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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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For the past 3 years I have gone out to socialize 2 or 3 days at maximum. I used to have a girlfriend, some friends that I used to see time to time, but now it feels like a different life. I don't have any social media accounts tied to my legal identity (I don't even upload profile pictures to messaging applications). I am not complaining because I chose this, my life goals require me to control/numb my social drives and focus solely on improving my skills. I have been trying to cope with major symptoms (depression, being prone to addiction) through meditation/mindfulness exercises. Loneliness also made me more perceptive, I am better able to analyze situations almost like a computer, but it also made me more self-centered, less sensitive to others' feelings, like my brain's neuroplasticity starts to adapt being lonely and surviving on my own. But I am afraid, what if I lose my mind and start doing retarded soykaf? What I am doing is already retarded soykaf in a sense but what I mean is I don't want to cross over to the la la land, like drawing pictures on the wall and soykaf.

What about you Lain? When was your most loneliest time? How did you cope? What were the effects?


I am at my most loneliest right now.
I just got out of a terrible relationship that started out great. Now I'm left with nothing but my ex's criticisms which keeps replaying in my head and had put me down for some days. I also haven't had friends for about half a decade. Before I quit my work, I used to drink at the pub which was conveniently placed just beside the office. I'd talk to the bartender and sometimes I'd talk to some patrons who I don't personally know and it'd be my 'socializing' for the week outside of work.

Some years ago, I came up with the notion that I was actually a horrible person due to all the mistakes and misdeeds I've done. So now I'm even more reclusive and have been unable to forgive myself over some of those things. And since my ex has left me, like I said earlier, I'm not only left with that ex's criticisms, I'm also left with my own criticisms of myself, as well as the doubts of approaching an age where everyone has families.

Being lonely for so long has its pros and cons. On one hand, I get to enjoy more time to myself and I really love the serene feeling of being alone. It's quite peaceful and lovely. On the other hand, I'm missing out on a lot of social events that I feel like I should be at least familiar with and have attended at least once: marriages, births, all those other social gatherings.

Having said that, obviously there's nothing else to do but pick up the pieces and start again. I've learned a few coping strategies that I'm now trying to adapt so I could live a little better this time. One of those is to keep busy, which I've done via programming again and watching movies (recently Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre and Nostalghia) as well as exercising. An anon told me that I have to start being compassionate to myself so as to forgive and accept myself which I'm really trying hard to do. Hopefully, doing both will raise my self-confidence again, and I'd be able to face the world again.


>An anon told me that I have to start being compassionate to myself so as to forgive and accept myself which I'm really trying hard to do.
Yeah, that's also what I understood from your writing. It seems like you are punishing yourself in a way, maybe subconciously you are thinking that you are not worthy of all those good things. Mindfulness is a great remedy but I also suggest seeking therapy to find past trauma points in case they exist and you are not completely aware of them. Because there is a big difference between voluntary and involuntary solitude. Hope things work out for you.


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>what if I lose my mind and start doing retarded soykaf
you probably won't if you keep your mind in move and use your intelligence, but I sometimes talk to myself when I'm alone.

What I'm trying to do is to obtain my own personality. I'm trying to disconnect from everything, live as natural life as possible and only get information which seems practical to me, good books and educational videos. I think if I'll work out my own personality and clear line of conduct it will be easy just to stick to my own ideals and keep moving, so insanity is no more fear to me.

I never had real friends since my childhood, so for 12 years I had Internet friends. In the last few years I came to realization of how much empty and senseless it is. I dropped them all. If a person really matters to you, it brings nothing more than suffering - it's like you look at a person through a thick glass. You can smile to each other and wave a hand, but in every other aspect you're helpless; you're not even sure if a person is really smiling in reply most of the time. If you meet in the real life it can be even greater disappointment.
So that's how it is. We have what we have, all what remains is to keep moving.

>How did you cope?

You cope with your own reasons and thoughts. It's hard for me to formulate them even for myself no matter how much I'm thinking, not that I could make it plain for another person. For me, most of the other people advice were useless. Such advice is either clearly rubbish people say to disclaim responsibility but never stick to it themselves, or it does not have a history behind it and its development is unknown. Every reasonable thought has to have premises to work, this is why facebook images with short quotes are laughable on the Internet and this is where books have their biggest value.

We all have a burden of our misdeeds and mistakes. A horrible person never feels the guilt.

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idk just coming on to say that I was once in trouble with the mother of my girlfriend, she wouldn't like me coming over to play, we ended up chilling at my place since both my parents worked night shift, did this fuck me up because we would hang out every day til 5am at which point she would sneak out the window since my parents would be in the house at that point.

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After graduating high school I became a neet for two years. And then I went to a university unwillingly because of my parents forced me to do something with my life. I failed to pass the first grade twice. I didn't even have the balls to tell my parents about that. I am twenty two years old guy with no talent . How somebody recover from this? I have no self discipline no self care, I don't have any hobbies except playing vidya.
I don't want to drop the college and start working at mcdonald's but college is not for me either.
I don't know what to do with my life. I just want to die at this point but afraid of hurting my old man even more.
10 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


>detaching from the big picture and its big problems, and making progress here and now.

Not the person you were replying to but it is incredibly hard to do this. It isn't something that can just be done.


I literally just did it a few weeks ago. All it takes is limiting time and immersion you spend in virtual spaces where you can have a profile picture, a name, identity or a state, and following simple rules regardless of efficiency while you're not in virtual spaces.
Note that virtual spaces can include stuff like your diary, or the safe closet you hide in when dad's mad.



If your here and now problem is something of an either/or choice, that is a big decision for your life. You can't progress past that decision oftentimes without making it. it is the immediate question on your plate, which choice should I make? Your immediate choices are often intertwined with the larger picture in such a way that you can't just do smaller decisions without living with the bigger picture consequences of them.

If your decision is something simple like, being depressed and wanting to get out of bed and do chores that day, that is all easy incremental work. But when you have a real big-decision that you are grappling with, that contributes to big-picture problems. You can't just work at it one step at a time as easily.


I see your point, but I think that works the other way around as well.
>Your immediate choices are often intertwined with the larger picture
Most often they are only intertwined loosely. You can just apply again next year. You can put in extra effort to become part of that community / leave that community after all. You can get back in shape. You can get an abortion. You can move to a new town. Most of the here and now small decisions do not project into something final in the big picture, you change the direction - it won't be as clean as it could have been but who cares.

Also my use of "progress" may have been unfortunate, as it implies a clear goal or direction. My main point in >>2862 was that you don't actually want a big picture. The loose and ambiguous way most choices affect the big picture means you can just follow simple heuristics in regard to small here-and-now choices and be fine. You don't and shouldn't have a clear image of what "being fine" is, criteria you have to meet to be fine, to be successful, to be happy, to be "there". Just follow some simple and sane rules that allow to make small decisions, and let the world and its big picture happen, understanding its out of your control. If you are not feeling fine, you can try messing with the rules or just making a few random choices.


If college is not for you, don't sign up for the McDonalds job yet. Try to enroll in whatever your country's version of a vocational school is. It's more hands-on than college and in usually 2-4 years you will have graduated with a respectable well paying job.

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Where are you supposed to go when you're feeling suicidal but don't have any ideation?

Telling my family would worry them too much as I'm not actually near ideation, and calling a hotline feels like overkill for the same exact reason. Yet there are definitely days when I catch myself wishing i was dead in favor of dealing with what are comparatively petty emotions.

It's an intense feeling and when left unchecked turns into ideation; checking it by myself while possible isn't satisfying and certainly isn't comforting. I'd like to turn to someone else, believing that talking it through with someone who loves me and won't belittle my experience could help.

How / with whom do you talk about wishing you were dead, before it turns into ideas about how to kill yourself?

>inb4 on anonymous image boards

>inb4 op can't inb4
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>why not talk to your friends, wherever they may be.
From personal experience I would not recommend it. To their mind it is basically a suicide threat — my relationship with that friend has never recovered. Some other friends may know that I have been suicidal or have made attempts but not in any meaningful way. It's not right to burden them knowing that they will never understand or that your desire to end your life runs contrary to their desire for you to live. It's not so easy when people are faced with the serious thought of death, especially if you're not old.
>Also, provided you don't get the police called on you, I cannot see why calling a hotline would nt be a fine idea. A nice chat with a sympathetic soul.
Not only is it difficult to open up to a stranger there is also the fact that you know they have no investment in you or love for you besides mere sympathy. It's not an easy place to help people from, and you can tell because most despressive people would rather be supported by people who love them. I'm not against it but I understand why they can be disliked.

Parental relationships are extremely layered and can also be quite complex, especially when it comes to the parent's sense of responsibility. The fact that they would be "worried" about you isn't really conducive to good handling of the situation that is genuinely positive and supportive.

Just keep in mind that when you say you want to kill yourself most people will just take it as that, they won't see how you came to that conclusion or the depth of emotion behind it. Posting about it has become so passé it means almost nothing to anyone.

He's not wrong though, just that it makes no difference if they can "handle it" or not. If you force a situation where there can be no positive outcome then no amount of feeling good about themself will change anything.


>>2195 Just sounds like you are depressed. Consult a therapist or doctor


OP, sauce for pic?


>To their mind it is basically a suicide threat — my relationship with that friend has never recovered
I'm gonna counter this personal experience with my own. You never know how people are going to react to something like this, and you do absolutely deserve support, what else are friends for?

Just be cognizant of what it means to everyone you involve, be honest with them and yourself and make sure nothing is taken out of proportion. Everyone hears the call of the void, some more than others, but we're all in this together.

Gambate, Alice!


saucenao is your friend for stuff like this.

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Get a bicycle, nameless! If it's far to the interview, don't work there. For many reasons. Be present and loving in life. -_-
4 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


What kind of bike do you suggest? I have a soykafty old BMX, actually been looking to invest in a nicer bike for awhile.


> massive hills
> terribly kept roads
> weather from hell
> worst motorists in the country
> ridiculous rates of injury and death

In spirit I support this thread and when I lived elsewhere I rode a bike 12 months a year, every day if I had to walk more than 10 blocks. Not here unfortunately.


that is really unfortunate :(
I have started riding my bike almost everywhere, I live in a pretty small town so it's doable. Still when it gets hot my ass gets super wet and it sucks. Need to start wearing less cotton on hot days.


I think this question depends enormously on details of where you will be riding.

Ive often had mountainbikes, but then I've often lived in places like >>2843 where I kept to steep, muddy, and hilly trails to stay off the motorways. If you live somewhere with nice bikepaths, maybe a roadbike would do you better.

Either give better details or do you own research)


I feel like there's a lot of ways to go, and I don't know if it would increase or reduce urban sprawl. On one hand, people might be more willing to live farther away from their place of work, but at the same time where you live would likely affect who would hire you. I also think there would be an upper limit to how far people are willing to travel. Paid or not, a three-hour commute is a slog.

It all depends on the corporate response really. If it becomes a factor in hiring, where you live becomes just as important as your skills and experience, so we might see denser cities with people not willing to sacrifice their chances. If commutes aren't a factor, we might see inner cities thin out. With the cost of commuting away, but the cost of inner city living still present we could see suburban sprawl explode.

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Is anyone here a loser? Share your experiences.

>dropped out of uni

>working min wage until I retire
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I'm not sure if I'm a loser or not. I have some friends but I barely spend time outside my own room. I'm still at university and it's going well, it's the one thing in life I'm happy about


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>abused by parents
>soykaf grades in hs so have to work min wage
>weak, skinnyfat
>social anxiety
>0 friends and no internet life either
I just play games, watch animu and other escapism things. I am not unhappy to be honest, I am used to this type of life.


>>2792 >>2799 >>2850
You're too pitiable to really be called "losers." Being victimised is really awful but it means you haven't been responsible for your own situation, making you the most deserving of help. If there is hope left in you I really wish something good would come of your life and that you'd find some happiness somewhere. If not then that's fine too, I can't really have any expectations of you. I just don't want you to suffer any more than you have to.


Y'all Blooms


you are right anon. yeah, I guess we aren't "losers", it a "tough luck" kind of situation

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Any experiences? How does it feel to be there? How's it like?
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i almost forgot: they give me all kind of bullsoykaf like antipsychotics, benzos, anticonvulsants, liver-protectors. But i was dependent on SSRIs at the moment and they didn't give me that and didn't allowed someone to go to my home and get it for me. They didn't even try to taper me down, just cold turkey down to 0 in one day. It's a really bad WD, constant suicidal ideation, hellish anger, constant partial seizures in my brain feels like someone is electrocuting me…


I was there when I was a ward of the state. They put me there because the orphanage was full. pretty much everything here is true, except the staff would often beat up kids out of camera range, especially ones that were from the orphanage because there wasn't any parents to ask questions. Only caseworkers that's hands were tied.

They will insult and demean you, and the larger staff if you talk back to them or scream at them back they would grab you by the back of the head, trip you, and then grind your forehead against the hospital carpet till your bleeding and then write in your file that you self-harmed. They would also take you into a room that was locked with electromagnets and the walls reinforced with screws and plywood and keep you locked in there for hours. One of the ways they would get kids to comply would be by pinning them down and contorting their arms in ways the bone doesn't allow. I still get random spasms in my shoulder if I move my arm in a certain way.

If the doctor didn't like you he would put you on a pill called 'REMERON' which made the kids who willingly took it black out. like literally just out ounce it kicked in. Sedate isn't a strong enough word.

The private hospitals are not as evil as the government run ones, and staff in the private ones don't generally put hands on people unless a last resort. The government ones hands were put on kids any moment they got. The staff even jokes about it amongst themselves.

The food in the government ones is some kind of cross between pig slop, astronaut food, and prison slop. The eggs for example where always green due to the way they were made. It was some kind of powder than you added water to and heated.

Because of the rampant systematic child abuse going on they were always short on staff. Especially when an 'investigation' was going on. 80% of the staff would quit and then would all get re-hired when the investigation was over. During the low staffing time a lot student-doctors would intern from colleges. This didn't last long because the students would quit as well after witnessing what was going on.


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I have been involuntarily committed 4 times, each one for 5-7 days. Same behavioral health hospital every time, which mixed both the voluntarily and involuntarily committed. There were 3 separate floors for the 3 major problems. 

Group 1: Addicts trying to detox. One of the worst subsets of normal humans. Impulsive, loud, trashy, criminal minded people who ought to just be in prison. 

Group 2: Violent/borderline retarded psychotics. These are the most far gone you could say. Many do things like try to fight orderlies, soykaf themselves, drool on themselves . The psychos are just there because they skip medication and end up doing something that gets them hospitalized. I understand why people would want to be off something as mind dulling as anti-psychotics, but I guess certain types can’t be left alone without them. Underwhelming and uninteresting people though, if you buy into movie stereotypes about mental illnesses. A disproportionate number of these people were black.

Group 3: Depression/anxiety/suicide attempts. My group every time. Unfortunately the most normal of all with the highest concentration of self checked in. Boomers who got cheated on, anorexic succubi, that sort of thing. A disproportionate number of these people were women.

Everyone always hated me. The first time I went in I tried really hard at group therapy despite how much I hated it, as I assumed it would get me out earlier. It didn’t matter at all so I never participated again. People saw me as weird, callous, and uncooperative. Any time I talked, I seemed to say something too harsh or inappropriate. The medical care is also awful. One doctor per 25-50 people that sees you once a week for 10 seconds to lie to your face. I only encountered one person I liked who I later found out was in for holding his own son at knifepoint during a police standoff. From my visits I have concluded that involuntary commitment only exists to get you back on medication and to set you up with a doctor for the future. If some nurse talking to you like a baby is going to persuade you not to kill yourself you should just go to AA or make a friend. 

Worst of all sex happens in there.


Glad to know I wasn't the only one who suffered physical abuse from a government run psychiatric.
It breaks my heart knowing that these kind of establishments won't ever correct their behavior, they just want more kids in for more money.
This is what our taxes go to.



This reminds me of my own experience, but we were all three groups rammed together in the same little space. Fun times.

I was a "voluntary" comitee, in that they offered to get a judge to commit me and I figured going along with it would reflect better if anyone digs this up on my record. Only one actual interment though, for less than a week.

From what I could glean it seemed that (for many people) a big part of the reason to put anyone there was to get them on medication, wait long enough for the meds to take effect, and keep an eye on them long enough to address any serious sideeffects. Not so for everyone of course, but for a lot of people. My interactions with the doctor were very brief and useless; all they had to offer were drugs, and I was fairly stubbornly in the opinion that I wasnt going to take any drugs, and in the end they let me out having swallowed not a single pill.

Some of the technicians were fine, very nice, respectful, sympathetic. At least one I got the impression had an experience being in such a hospital as a patient. One was pretty spiteful, especially against certain patients (it was mutually deserved, from what I observed).

There were visiting hours, some people used them, I did. Time was a little limited but you could get at least an hour, my memory isnt perfect. There was definitly some courtesy as far as privacy with your visitors (could get one of the techs to let you outside even when it wasnt normally scheduled type of thing (but they'd still watch)). Outside of course meaning into our narrow concrete yard with double layered fences the height of two and half men. Not great but what do you expect.

Overall was an interesting experience, I dont really think it had much effect on anything for me directly, but I think it may have been a call to attention to some in my family.

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i think i want to go mute. not permanently, just for a few months. still talking for things like academics, but i write, i don't have much verbal needs irl for money. i don't know why i want to do this. not depression perse, almost a feeling of purging? have any of you gone mute or considered it? i don't know what input im looking for, but im curious what you all have to say. :+)


Tried it when i was a kid; couldn't do it in school but tried on family and everything else. Family kept forcing situations so i would speak and i gave up.
It is hard to do but if you manage it some speech habits can be erased. You may be able to think more and better too, at least that is the feeling i had but as i caved in very quickly there was no actual change.


It is a kind of purging. Purging from cultural framework. It is like not reading anything for a good month, really improves your eye sight and gives you a new angle. Wider somehow.

Parents will often speak too much to their kids, rather than just showing. Explain too much, etc. In this sense, speaking can become a way to escape loneliness, or to give importance to your little needs, making up stories and all. It's like a food, imo we feed off it too much.

To just shut up for a while, not have this need or desire for conversation, things may get wider somehow …

I see words as the only sounds in nature that only have one meaning.

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There's a girl in my class that I really don't understand. I really hate her and her friends, because basically they're just a bunch of delinquents. She doesn't do any homework, doesn't wear our school uniform, does makeup and looks like a sculpture (thinks that she is pretty, but she just looks like a clown), asks if I have any cigs just to bully me and there are so many more. She doesn't enter her classes most of the time and last week when there was a roll call, she wasn't in the class. Afterwards she just replaced her number with mine and I was going to get suspended because of her. Our Principal noticed that and there was no problems, but I'm just full of anger now. I wrote a petition to the school, I'ts been almost 2 weeks since I wrote it looks like principal doesn't give a soykaf about it because they are tired of that girl. I am actually angry about this and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it because they don't listen to me. I really don't get people. It's okay if you don't want to come to class but why would do something like this? She did bully me a quite while ago for a long time too but it's all supposed to be over. I don't understand people, how come someone can't have the ability to think logically? It really shouldn't be so hard to use your brain, or think at least. She doesn't even have some common sense. As I keep seeing people like her, I just think that if we don't give them what they deserve, nothing is going to change and we won't be able to step forward. I'm just disgusted. I can't deal with this anymore.
What would you do if you were in my position? Or have you encountered something like this before? How did you deal with it?
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oh boy ive had to deal with lots of these during school though i never got bullied by one they certainly are a menace why even go to school at that point just take your soykaf drugs by the service station


Women live in a different reality for a good portion of their lives, until they are no longer sexually attractive. There's nothing you can personally do about this case unless you want to spend all your time and energy being vengeful. In theory you could set her on a different path in life if you went completely psycho and fucked her up, but you would destroy your own life in the process. Maybe that's a nice revenge fantasy but it's absolutely not worth it.

Don't waste any more energy thinking about her specifically. Use the anger as inspiration toward constructive outcomes for yourself. Does this inspire you to want to live a certain way to avoid people like her? Or to have power over people like her? (Arguably still not constructive, but it's certainly better than petty revenge)

Maybe you should spend more time thinking about the problem (ill-behaved people - especially women - who are rewarded for their antisocial behavior) and write a book or come up with intelligent solutions to improve society. We as a civilization are desperately in need of possibilities, because we are being overrun and shat upon by millions upon millions of people like this: inconsiderate, cruel, "powerful" by virtue of their influence over others (especially women over men).

Or I suppose you could get religious and hope for justice in the afterlife, but that's a long time to wait for satisfaction and none of us know conclusively how things work over there, if at all.


Your time and mind are too valuable to be wasted fixating on people you think are lost cases, you won't see them ever again when classes are over I reckon so why worry.


This it was so hard for me to take this kind of advice when I was OPs age, but in reality it couldn't be more true. There are a handful of people who were my best friends, the rest are nowhere to be found. You won't ever hear from any of them ever again.


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>I just think that if we don't give them what they deserve, nothing is going to change and we won't be able to step forward. I'm just disgusted.
You live in an ivory tower if you think that petty annoyances like these are the real problems in our world.

>I can't deal with this anymore.

Are you still getting bullied? Just tell a teacher or something.

>What would you do if you were in my position? Or have you encountered something like this before? How did you deal with it?

I have been in your position. I used to think that I was rational and that everything would be fine if people just followed the rules. I grew up and then realized that the world is a messed up place and trying to set things "right" is impossible.

You are better off ignoring this soykaf and improving yourself. If you are as logical as you claim, then you know that your sense of justice is holding you back. You are smart enough to figure out how to get others to stop bullying you, which probably means improving your social skills.

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When I watch movies, dramas, animes or anything like that, when it ends, i feel very empty and kind of jealous.
This usually happens when I'm watching something about mental problems, love or things that are usually bad for self. I feel very empty and sad when I watch those things because I can relate very hard, or that I want to relate but I can't, and thats when I feel jealous.
When the main character for an example has very bad grades, bad parents, a completely trash life, it completely affects me too. I just feel like the main character at that point. I start to question my life and my purposes more than ever. I don't hate it, I actually find it weird that I like it when this happens.

I told some friends about this, and they said they couldn't even relate to me in any ways and called me a weirdo.

When it's about love, i feel way too jealous because I know that I can't find love in any ways, I didn't even actually love someone before in the first place. It makes me want to love someone, but that never happened-it never happens. And I have very heavy trust issues, thats one more problem there.
They just make me stare to the wall of my room for hours. Sometimes I even consider killing myself because they make my life seem very poor.
Or I just think things like ''Oh man what if that was my life! I would totally kill myself if I was in that situation, and that would be very awesome.''
This. To a character that has a veery soykafty life and surroundings. And I like imagining it very much.

I guess I'm just too jealous in general, and hate my life, the list goes on.
I'm starting to repeat myself so I'm stopping here and asking this, has anyone felt like me here?
3 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


I feel some kind of emptiness after some content that i like too, but that's kinda different from you. It's like some part of me is now gone and i will never be able to have the same awesome first-time experience with it, but no jealousy whatsoever. And these situations when i just stare at the wall… i actually quite enjoy them. It's like an opportunity to rethink something about myself, but now with the author's experience.


Sometimes i feel like this when listening to music like I want to be able to relate to the themes but I can't because lots of them i never experienced, because of a relatively empty life, but I wanted to say that I can understand and relate to what you explained here.


I guess art can serve either purpose; share something we identify with and relate to or convey something we have no experience with as a means of sharing that experience. The second of these is probably harder to do effectively. That's why so many pop songs fit into the first category, and are boring cliched drivel… the things being expressed are real but so universal, there's no shortage of people listening who have felt that way. But music like that is often a little too safe to be interesting.


I feel the same way about most stories, I'm jealous no matter if it has a happy ending or tragic themes.


I can relate to you, OP.
I think we feel empty after we finish something since we don't know what to do after that, and also knowing that we might never be able to feel the same emotions we felt through the process. It really hurts.
Another thing is feeling jealous of the soykaf that happens in the character's life. For me, it's not only of the good things but also from the bad things. I feel that getting through those bad things gives you a feeling of self-growth, that's much more better and fulfilling than carrying a monotonous life.
>I just feel like the main character at that point.
This may mean you have empathy. As >>2608 said, the idea of a movie is making you feel as the protagonist. But relating to a deeper level is not intended.
> I start to question my life and my purposes more than ever. I don't hate it, I actually find it weird that I like it when this happens.
You also have self-awareness. This one will always fuck with you, but will help you out if you are willing to do what's needed.

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