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/feels/ - personal experiences

share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

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Kalyx ######

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So I'm 24 and I've had a boyfriend for about 9 months. I was told when I was 19 that I was in fact barren. I couldn't have children. It was pretty devastating for me. I've always imagined myself as someone who wanted children and the news I couldn't have any was pretty rough. Well me and my boyfriend been having sex for about 5 months. A couple of weeks ago we had sex and afterwards he was talking about how he wanted kids. I hadn't told him that I was barren up to the point so I broke the news to him. He was extremely angry about. We ended up having a big argument about it and haven't really seen each other since then. We've been texting but he still doesn't know if he wants to continue this relationship.

So Alice do you have any advice for me? I don't know what I can do to make him feel better. I
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All parents are sucky, some of them just get lucky. Children are mostly in the future, which is not precisely predictable with anything less than omniscience; and reality being as chaotic (system) as it is, even one little detail can foul soykaf up. So stop worrying about your inability to set up a child deterministically doomed to a future between the parameters of some vague idea of good, and instead be ready to do, fix, accept and forgive stuff.


You also cannot prove that it exist inside your own mind, so you're choosing one assumption over another here.
Your choice to limit your goals and efforts to things that will produce stimuli to you limits the potential set of things you can do.

>A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they shall never sit

A blade of grass in a forest.


That sucks for both of you but as someone who is looking to marry for children, it's understandable that he's angry.

I'm surprised the topic hadn't come up before but you should have told him before things got serious. Time is precious.


> I'm surprised the topic hadn't come up before but you should have told him before things got serious. Time is precious.
They've been going out for less than a year. Stop overreacting.


This is a valid point.

At what point does Alice find a relationship to be "serious"?
I've had multiple relationships since early high school last 3+ years each, and lived with the last girlfriend for the majority of those 4 almost 5 years. Even joking about having children was never thoughtfully considered until the 3-4 year mark in any case. Being single now I suppose it is for the better I am without child.

OP, as someone in his mid-20s who would love to have biological children of my own I am empathetic to your boyfriend. That does not excuse his behavior however, and after his cooling off (if he does) an adult conversation about alternatives does feel like the best option. He may accept this, he may not; and you will have to move on and continue from that point in your life.

Hopefully by now your woes concerning your current relationship have been resolved

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What are some romantic things a partner has done for you that really stick with you? They don't have to be grand gestures… little moments are what resonate most for me.

One of mine is that my partner did is she made me a bit of jewelry. But when I came home, there was a locked box on a pedestal in the middle of room. It had note with a cipher on it (it ended up just being rot24) which lead to a series of clues of where to find the key to the box. It was really fun and romantic, and she and I were laughing together as I figured it out.

What you got /feels/? It's fun to get romantic, lets share ideas.
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Just want to say that's the most adorable story I've read in a long time.


I had a nightmare a long time ago about being cursed I woke up and freaked out, my ex was lying next to me in bed. She woke up and did her best to calm me down, for what must have been 30 minutes. Eventually she wound up holding me as I went back to sleep. I remember that really well for some reason. It was nice that someone was there for me when I was overwhelmed with fear. We watched fireworks together twice holding hands and that was nice too. Or the days we would just sit at her place getting drunk and high watching movies a bottle of wine each, that was very nice as well.

It's never the big things that are romantic to me, it's always these little gestures. Sometimes it's just a look.


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After it was over, that sad look she gave me staring at me across the room, letting me know she was as wounded as I was.


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This thread has the surface feel of telling happy stories, but I'm going anyway…

I'd met a very nice girl through a friend of mine from the tech school I went to; who'd I managed to get a job at the company I worked at. He had an apartment with a communal living feel, so lots of people from the place got together at night to drink and BS around the pool in the center of the complex. She was fun, older than me at the time - six or seven years - but that was OK; I'd never had a girlfriend or even an FWB ever in my life. I'd always been awkward so even the chance of making this chance work was more intoxicating than the Miller Lite we all were drinking.

Short story is that we did finally get together, back at my own apartment watching Bleach actually and I did lose my virginity. This may not seem like much, but in hindsight I should have seen that going from zero to "hero" overnight for someone with no experience could only end in failure.

But it did go great for the first two or three months. I'd finally accomplished what I had always wanted since high school and the relationship seemed to be OK. Somehow, with success came rules - first from her, then from me. I suppose we both wanted to protect what it was we imagined was there. It likely marked the beginning of the end.

Back to the topic though, where I live the fall season gets cold. The leaves were falling. We were both out on her balcony on some porch furniture under a nice blanket, comfy as hell and cuddling. At this point we might have both known it wasn't going to work. I remember thinking that I didn't want this moment to end. But what she said to me was just that. Probably the happiest I've ever been in my life, lains.

It never did work out. She moved on for reasons I still don't understand. But for that moment in time, under the blanket, I felt fulfilled. I look at it now and I can't get angry. It wasn't my time. I haven't met anyone else in the nine years since.

I no longer drink Miller Lite.


One day, lain.

I like to think we all have stolen moments. Moments that we live and are so special to us and us alone that we relive them until they become surreal. I so far have two: Brushing a tear off of a sad girl and kissing her for the first time, and the utter, crushing sense of loss and loneliness as I sat alone in a bus seat on a cold night, thinking about her.

Here's hoping we'll both get more happy stolen moments to relive for eternity.

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I only have 15 days left.

Over the last two years I've been reduced to the state I'm in now. I can't eat even if I force myself I just puke it back up. Can't sleep normally and just pass out. Have no motivation what so ever and things I used to enjoy I'm now sick of so I end up staring into blank space until the day is over. So I've already decided a few days ago that this is for the best. All I end up doing now is hurting the one person I speak to no matter what I do or say so I have to go.

How did it end up like this?

Well the last few years have been nothing but depressing. Feels like beating a dead horse every time I try to go for a goal as I never seem to even reach the first step. It's been too many years now.

The current problem,
She wants to meet even if it makes her feel worse. If I say no then she'll know something is up but if I go I'll only make it worse when I finally go for good. That's how my day is currently. Why did she have to stay, should have gone like everyone else. Would make things so much easier.

So /feels/ how was your day?


Sounds like you're reciting part of the plot of some sad anime. Idk what you mean by having 15 days left but as dead as you're trying your best to portray yourself, you still care about things. The dead are dead, you're still moving, perhaps in place but that doesn't matter.

If you can fix yourself, best wishes you do so, if you can't, adios.


Life's a bitch when you're 16 years old, huh?




My current day was just waiting to be over. How can fucked up can be a life to end craving something like it.

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Why do people ask strangers online to listen to their problems? Not the one's asking the questions, but the one's just complaining and venting about their life? Is it really as simple as attention-seeking or is it something deeper? Maybe we're just so desperate for a little approval that we turn to the "others" that don't know a thing about us or or even really care about our problems outside of mere pity or curiosity
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Would work better if I wasn't writing borderline nonsense and posting an anime character with every reply, but I commend you for the effort and apologize if I offended you. While I am poking fun at you it isn't my intention to make you feel bad.

Perhaps still consider responding with your utmost beliefs you know to be true?


Please stop posting with the same anime character every post (or using them at all; unless you're explicitly voicing the authentic in-lore opinion of the character throughout the whole conversation).
It somewhat helps with identifying your posts by glance, but at the cost of about -30% assumed intelligence


Well, I spilled my heart but you refuse to spill yours, so I guess this too must come to and end. Pretend I've added a picture with a little silhouette of a witch flying away on her broom across the night sky with a big huge moon backing her and masking her colors.

I'll think of you when I'm reminded of Ireland.



>I'll think of you when I'm reminded of Ireland.

I'll let you know you're arguing with a completely different person, I just plopped into this thread for that marvelous spaghetti the imaginary mathematician trickled down his pants onto arisuchan's black marble floor.


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they want attention, and attention really helps sad and depressed people, it makes them feel that someone cares about them, even if it is the internet.

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ive been having the feels of no gf recently. this time i think ive gotten a little to attached to a character to cope. i dont want to become one of those pathetic weaboos with waifus.
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Maybe I am still too young, but it seems to me this thread is focusing overly much on the idea of being settled and with money et cetera.

While this is doubtless a nice thing to have, we seem to have yet to see how old our dear friend OP is, or quite the situation with living et cetera.

And, even still, just having a house and a salary does not make you attractive. I have met too many people who seem to think that just because they are reasonably well settled I should be leaping at the chance to have their children.
It really doesn't work like that, or not for most people anyway.


You're kind of proving what >>994 is saying by requiring your potential partner to not just (your exact word there) be well off, but also "extra". (is what I assume your personal preference in personality/looks/favorite gits/etc)

Unless you didn't mean just as what it actually means, in which case, freudian slip.


Well exactly, it's an almost insulting thought that we're all destined for happiness if we go for some sort of 'package' lifestyle. One that COINCIDENTALLY revolves entirely around buying soykaf.

People can and do fall in love without a pot to piss in, so maybe people should do themselves a favour and focus on themselves rather than what they posses or aspire to have.


I think my intent was more to indicate 'well off' ness is one of many factors that contribute to overall attractiveness.

In that case 'just' was intended to mean that someone with only one thing going for them: money, is not terrifically desirable. There are a large number of factors that contribute to desierability, having money is not the base from which all must build so much as just another quality, that for some people doesnt matter much, anyway, especially when compared to questions of compatible personalities.

Doubtless, for everyone quite how these factors are weighted depends, and doubtless over time those weights may change. But at least as I see it, it seldom is quite a checklist where you must have a good job, and you must be cute, and you must do these other things, and far more often how do a large number of factors contribute to making a cool seeming person.

As I said earlier, I am young. it seems to me very likely that someone who is older, perhaps looking to have kids soon, would have more worries about having a solid income source. At my age very few people are actually settled anyway, and consequently my emphasis, and probably the emphasis of many of my peers, would be much more on compatible personalities and interests. In five or ten years if I am still single I may have a different emphasis, we shall see how my life goes till then.


Huh, guess I just hear what I want to hear. Thanks for the reality check.

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Why is it that people are generally just really bad at handling their own sensitive data?
Over about a course of an hour, I have completely wiped about fifteen discord guilds off their data.
It's easy when people upload their tokens into the repo, but even worse when they're really lazy and give them pretty much full permission.
Blatenly not even hacking, just abusing a simple flaw of the user/admin

But I don't feel any powertrip out of it, and I don't feel pity for my actions.
Maybe I enjoy the chaos I can't see, a satisfaction, or something.
Watching a spew of text, each line showing more destruction to add to the mix
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>discord guild
>"private" data
Lol nope, kid. This data is the whole property of Benchmark Capital™ and Tencent Corporation®.
Did you read the End User's License Agreement and Terms of Service page 59 section 15 line 8?


You're the only one talking about private data


>their own sensitive data
Isn't this the same?


That was referring to the authentication tokens. Of course Discord knows those, they are the ones giving them out.


Maybe he's baiting you, trying to make you write a very long, careful, elaborate post before he wipes arisuchan Present Day, Present Time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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i can't stand crowds. even a room full of people makes me nervous. i don't totally spaz out, but it always puts me on edge. i also have this this where i automatically think people are talking about me, when i know they're just laughing or having a good time. i don't know if they're actually not saying it, but sometimes hear my name. i don't know if i'm crazy or just think everything revolves around me. does anyone else have this happen to them?


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I used to be that way. Suddenly you become self-conscious of every single possible aspect of your appearance and personality and even your breathing changes. Unfortunately practice is the only cure, OP, and we'll probably never kick the behavior entirely.


I definitely was like that as a teenager, can't say I still feel that way. I'd rather not get into it but I had a good spoonful of a collectivist environment, maybe that fixed it.


Nobody Matters or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Crowds
1. Remind yourself that you don't matter to anybody. With a few exceptions (family, close friends), nobody actually cares about you. They have no reason to be talking about you.
2. Remind yourself that nobody matters to you. With a few exceptions (family, close friends), other peoples' opinions and gossip have no impact whatsoever upon your life. Even if they are talking about you, what practical difference does it make? After you leave the room, will these people play any role whatsoever in your life?
3. Remind yourself that you blend in. If you were one of the few people in a room, people might notice you, they might even focus on you. In a crowd, you do not stand out. Even if you did stand out in some way, people would only take notice for a moment before moving on. A crowd is a very stimulating environment - you know this because you become, so to speak, oversaturated. Other people in the crowd are receiving all the same stimuli as you; they just process them differently, ignoring and repressing most inputs, including the ones that might cause their eye to be caught on you.

Obviously, this won't prevent the initial reaction right off the bat, but it should help you pick yourself up and keep going if the panic does hit. Like >>1066 said, practice makes perfect. Get out there, push your boundary, pick yourself up when you crash, and push through for as long as you can.

As for hearing your name, that's normal. Our minds are trained from a young age to react to our names being called, to perk up and pay attention. A false positive is better than a false negative, so our minds will sometimes pick up on sounds that are similar enough.

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>have GD
>been telling myself it's "nonsense" and "just a phase" for 6 years
>stuck in fuccing rural Alabama w/ conservative christian parents, so what can I do anyway
>turning 19 soon, the clock is running out and this "phase" is clearly not going to end anytime soon
>finally work up the "balls" to order hormones (lol)
>best 3 months of my life, I can think again and don't feel like soykaf from stress and panic 24/7
>unfortunately I fuck up and dad catches a glimpse of my budding boobs on the way to the shower
>doctor had never even heard of "bicalutamide" before that appointment
>get test levels tested after a 2 week hiatus: I'm Chad, chemically speaking
>conversion therapist appointment soon
>failing Uni because I can't even collect my thoughts,
>school has become boring again despite still becoming subjectively harder
>my only "hope" now is the doctor thinks we can treat this as anxiety+adhd+depression and call it a day
>perhaps I can eke my way through uni on adderall and antidepressants long enough to tell my parents and "counselor" that I'm cured
>they plan to move out of this place as soon as I'm "ready to live on my own", which I have set back god knows how long by getting caught

If I had just waited 6 more months I woulda been home free, living with a roommate for second semester
But now they know I'm "going down that path (don't I know about the suicide rates?)"
they're going to keep breathing down my neck for the next 4 years

I love my siblings a lot; and I hate to leave them
Not to mention all the complications and extra stress it takes to live completely "alone" having fled my family+community

But I cannot remain in this living hell any longer
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As far as I'm aware breast growth isn't exactly the last side-effect of the estrogen, so if you stop at that you're just going to - pardon my bluntness - look like a sickly man with tiny breasts. But I could be wrong, I'm no expert. I'm just trying to make myself useful.

I'm just confused if you're trying to undergo the changes or if you want to keep them minimal in order to find that hypothetical wife one day. If you're not going to go through the hormonal transition then you should just get anxiety medicine, right? That's what was helping you with your education.

Just be smart, OP. Looks like you've got a solid head on your shoulders, so I'm not worried. I wish you the best on sorting this out. Advanced congratulations on the degree, too


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>breast growth isn't exactly the last side-effect of the estrogen
>I'm just confused if you're trying to undergo the changes or if you want to keep them minimal
Yeah, like I mean
I could go without breasts entirely if need be
(I only opted for estradiol over raloxifene in the first place because #YOLO, basically.)

The biggest thing is just putting the brakes on this body getting any less androgynous
Bone structure,
fat distribution,
(though, fertility will be something I'll have monitored)

and as for mental effects, I'm not really sure that I exactly like what T is going to do to my mind, either.

Just as the body is made more "powerful" by T, so is the mind fundamentally "savantized", based on my limited research.

(I've actually been building up a folder of research on how this is going to affect me, sorted roughly into "DO", "DO NOT", and "CONTEXT/INTERESTING" folders; one very handy part of Uni access is the academic article smörgåsbord, but I sadly can't dump it here since some of the documents are restricted-access and timestamped with my IP.
idk, maybe I'll make it my capstone thesis or something.
Although, whatever I do will certainly have to stand on the shoulders of these guys: )


>I sadly can't dump it here since some of the documents are restricted-access and timestamped with my IP.
There is always, so the DOI is enough.


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Ah, tru

Here are my articles with no particular sorting, the
are my tl;dr which are brutal abbreviations of my interpretation of the articles and may very well have objective inaccuracies


>Some guys with PhDs review the available (2015) literature, come to the conclusion that it's safe if your doctor is on-board Journal of Clinical and Translational Endocrinology

>SERMs help rat brain cells learn+adapt better Neural Plasticity

>HRT complications are not The Problem; insufficient evidence for SRS efficacy; we need more data tho Asian Journal of Andrology


>Testosterone improves teens' speed at solving the Tower of Life puzzle, regardless of both sex and transness Psychoneuroendocrinology

>Gender Dysphoria is a delusion that most trans kids grow out of anyway; why "lock them in" via puberty suppression American College of Pediatricians


(Many of these are written from a very clearly "one-sided" perspective and do not advance an "argument" other than the implicit presupposed Left prePost too long. Click here to view the full text.


good on you for getting on hrt.
bica is a good choice for selfmedding, as it is not nearly as destructive as cypro.
i wish i still had the choice of AA from before going official.

i know the feel of uni becoming harder because scatterbrained. i'm quite out of it myself as well.

it's one of the worse kinds of lives to have, but keep going.
you can do this.

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I imagine that as just being in agreement to not socialize, I can't pick you up on that offer, although for now, I guess I'm stuck with you.


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It's not like I want to be alone with you or anything, baka!


I just don't think it's healthy. Sorry anime posting Alice. But I've got a feeling I'll be alone for a whole lot longer than you, so there's nothing to worry about.

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When the clouds are dark and the air is cool, I grab my coat, head outside and just start walking. For me, it's the best time to be alone with my thoughts. I can just get away from it all - finally sort through my thoughts and life problems with a sense of distance, free from the anxiety of actually being there in the middle of those problems. And when I finally figure something out or discover something about myself, I get a feeling of catharsis like none other.

If I'm honest with myself, I wouldn't know how to survive without opportunities like that. I've met plenty of people who never really get off of their chair when they're by themselves, just passing the time reading or playing video games. Am I just the odd one out here? Do people never really give themselves the time to really sort out their feelings and thoughts like that? Everyone seems to be obsessing over keeping busy and entertaining themselves these days instead of actually learning something about themselves or what they really believe about certain things
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It has definitely helped my mental health as well. Any anxiety or worry goes away and sometimes I just stay out until I am legitimately drained emotionally and physically(in a good way). I sleep much more soundly on those nights.


I have often done this, too. just, walk. dark days are especially nice. Sitting alone can be, too, but it becomes claustrophobic for me to remain inside too long. Now, perhaps doing something 'distracting' is sometimes better in times of emotional crisis, and going for a walk is one way to find oneself along side a busy street or alone in the woods with just yourself and a knife, but I find in times like that books, games, things, people are often hard to engage with. I just dont care. A walk is something to do. It doesnt always work perhaps as well as it could, but hey, thats a bad situation, literally any effort to deal with it is probably at best going to leave it bad, simply, ideally less bad, and less dangerous.

And the clouds, they can be so beautiful.

I worry though, for sometimes I find myself walking, alone in cities at night. My habit when walking is to learn shortcuts, alleyways and narrow paths, and to use them whenever I am travelling. Paths like that arent always lit, at least not where I have lived. I am not a big person, nor strong nor terrifically fast on my feet, especially over rough stones, and irregular sidewalk. So far I have been spared from except slightly startling situations, and perhaps it is just my paranoia that imagines sinister motives and opportunistic sensibilities onto any dark silhouette.


I live in a ridiculously safe suburban area, so many times I don't even bother to bring my knife for some form of self-defense. But my suggestion is to just be smart about what you would do if you were to be mugged. There's always a motive for someone to attack you.

Wear as simple clothing as you can, and don't carry your wallet. The motive is almost exclusively monetary. Carry your ID and, if you must, carry enough money to be able to use a taxi or buy food but not enough for you to really miss if someone were to stick you up.

Just keeping yourself aware and walking with confident posture marks you off a lot of Offender's target lists, I hear.


On the surface, taking a walk might appear to be a form of escapism, just like the more typical forms such as reading a book or watching a movie or playing a game or any of those other things. However, I think the critical difference is that you cannot easily stop it. Once you're outside, it takes effort to go back inside. The further you have wandered from your home, the longer it will take to get back. When you pick up a book, you can always just put it down and get right back to the task at hand. So, for as long as you're reading your book or playing your game, you are burdened by that feeling that you ought to put it down and get back to work. When you're out for a walk, you can't just put it down. Your work is not at hand. You are separated from it and there's nothing that you can do about it except to walk the other way (or in a loop). In other words, you /have/ to keep doing what it is that you're enjoying doing in order to get to be able to do the real work. In other words, as soon as you put your shoes on and leave your door, walking, unlike reading or gaming, ceases to be a distraction and instead becomes an obligation, something productive. So, that nagging feeling that there is a better use of your time loses its foundation and crumbles, and you are truly free to formulate, to reflect, to let your mind wander, to do nothing other than think and move your legs. For the duration of your walk, you are truly and properly separated from your problems. There is /nothing/ that you can do about any of those problems while you are out for a walk, so you intuitively realize that stressing about them is pointless.

This also sets it apart from more physically strenuous activities such as lifting and cycling, activities in which your attention must, to avoid injury, be focused on the activity itself and cannot be focused inwards.

I think the opposite. I have learned that distraction does not help in the long run. It may help me feel better in the immediate future (provided I can shake the feeling that I ought to be doing more important things), but it doesn't solve any of the problems that I'm facing. When you ignore your issues, they just pile up.

I absolutely agree on the mental health aspect. I am certain that being able to take that step bacPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


Finding opportunities to be outside and alone is crucial to my mental health. I like to take night walks from time to time, or wander aimlessly around my campus on days similar to the one you described. For lunch during the average day at university, instead of sitting in the crowded food court I'll take my food outside and sit on top of a wall near the street, and watch cars pass while I eat. It's imperative that I get a little time in each day to introspect and feel a little closer to the world around me–if I don't have that chance, my lifestyle is so busy that thoughts can get jumbled up quickly and everything becomes unnecessarily stressful.

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