/feels/ - personal experiences

>>2585
Well, now i want to cry, my throat feels like a tight asshole, and my lungs feels like a balloon being squished by a child.
My eyes feels dry like an desert, but almost exploding on water.

>>2562
looking for satisfaction in your job, or for people to notice what you're doing- not exactly the definition of most programming jobs. Or- well engineering in general.

you've got to find something that makes the week more meaningful- or start looking for a different job

So there are two things at play here, in doing a large undertaking like this with a client you really should have done a feasibility study before you even wrote a single line of code if you are doing this project correctly. If you had done a feasibility study properly you would have realized that you couldn't do what they were asking how they were asking you too before you already got in this deep on the project. That way you could have altered their expectations as the engineer. You should have laid out a set of requirements with detailed plans for how you were going to approach those requirements and backup plans for what to do if they failed. This is what they call 'software engineering' and if you aren't doing this at your job find another one.

Secondly, if you are in a lower position and were either not allowed to give input in the planning stages or were not at the company when the requirements and project planning were being drafted. It really has nothing to do with you, it isn't your fault in any way that there isn't a good design in place for how this should work. And you aren't going to be at all to blame, since the project was designed improperly from the start.

If you are in this situation and someone tries to place the blame on you, quit. Simple as that. Not your problem, you didn't draft the project requirements. And if you go to someone right now and tell them that the requirements are either infeasible or you can't figure out how to do them in the way that was suggested. You can get out infront of the blame by calling a meeting and showing why you think this isn't going to be feasible and why it isn't going to match with the requirements. If you do that, you should have successfully shifted all blame and given them all a chance to weigh in on what you should do to fix the unfeasible project. If after this anyone higher than you like a project manager tries to place blame on you while not putting forward their own solutions, that is a place where you want to quit immediately.

>>2566
first of all i can plan stages of projects which is they can contribute but they dont also i'm studying projects before starting, i'm splitting projects to different parts and being sure these parts can be usable in future projects so basically splitting project to libs and its pretty good thing, generally it goes fine and sometimes i'm a getting phone call and guess what? boss tells me we need to finish until to this friday, my depress limit increases +3 and i need to boost project then i'm starting to soykafting in whole project with many copy pasta and 3iq lines but somewhat it finishes, project works, everyone earns money, everyone happy, until they comes back with new requests with that soykaf hole project.

basically i need to rewrite these soykaf parts and i can't because boss says we dont have time and depress level increases, again, soykaf hole fills and becomes soykaf mountain and they always comes back with these new request and end of this story i told them no more new request say hello to v2 we will rewrite this soykaf.

another problem is they want me to write js, i dont want to write fucking dumb ass js, they want things which is they dont even know how but they want and equalivent of this thing is; image cropper with dropzone and they or boss want it in every project and i did that, i build damn thing but i cant breathe because of reflections and the hacks i did to build that thing, i feel shameful because of these codes i have to write.

they wanted to show some links in site menu which is very normal for a website but the problem is the project has multi language and i already soykaf these parts because of the boost and someone have to build mother fucking thing to manage menu, menu should be nested drag drop so user wont be confuse while managing things in menu, somewhat i built it and make it work, the point of this part is if i didnt built that thing probably boss was gonna write specific queries for menu and we are selling this project to multiple clients so you cant just put everything you want it to project because every client can have different menu

i'm writing these libs for future projects and sometimes old projects comes back and i have no passion to continue these old projects neither write soykafs which is i already write as lib but i cant use because state of project.

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>>2569

All that I am hearing is, you are not tempering their expectations. Also the fact that you played ball with their expectations in the past was a HUGE mistake. You doing that, and finishing the large project by the deadline only tells them that their deadlines were reasonable and that they can give you similar deadlines in the future and expect the work to come in a similar timeframe.

You essentially fucked yourself by completing the project on time miraculously because now they think you can do that everytime. They aren't believing you when you tell them "I can't finish this on time" because you did in fact finish on their ridiculous deadline last time. This tells them that the deadline wasn't so ridiculous.

I would tell you that you should just quit and get a different job because that is honestly not how most programming jobs work. It gets better.

>>2570
you are right, all i did was completely self-destruct, i couldnt realize that because i already so much focused to project so i learned a lesson from hard way

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>>2551
pic related is (you) ?

>>2559
ya, pic related is $100% me, OP, aka .. albert einstein.

Your use of the term 'static' is very common from people who are experiencing Dissociation. Not sure if it helps but maybe check the wikipedia article on it. Sometimes having a proper name to the problem really helps. I wish you luck. Welcome to the board. You are not alone and will always have a friend in the wired.

This is prob soykaf advise, but they are cheap, so - maybe You've got yourself into a kind of self perpetuating loop being locked onto this way of perceiving yourself. Maybe some perspective shift would kick You off the vicious tracks. Then there are self awareness practices which might help understand your fuarking self better. Cause I doubt not You do have it all in You to experience the whole variety of emotions! Get good!

>>2519
>>2518

Thank you so much, i know it's just comments but your help really means a lot to me! I've been looking into dissociation for a bit and I'm going to bring it up to my therapist next week, I'm pretty sure I've experienced it before. I also started trying to change the way I view myself, it's difficult but I'm sure it'll work. And maybe spending more time on this imageboard will cheer me up a little too!

Good luck Alice! Feel free to share your life experiences here if you want to keep the thread going.

I often feel my body cold, tingling like very tiny mosquito bites, it makes me scratch, sometimes hurt myself. My thoughts are blank, and at the same time very busy. I feel like i'm already dead, a ghost in flesh.

For me it relates to sounds of people talking at the same time at a public place, like a restaurant or a school (it can be a chill sound, but sometimes a very loud penetrating mess. Or the rain. Or the feeling of the cars zooming in the street invading your bedroom at night.

In my case, this usually happens when I isolate myself. I value interaction a lot so the lack of it makes me dead. But this is not true to other people tho.

Anyone else has experiences with this 'static'/dissociation numbness?

You aren't the only one, maybe we all want something to blame and justify the way we are.

I've had many depressive episodes in my life. I'm not proud of them, but I can tell you that no pill in the world can "fix" you. It's something you need to figure out for yourself and find ways to beat. Don't be afraid to talk to people about it, not necessarily professional help but even any close friends or relatives. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it the first time but an online friend helped me at the started and it was just the lift I needed to them change my own attitude towards life. Never give up!

>>1767

What does the phenomena have to do with the Baader-Meinhof group?

>>2460
"Baader-Meinhof phenomena" is a term which is applied to people with a certain mindset. It has no more to do with Baader and Meinhof than "Stockholm Syndrome" has to do with a city in Sweden or a "catch 22 situation" has to do with a certain novel. It's just the original example the figure of speech derived its name from.

>>1771
The dismissal of meaningful coincidence as Baadar-Meinhof phenomena, frequency illusion, or cognitive bias is in itself biased, in that it is based on a world view that presupposes information must always behave in a causal manner similar to the physical world that we can access with our senses. This bias is reinforced by the fact that it is most often described in linear terms within a linear language. Why should we suppose that information always behaves in a causal manner when so many observe acausal or retro-causal phenomena? Just because synchronicity seems to be a low probability event that is not easily reproducible doesn't mean that acausal or retro-causal transmission of information is an illusion. It seems to be the case that information does not need to be bound the laws of classical mechanics, unless one subscribes to a linguistically constructed worldview that orders information as such.

>>1766
>Is their a name for it?

Many but the common one is "synchronicity". Coincidences like these happen all the time, especially when we're surrounded by media like we are now, but certain states of mind make us more keen to notice them, or having noticed them make us more keen to think there is something significant going on.

They're a fundamental part of our reality, and they reveal a big part on how reality works. I do think many people here in this thread get the wrong idea about them. "Is it placebo? Is it psychological? Is it physical?" Instead of theorizing, people should strife to understand reality be experiencing it, not to by theorizing what can be, what will be or what was, at the end these things won't move things forward. Of course, sometimes it's important to think about what one experienced, but when one theorizes too much they end up with nothing of substance. An example would be Christianity, where people are passive instead of active, which limits their understanding to a symbolic form only and makes them unable to really see what it means to be "Christian." Christianity is either something that is used to enslave or something really high-level that people who only practice it actively get to understand. Asking, why God allows bad things, asking why God doesn't make people happy, asking why there's evil and how can there be God if evil exists. These are problems of people who do try to view and mold their understanding by passively glossing over things, not by looking deeply at them by experiencing them. There's truth in Christianity, there's truth in Buddhism, there's truth in Hinduism, there's truth in any system that describes a certain set of traits, they all describe parts of the fundamental reality. People who think that Christianity is the only true religion do have a shallow understanding of Christianity, many things are also altered by the church. There's a similar issue with Buddhism, where people interpret emptiness as being nihilistic or empty, which wasn't the intention of. Emptiness can only be truly understood by experiencing what it means "to be empty." Also, emptiness is something truly universal, it exists in any possible reality just by understanding of what it means for something to be empty. Like some other person said, altered states of consciousness are a path to understanding synchronicities and the real part of our ultimate reality, though LSD and drugs, might not be the best way due to the general immaturity people do have when tripping on them, it would be like giving a child a pile of gold and then expecting that they spend it well. That's why I think things like meditation are more efficient, because people there are in a certain mindset and there's a much lower chance of them acting immature, it's like "growing up naturally."
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Threads like this are only good to remind me of my loneliness.

>>2499
this.
hopefully we will all be happy one day!

Thanks Arisu, this put a smile on my face

One hundred thousand citizens on this island and only one hospital. No running water. Tuberculosis is a serious concern. High tech? No. Maybe we are. All surgeons have decades of experience. Using hacked WiFi to keep in contact. Their xray machine should be in a museum. The people here smile bright despite it all.

Back in the city. This place is not so bad. The work is done so I am less frusturated and anxious. Odd stuff today. Met some of the hacker culture of this place. Obsession with Cult of the Dead Cow. Chain smokers. No politalk. Later that night I ate with doctors, clergy and organized crime. The big three ways to get out of poverty quick here. Uncomfort is immeasurable. Will dump full gallery by this weekend.

>>2458
Good stories so far alice. Why do they like cDc so much? Have a good time and stay safe.

You know I am not sure. Out of all of the old hacker groups it was an odd choice. I tried searching and could not find anything really related. I have to figure out what is up with the image upload here before I can post my full gallery.

>>2458
Neurotic followers of a solid cult. Ban on politalk is prob what keems them from being labeled nuts. Much love nonetheless!

My hairstyle has changed over time, but the products I use are a major part of who I am, which is strange because I tend to shun such capitalist thinking, except in grooming.

Dab of brylcreem as conditioner, Byrd Pomade to hold it all in place, safety razor shave with Astra razors, and a splash of Clubman Bay Rum aftershave.

I think its more of how those products came into my life rather then the quality of them.

>>2462
I thave a paradoxical relatiionship with it.
It is very important to me and at the same time i don't care much about it. I care a lot about how i look and hair is to me a huge part of it but at the same time i don't care the hair specifically.
I am never happy with how it is cut and always try new cuts but none work the intended way.

i hate it
its disgusting
but i cant shave it
because i have an even more disgusting
disgusting weird skull shape

I'm getting seriously bold at the age of 18, so I will eventually shave it after I finish high school. Until then I guess I want to have as long hair as I can, before saying sayounara to it.

I have really messy curly hair that has always been hard to mantain. When I was a kid my mother just got it trimmed every time to the bare minimum, and even then I never combed it or brushed it so it was always messy and uncared for. Then as I grew and was able to get it long, it got worse. First because I still never combed it I got it tangled horribly. Then when I tried to get it long again I looked like sideshow bob from the simpsons, and people would yell that to me on the street…. I gotta say I'm also skinny and my hair bulks up and goes in all possible directions and it's impossible to give any shape or order.
Then I got myself some dreadlocks made but they didn't last long, then I shaved my head bald and went like that for about two years, until I left the razor on an ex-gf's house (she sent me back almost everything but the razon, even a Bookcase she had gifted me and now instead she gave it to my roomie) and I started growing my hair long. 6 months after I had a messy head again and my gf insisted getting me a decent person haircut. Now I look actually pretty good, it's the first time I like a haircut I have (besides baldhead, which I used to like a lot too).
I hardly get a chance to wash my hair though.
My hair is a very intrinsic part of my life and experiences.

Do you have any family or family friends in an industry you have interest in? They will be a lot of help. I used to do a small computer repair/IT. Made a lot of money even when I charged so little.

>>2453
>Do you have any family or family friends in an industry you have interest in? They will be a lot of help.
Thanks for the idea. Sadly my parents couldn't help me, i'll see their friends can help me.
>I used to do a small computer repair/IT. Made a lot of money even when I charged so little.
Oh, that seems nice. Maybe i'll find something in this field.

>>2451
i got no job experience but im going to work as a waiter this summer because tips equal big munniez