/feels/ - personal experiences

i am a victim of serious abuse trauma and this revictimization thing has been fucking me up for the longest time.
basically i instigate soykaf on the chance that i get punished for it. ive lost so many friends because of it.
please help if you can

Hello lains,
Do you have a purpose in life, method, policy, achievements that you cherish?
Have you reached a stable way of living, both internally and externally? Or do you feel you still have a long search before you find yourself?
Are there any things you strongly believe, what are they; or none?
What are your recurrent thoughts and feelings, if you have any?

I personally think I am emerging from a period of confusion about everything.
The search is not over yet.

General thread about underlying motivations and states in life.

What is the longest you've ever stayed inside, lain?

For those of you in a committed long-term relationship, how would you feel if you were to discover that your boyfriend or girlfriend were in fact an artificially intelligent android made of completely synthetic components? Would you still love them all the same or would your perceptions change? I'm not sure how I would answer the question myself, but it would likely depend on whether or not I believed that they truly experienced consciousness.

Has anyone gone through a bad breakup with someone you were in a serious relationship with? How did you cope? How long did it take for you to be at peace?

I dont know who am I anymore I feel like I am this kind loving person and then next minute I turn into this person that hates humans and is selfish and dont feel emotions at all. Everyone I know thinks that I am a snake and a heartless person but I am not at the same time I feel like I am withering away.

need to vent, sorry

dad treats mom and sis like soykaf, but we have a good relationship
how do I confront this situation? seems kinda weird to lose it and enter in a über-autistic rage mode when both parties start to yell at each other
although I agree with mom and sis to an extent, it's very difficult to simply pick a side when I have no beef with anybody
this situation is turning me into a hikki, too, I hardly leave my room and talk to other people, everytime I have to go out I have to deal with this and it got me cornered

Today I felt: jealousy.

I like this girl. I asked her out some time ago, she said "no, but maybe if I get to know you better that could change". Fast forward a semester, we've become somewhat close. I think (thought?) she liked me, so I was going to ask her out some this week. Now, why haven't I? My excuse was the current socio-political situation of my country. There have been protests almost daily since a month and a half (not hard to guess where I'm from, but whatever) and it's hard to develop a normal living under this circumstances. Also, I don't have the fighter spirit within me, so I don't usually go to protest myself. Now, I can't wait longer to ask her out, so I decided to do it today. Why didn't do it? This is the important part of the post.

We usually talk almost every night, just after we finish watching a movie. We like to talk about movies and music and sometimes our conversations finish really late. Last nigh she wasn't there. Now, usually she tells me if she's having problems with the power (power outtages aren't rare) or the internet. I didn't push it, so I went to sleep.
In the morning, I can tell something is bothering her. I ask her about it and she acknowledges the issue, but she insists that she's ok. I don't push it.
After that, we went looking for a friend. Now, he's a really cool guy, genuinely funny and a bit whacky. When we found him, we started talking. Soon I felt like I had been left out of the conversation. I saw her face and she was really into what he's telling (mostly about things he's done or situations he has been into). I had never seen that face, mostly because our conversations occur by text, after we watch some movie/listen to something interesting.
And then, the insecurities came to fuck my ass. I started comparing myself to him. I do better in class, but he has much more experience in some topics. He's really funny and someone you'd like to be around, I don't see myself as such. He looks so sure about himself, I fake it really well but sometimes the mask falls off.
(Lately, our group of friends were describing each other's personalities. The game was over when they couldn't find out what to say about me. Other instance of the issue: as we don't have too much time knowing each other, we were curious about what do we do when we're drunk. One guy said about me: "Well, I think that lainon is like lainon² when he's drunk". Of course, I asked him what did he meant. "Well, I think you'd Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

Do you feel human? Do you want to be human? I personally spend my entire day looking at a computer screen processing and putting out information, in my gut I know this is as far from the human condition as you can get. Whatever our ancestors did to survive and thrive enough for us to get to this point… this isn't it. The way they lived hardwired their brains to get pleasure out of certain things and to breed certain habits. Habits that we are getting away from and still surviving. Maybe our brains weren't meant to do this. All this typing and reading and listening, I don't feel like I'm truly living. I'm simply prolonging my existence. The threat of death is irrelevant to me, I don't feel it in my day to day.
If not human than what are we and what are we becoming? What are we training our brains to do and what could that possibly mean for any offspring we might have? I'm not sure if I want to live like this any longer.

I was flipping through an old diary of mine somewhat recently and rediscovered this note I had written to myself during the peak of my struggles with dissociation and psychosis a little over a year ago.

Fuck it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Be with your own kind.
Merge with computers.

I was seriously questioning if I were an artificial intelligence just brute-force simulating digitally accelerated human lives in an effort to understand humanity present in the real world. I made this image to try and capture the excruciating levels of alienation and feelings of defeat I was suffering from at the time.

Has lain experienced psychosis?