advice. Keep your head up.


A 2D digital animator I’m really good at drawing and had experience with a digital sketch pad


That is an excellent dream but a hard one. You are going to want to get in touch with people in your local area that are into the similiar if not the same professions. Even getting your name and face in their mind will help you tremendously if you wish to get a career in that passion. Are you part of any art or animation communites? There are some really good ones out there.


Work hard. Be thoughtful and strong and kind. You'll get where you want to go.


Have you thought about asking 4chan's /co/ about how artists get into the field, or how you could best leverage your current skills to make some money on the side?

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A few years ago we met as complete strangers. You showed me around town, got a bite to eat and had some really amazing tea. We went to your home and we talked about your books that were all over the room and watched films. Movie was so good you must have forgotten that you wanted to move those books so I could sleep on the floor.

We hit it off so quickly. Looking back it is like a dream that you could even stand me. A dream that makes this waking life grey. You said you loved me. We barely knew each other and I am sure I would have been a greater mistake than I already was. You said you loved me like an alarm clock and I woke up.

Weeks later I treated you like a stranger again and pretended I had forgotten the dream like so many others dreampt. The library, the record store basement, crazy vegan mushroom pizza. I did not want to go home. My one day stay turned to three. You said you loved me. I forgot my jacket and it was so cold. Ulysess and Bjork. I do not know if you are here anymore. I do not think you care to talk to me. I like to think you laugh about how you said you loved me like it was a childish phase. I hope you are well and happy. My writing is no better than it was when we met and you even cause my internal voice to be speechless.

You said you loved me and that is the alarm I will wake up to until the dream is completely gone.

50/50 change this fails to post. What a blessing that would be.


Why would you ignore somebody you love?


Stupidity and a lot of other cliches.

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Hey, Alice I always feel like a burden to everyone I meet and even more so to my family and sometimes I get really anxious about how my dad left me because I was just a burden to him the only thing I can do to escape that thought is sleep or go on the internet like I am doing now, this place is the only way I can escape reality and worry about other peoples problems instead of my own


Maybe it's time for you to take some responsibility for yourself and be proactive about ways you can improve your quality of life. Do you have any hobbies or anything at all that interests you outside of browsing online?


Fun fact: worrying about the problems of other people instead of your own is useless, as it doesn't really help. This makes it a burden to whatever medium in which communication happens.


Maybe it's the percieved expectations of yourself that are off? Keep searching, keep going and forget this burden idea - humanity is such a burden for our planet, which is really a drag for the solar system, which…. han, just forget it :)


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your not a burden to us, were here if you need us.

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so yesterday i was at the mall with my parent and one of her friends, i have alot of trust issues and my parents friend brought her daughter. it was wired award but i enjoyed her. we had a talk for a bit and it was fun. me and my parent went home after 5 hours at the mall. later the next day my parent got into a argument with me (because not passing soykaf) she gives me soykaf like "your so smart" for me not to be pissed because she is a jackass about everything. she brings up last night and how she told her friends daughter to "hang out with me" this made me so fucking upset with myself. i told her "thats bullsoykaf" she told me "she was scared that i would ask a question that she didn't know". the worst part is that her friend was also scared of the same thing. i went to my room and cried, this didn't help the fact that most of the people i know i think hate me behind my back. i still feel like soykaf because now idk if my friends irl were told to be friends with me. it freaks me out, not knowing who is real or not. what is the best way to cope with this im scared to ask anyone because it makes me sound like a loser neck beared glitterboy. this has been taking over my life and i dont know what to do.
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IRL friends may or may not be fake, but random aesthetically pleasing people online are always brutally honest, and your mom has no idea where to ask us. Well unless they try to scam you for the lulz. I'm not helping, am I?


thank you for your words
you are


Yeah, I had the same experience aswell.
It sucks to feel alone, when you think people that you love don't give a soykaf about you, even if it's not true, it sucks anyways…


its good to know its not just me who feels this way. thanks again i haven't felt this good in a wile. getting though today was easier knowing these people care for me.


No problem, we are here when you need! ^^

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hey alice, i finally took some initiative and went for an interview at a college after a referral from one of my psychiatrists. i start on wednesday and i'm actually kind of excited to have a chance of a more bluepill life after nearly a decade of seemingly repetitive events. i know i'll be back to my usual pessimistic self when i wake up tomorrow but i thought if i was ever going to post on this board, now is probably the time to do it.

i hope you're all doing well too, and if you're not that's okay - take a break, you still have ages to figure stuff out. what does alice think about hopelessness, anhedonia and feeling disconnected with the world. is it dumb to compare such a complicated and everchanging thing such as existence with a dumb movie about rabbits and suits, or is it kind of eerily accurate? do we latch on to media themed in dystopian styles when we feel a certain way to replace the non-existent answers to the questions we desperately want answers to?

i'm not sure, i concluded that thinking about this stuff in excess is a waste of time like usual, goodnight alice.


I am really happy for you. It is a wild ride either way. Keep it cool. You are my world.

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I remember maybe a year or two ago, surfing on dark / deep / as you called it - net / web and randomly visiting .onion sites, I found the Tsuky page. I felt something very deep that made me cry: the music, the images, the message, the idea … I was never able to recover this site nor in the clear web because I had forgotten the name. Today, I found it with my search engine because it has become popular among the web community, so I'm happy to be here. The fact that I was not able at the time to register on the page .onion (the configuration of my browser, my misunderstanding of the concept …) and today, I have the impression to have missed a train … Anyway, I'm here in my room, alone in this new year, listening to sad music under opiates and I want to share my love.
Does the .onion site is still online?
How can I join the ship? I mean I have the feel I miss something important and I want to retrieve the time lost.
E҉x҉ ҉T҉e҉n҉e҉b҉r҉a҉e҉ ҉L҉u҉c҉i҉s


Its nothing important and turns out the Tsuki project was a scam full of schizos. You wouldn't want to be there.


Does this board is tied to the Tsuki Project? I found it while researching information about it.
I was impressed at the time I discovered the Tsuki page.onion, something creepy, mysterious and beautiful. I liked the aesthetic and the background story. I'm trying to learn more by myself before drawing hasty conclusions.
Full of schizos? Like lot of people on the Internets and especially the DW… I guess…
A scam ? I don't remember they were asking for money, despite I read some people claimed they'll commit suicide (I saw a disclaimer on a site tied to the Tsuki Project, asking for people not to become heroes…).
I thought it was another "geeky animu style digital art page with an esoteric background" among others on the internet but with better quality.
Nothing wrong unless you're not easily impressionable.


>Does this board is tied to the Tsuki Project?
Nah, we're an offshoot of lainchan after it broke apart. Tsuki did a lot of advertising on that board so there was cross-pollination.

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