/feels/ - personal experiences

I know this isn't a journal, but I don't have a place or person to say this to without looking crazy…

I'm 20, I've been dealing with some inner-conflict with myself since middle school, just a continuous discomfort with what's around me and just a bit of myself, I was mostly bullied throughout middle school but coming out of it, the feelings of discomfort grew, but I don't feel crazy about it.

I know I won't hurt anyone or myself, I feel in control of my mental state especially after years of therapy I've had. I can't even hurt flies. After those years, I've managed to find a line of work that I'm proud of, I'm starting college real soon and I didn't think I'd be going to college in middle school, I've managed to find myself with a group of friends that expand beyond just a few dudes at work, I feel cared for, but when the euphoria of being around people finishes up, I can't help but to notice how not only my own environment in California is just spiraling out of control, but it genuinely feels like America in general is spiraling out of control. It's not the "SJW soykaf", it's not the "Racist soykaf", it's not the "Trump soykaf." (Although, I must say a lot of our liberals get incredibly overzealous, this is not the root of the issue for me.)

It genuinely feels like the cultural discourse, the acceleration in our economy (which can hurt me personally knowing that I can be classed out of my city real quick), the inequality that seem to be forced in some cases, the consistent peeking corporate America does into our lives, it's all reaching it's violent, gate-kept peak, and as the years go on, it seems to get wackier and wackier. I hear wackier things from some of my peers of the same race, I hear wackier things from others of different race, I don't pay much attention to media, but when it comes to my doorstep, an inevitable happening where everyone is so connected 24/7, it just seems…to get even more senseless.

My problem is I can't tell if this is just the process of growing up, or if I just need anxiety help, or if I'm wrong to feel that it'll soon be time for me to integrate myself into a different country with a different culture. I know it won't be the easiest for any expat, just it continuously feels like this bubbling isn't for me. I'll obviously survive it, but am I choosing to live in stress, am I just unprepared for the 'real world', or is tPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I cant escape it. Even 3 years later it haunts me.
The best choice of my life was to strike back against a bully in elementary school. It wasnt much, just whacked my bag against his jaw and it was pretty much it, some meetings with teachers but no real consequences.
It was the first time i actually stood up for myself. But ever since then ive been plagued by it. I cant stand my past memories of humiliation and insecurity. There were plenty of good moments but ive forgotten them by now, only the scars remain. I havent had contact with any of the people from that time for the past 3 years, but i still cant let it be the past.
I kind of wish i could get into a physical conflict again so i could prove to others and most of all to myself that im not weak and prey for others.

what does Alice do when they feel more sad than normal?
i haven't really had the best day today, hope it's the opposite for Alice.

How do you deal with all of the evil in the world, Alice? I don't mean by doing something to stop it, (but if you do then I'd like to know) but more so knowing that this stuff happens and just being able to acknowledge that it happens and still be content.
I have moments where I can, because I know that there's no point thinking about it or worrying if I can't do anything to stop it, but coming across it sometimes does get to me sometimes.

Haven't you ever felt that everything you're doing is out of some deep, angry feeling you have inside of yourself?

This is a question I've been making myself for some time. Sometimes I feel that I just want revenge from all the pain I've suffered in my short life. Of course it is nothing actually painful. But it still hit me so hard that I still remember those events and I cling to it with passion and ire.

I do not let things go easily. I can already tell that about myself. I've been mad for the past couple of years because of how much I hated being me and how much I hated how things turned out in my life. Yes, I know, I can't change the past, but that doesn't quit the fact that it happened. And I have a hard time trying to cope that.

Once I wrote an article about how mad I was at this so-called god, who created me in a way that I couldn't achieve my highest aspirations. Maybe the reason why I hate the idea of religion is not because of some logic (although there is logic too) but because I hated how people could believe there was someone out there who could help them… and he couldn't help me… or didn't wanted to help me.

I don't know, sorry if this came out as a rant, but I seriously needed it.

Nowadays everything out there screams for happiness and love, and there's no room for raw emotions such as anger.

I would like to destroy everything and start again, but I know there's no way back…

Not long ago my best friend shot himself. I was asleep, and I didn't know until the next day.

I knew that there were warning signs. He had talked about suicide, and just a few days beforehand he had sent me a message, saying he really wanted to talk to someone. I had an argument a few days before and just didn't respond, until he sent me an email that I chose to speed-read, missing the point. At that point, he was dead, that was his suicide note, but I only knew about it after the fact.

It's weird, it hit me hard at first but I had a few hours where I barely thought about it. It's eerie. We fought a lot, and had a few big ones before he made his decision. I can't help but feel like I skipped the signs, and that his blood is on my hands. That is a reality that I keep coming back to.

In other words, has anyone lost a friend? A close one? Or just in general, since I'm not really understanding the roller coaster of emotion at the moment.

hello anons…. i'm having a bad day i have no friends my boss and people i work with screams at me
class no one to sit with or in lunch wish i was loved

So my "girlfriend" just texted me that she didnt have anymore feels towards cause of my clingy behavior.
Any of you anons have some tips to get with it ?
Most of the time i can stay ok but only for a sceond and then it hurts…

I'm scared to create a github account. I don't want my code to be seen and associated with my persona.

Hello lainons
I'm a friend of you from Turkey.
Let me introduce myself…
I'm 19 high school drop out(i graduated it later) an asocial assburger.
I interested in computers science since 8-9 years old.
I don't have friends , girlfriend etc.
I'm studying to university exam this year.
But I don't have a goal.
I don't want to do something.
I know live has a point but i can't enjoy while living.
Most of this problems releated my country probably.
Weird country weird people.
Anyway guys.


I need a goal.
What are beauties of world,sciences,girls etc?
I know life worths to live. I should live because of religional reasons.