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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Help me fix this shit.

Kalyx ######

File: 1537930203133.mp4 (Spoiler Image, 442.67 KB, 224x400, 1fa614e80465bd3927913d5c28….mp4)


i dreamed, and lain came
she said, "join me"
i didn't understand
every night she said, "join me", and nothing else
then she stopped saying anything
she stared at me only, but i was not scared. i felt protected.
now she doesn't come anymore
have i been abandoned? i feel as if something has been destroyed, yet i can still sense her presence
mp4 unrelated


in what language did she speak to you


File: 1537996184546.mp4 (683.42 KB, 1280x720, oo'.mp4)

in the actual dream i think was just incoherent noise
either that or it was in english
all i can remember is that what she was trying to say was the phrase "join me" once and nothing else

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ey alice, has been a long weeks after my last post, if is somewhere here, the hour i dont feel good, my ex best friend has been trying to put everyone who i love away from me, his motivation is destroy me, because he do everything in the wrong way, and put all the fault in my back.
now, his girlfriend contact me, thru my gf, we stay away from the world, do our lives away from all that circle of people. i dont know what else can do to put a distance between them and us, i know he gonna try to put away one my best friends, she is very sensitive, and i dont know if she gonna belive his lies, and that is what is put my mind to the limit.
i put it here because is the last space where i can freely.


What are they saying about you alice?

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i been feeling empty, a few weeks ago, i start to hang out with a girl, she is cute, really smart, have a decent job, and we talk about a lot of fun stuff, but she is so insecure about if i want to be with her, or if she is depress i will be by her side, i stay in his home some nights, we sleep together, she is really sweet and shy, but when we speak in chat, she is cold and distant, like…she´s traying to throw me to the side of the road
i start to fall in love with her, and i dont know what to do, this starts to bring me anxiety, and a feel of despair, i cant sleep, i barely eat, dont talk to much with anyone, spend the day playing videogames, or drawing, only go to class, dont spend too much time outside, i smoke a lot, and drink alcohol almost 4 times at week until the blackout point or get enough drunk to dont feel nothing.
i dont know what to do, and dont know how to feel.
thanks for read Alice


File: 1535891699202.jpg (55.37 KB, 640x467, 6e9ff39dcf5ac2779df82624ed….jpg)

>but she is so insecure about if i want to be with her, or if she is depress i will be by her side
>she is really sweet and shy, but when we speak in chat, she is cold and distant
congrats op. you got yourself one with a bpd a.k.a. "when my so gonna betray me/cheat on me/stab me on the back so let's find out by constantly testing him/her and jeopardizing the entire relationship in the process simulation". i mean it's not 100%, but it generally is. i know it from myself, that's why i don't do relationships at all.


The correct spelling is "Emptiness".
This should fill your soul for a while.


File: 1537106084621.jpg (143.78 KB, 960x473, school-cafeteria-2.jpg)

did you get that picture from the album TeenWitch?
i'd been listening to "Cotton" for a while but i never knew what the title was or anything.
i found it in that album when i searched that image.

wierd coincidence

sorry, idk what you should do about your problem though.
i feel the same rn

File: 1506331403773-0.png (7.93 KB, 285x293, Loops_Pre-conditionLoop.png)


It seems my entire life is just a loop of routines changing gradually over time. I used to spend quite a bit of time on lainchan, then with intermittent periods of looping out of it for other habits. Now, seeing the work put into getting arisuchan off the ground, I feel as if I'm destined to miss out on everything. Does anyone know how to break the loop?


You could quit the Internet for a week and see what happens. If not, try to get a hobby IRL and see what happens. To break a loop takes a massive shift in your habits and it takes a while to cement.


maybe you just need a project in your life. now when I say a project I don't mean "paint this one thing" or "write a short story" or "switch jobs". i'm talking something grand and ambitious that you can work on bits and pieces of until you get too old to do it anymore. it doesn't have to be something you want to finish, or even something you're capable of finishing–in fact, it's better that way, because you never run out of it.


a loop has multiple steps. otherwise it's just a point.
what are the steps you find yourself tuck in?
try to insert a break statement wherever you can.

File: 1505008517634.jpg (1.51 MB, 1080x720, picture.jpg)


post unsavory feelings

that sick feeling you get when nothing is wrong and nothing can make it right
that pit of the stomach, light headed stress that not even your favorite drugs can help
the feeling of looking at a girl smile and realizing someday you'll witness youth and mirth on a summers day for the last time
the feeling that you are but a temporary arrangement
the feeling that you are but a drop in an infinite twisting ocean churning and bubbling and then being scattered to the cosmic winds
23 posts and 2 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.


You're stuck in a bad dream
Lost in strange trivialities when you remember this isn't who you are
Have to wake up
Wake up
Why can't I wake up?
What's wrong?
So you give up and wait
and wait
and wait
And you wake up
The sun's pouring into your room
But you don't feel like you woke up at all
Your mind is still back there screaming to be let loose
Wake up
Wake up
Have to wake up


The feeling when you are suddenly thrust into a future you never planned for and never foresaw, not even in daydreams, nightmares, and idle hypothetical wanderings of the mind. When you know you've gone off-script in the most horrible of ways, and there's no way back. When you know with all of your being that this wasn't supposed to happen.


The feeling of two hypothetical solid surfaces pressing towards each other with great force, and slowly being ground up as they slide off each other, millimeter by millimeter. But this feeling is in your gut, between what should be and what can be.


hot feet

getting out of bed in winter
going somewhere and not realizing until arrival what you forgot to bring along
friends moving away and growing more distant
greeting someone and getting a blank stare as reply or nothing at all
people whispering behind your back
the sound of a mosquito in the middle of the night


trypophobic obsession

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Had a good day at work today. Made some progress and finally got the OK to install software essentially as I see fit and finally start fixing issues in earnest. That felt alright. Every week I feel like I'm better at what I do.

But increasingly, I can't push into the back of my head the coming crises I can see coming. Article 11 and 13 are pretty much a shoe in for the EU now. American ISPs are already throttling traffic, I have to pay to not have a 1 TB cap on my to the home internet which costs as much as 90% of the internet service I purchased to I assume pay the $3 of electricity it costs to send my packets that were paid for in my initial purchase anyway.

Those things make it even harder for me to not pay attention to how close the entire world is to breaking. Like someone is chopping away at my sanctuary and making me pay attention.

But when I look around I can't find anyone that seems to know about anything. Even when they do they don't understand the gravity of it all, and even worse sometimes they just don't even care.

Of course I'm not just talking about the internet. Just in America we've got an extreme prison population being trained to stay outsiders in society. A schooling system that fails on almost every level. A failing job market for new and old workers. A completely soykaf health care system that even if you have insurance for many can't be used (due to monetary reasons.) Where it's cheaper to have a giant fucking metal tube fly it over an ocean to get to you (my contacts for instance.) or to just take a trip to another country to the north to get your drugs. Marketing so effective it's effectively mind control. Cities that are built to require you to buy a multi thousand dollar death trap. soykaf housing that costs too much. Recreation that almost requires you to be irresponsible to go enjoy because you have other things you probably should and could be doing not to mention the money you might spend to go do said thing when you could be using that to, if you're lucky, pay for health care or something.

It just never ends. Everything here is made to fuck you over, everyone sees it, but for some reason they can't think beyond their fucking tits to think it isn't mexicans or the republicans or the democrats or the jews or whatever the fuck. It's always this one subsection that's the problem somewhere and everything could be A OK if not for them.

No, fucker, society from the ground up is Post too long. Click here to view the full text.



>the $3 of electricity it costs

i assumed that money was supposed to be for building/maintaining the lines and researching new technologies.

> A failing job market for new and old workers.

The job market for programmers is pretty sweet at the moment.
IDRK about other careers though.

>40+ hours every week for 60 years

are you looking to work till you're 80, or did you start working (40+ hours) when you were 5?
It's probably more like 40 years, like half your life.
Also, you can retire early if you save money instead of spending at the rate you make it.

>We've got enough money to fucking pancake countries but feeding the populace and giving families enough time to interact with each other let alone other families.

< SyntaxError: invalid syntax
i'm not trying to be pedantic; ihdk what you mean.
Are you using pancake as a verb meaning 'to feed pancakes'?…
I hope you are.
Pancake me, plz!
i wanna go to ihop and say that. lol:P

>I know this isn't very easy to respond to.

it wasn't so hard.
i feel like i can trust you to not start fighting me over nothing at least.

File: 1532225835091.png (584.16 KB, 1920x1080, Screenshot_20180722-015727.png)


If you felt like you had limitless potential, what would you devote your life to doing?
13 posts and 3 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.


I do have limitless potential and I will not crack!


File: 1536819833131.jpg (39.74 KB, 900x374, row_row_fight_the_power_by….jpg)


Do the impossible


File: 1536834394234.jpg (81.66 KB, 250x195, superintelligence.jpg)

>If you felt like you had limitless potential, what would you devote your life to doing?
Solve the control problem.


Everything has limitless potential, as everything and any subset of everything is just blobs of chaos playing along with some rules for the giggles. As such, at any moment any person, dog, tea spoon or molecule of calcium oxide could just stop giving a fuck and turn the universe into a fried potato with an exquisite chimney on top.


> a fried potato with an exquisite chimney on top.
what even is a fried potato?
you just fry the whole thing?..

File: 1530870329891.jpg (160.31 KB, 1200x1900, scan11.jpg)


I've been having a tough time lately, I can't cope with depression and anxiety anymore it's been 3 years like this and I just can't go on anymore. I don't have anything worth living for at this point, I feel like a ghost, I think not even my family loves me anymore. It's becoming harder and harder everyday and everyday I hope it's my last day. I don't even have the guts to really commit suicide but it will come, the day I will be saturated with all this soykaf. I'm sorry for bothering you I have no one to talk to I wanted to let out everything
10 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


File: 1530965090721.png (279.53 KB, 500x376, explode.png)

>I have nothing else to do
Then make something up! Draw! Run! Program! Accomplish something! Get off the internet and do something with your life!
Right now, right this second, close your browser, turn off your computer and go for a walk. Begging for validation from internet strangers will only perpetuate your self loathing. Thats why soykaf like /r9k/ exists, and that's what you will turn into if you carry on like this.
Turn off your computer and go for a walk.


Agreed. Get up, fuck your Neocities gifs, do something in the world. Get a job, get a hobby, get a girlfriend, or shuffle off to sob in your cellar forever.


File: 1535604463145.jpg (23.83 KB, 640x640,

I can't tell you it will get better, because it won't. Nothing will change until you do. If your life is difficult you can untangle it but identifying your weakneses and taking effort to improve in that direction. There is plenty literature on the matter, I am sure you already have a to-read list you've been postponing again and again.

Depression and anxiety are states of your mind. And this is something you have infuence over. Start writing a journal and marking your progress.

I can get better. If you do.


why suffer


4 teh lulz

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I'm not sure where to post this… or hell even what to title the fucking thread, but I am very curious if anyone has ever heard of anyone else having this experience or something similar.

So I guess I would consider myself almost completely asexual. I rarely if ever think about sex. I sometimes forget that it is even a fucking thing. That being said I can be aroused. If being touched, kissed, etc. But I will almost never become spontaneously aroused or randomly start to think about sex.

However, when I am frustrated. I mean, when I am deeply, painfully, excruciatingly frustrated by something… I sometimes start to get aroused. I will continue trying to figure out whatever the fuck it is and start laughing about my reaction to it, but eventually I get so god damn wet that I have no choice but to stop. At this point I either have to find my boyfriend if I have one or masturbate if I don't.

Afterwards I can go back to debugging or troubleshooting whatever god forsaken thing it was. I don't know what I am even asking anymore.

tl;dr: When most people get frustrated while programming or administrating systems, they go to Stack Overflow. I get wet. What is wrong with me?
8 posts and 1 image reply omitted. Click reply to view.


File: 1536157853557.gif (39.97 KB, 300x300, its all good1335369054.gif)

Psychologist here. So, sometimes we do things and we don't know why. Most of the behaviors humans do, whether they're considered normal or not, are called conditioned. That means that we only do them when certain things happen around us. Let's say I place an alarm because I have to wake up. I do it in order to wake up and avoid the consequences of not doing so (getting kicked from work because I was late). Now this only happens when I have to work the next day, so I wouldn't place an alarm on a Sunday.

>However, when I am frustrated. I mean, when I am deeply, painfully, excruciatingly frustrated by something… I sometimes start to get aroused.

What you say that happens: you get aroused. Let's say that you masturbate afterwards. Masturbating feels pretty good. Normally, you have other ways of feeling good, like watching TV, reading, etc., but when you get stressed out, you get aroused. This is conditioned behavior. So let's say that the opposite would happen: you stress out but you do not get aroused; what would happen? You probably would stay stressed out in an very intense and lasting manner. Not good. So why do you masturbate? To relieve the stress. Simple. Why masturbate and not going out with your bike or to the gym? (1) It's very easy, more that getting ready to take the bike (getting dressed, pouring water in the bottle…). The premise is that this worked for you once early on, and you maintained the "habit." So that doesn't explain getting aroused. See, in order to masturbate to obtain relief, which is something that you learned to do, you have to be aroused. This is important, because what you need to do to masturbate and feel relief is: (1) stress out (feel pain/fear), and then (2) get aroused. You cannot relief yourself if this does not happen. Most people don't need (1), but need an alternative, like being bored. This allows us to understand the compulsive masturbating of people that spend a lot of time on the internet. It feels good, so when the video they are watching on YouTube finishes, what do they do? Remember, they need constant "relief"; so when the video ends, you're not doing anything! Bad: You masturbate. Good.

And that's that.

>tl;dr: When most people get frustrated while programming or administrating systems, they go to Stack Overflow. I get wet. What is wrong with me?

I masturbate a lot when I have to study/review papers. It's becausPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


Yo yo, I understand what this person is saying and I acknowledge most of it, except…
>Nothing's wrong with you; you are a normal, learning human being.
Now that's not good at all. Masturbating instead of going to stack overflow instantly significantly reduces your effectiveness. This is the kind of thing why humans aren't really the best for doing their own work. An android would not get frustrated, aroused, but would simply keep trying on cracking the problem until its reasonable, and then move on to stack overflow when that's reasonable.
I understand why you're creeped out by human flaws OP, but do not worry. Someone somewhere will eventually find a fix for that too.


That means OP's problem is a normal problem. It doesn't mean it shouldn't be changed for better effectivenes or that it's not a problem at all. However, OP would probably be even les effective if she didn't masturbate and tried to check Stack instead.


>MBTI is pseudoscientific garbage.
Speaking as an INTJ, I totally agree.


> Masturbating instead of going to stack overflow instantly significantly reduces your effectiveness

This also assumes that the people who continue working even when they are ineffective, are ultimately more productive. I'm not really sure this is the case, and I'm at least sometimes far better at working when I take breaks and think slowly about things, when I hit walls.

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I feel disconnected from society. That even if I succeed by society's standards, even if I navigate it, I manipulate it and extract the material things that I want, that I am not really a part of it. I am not a real member of society, permanently cut off from my fellow human being, and that I will never have any meaningful union with the greater group.

Am I the only one here who experiences this alienation?
21 posts and 8 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.


Have you had sex? It's a very soothing thing post-intercourse. I'm pretty sure it helps with stress, self-confidence, social skills among other important things for us human beings as social animals. Masturbation simply cannot compete with this; if fact studies have shown that it has the complete opposite effect in teens who've consumed large amounts of internet porn when him/her finally engages in their first sexual encounter.

But this is also the tricky part. In finding someone who you'd be willing to expose yourself to and to be able to keep this emotionally symbiotic partner by your side for an extended period of time. In my experience this type of person, someone who you'd be willing to share your life with basically, sure is hard to come by. Your biology isn't even on your side here, because your libido will pull you in whichever direction there are young, physically developed persons with symmetric facial features. There's a hell of a lot of those and most of them probably don't have a matching personality with you or even remotely the same interests. But say you do find 'the one'. A month in she dies in a traffic accident. Where's your mental stability now? I'm starting to doubt that 'the one' is even a good concept. I did learn it from the dominant culture after all, which I've already found to be grounded in a cascade of problems. Polyamory might be the solution to this predicament of mine. Intimate relationships with multiple consenting partners.

But getting back to the point:
>I can't wrap my mind around why sex would be a physical need.
Ironic, since your dad had to nut into your mom for you to even be able to post that sentence. The same for me. The same for every living human, bird, rat, reptile, fish, the list goes on (the exception it seems being less complex organisms). We're all literally grown-up semen walking around spraying conversations and ideas at each other, concertizing into stuff like songs about love, systems for attaining objects of desire (economics), phallic objects (rockets) intended to leave this already populated 'egg' (Earth) and penetrate other atmospheres to further spread our DNA deeper into the universe (Mars, moons like Europa etc.). That is if we don't manage to get ourselves collectively wiped out before, though. "…"; the universe replies either way.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.


>specifically mammalia

Apparently there are peculiar subspecies in fish and reptiles which have been found to be able to reproduce asexually. I already knew that this occur in insects but upon double-check it seems to occur into reptiles. Mammalia is the break with this, mammalian explicitly male/female reproduction allowing for faster genetic evolution than the reproduction of previous asexual lifeforms.


You are a part of society in more indirect ways. You may not be so big on the systems of people, but I bet you're all about the systems built by the systems of people. I think you are imagining a solid network of strong bonds, something that is beyond you and you don't have. This network doesn't really exist in itself; it just seems to be there when various reasons and needs and goals make groups of people fit together very well in most situations.

that is technically equivalent to a blessed-if-you-do blessed-if-you-don't situation. Please also check whether there's any value in your current situation you cling to that only seems like a value because of an overly analytical thinking process. Chances are that whatever value it is you keep by not integrating isn't an actual value.

The problem with words like 'ethnomasochism' and 'nazi' and 'narcissistic' etc. are that they don't really correspond to real, tangible things. They do not correspond to real people or real views, or anything. There are theories that make extensive use of those words, and the words make sense inside them, locally. Such theories aren't reality, and taking the words out of the theory makes them even more detached from everything.
People do not care that they don't understand the full weight of words or where they come from. They just use them when it intuitively fits just that one sentence they are trying to say. The problem is further made persistent when smartasses who know one theory that employs the word, and try to teach everyone about the 'correct' way of using it.

I guess there is no point in trying to find the 'essence' of it, as so many do. Pretty faces and so help with getting hard/wet and make up nice fantasies (read: plans) for the future. Matching personalities that on their default behavior can avoid fucking the other person up major time help with a long lasting thing. You need to be somewhat miserable to do without the fantasies, and you need that matching personality for it to last long enough to feel like its another person. Being afraid of losing that person could kPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


Are you guys crossing the things you have or lack?
Otherwise I don't understand how a person could have sex without self-esteem, confidence and resources, unless this person is a woman with messed up head perhaps?
By the way, what's the difference between sex and sexual intimacy?


> I don't understand how a person could have sex without self-esteem, confidence and resources

Resources? You can get condoms for free.

Remember Dr. Seuss' sneetches (on the beaches?). Basically the alpha star sneetches wouldn't invite the beta no-star sneetches to their parties. I always wondered, even as a little kid, why didn't the starless ones just have their own party? Find a girl lacking a star like you are, and proceed to copulate.

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