No.407
I don't get it. How are you supposed to type out your stream of consciousness when it goes by faster than you can type? If I slow down my thought process to be slow enough that I can type it all out, is it really a stream of consciousness?
I also find that typing actively changes my thought patterns. It's the same as when I have a really good story I want to write about but as soon as I put pen to paper it fucking vanishes into oblivion like a distant dream. I have scores of story beginnings and zero second pages. I've thought through what I could fit in the next three paragraphs in the time it took to type the previous sentence. This whole exercise becomes a cycle of thinking and trying to remember what you just thought. Keeping thoughts in your immediate memory is hard. Extremely hard. I have a hard time keeping them in any memory at all. I always find myself getting deja vu over thoughts I've had and forgotten having.
Does anyone else feel this sort of problem? It's a lot worse when I have to explain my thought process to someone else. This happened all the time in school and it also happens at work sometimes. People ask me why I did things a certain way, or how the code I made works, and I have to backtrack my thought process for a lot longer than it took to get to the solution.
I think it happens partly because I can encapsulate concepts fairly quickly. I'll just go "okay this 7-step process does this and these are the steps" and forget what each step does individually, so when I need to explain I'm basically teaching myself again.
Well I had to get up for a few minutes so I guess my time's up
No.408
Bored, tired, don't know what to do. Well, I do, I just feel too tired to do them. People come to me for certain things, and while I'm happy that I have a place in society now, I feel tired. I know why people live ordinary lives now – it's easy. It's socially accepted all around, people treat you normal, life is secure. I feel like there's a block between me participating in ordinary, capitalist, every day society. I wouldn't give up my life and position for anything, but I do wish I had money once in a while. I want nice things too sometimes. I feel like a burden on others a lot of the times too.
But I have to keep going. What I want will manifest eventually, I just have to keep going.
I wish I could go back to my childhood, sometimes. Floating in digital seascapes, losing myself in useless information. The internet felt like a portal to a different world, like I had found the second world, the hidden world. I've never stopped chasing that feeling, but nothing will ever be like static, dial up, web 1.0. Maybe it did a number on my young mind, but I don't care. Nothing will feel as beautiful and magical as diving into the net before everything became ugly and overtaken by corporations.
God, if I could just figure out how to make a commune work. But I can't do that until I figure out how to take care of myself, moneywise. That's why all those things fail – a bunch of people who can't figure out money think if they band together, they'll overcome this and bring utopia. But you can't bring about utopia if you can't take care of yourself, it'll always fail. Run experiments on yourself before bringing other people down – that's how I see it.
Loneliness, not the bad kind, but the kind you need in order to rest up. I miss my people but I need rest. I'll be back out before I know it , that's how it always go.
Sometimes I think of the people I've left behind. They are scum, they are the worst, I will never talk to them again. I'm terrified of seeing them in public, I hope they know their place. I'm happy now, I don't need garbage pulling me down. If this seems too mean – if you assault people's bodies and minds, you're garbage. If you do those things, you don't deserve forgiveness. You deserve to live, maybe, but don't expect a place in your victim's life ever again.
I just want everyone to be happy. Time's out.
No.409
its still going to be here
ride it and dont look back
run
No.410
I can't find who I am yet. I keep finding these little sparks of some kind of hope that I can have a better version of me. But, it's hard. I'm very goody at distracting myself until there is no time left. There are times where I could have really helped myself or just other people. But, I don't practice them. So I fail others. And I let myself down. Again and again and again and again. I will be gone in a few months. And I never existed. That's not okay. Because I could have had a better me. But I wasted my time. It's bedtime now. And now I'm tired. I let myself down.
No.422
Silence is golden
