I know this isn't a journal, but I don't have a place or person to say this to without looking crazy…
I'm 20, I've been dealing with some inner-conflict with myself since middle school, just a continuous discomfort with what's around me and just a bit of myself, I was mostly bullied throughout middle school but coming out of it, the feelings of discomfort grew, but I don't feel crazy
I know I won't hurt anyone or myself, I feel in control of my mental state especially after years of therapy I've had. I can't even hurt flies. After those years, I've managed to find a line of work that I'm proud of, I'm starting college real soon and I didn't think I'd be going to college in middle school, I've managed to find myself with a group of friends that expand beyond just a few dudes at work, I feel cared for, but when the euphoria of being around people finishes up, I can't help but to notice how not only my own environment in California is just spiraling out of control, but it genuinely feels like America in general is spiraling out of control. It's not the "SJW soykaf", it's not the "Racist soykaf", it's not the "Trump soykaf." (Although, I must say a lot of our liberals get incredibly overzealous, this is not the root of the issue for me.)
It genuinely feels like the cultural discourse, the acceleration in our economy (which can hurt me personally knowing that I can be classed out of my city real quick), the inequality that seem to be forced in some cases, the consistent peeking corporate America does into our lives, it's all reaching it's violent, gate-kept peak, and as the years go on, it seems to get wackier and wackier. I hear wackier things from some of my peers of the same race, I hear wackier things from others of different race, I don't pay much attention to media, but when it comes to my doorstep, an inevitable happening where everyone is so connected 24/7, it just seems…to get even more senseless.
My problem is I can't tell if this is just the process of growing up, or if I just need anxiety help, or if I'm wrong to feel that it'll soon be time for me to integrate myself into a different country with a different culture. I know it won't be the easiest
for any expat, just it continuously feels like this bubbling isn't for me. I'll obviously survive it, but am I choosing to live in stress, am I just unprepared for the 'real world', or is tPost too long. Click here to view the full text.