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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Help me fix this shit.

Kalyx ######

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since i couldn't empathize with others i hurt someone that i shouldn't have. now i'm stuck knowing this person hates me, that i acted selfishly. I could've done so much more only had I realized my own importance in unimportance. Taking responsibility was/is painful. Im seen by most people as being a depressed narcissist or sociopath. Due to this I don't want to get to know anyone as i'm afraid i'll hurt whomever. Neither do I want to search again because i never stopped loving another. Even though it was never reciprocal the feeling just wont stop. Trying again, making friends again. would mean everything i felt or did before was a lie. I'm tired and fearful of behaving dishonestly in manner. Because of this there is no hope of a way out and worse yet i put myself in this position. With all the things i could complain about i realize i put myself in this position. I never gave enough well enough or without expectations i think, but i really cant identify what's wrong with me. Anti social. The only solace i feel is knowing eventually I will not feel this way one way or the other. With that i realize It's just emotion. It will go away. Maybe if i live long enough and work hard enough I'll actually be happy somewhere, one day. There really is nothing more I can ask for.

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how would you like to die, Alice?
troubling even?
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I am my ideas, not this fleshed out instance of my ideas. I cannot die, I do not follow the exist/does not exist dichotomy. Even if the universe falls on the non-existent side of the dichotomy, I will simply not be/exist, but those ideas. You can only take me out if you reduce "all" into a single point/atom/thing/chaos/whatever everything else is made of, to a point where ideas aren't a thing as there is only one thing. However, that's what the world already is and has always been, and I'm not even a platonist.

Do you also want to be a Bot?


Generally peacefully.
Although I wouldn't mind dying for a cause, even if in the future it was proven a false one.

I draw the line dying via drug cartel methods or whatever those violent guys do where they skin people, castrate them, force said victim to eat it, etc.
That's the worst way a person could go.


Doing something dangerous yet badass.
Like getting shot in a high-speed motorcycle chase, or fighting someone while falling out of a plane before smacking the ground below.


idk die doing something cool


By suicide I think. Or some accident idk. Soon, that's for sure. There's nothing about this life that I like anyway, and the last thing I would want is to grow old with some alzheimer soykaf

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Going to die soon, need to know what to expect, do you think anything happens to us after we die? what's Alice's theory?
5 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


> but ask me to back that position up
^ I mean don't ask me… doh!


Nobody here has had any experience dying, but given the parallels I've seen with out-of-body experiences and disassociatives, I've wondered if it could be akin to what ego death is like.

When you think about it, for something to have an effect on the real world, it also must be real enough to interact with it. If that is true, then there can't be anything beyond reality that could have an influence on our world, and because the human body is entirely matter, there is no real boundary between ourselves and the rest of the universe (apart from our ego).

When entropy takes over and brain functionality is lost, could it be that our consciousness stops being limited to our minds and expands into the matter around us?


i personally don't think there is an afterlife of some kind, but then again i haven't died yet so it might be a 50/50 if there is anything beyond this life of ours, but its always good to keep hope in such things.


Watch the first episode of Altered Carbon.
Make sure you don't die violently, it sucks to wake up like that.
It's a good quote right until the last word which ruins it. Life isn't eternal and eternal isn't life. Both of those are just things, and their scope ends with that of "thing".


I think, therefore I am. With this logic, I am confident that we aren't mindless NPCs in a fish tank who can get deleted with the push of a button. What happens when we die? Man has been pondering this since ages. Those who don't believe in anything are too afraid to die in anything. Those who believe in heaven and hell will life according to the bible. Those who believe in valhalla will eagerly plunge themselves into combat. How people act depends largely on what they believe, and here when we sit on the internet throne and can view all myths and facts from a meta-perspective, why not pick one to believe in?

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Why do normal person retail workers try to be so happy and giddy and inviting? A girl at a gyro place I went to in the past asked me where I'd been and started borderline flirting. I can't go back there now, my anonymity was shattered.
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If it was her personality then it's fine, the interaction would be genuine, and that's kind of the point.

I'm fine with talking to people, with their flaws and good sides. I'm fine with interacting with a corporate mask for maximum efficiency. I'm not fine with corporate masks coopting the signals and mannerisms of somebody trying to be my friend, and strapping them to the face of a retail worker with stress headache and who worries about their mother's cancer evaluation.


I hate that too. I'm just here to buy some stuff, why do I have to tell strangers how I am?
I pretty much only do self-checkout or order online so I don't have to deal with that.


there are vending machines, for a lot of things. There also are sites that sell basically everything you want by shipping. You can avoid a lot of interaction, if you want to, quite easily.

Please dont


But that you don't know is the point, it reasonably could have been her personality. Especially if this gyro place was a small one. But even places like Starbucks with rigorous staff conditioning programs have genuine ones in their bunch, who would greet the situation the same regardless of whether or not there was a counter between you.

It's not that you can't go back there, if you're gonna take the line you're taking you can't go anywhere, because you can run into it anywhere. It's systematic. If you wanna completely avoid corporate masks I'll wish you luck, but be careful not to shut out genuine humans in the process.


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Older cybpunk here.

There are genuine humans everywhere. Despite what the corps want, you can't
switch that off. Some suppress it better than others, but I find it fun exposing it. I like to make them crack and laugh. At a point now where I can make most people cave in to down-to-earth interaction.

Here's some homework for socially anxious OP: throw some innocent banter in to the convo.

Realise that there is an actual person serving you, and it is just a job.

Maybe watch Fight Club and reset your perspective. Make it a game. Look for patterns.

Have some sympathy too: unless they're a business owner(and even then…), people working retail trully are not happy with their job/life. At some point, they likely had a mother/father telling them they could achieve anything…and now they have this.

Don't over think things. They're not programs. I live the life too, but honestly, don't go too far with it. It won't buy you anything in the long run.

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Entering my second year of college with all Fs. What do I do now? Drop out? I just wanted a cushy office job…
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Why are you here? This is a cyberpunk board.

Fuck, I hope there arn't anymore like you coming here to soykaf this board up. If we wanted this type of corrosive and non-effective rhetoric, we'd go to /g/


I knew I wasn't fit for this compsci BSc with my spikes of interest instead of constant work-ethic like study habits, but damn boy you're an entirely new level.

It's no wonder that humanities and ethics are faring so badly. They don't really do anything economically viable besides producing not really hype forms of entertainment (text), and the profit for that is mostly taken by publishing companies. As much as we'd love to think that we need people in humanities and ethics to be wise advisers to the people, the people won't listen unless they adapt a language they can understand - which is why anyone who speaks intellectualese or cites texts older than a hundred years are ignored by mostly everyone, except by those who would read these texts and educate themselves anyway. And those who do adapt to the demand of the public by dropping the intellectual and old stuff end up being dangerously close to SJW. There's also the problem that people in humanities are notoriously hostile towards everything modern often refusing to know and understand, making them soykafty advisers as well. You needn't look antique or speak lovecraftian to be intelligent or sensitive to human stuff, and it's pretty useless if that's all you do - and so they do über eight in the morning.


I don't see how he isn't being cyberpunk, the topic of the thread doesn't touch a single thing related to it, so neither does his reply. If anything, he's being more cyberpunk by at least getting things done than the shut-in depressed anime whine bags that riddle lainchan and arisuchan.

I get that his rhetoric isn't what you get used to on /lam/, but the topic isn't like that either. Please elaborate how people who spend 10 years passing one "Magic, Religion and Witchcraft" class are less likely to "soykaf this board up" than someone who can study.


word. i believe a global education reform is in the works. stay tuned.



my work was less related to webdev, but seriously, if you know what you're doing, whip up a few sites. A homepage for yourself, maybe a friend of yours needs something (or a site that could do with a makeover).

In my case this was more related to small coding projects, not webdev. But I'm sure the idea is similar.

It also helps to let people you know, in similar lines of work, that you're looking for work.

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I knew this would happen with this series but I am surprised it did not happen until episode 08. I really cannot watch anything that involves dissociation or mind control, I made an exception for mr robot but it was painful. And now serial experiments lain too is "triggering"
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ignore the italics i was trying use asterisks to link "mr robot" to the first link and "my blood" to the second link


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Texhnolyze is to openBSD/plan9 as Lain is to Linux.
It's just too deep for most lains.


OP here, I read the wikipedia article of Texhnolyze, it does not seem to be about psychological dissociation, only about transhumanism, which I don't mind as long as it does not lead to the person not being in control of their body, or losing ability to think freely in general


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Our point with Texh is that it doesn't need to depict psychological dissociation to trigger you and be too painful to watch. You just need to be a human being (regardless of what you think you are).
Well, provided you get past the first five episodes which basically form and ADHD and normal person filter.

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How do I stop my hate towards others ruin me?
During my childhood I used to like certain things and to like disliking other things, however in the last years my hate towards others grew stronger and now I wish that I wouldn't ever had to meet those kind of people in the first place, as a teenager I tried to be more cautious with whoever I talked to, but as the years went by I started feeling like my innocence has been corrupted and that I will never be able to be what I once was and I will never be able to enjoy anything the way I used to.
Sometimes I might be enjoying some form of entertainment, i might be dreaming or simply admiring someone and I would just get intrusive thoughts. I feel cursed by what I hate, and I hate having any connections to what I hate.
I could go into details as for why I feel this way, but I don't want to intentionally remind myself nor think about them. I don't want to run away, forget anything, stop hating or to forgive , but I want to be in control of my own thoughts and be able to truly enjoy things again. Even if I managed to dedicate a long period of time organizing my thoughts and disciplining myself, whenever I will think about the time I spent I would automatically be redirected to the cause, and I would have to start over again.
Does anyone feel this way?


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Yeah OP, that's awfully vague and difficult to map out what you mean. It almost reads as "I hate hating that I hate hating things, and I'd like to enjoy tings but I hate hating that I can't".

I might guess that you're talking about failed past relationships / lack of forming a successful relationship- and the inability to see certain people in the same way / even think about them without getting into a depressive mindset.

As far as corruption goes- yeah you're not who you were and you never will be- you could look at that as a bad thing, but it's not. There's nothing inherently better about being a kid and not knowing about bad things that can corrupt and harm, they're still there you just didn't know back then. You are still the same you, you just know more about the world now- and you're too fixated on the negative.

Unfortunately you can't 'fix' the past. You can't. You can't make things right, you can't prove people wrong. It's done. Over. All you can do is find something new to do and do your best, keeping in mind what you'd like to not have happen again.

It's not fair. Yeah, life isn't fair. It never will be. But you can still make it better. I'm not downplaying that you may be under significant psychological distress. I am and have been extremely depressed for a long time. What I struggle with is that I can understand the problems and the way they form a system, but I'm so over my head in problems to solve.


I understand, this is everything I needed.

Thank you so much.


Wow, hey glad to help!

Hope you're having a good day bro!


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Premise: I'm going to crosspost with applechan until this place doesn't get enough traffic

Why is love so important for mankind?

All in all, is not such a fundamental thing in our lives. Most of us probably spend more time watching stupid videos on youtube or masturbating than talking with their lover and having sex with him, so it's not a problem of boredom. Biological needings as well can be easily satisfied by occasional sex or whores. Emotional ones with strong friendship. And there are more serious problems than love: it's not only in the rich west that people base most of their problems/neurosis or even psychosis on love. Even in places where finding something to eat and avoid dying of malaria should reasonably be the most important thing to worry about, still people gets mentally ill mainly cause of relationship problems.

2 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


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If you Love something you care for it. And if you care for it you want to protect it and keep it in its state of being. You cant be human without love, apathy is a disease. Its essential for our state of being. Thats why people may forget their immediate needs for something that seems so trivial.


>Biological needings as well can be easily satisfied by occasional sex or whores
Biological needings as well can be easily satisfied by hand.
Millions of people live like this.


We like attractive things. Now society has become urbanized, we see attractive people everyday. Fashion has turned loose with yoga pants and short shorts.
We see pornography with the most mindblowingly erotic content possible. Everything you could want, you can find on the internet.
There's also the societal pressures. When your friends and siblings have lovers and you don't, it reflects poorly on your ability to socially interact and find someone willing to be partners with you.

That about covers it, I think.


Having sec isn't a necessity to living though, it's a desire.


is this a nat meme?
desire = sec

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Hey Alice,

I'm going to visit Tokyo in two weeks but last week my depression increased, I resorted to self harm, my best friend is no longer looking after me now she has a boyfriend who reminds me of traumas of the past so I try to avoid him. I'm going to see a psychologist next week but I already got antidepressants, this is my first day and I feel very weird, a bit hyper and I've been posting random soykaf in a group chat.

I am not sure where I am going with my life.
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Have you tried Baldrian tea? It soothes the nerves, helping with anxieties and mental problems and thus symptoms caused by it like nervous heartbeat or bad sleep. Unfortunately I don't have any experience on its effectiveness as I don't have any mental issues, and the one person I know that does refuses to take anything other than pills.

You prepare it by putting 2 tea spoons into cold water, 1/4 liter. You then let it sit for at least 12 hours, but it gets more effective when you wait 24 hours. You take 2 cups, 1 in the morning, 1 in the evening. You can also take more, eg 2 in the evening if you have sleep problems.

If you are in europe chances are there is a herbal store in your region, but they often don't show up on google maps. Alternatively, you could try ordering it from the internet.


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>going to visit Tokyo tee-hee
>my depression
>self harm
>Telegram chat

what have this place become…


A translation for all the non Japanese-speakers:


does it help?


I haven't tried it.

I tried to reason with these people but it didn't work, so I moved to my parents place for the rest of the week.

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I fell in love with a girl. A gay girl.
Does a cute bisexual boy like me have a chance?
Bonus: she's my gf's sister


Typical hentai plot. Everything will be decided the next time you bathe together.


get your brother involved and have a foursome


nah he's got to get his sister.

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