/feels/ - personal experiences

>>898
Most of my day involves navigating the world for some concocted betterment of some concocted character that I play in order to:
a. reach solitude at the end of the day, which, once finally attained, i dont know what to do with so I probably soykafpost and smoke and drink and occasionally have profound thoughts and longings, and
b. reach a point where I can afford perpetual solitude on a property in the woods which, once finally attained, I fear I wont know what do with and will probably soykafpost and smoke and drink and occasionally have profound thoughts and longings, but this time until I die.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote lain, the social debt, the old and new, the nerves and reflexes. Sometimes I have to force to remember that all the greatest men, those who changed the world, were just men. nothing more. Even if I dont find a fulfilling way to "be great" and affect the world, as it is definitely not owed to me in any way and doesnt guarantee happiness, at the very least I can find solitude and something beautiful to look at. A somber reflection of suffering and wonder and beauty which just might justify not dying for a little longer.

Stay frosty alice.

>as after we start talking, their own personal drama and problems suck me in

What do you mean by this? Do you mean to say that they simply try to complain to you about their problems, or do they actually make you an active participant in their drama?

If the former, that's only natural. Friends and acquaintances do often complain to each other once they've opened up to each other, seeking sympathy or relation of similar experiences. But it's understandable that you don't want to have to deal with that.

I don't know what sort of drama they're trying to involve you in so I can't really give much advice until you elaborate.

For example , a girl I met that seemed nice ,has a boyfriend, who dosn't go to the same school, and she gave him my number and hes been texting me of all the things I cant do or say to her. That was fine, just annoying but now when I talk to her I later get a message from her boyfriend of him saying something I said to her wasn't ok in some way and now I don't want to talk to this person If all I say is just going to be reported to some guy,but I cant ignore them since we have classes. Another example being that this person I met just wants to rant about how hard their life is and make excuses about their short comings. When ever I try to open up I can see that they just don't understand and they just try to change the subject or nod along as if they did. Not to mention all the people in question are failing a majority of their classes or are behind and it makes me feel like Im just going to get dragged down by being around them.

>>891
>>893

It sounds like you're meeting the wrong people then, in my opinion. Sorry to hear about the girl, though: that boyfriend sounds very controlling, to even have the girl in question give him your number. That's just a breach of privacy I could never excuse.

Don't feel discouraged, though! You only have to deal with them for a few more weeks, and then you're free to walk out of those relationships. Especially the latter. I knew a close friend like that and I hadn't realized how soykafty of a person he was until recently– he sounds like that guy you're describing to the tee. He constantly put others down as a way to make up for his own shortcomings.

A good piece of advice I've heard is that whenever you make an acquaintance, ask yourself: do you feel encouraged or good after you finish speaking to them? Do you feel as though you've gotten something from interacting with them? If not, it's a relationship not worth pursuing.

There are plenty of good people out there who share your interests and will happily hear you out, Alice. It can be a matter of trial and error, but I firmly believe that you can find a good friend given you search around enough.

>>894
Thank you, Im not the best with people but I wont give up on trying to make connnections

I fear the question might hinge then also on the definition of mental illness. in its use in my experience this phrase is often used simply for individuals who do not conform to the speaker's expectations of normalcy, hence to the average individual, any mass killer is implicitly mentally ill, its quite simply impossible to voluntarily do certain actions without mental illness.

that said, this is more a definitional take than was hoped with this thread…

'society' sadly seems to have a rather messy definition on what is 'evil' and what is sanctionable. in war, many acts against ones enemies are tolerated or even celebrated, these actions would not be tolerated in peace. How are people able to commit such acts in war? This is doubtless the same answer as how they can commit them ever.

>>881
That's precisely what I was getting at. I think we're both on the same page there. Mental illness has become the scapegoat that we sacrifice in order to feel humanity isn't really so bad after all. All they have to do is make such extreme manifestations of evil into mental illness, and then those evils just become an anomaly, something we can write off as having nothing to do with ourselves and our own nature.

As for war, that's one of the ugliest and messiest areas of morality humanity has to deal with. What could justify war? What responsibility does a soldier bear in an unjust conflict? What responsibility does the citizen bear for refusing to help a just conflict?

The truth is we have to make decisions that conflict with the natural order as a means to combat the worse offenders. It's wrong to kill, but not when that means stopping that individual from killing or raping. There are certainly evil choices to be made, but when the option is kill or be killed, which should you choose? The same goes for soldiers. The top brass are the ones that declared war, and becoming a quaker to get out of combat is just ensuring someone else takes your place anyway, and when you're on the battlefield the reality is that there are people actively trying to kill you. Neither side has the luxury of judging the conflict as just or unjust - they do what they can to remain honorable even in the disturbing circumstances they find themselves in.

Touching on the subject of war actually isn't as much a digression as I was afraid it would be, now that I think about it. What we find permissible in war is actually a good I sight into what we define as good and evil, and the atrocities that can be performed and thought of as justified when we convince ourselves that all is fair in love and war

>>878
Correcting societal ills isn't communism it's from the Enlightenment and the founding stone of criminal law since two centuries. But it isn't about finding scapegoats such as "intolerant society", which is a low-brow use of morals to feel power, which ironically is itself deviant. Anyway the perfect society can't exist since nothing is permanent (including society, which makes it ephemeral on at least two levels). And don't worry because despite capitalism selling soviet keychains for a quick buck, pure communism is dead except on the internet, social democracy is back at the spotlight it deserves. Now yes, I think finding excuses for mass shooters for instance is a case of dehumanization because you can't have worth without responsibility. These men want to be hated. But it's up to us to avoid thinking what they wanted us to think and falling in their trap, and to understand WHY they wanted it in order to prevent the next Rodgers to act according to the same behavior.

>What I'm saying is that a lot of the worst atrocities of mankind aren't as simple as societal influence or mental illness, effectively absolving the perpetrator's responsibility for their actions. That the horrors of the Holocaust, or Soviet Russia, or Sandy Hook aren't just the results of a sick mind or sick society. They're most certainly affected or even pushed to the point they were because of them, but at the heart of it lies the corrupt nature of humanity itself, I think.

In a way, yes. When you don't go up, you fall down. Men are sick and sadistic when they feel no connection to their subject. Industrial states like Nazi Germany used overregulation, fear and gregarism to keep their scarred (two "r") citizens in this primitive state, and used them to serve their political power. The best example was the atrocities against civilians in WW2 in Europe and Asia, because soldiers didn't categorize the civilians they murdered as human. There is another illustration more relatable that I feel is not so innocent: in videogames, the glee with which people usually play around with and kill NPCs. We could think this is just because they aren't alive and thus but if it would be the case, people wouldn't get mad while taking a free hit from some mob (and games would be way more boring).

In a way, I would say that without consciousness, men are the ePost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>884
>NPCs
this is also well manifested in many many other areas, hunting, animal agriculture, no small number of young children have made a game of torturing and killing small insects. a person who kills a goldfish by accidental neglect is perhaps absent minded and shouldnt have pets. a person who kills a human by accidental neglect, is likewise regarded as a criminal.

>>883
>the top brass are the ones that declared war, […] and when you're on the battlefield the reality is that there are people actively trying to kill you

yes totally.

it seems a large part of running a war is making your soldiers fear the consequences of not fighting, that putting your own life at risk, and that murdering other individuals, is able to be construed as a logical path.

but this creates a very sticky situation I feel like, in unjust conflicts, and with many soldiers.

a random conscript who was told they were either going to become a felon, and face a long prison term, fines, and the stigma and misery that goes with that, or to fight for some cause they find troubling, is perhaps somewhat justifiable; they know this war will happen with or without their cooperation, perhaps they can try to do some good even in the chaos, and their life is ruined in either outcome.

A soldier on a battle field, is also justified perhaps in killing; they are standing in a place of extreme danger. there are people nearby with the means and intent to kill them. And they have the means to defend themself, and their friends, from this immediate danger.

but what of say, a professional soldier or mercenary? A person who has made a career of participation in wars, who has joined a military out of perhaps a bit of patriotism, and a mix of economic strategy, or simply interest in the area of work?

It seems a far harder class of person to grapple with, to me in any case.

on one hand, well, there is lways the argument that wars aren't the fault of the individuals, and the individuals could not stop the war through their absence. They need an income just like anyone else, and frankly some militaries offer some very nice boons to people who work for them.

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>>887
>Sorry, that got a little ranty I fear
No worries. It's a lot to unpack for sure.

Obviously it's easier to justify an unwilling conscription, be because they were - well - unwilling. But the thing is even a willing soldier is there to help their nation and their community, and they don't take it upon themselves to feel above it all and decide whether or not it's justified. I think their is a sense of fighting for your loyalties and I can understand the idea that responsibility lies in the governments at war as opposed to the soldiers on the ground. I bring this up because I wasn't just talking about forced conscription, but a very real hierarchy of responsibility.

A decent parallel I think would be attorneys in the field of criminal law. The prosecutors prosecute and the defenders defend, regardless of whether they feel the accused is innocent or guilty. There's a very real sense that it simply isn't their place, and they're simply fulfilling the roles that must be played with as much honor and dignity as they can manage in the situation.

At the end of the day, someone has to decide whether the war is justified or unjustified, and maybe it's for the best that each soldier isn't making that decision themselves and leaving the military force in disarray.

As for mercenaries, I think that's a pretty murky area. There are certainly right and wrong reasons for becoming one, but that doesn't make it entirely good or entirely evil. Since you mentioned patriotism, I'm assuming you're also talking about career soldiers in their own country as opposed to just those selling their services to the highest bidder. To which I'd say there's a certain respectability in dedicating your life to furthering your status in the military of your own country, because it allows you to gain competence and influence over how your country conducts its war efforts.

It means you can actually change the outcome for the better when a war is unjust, and be of utmost competence when it most certainly is necessary. The belts and pullies of the machines of the world we live in will continue to spin and whir with or without us, and sometimes I think it's better for one to participate in the messy nature of war in order to do good than to turn up our noses in disgust in order to show the world how "righteous" we are.
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>>817
How did it feel?

>>816
I dream about just leaving my countless issues behind me often. Going somewhere where there is no cilization. Then I realize that there's practically no land where you could freely do that (not that I know of). Everywhere you go you have to be registered and pay your taxes, not that that's bad, it's just not for everyone.

What I'd enjoy the most the break from the internet or media in general. I waste too much time on that stuff.

There is a geeman word for it: Fernweh.

"This gem describes the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. It’s kind of like a reverse homesickness (Heimweh in German), a longing for a place that isn’t where you are right now. Fernweh is also a frequent reason for people in Germany to go on holiday. "

>>879
German*
Fix'd.

>>880
>fix'd
lol. There's an English word for that: fixed.

Seriously though that's really cool trivia so thank you

Are you on a timeline to graduate? If you dont pass the class you'll probably need to take it again anyway. Can you get tutor help? Maybe ask your professor?

>>845
I haven't figured out when i wan't to graduate yet. Ill try to find a tutor and I already talked to my professor, He told me to study with other people instead of studying alone.

>>846
Does this actually help? I always studied alone.

>>847
It helped for the last test

>>843
Depends if you care about GPA, If you just want to pass and get it over.

However, you would have to keep it above 60% which at this point is a uphill battle.

My advice is drop it and retake it later, that's what I had to do :[

That's it. I dropped school.

>>753
..or die trying.

>>810
gz

>>751

Im going through the same thing to OP, never give up.

Symptoms match clinical depression. It could be neuro and/or hormonal, but I have an inkling that it's due to your environment. I suggest you go get CBT from an accredited shrink, and that you ask yourself some serious questions about what gives you joy and what you want to do with your life. In the meanwhile, you may as well make yourself some hot chai and get a book to read in bed. It's a good temporary solution to anything.

>>833
I love you.

well.

the worst is when its something that hits you totally unexpected. some random peice of music out of nowhere, some person, turning a corner on a street and just, noticing the light playing through the trees in that one way.

I had bad nostalgia for a long time, this past year has been hard. longing for things often that never were but for things that felt, possible. within reach. but no more.

the music that once was nostalgia inducing to me has been replayed so often that its qualities are lost. memories replaced and overwritten so many times. sometimes I still find things that hit me unprepared, and its a brief panic before I regain calm.

I dont know if this is healthy. it probably isnt. but then again, what is?

>>828
That's not quite the nostalgic feeling I was thinking of, but our emotions are all connected and intertwined after all so I guess I shouldn't be surprised it can be such a negative experience for some people.

I think what you need are memories worth being nostalgic over. Something that makes you feel…content.

>>828
the autumn weather abruptly reminded me of what had happened to all the promise of the previous year. It was more than i could handle.

i guess my nostalgia is underdamped.
the music that used to remind me of good times now reminds me of (me listening to it to remind me of )* good times.


>>832
／(x~x)＼
hey, my memories are worth anything:
it doesn't make it less painful to think that there all that's left.

>>839
I didn't mean they weren't worth remembering, I meant that they don't give you nostalgia in the sense I was thinking of. To me, nostalgia is more than just reminiscing, it's…aside from impossibly hard to explain, it's warm. Contenting. That's what I meant to say

The autumn season is nostalgic for me. I could stand outside in the autumn cold on a super cloudy day for hours, doing nothing but thinking and standing and just existing there. It's not so much the colors or the holidays, but the weather somehow makes me feel peaceful and at ease.

Rainy days are more conventionally nostalgic: I end up thinking about where I lived back in elementary school and how the rain looked on the driveway with the big tree in the front yard looming over everything. I have a specific memory of me looking up at the cloudy sky and a raindrop fell into my eye; it was the first time anything had gotten into my eye without me freaking out about it.

On a bit of an unrelated note, I find that, more recently, I've been desiring to sit in the corner of a big, dark room that's slightly chilly. I've never been in such a room before, but I would want to curl up in a dark corner and just daydream for hours without needing to worry about the real world and my responsibilities. The fall season makes me want to turn into a little kid. Could also be the schoolwork piling up on me, though. Sleep deprivation has consequences.

I'm in a similar situation my two options are :

1) go to grad school at the old ass age of 27 therefore continuing my trajectory of never growing up. I'm a gay otaku so things like family and kids don't mean soykaf to me.

2)go back to office life and pick up a nice senior/manager position in a tech or finance company. I'll hate my life myself and coworkers but I'll have $$$ to buy all the gucci at the end of the day.

At the moment I'm banking hard on 1. I just hope I can get to a slightly less disowned state with my family and get on their dole for the remainder of my education. I feel like a lot of the pressure in 'growing' up is related to getting married/starting a nuclear family; being a kid feels pretty reasonable for anyone who eschews that for other (probably lonelier) alternatives.

>>791
> failing college

my best friend (literal genius) has failed it twice and is now finally doing it right on his third try. Some people move at different paces, and priorities aren't always where they should be when they need to. Don't be hard on yourself but if it's important to you, it's a reasonable goal and you should finish, otherwise fuck it it has no bearing on your intelligence future or (most of) your goals (no professor life 4 u).

*i hope im as aesthetic teaching quantum to the billion chinese here -_-

>>791

To me, it's look like you didn't had anything happen to you that helped you grow. What i mean is you didn't had any "Triggers" events that made you grow as a person.

First, stop seeking people attention. It's a toxic behavior for you and others. Secondly, fix your soykaf by clearing your life, what do you want, what do you seek etc. These kind of question are often self introspection that you need to do and do it honestly.

I'm the complete opposite of you, being a kid/teenager was the fucking worst.

>>791
>I realize I'm slowly starting to change and what I used to find "awesome" back then now feels a bit boring. I (deeply) don't feel like I'm concerned anymore by this stuff and this is a change that terrifies me.
Now you're making sense. Still you should identify your circle of concern and interest then, if anime and video games aren't it anymore, you'll find something else if you look. No point doing things you don't enjoy, now is there? Expand your horizons, maybe that's your solution. Here's a webm semi-related.

>>792
>that pic
that's japanese dumb fucks

So,
>don't want to be unsuccessful
>don't want to be conventionally successful "wageslave"
>don't have the initiative and/or tenacity (and/or, possibly, 'opportunities') for Life As Choose-Your-Own-Adventure to achieve nonconventional success

Really I mean ya gotta consider your options
Every day that goes by without moving towards SOMETHING positive, your body and mind are rotting and the first option is overtaking you all on its own

"Not to choose" is to choose—the default (which can only be the remotest approximation of success under limited circumstances such as rich parents who won't let you fail, exceptional talent and social skills or ingrained/habitual work ethic)

So do you want to change your lifestyle or not? If you want to change then get a goal and try to set it. It might be to get more hours of work or to get a car. It doesn't matter as long as it is realistic. Also try to find more friends. They make life seem less mundane.

>>812
The friends I have are probably the most important people to me in my life. But if you mean for the sake of having something to do then I can see what you mean. I've been meaning to reconnect with a couple of people a bit closer to home, but reconnecting is generally harder than connecting in the first place.

I honestly didn't intend to make this thread all about me, but was trying to use my life as the context for the "solution" I presented, about making sure you stop for a minute to take a deep breath and actually experience what's around you. To break that "auto-pilot" mode of routine and rejuvenate your life, your motivation and your inspiration

I wish that worked for me. But it seems to be but a fleeting moment, gone in an instant.

It just strengthens the question "What am I doing with my life? Is this really what I want? What do I want?".

Am I doing it wrong?

>>822
I don't think you're doing it wrong. I think that if we're honest with ourselves, we know exactly which questions we should be forcing ourselves to answer, and that can come to the surface whenever our lives are quiet enough to hear it.

Maybe your mind's not letting you rest without answering those questions because it doesn't really beliepve that you deserve it. Taking these moments in your life isn't only about smelling the roses - it's a good opportunity to do some much-needed self-reflection, and maybe, when all is said and done, you can really appreciate it.

If it's really that unbearably present in your mind, try some music at the same time. It might just be that all you really need is a powerful catharsis to finally clear your head

Hey Koyama. I'm an obedient student going through this kind of soykaf too.
I don't really have any advice and I'm afraid I'm not much good at support, but I'd be happy to talk to you if there's anything you want to discuss. Doesn't even have to be relevant.

I guess if we're doing nicknames, you can call me Ofelia. I'm not usually good at consistent identities within the wired, but I'll try.

>>802
>>803
not sure if that may help, but i usually just drop out of the soykaf asap. have done that twice already, going to see how deep i can fall next.
as some wise man has said, "life is too short to do things you don't like"

>>804
I want to call this really good advice, but I've been a NEET before and despite having many things that I wanted to learn and unlimited time, I could not bring myself to do any of it. It was rare that I even had the drive to play RPGs. I know it doesn't speak highly of me that I need to be ordered around to actually do anything, but thats how it is. I would love to be able to spend my time studying stuff and creating art, but the reality is if I try applying myself I just end up beng a huge soykaf and doing nothing all day. Thats not to say school is something I consider worthwhile, but doing something is probably better than doing nothing.

>>802
Are you still around?