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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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Who's most important to you? People like to be cynically self-centered and only look out for themselves when push comes to shove, but what about you, Alice. Are you the most important part of your world or is someone else?

I don't buy this philosophy of doing whatever makes you happy and that's it - I believe in self-sacrifice for the sake of those who love you, which is why, for instance, I disapprove of suicide. I like to think that I won't fall prey to my own utter cowardice if those I loved were in danger, but who knows? I'm weak just like everyone else on this planet.

Do you live for others, Alice, or do you roam the streets of life on your own?


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I think the world is most important to me but I think mostly about myself and my place in it. I believe in self-sacrifice, the potential of the human race, I approve of suicide and think nihilists are cowards in the face of absurdity.

I will likely live alone by preference and foster no child. I have respect and love for my family and the blood in my veins and value friends immensely, but ultimately I would like to work hard on finding how I can contribute to the endless potential of the human race (which will inevitably carried on by the children of men, the ai) rather than simply procreate.

Above all else, nature.

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Ok, the thing is this:
I've been well, then pretty sordid and now quite ok with quite some impulsivness.
What I dont quite get:
Is it ok to live separate lives: one being admired (and told repeatedly), very straight forward pretending to be someone else (to myself included) working toward higher goals.
Another one living off short lived stimulus chasing the next one?
It's really taxing to live both. What would you do? I tend to embrace my "2nd" personae but what is once lost might never be regained.


Don't forget you have no "real" persona. If you play a "role", it means at least a part of you is that "role". If you ditch the open part of you for the hidden one, you will not feel better.
I'd say, try to find a compromise between the two. Build an outlet for impulsiveness in your daily life. Try to use these bursts to propel yourself and reach goals you sincerely believe in. Don't think too much.

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I start writting this post knowing that nobody will decide for me, but I feel I need to say this to アリスちゃん.

Im a college student (computer engineering). Last year (3rd year), I failed every single subject. This way, Im going to be (surely) dropped from university for 2 years.

I am feeling like I've been having a misconception of life-work-social.
I don't need to be VERY GOOD to get a job. Just being normal and accurate with the job specifications is OK for having one. Now thats ok for me.

I want to live in Japan.. for that, I would need a (VERY recommended) university degree. But I don't think I would even care. Because I would be ok if I work in a factory.
The point is that, anyway, I will be giving 8h or some more, to a company or job. Doing what Im good for (computers), etc, OR working in a repetitive job like a factory, I will end up throwing that 1/3 of my day.
I don't care the money, I don't care if that repetitive job is boring, I dont play games, I dont need a car, Im ok being saver,…
I wouldn't care.

Im good with languages (I really like japanese and I understand it naturally although Im still N4~) but I'll surely need to perform some kind of academic course of it. It would be neccesary for the CV -> Interpretation/Translation jobs. <- 8000$ <- Work.

This 2 years little stop, would be used to learn more, or work, or get driver license… Im don't like that kind of idle life, although I had a really bad year.

Let's say I get a job in a factory there (because there is no visa issues). Just living, paying everything,… 1/3 of the day for sleep , 1/3 for work and 1/3 for personal time (studying jp, computers (im an IT guy, undstand I need to learn more of this everytime xd), )
Let's say that 65% of my wage would be for the rent of the house, 20% bills and food, and 15% for me.
I would be happy for that but it would be really unstable economically.

I didn't want to ask anything really, ……… maybe I just need to say this to アリス。。。
So I would like to hear your experiences if similar.. Thank you.

With Love,
For Alice.


From what I've heard it's hard to get a job in Japan as a foreigner, even manual labor jobs they prefer to hire natives. Without a degree I'm not sure what you could do, you might be able to get a job as an English teachers assistant but I think you usually need to have a degree in something to be considered.


I have non-native friends there. They told me that there is always job and its easy to get one from a factory. He doesn't have degree and doesn't speak jp (N5 or lower level)

Its factible.


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>doesn't care about type of work
>doesn't care how boring is the work
>doesn't play games (I assume you're covering any and all hobbies/pastimes that take up significant time and energy)
>doesn't care about pay, willing to live as frugally as is livable
>plans to spend all or most personal time on language learning and training for the job

>wants nothing more than to live in glorious nippon

With all due respect, and without wanting to discourage you from living the life you choose….that soy is kinda fuarked. Are these really your priorities, Alice?


I did the same some 10 years ago … left my job, took my little money and moved to the EU. I stayed there for 8 years then other places until some months ago. Best experience of my life, a major defining factor of my person.

I found work as a webdev for a seedy porn company. If you're at all computer literate, I'd suggest the same, work is easy to come by and decently paying.

If you can at all quickly exit cleanly (drop out, don't fail) from university, do that really really really. The newness of being a foreigner wears off the longer you're there. You can always transfer to another university in the future or reenroll (maybe) or whatever. But if you exit uncleanly, you ruin your life.

Personally, I'd say forget focusing on the language. I found, a large part of the value of a foreigner is in being foreign. You'll never be able to compete on a language / cultural level with locals, you're not a local. But if you capitalize on your strengths you drastically increase your value as a person.

I didn't tell anyone when I left, I just got on the plane and left. Not my family, not my friends. That was a mistake. I think, everyone would not had approved, but in the end ultimately accepted … and having that support is the best.

I think, it is really important to sit down with yourself and really examine exactly why you want to do it and then be able to vocalize it to others. I felt once I had done that, it made my life much easier. Even stupid reasons such as "grow as a person" are OK, but it is a great milestone to be able to clearly articulate where you are in your journey.

Lastly, I found that the first year, or 2 years were amazing. Years 2-3 were meh, then bad. Many of my fellow foreigner friends had the same experience. But your experiences are your own.

Have a good time.



>>doesn't play games (I assume you're covering any and all hobbies/pastimes that take up significant time and energy)

Im not like that xd

>>wants nothing more than to live in glorious nippon

It would make some of my dreams. But Im not that kind of obsessed person.
The point is that I wont be different giving 8h/10h /day to a company working in software or with other, doing some basic work. So, since I don't really care about money, and I'll give X hours daily to a company, I don't really care other things..


Really helpful. That experience is priceless. I'll think what you said. Thank you.

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How much of your "self" is here on the net? We all have different personas, particularly when you go online, but sometimes it's like most of "me" has moved to cyberspace these days
2 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


I'm pretty sure I didn't make this comment
but I can't tell anymore

If your only traces on the internet are throwaway accounts and anonymous posts on image boards, do you really exist? Your messages, ideas, experiences, yeah maybe, but do you? Do you hate yourself this much that the fantasy you play online is simply, of nonexistence?


I'm more concerned about how much of myself was externalized from the start and projected onto me through media consumption than about how much I externalize online.



What I mean to say is every once in a while I'm surprised at how much of my self-expression and personality is revealed through my online personality, and when interacting IRL I very nearly forget that the people around me see a different "me" then the one I put forth on the Wired. Differences in behavior and attitude that don't reveal themselves in the same ways as when I'm on the net


I'm obviously "me" no matter what, but my outward expression in the world seems to be manifested more online than around my physical body


People often take on a different personality in the Wired. It's not uncommon to be completely opposite than you are in real life.
My online persona is similar to my real live personality, but I'm definitely different, but I don't know how to describe it.

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Yesterday I posted about my mental break on my trip and I got some advice from people. My friend picked up my pills for me and I took it about an hour ago. I still feel off but it's okay. I appreciate you guys but I've been struggling. Not only with my Schizophrenia but with extreme social anxiety and depression. (A.K.A the edgy teenager starter pack.) I love my friends, my siblings and even through all the stuff I've been through with them I love my parents. I love games, I love the tress, the grass and the sky. I love this fucking forum. I love everything about the world. I don't love myself. I don't love hallucinations. I don't love feeling worthless. I don't love looking in the mirror at something that I hate. I don't love my medication. I don't love freaking out on camping trips. I don't love thinking about how easy it would be to just vanish. This forum is full of people. People whom have helped me time and time again. People who have made me laugh. People who have made me cry. People who have tragic stories. People who have amazing lives. People succeeding and people failing.

I don't feel like living. I won't keep on living. This isn't a cry for help. This isn't me trying to garner sympathy and pity for how bad I got it. People have it worse then me. People have it so much worse then me. I so glad those people can find the strength in them to keep on going. They are heroes to me. This is a goodbye. To a forum of people. A forum of people whom I love and care about. I hope all of you. Every single one blossom and flourish. You've been one of the best parts of my life. Thank you all for allowing me to apart of your lives and thank you for being apart of mine. Goodbye everyone. I love you

Just another Alice
15 posts omitted. Click reply to view.



>I never said it was because they gave birth to you. Because it's not just them. It's the people that you chose to become a part of their life and the people that likewise chose to be a part of your life. You wove your ties with them and your mixed up in their lives. It's not just about you.

And you don't owe them soykaf. It's even more egotistical and ego-centric to hold someone to ransom and manipulate them emotionally into existing just so you don't feel bad if you're not blood related.

>Besides, the argument that everything adds up to nothing in the end means nothing matters at all, including morality. It doesn't matter if you're a saint or a serial killer, and there's no such thing as evil.

Now you're getting it. Nothing matters other than filling your existence with things to take your mind off the fact that you are going to die and everything you're doing is pointless. There is no such thing as evil. It is a social construct to make it easier for us to live together. Think about everything that was once morally acceptable that isn't any longer. And things that were morally unacceptable that are now morally acceptable. Morality changes as society sees fit to change it.


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Keep loving the trees and the sky. I will keep loving the desert.


We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I'm done bickering over someone's corpse.



>We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

I'm not. You just don't have any worthwhile argument.

>I'm done bickering over someone's corpse.

The OP isn't dead. They're too much of an attention whore. If they were actually done, they'd just go about the business of offing themselves and not make a song and dance of the thing.


Don't open two threads, if you want to blog, there are better platforms for that. But don't go about spamming the community

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So my parents died 3 years ago. I was 21 at the time and my sister was 12. She came to live with me after they died since we don't have any living relatives. The first year was really rough. We cried a lot together and I tried to be there for her. She seemed to get over it in time and since then she's been doing a lot better.

About 4 months ago I heard her talking to someone in her room. It was nearly 1 am so I was curious on why she was still up. I put my ear against the door I just heard her faintly say "I love you too Daddy." I know it's weird but I assumed she may have been having an inappropriate conversation with someone on the phone so I went inside and found her talking to a picture of our father hanging up on the wall. I asked her what was happening and she just said she was "Talking to Daddy." I wasn't sure what to do so I left her alone and hoped that this wasn't something that she's been doing for a while. I've overheard her talking to the photo multiple times since then and I'm genuinely worried. My family has a history of Schizophrenia. (I personally have it and my father had it.) She's never showed any signs before and I'm hoping that she's just still having trouble letting go of them. I'm worried to take her to a doctor or therapist partially because of the cost and partially because I don't want her to feel abnormal or weird. Any advice on what I should do?


Talking to yourself through grief is common; however, Schizoid related disorders tend over roughly 6 month period.


Get her to a therapist. Even if it's not schizophrenia it's a good idea for her to talk about her grief with somebody.


That doesn't necessarily have to be a mental illness. Maybe it's just taking her longer to accept her parents' deaths. Even so, I do agree with >>731 since it's been so long and she should be speaking to someone about it if it's really affecting her.


How about you stop guessing around and trying to decide reality based off two or three external data points, and just talk to her about it until to find out if she's just talking to the photo to make it feel like she's talking to her dad, or if she imagines and perceives a real tangible live person in the room without being aware of doing so.


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ah, gosh, that's really hard

maybe you could go see somebody together? you could tell the therapist what's up when you're fixing the appointment, and it might be good for you too, talking through some things

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Day to day im just thinking about "Is there a reason to live?"

Even when i put my mind together the only thing i can think of is that im just another useless person on this world who is not going to do anything to this world to change or just to make it better, with that i dont really see a goal to live other than just checking stuff only and just waiting for "that" moment when everything goes black, what do you think about it lains? is there really a reason to live even if you dont achieve anything?
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theres no such thing as "better"

because for everything there is an opposite force in place.

we live in a temporary arrangement and it's nearly impossible for one man to significantly change reality nowadays.

it's a matter of statistics.


>because for everything there is an opposite force in place.
>it's a matter of statistics.
Gonna call you out.
Regression to the mean means that outliers will be diluted with things, such that the average tends towards a mean value or trend.
Statistics says that there is no magical opposite force to counter your work, only the average of everyone's work will make your greater-than-average contribution just a drop in the bucket.
Now, is that drop in the bucket significant? That's another topic for the ages.


There likely is a meaning to life, a reason to live, etc. Nihilists are likely wrong. Their mistake is likely in their confusion of 'cannot be expressed' with 'doesn't exist'.

The world has things beyond human scale - for example no single human being alive can imagine seventy billion different human faces at once and keep them all in their head. There might be engineers who can create machines that can do it, but that's not humans. The machine might somehow assist the human by putting the images and keeping them in his head, but that's still not the human. Currently existing, non-fictional humans (that is, anybody alive on this planet that might have an opinion on the meaning of life) are simply underpowered for the mental task.

This does not stop anyone from making guesses, or produce guesses based on methodologies that convince them and other that the result will be the actual thing. Some guesses might be close and prove reliable most of the time. This includes the guess that "there is no reason to live", because there is plenty of cases where other simple reasons fail and thus support this one.

Overall, it is quite likely that there is a reason to live, it's just not possible to name or know it.


Is that still a reason? Doesn't "reason" imply that it can be rationally understood?


Read Albert Camus, the absurdist.
He philosophized about this in detail.
Embrace the Absurd

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I have a severe case of schizophrenia. I've had hallucinations since I was a child but when I was 6 I was prescribed medication to keep it under control. This was all fine when I was living with my parents but I moved out 3 months ago. I ran out of my medication two days ago. Unfortunately I only found this out when I had gone out on a camping trip with my friends. (I hadn't told my friends about it. I find it extremely embarrassing and hide from as many people as possible.) I ran out of pills 3 days out of the 6 day trip. I held it together on the fourth day but on day 5 I had a real bad reaction. I had a nightmare about me being trapped in my room as it was slowly flooded. Once I woke up I felt an oppressive weight on my chest. I got up and got dressed. Everyone was already up and were sitting around eating. I went and sat down. I knew I had to tell them and I kept opening my mouth to speak but I just couldn't get wind out of my throat. I needed to scream. I needed to run. I felt like everything was closing in on me and I saw the fire slowly creep outwards catching the kindling on the ground on fire. Then the chairs. Then my friends. I knew what was happening I knew that none of it was real. I scream. At the top of my lungs and just got up and ran. I ran for what felt like an hour. When I stopped I didn't know where I was. I wanted to keep moving but I just couldn't I just laid down. I cried for a while and the next thing I remember was was my friend shaking me. (Apparently I had fallen asleep.) I managed to stumble out what was happening. They brought me back to camp and one of them drove me back into town. She brought me to my apartment and helped me inside. I told her I had pills in my apartment and that she should go back. So she left me with a small goodbye and a wish of good health. I don't know why I lied to her. I didn't have any pills in the apartment I needed to pick up my prescription. I fell asleep and I woke up about 3 hours later. It's been a while since then but I still haven't left my apartment. I feel scared. I know something will happen if I leave. I'm just scared. I need help. Please any advice would be appreciated. Thank you


wow dude. Sounds like one of my sleep paralysis episodes.

If its just bad dreams however maybe you could come off the pills?



Can't you ask a friend to go with you? Next time think about how much you have before it runs out and it's a good idea to bring extra on trips so if one pack gets lost/damaged you will still have backup.

Don't feel bad about it, tons of people need daily medication.


The only way something bad is GUARANTEED to happen is if you DON'T leave your apartment. The longer you wait, the worse things will get – just like on your camping trip. The only solution is to leave and pick up your medication. I know you're probably terrified that more hallucinations will occur once you leave, so maybe you could call your friend, and tell her you're not well and need to pick up your meds. She already knows you're in a fragile and scared state of mind, so she'll understand why you lied. But, what you need to realize is that staying home isn't an option, and – though it may seem comfy and welcoming in the moment – it's going to make your situation a hundred times worse.

And, yeah, as the other Alice said, keeping on top of your refills is super important. It's not a controlled substance, so you could probably tell your doc what happened and get them to prescribe you a spare "emergency" bottle for times like these.


Your friends care about you, and I know it sucks, but if you can't leave your apartment you should try and get someone to fill your prescription. Even if you don't want to take it you should have them around.

I'm going to be honest, letting people know you have schizophrenia fucking sucks, most people have no clue what that means and treat you like soykaf, but it sounds like your friends are pretty good people, and if you can talk to them they'll probably stay around. For me it alternates between whether I can't stand being outside, or I can't stand being in my apartment, I can at least tell you you don't want to start losing it in your apartment with no way to leave or contact anyone.

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How do you endure being a wage slave Lain? I don't know how I can continue like this
7 posts and 3 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.


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Drink and smoke lots OP, it helps.

Fug I want a youth allowance


I've been feeling this super hard lately. I walk to work and genuinely entertained the thought of getting hit by a car just to get out of going to work for a couple days.

I don't even hate my job, it's just the fact that I'm required to spend so much of my time in one place doing the same task I've done for the past two years. The monotony is soul crushing, but I feel like to some form of "commission work" would be too unstable for me to comfortably rely on.


i don't want to be homeless, and i don't want to leech of my parents. do you really need any more motivation than that?


Being homeless isn't that bad


Wait what.

I'm assuming this is homeless but with connections for food/shelter as opposed to just homeless?

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Does anyone else turn to Anon for comfort?
If so, where do you find them?

I don't ask for much.
I just wanted someone to talk to/at who might listen sometimes
and maybe even care.

Did anyone else rely on mebious?
I don't know where to turn since they both went down..
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I never really had any friends. One of the few that I did have killed themselves last November, a couple of days before my birthday. It kinda' made me realize that since 2013 or so all I'd done was post on chans. (I dropped out of college around that time).

It's late 2017 now, coming up on the anniversary of their demise and still nothing has really changed. I'd say anons have been there for me but I haven't really spoken about it with anyone.


>I haven't really spoken about it with anyone.
feel free to speak. I'm listening.


I used to, but in the end it's really just a excuse to run away from your life. Everyone needs an escape, but we need to be improving ourselves instead of begging for approval from people who only care for us out of pity.

Every day you need to make yourself just a bit closer to someone that others will genuinely want to be around. If we don't do that then we really will be alone. And worse - we'll deserve it


i'll admit approval is nice sometimes, but mostly i just want someone to have heard me.

>Every day you need to make yourself just a bit closer to someone that others will genuinely want to be around

This is something i never explicitly thought about before.
I think right now i need 2 things:
1. skills like holding a conversation/not making people feel awkward talking to me.
2. figuring out why i have no friends/no one cares.
I think the only way i can do either of these is by spending time with people.
I've been mostly focusing on being in the right situation with the right people,
which, now that i think of it, is probably the best way to improve myself.
I will also try other methods though, now that you mention it. thanks.

If i have to change more than just acquiring new skills,
idk if i want to play this game anyways.


But it is more than acquiring new skills. It means acquiring new and/or improved attributes to manifest from your personality. People skills certainly help(and that's one of the biggest factors in attracting people), but it's more complicated then simply ticking off the boxes on a skills checklist.

You just have to remember that learning relational skills does change you as a person. Changing yourself only seems so astronomically daunting when you forget that learning those life skills, while not the end goal per se, are the first steps and most of the work involved in accomplishing your goal. We are what we do in a profoundly fundamental way.

Keep your chin up, my friend. We all like to calculate these things to death but we have to snap ourselves out of it if we want to get there

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