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/feels/ - personal experiences

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Kalyx ######

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Hello Alice. Me and my girlfriend are currently in high school. I love her so much but she has mental issues that she has wanted to get professional help for a long time. Now is her chance to do so but it will mean she will have to be admitted there for treatment and will miss school for a month and will come home only at night. Im happy for her that shes getting the help she needs but during this we will only be able to call and unlikely to meet in person due to the medication testing she will undergo making her behavior unpredictable and that I should stay away so as to not have an impact on her. I will miss her so much. I dont know what to do in this time. Of course I know I have to just continue to do well in my classes but I will be alone again. I dont connect to people well and have no friends other than my best friend who is my girlfriend. without her is going to be so hard. I feel so helpless and dont know what to do.


Stay strong anon, it's only a month, it will be over before you notice it. Everything is going to be all right.


Use this month as an opportunity to change that part of you. You obviously don't like that part of yourself. Maybe this is the kick-in-the-ass you need to finally get up and fix it. Make connections when it's hard - it is for most everybody


It sounds like you are hyperdependent on your girlfriend's presence to be satisfied with yourself. This is not a healthy relationship.

It's easier said than done, but try to find some way to connect with people who are not your girlfriend, since it seems (from your post) that you rely on social connections to give you some drive in life. Whether that is over the internet or in real life, make some connections.

Or if you can't do that, try learning something like knitting or drawing so you can impress your girlfriend with a cool project when she gets back, while simultaneously keeping yourself distracted from whatever bad feelings you have.


From my experience in the mental hospital, having visitors REALLY helps. Having family visit every day is what got me through my stay.

The mental hospital, contrary to expectations, is a very hostile environment to recover in. It's primary value is in seeing a doctor every day.
Being in one is a difficult ordeal to go through. Call the hospital and ask them when visitation hours are, and visit her now and then. If she's down when you see her or doesn't say much, don't take it personally.

You will only be a help to her, not a burden. Trust that.


This. During my first stay, my parents came to see me and that got me through it relatively faster. My second and third times I had no visitors at all; it was hell and being there made me feel like I was going insane.

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I would like to have sex with someone as ugly and unfeeling as I am.
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Get a full length mirror and a fleshlight. Cut a hole in the mirror and put the fleshlight behind it.


Unfortunately this is not going to work, since I have not passed the mirror stage yet, according to my Lacanian therapist.
She says that's the only possible explanation of why my sense of self is so fragmented.


At least you're not still stuck in the Real. The Lacanian I was seeing gave up and sent me to a Behaviorist, who had to teach me how to talk with a pouch of gummy bears and a cattle prod.


We all end up with Behaviourists.


Made me chuckle

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as an example on how things never play out the way they do in the movies, here's the ending to the original 1964 Willy Wonka as is followed by how it would play out in real life

>Willy Wonka movie

Grampa Joe: it's an elevator

Wonka: it's a wonka vator! an elevator can only go up and down, but the wonka vator can go up and down, side to side, long ways and short ways, and up and till now I've pressed them all! except that one! go ahead Charlie!

now lets see how that same scene would play out if Willy Wonka had Aspergers syndrome

>Willy Wonka real life

Grandpa Joe: it's an elevator

you: it's a wonka vator! an elevator can only go…

Grandpa Joe: well I'm not going to argue with you! all i did was make an observation, and you want to argue with me about it right off the bat!

you: sir I'm not arguing with you I'm…

Grandpa Joe: see your doing it again! you don't need to argue with everything I say! and another thing…

10 minutes later

Grandpa Joe: and that's why I'm never eating your chocolate again!

you: can I say something really quick?

Grandpa Joe: go ahead!

you: all I was trying to say is that this is a special kind of elevator, that goes in more directions then just up and down! up until now I've pressed them all! except that one! go ahead Charlie!

Grandpa Joe: don't tell my kid what to do!!! why don't you press it!!!

you: fine

it takes off and the a**hole still wont shut up

Grandpa Joe: what the hell happening?!!! get me out of this thing before I call the police!

yeah I'm sure this version would have been a family classic, I hope whomever is reading this is able to see by now why people with Aspergers live angry stressful lives, engaging in unusual behavior like this toward them accomplishes nothing and only creates problems, it's the responsibility of society as a whole to do their part and see to it that these types of societal problems don't stick around for future generations of Aspergers to suffer through, clean up your act and your reward is a brighter tomorrow.


>when a reader has asspergers


>When you didn't read the first rule of the board

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Hey alice
Its me , the poster of a subject about deciding whether or not to move to seattle or to stay with her, you might have read it, might not, it dosnt matter. she just called and told me that she cares a lot about me but just as a friend and that we can stay that way but she just dosnt feel that physical connection. That "its not you its me" stuff. Im just numb. I dont know what to think now. Im just… done. Any thoughts on the matter would be nice. Thanks for reading friend
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You will be fine. Relationships are memes. Seriously. Enjoy the friendship. A real friendship is a thousand times better than a shaky love.


Nice, so now you are bound by reason to listen to all our posts saying you should get your ass to Seattle. I'm glad things turned out this way. You will be too, when things start to go well with ?????.
Also, don't get into friendships and relationships if you are not ready to lose them. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel like soykaf for weeks or till the end of your days when they end, but if a relationship is the most important thing in your life, you're a hollow being covering it up.


Any advice on how to find what's the most important thing in my life? I knew it sounds pathetic but I never realized how dependent I am on external things giving me meaning. I put so much into this relationship and for it to end just made me realize how empty I feel. I want to be able to feel good and driven regardless of what happens to me but I don't know how.


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I have 4-5 things I want to write down and I can't chain them nicely at all.
First off, forget the magic ball. Thinking about "why" is like trying to pick a computer apart; you will eventually find a way to pick it apart, and while you do the computer loses its functionality. You will never have a meaning to your life that will withstand all the doubt you can throw at it.

Second, nihilism is flawed reasoning. A lot of people, upon realizing that any meaning given to life can be picked apart (just like any human can be killed, every feeling described as chemicals in your brain), they suddenly disclaim that there is no (objective) meaning at all. That's like saying there are no living humans at all, or no feelings at all. Meaning can be picked apart and destroyed precisely because it's in a two-ways relation with other things. Displace those other things, and you've displaced meaning; put those other things in place, and meaning will happen. It indeed won't be the eternally-shining-infinite-power-hope-giving-magical-girl-angel that some people think it is. Like I said, no magic ball.

Third, the world is more complex than you. You are part of it regardless of any "me vs the world" distinction you might harbor, and so whatever is in your head, whatever precise facts or deeply abstract theories, you won't be able to change them into one another, you will not understand most of the world. You are complex enough to understand just one or a few things though, if you mostly disregard their connections to everything else. This is great news: you can understand one thing so well that it becomes meaningless, but if you have many important things in your life, it will become too difficult to take apart, and thus will remain meaningful.

Fourth, the problem of supply/demand. Most of your troubles seem to come from not having enough people that love you / you love, while IIRC you mentioned in the previous thread that you're destroying high school. It's clear as day that you have too much of one thing and too little of other things; This is especially a problem because you always had easy school and had that one person for a long time. Your academic success feels like a given, and no amount of conscious effort can change that; you'll need something tough enough to make you fail, but not so tought that you give up. You also need to find several pePost too long. Click here to view the full text.


(Side note) Thanks to everyone for all the support, you guys feel like my only friends tbh

[Update] we talked again and we are cool like old times, like the entire time we dated was just dream I woke up from. While I'm happy this relationship was saved I hate how empty and alone I feel again with no one who takes the time to call or text me daily or hold and be close to. Im back to where the world feels grey and I just wake up, go to school, come home, sleep and repeat. Nothing in between to divide the monotony and give me a reason to look forward to the day like she did. I know its for the best but it hurts and I feel bored with life again.

So as for this post I get what you are saying, I should look for something that challenges me and forces me to expand my horizons thus giving my life some form of meaning I create. Aslo lol that pic

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How do you feel?

Why I should feel like this because a human was blocking my path?

Sometimes the average of people prefer to forget the things, but when I forgot half life I had to live, makes me wanna disappear.

I'm feeling the end is near, I will accept it.
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>How do you feel?
Has always been the toughest question. I often feel too much to know, lost and confused in my own consciousness / awareness. It's a weird feeling; some meditation usually clears it up and from there I'm feeling overjoyed at being alive or depressed to be on earth. It's really a 50/50 chance…


Remove the human or remove yourself


I just want to fuck the world. I am so damn aroused all the damn time. I honestly love it. It can be a pain sometimes but that is how the cookie crumbles in the big apple. You know what I am saying? Fucking soykaf. Fuck!


I always felt like that was a vague question. I feel alright I guess. Mind likes to wander and jump from subject to subject often without any good reason. Mostly neutral feeling, I guess, but there's some happy and angry things there too.

Disappearing can be fun. Go on and move, get lost. Travel a bit. See some soykaf.


That has always been a difficult question. I'm not sure how I feel. Often I am miles away from me and it is impossible to know for certain. Disconnected, comes to mind.

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Alice? Is that your name? Hey!

I've been struggling a lot recently, and it's hindering my ability to do my usual math-heavy programming. It's not focus that I'm having trouble with, but rather getting out of that focus state and being able to see things as bigger pictures. In one book I read, I saw it get called "diffuse mode." Clearing out your working memory and looking at things from a general perspective. It happens just before and just after I sleep, but, I can't just take a nap at work.

What is your way to enter this state?


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I walk. Sometimes even just walking to the toilet and back helps, but long walks on the fresh air are the best. Supposedly anything works that distracts you from the work and doesn't require intense concentration.

But if you are just after the "big picture," explaining the situation to someone else might just do it. It doesn't have to be an actual person, rubber duck debugging might be even better. If you don't want to talk aloud, writing about it works the same way. You could even get yourself a chatbot that just randomly replies "I see", "oh", "right" and variations, I bet that would actually help a lot of people.


File: 1516912389953.png (1.08 MB, 1920x1297, 792539.png)

Something that I started doing randomly one day and seems to help me is taking days to simply plan things and writing things down. Doing silly things as formatting the text, formatting equations and illustrating things seems to help putting my mind in a more abstract status. The days I do this I refrain from writing code and focus more on thinking about writing about the required steps.

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Alice: I have something I've been wanting to do for awhile. I want to find someone with which I can become "twins," i.e., as similar in appearance and thought as possible. I want to see how far that can go and I think it would be a really valuable thing to have. I'm not entirely sure how to go about doing this though. My plan so far is: find someone interested, willing, and already enough like me that there wouldn't be too much left to "synchronize" on, and then spend years attempting to reconcile any remaining physical and mental differences between us. We'd refer to ourselves collectively / singularly (either "we" or "I") to facilitate the synchronization (probably "I" since it doesn't sound as weird in regular conversation), and physically spend as much time together as possible, eating, sleeping, doing the same thing. I would expect each of us to both gain each other's interests and lose interests not shared by the other, which is why it's important to minimize the number of differences up front by selecting carefully.

Due to its nature, the project would of course require a massive amount of commitment on the part of both people, and would last a major part of our lives, if not our entire life.

The hard part here is finding someone that would fit my criteria (and who would judge me to fit their criteria). Where should I look? Not necessarily looking for someone on here, just want to know what your thoughts are. The kind of person I am might influence where I should look. Here's a few details about me that are relevant in my search:

- Male to female trans, so other person should probably either also be MtF trans or biologically female. Considered doing this with a "male", but I think there would be too many differences.
- Considers themself to have strong principles, and prefers strong ethics (example of a "strong" ethic: hippocratic oath)
- Used to be politically left, but now not so much. Values freedom and individuality.
- Wants to be strong and capable of fighting with a variety of weapons / methods. Trains regularly to try to achieve this.
- Computer programmer (systems programming)
- I have a lifelong commitment of service and love to someone - to me they are in effect my master.
- In my mid 20s

What are your thoughts Alice? Is this too crazy to work? Do you have suggestions?
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>MtF trans people often have very similar defining characteristics.

Like being batsoykaf crazy lefties?

Nah thats only the vocal (activist) ones :P
Ruining it for the rest of us.

I'm MtF myself, I found that since I got married my wife and I have slowly gotten more similar to one another. I'm talking 10 years of un interrupted marriage. We have for the most part become extremely loyal and hold the same views on a lot of subjects. In essence we have achieved what OP wants, but not to an such a extreme extent.

OP, time will get you what you want if you relationship lasts.


Well I was actually referring to facial characteristics (should have been more clear), but I suppose that could expand that to interests as well.


Yeah true, no matter what I do I'll look like arse in the face.

God damn it.


I've also realized that if there could be other people looking for the same thing I am. I've done some searching but I can't find anything even remotely similar to what I'm looking for. I'm not completely sure what search terms would yield useful results.

It might not work so well in my case, since although our opinions on things have definitely converged (mostly mine being replaced with his), our relationship is very hierarchical, and we both like it that way.


I was thinking "man this kid has issues"

>"- Male to female trans"

There it is.

In all seriousness it's nearly impossible to find an average person that remotely interested or capable of doing something like this with you, so narrowing that to less than a hundredth of the original pool of possible candidates makes that a nigh impossible task. Not to mention you're in your twenties.

It's rare enough that twins end up that way growing up - I think it's rather naive to think you can pull that off through willpower alone as an adult with a complete stranger


Before start, excuse me for muy terrible english.

This is My first post here, i have 18 years old, i have a big fucking depression, since 4 years, i pass my days in the vez, crying alone in silence, my relacionships are soykaf, all is broken, i don`t have friends or girlfriend (yeah, im virgin), i leave the school, im a ungly and soykafty neet, i don't made nothing, i don't have dreams, i don't have goals, my life is a void.
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Forgive english, i am Russia.

F come to study clothing and fashion at American university. i am here little time and i am very hard stress. i am gay also and this very difficult for me, i am very religion person. i never act to be gay with other men before. but after i am in america 6 weeks i am my friend together he is gay also. He was show me American fashion and then we are kiss.

We sex together. I never before now am tell my mother about gay because i am very shame. As i fuck this American boy it is very good to me but also i am feel so guilty. I feel extreme guilty as I begin orgasm. I feel so guilty that I pick up my telephone and call Mother in Russia. I awaken her. It too late for stopping so I am cumming sex. I am very upset and guilty and crying, so I yell her, "I AM CUM FROM SEX" (in Russia). She say what? I say "I AM CUM FROM SEX" and she say you boy, do not marry American girl, and I say "NO I AM CUM FROM SEX WITH MAN, I AM IN ASS, I CUM IN ASS" and my mother very angry me. She not get scared though.

I hang up phone and am very embarrass. My friend also he is very embarrass. I am guilt and feel very stupid. I wonder, why do I gay with man? But I continue because when it spurt it feel very good in American ass.


> 1169

You know, this has a certain copypasta feel. The mistakes aren't the right ones. For example, Russian has a "To be" verb too.


Date someone who is smarter than you. This motivated the soykaf out of me to start doing meaningful soykaf. Might help you too!


hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me ^_^… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!

DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ←- me bein random again ^_^ hehe…toodles!!!!!

love and waffles,

~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~


Someone tell Katy about determinism.

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Where is your favorite place to be Alice? Where do you go to be closer to the wired?

You can be physicaly close to the wired, knowing that it's all around you as radio waves, and feel close. You can be physically far from the wired, but see so much of it that you feel close anyways. Simple things like being by yourself also help.

And there's nothing quite like seeing the city lights from a tower at night.
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Anywhere that isn't home. Nothing brushes away the shroud so easily as removing yourself from the veil of your daily life.


as I sit in someone elses apartment, on a chair that isnt mine, far away from any place I ever sincerely called 'home', I must (dis)agree. at once this is both a feeling of delightful freedom and connectedness to the world, but in the same moment I long for a place in which I can simply put my things down and rest, without forever an eye on the door and a thought to what comes next. what comes after that, when this running may ever end.

stability frees us to do what we want, but routine makes us forget how.


Well said lain
I feel the refuge is as important as the escape, whether that refuge be a bed or a tent or what have you. But nothing makes me feel so connected as being alone in a strange land.


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The moutains with grandparents on vacancies. There is absolutely nobody to talk to apart for old neighborhood and the air and food are perfect. Top tier calm, makes you think peacefully


It used to be my room when I still lived at home with my family and had a nice comfy battlestation with a nice set up. Now I'm literally leaching off a neighboring church's wifi USB tethering with my phone for a measly 5 Mb/s connection. But I'm desperate I'll do anything to get online.

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Anyone voluntary celibate here?

Personally I'm over relationships at least from what I've seen. One partner is always miserable. I just want to be seen as complete without a S.O. I know the media forces the idea that you can only be a bitter old fag/spinster/neckbeard if you are by yourself but from my perspective its just about selfish improvement in all aspects of your life. So let's stop >tfw no gf it just promotes a sense of entitlement to other human beings. Take care of yourself alice and practice self-love.
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>Meanwhile, this sort of soykafty posts are just attentionwhoring with an undying hope that the love of your life will answer and you will live happily ever after.

>Aren't we all into more interesting stuff around here?

Then why are you giving this more attention?

>There's plenty of examples of single, older people in the media who are happy and not pathetic.
Like who? Superheroes? Fantasy. You'll find more broken divorced men than married or single men in media, conditioning the masses.

I'd try relationships but you're not exactly giving me reasons to want to. It looks like a waste of resources and time, all to suffice some kind of primitive desire, that succumbing to feels like an exploitable weakness.


im a sex repulsed asexual but i suppose i have a "relationship" in that i share a close bond with another human.

would recommend it.


I think the entire idea is trash and really comes down to the lack of motivation towards actually finding yourself a relationship, but opinions aside, as long as you're not a 'nice guy' TM, who cares?


Y-yea psssh who needs sexual activity anyways haha.


100% agreed!

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